You Win Some, You Lose Some by Tyler Higgins - Short, Comedy -  Losing your job can have hard effects on your whole family, especially your kids. <15 pages - pdf, format

That's weird...I didn't have any problem getting it open.  The file name is glass houses, too.  Probably just an earlier title.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure what to make of this one.  When I first read the logline, it sounded like one of those Lifetime TV dramas, but after having read it, it makes more sense.  I assumed it would.

The only comedic element here is in just how incredibly stupid these people are.  A lot of suspension of disbelief has to be applied to think that a couple would lose two kids, and treat it like they lost their car keys.  The attempted humor is in the obvious ridiculousness, but for me it doesn't quite hit.

And the wife was a hitman back in the day?  hahaha.  

Odd, very odd indeed.

Well, okay...

Rather odd, this one.  For me, the "ridiculous" humor didn't quite work.  I think it was the reveal.  My favorite part of this kind of humor is the brief moments where you're going, "Did he just..", "Did she just..", but that was devoid from this script for the most part.  The reader is just sort've forced into the absurdity, and without the base of reality at the start, I didn't think it really worked.

More buildup!

This one was a little bit too over the top.  I didn't really even understand what was going on until half way into it and from there I was left just sort of scratching my head.  

It's weird because this seems like my sort of humor, but I didn't really like it too much.  The one thing that did like was the randomness of the wife being a hitman.  That came out of left field and saved the script a little in my opinion.  Unfortunately, nothing else worked for me.

Good try.

-Pat

Sorry dude but I didn't see the humor in this one. As Mike said, perhaps the stupidity of these two could constitute as humorous but the whole thing just didn't read like a comedy. The twist was random and Will only has to say one thing to neutralize the situation. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? I doubt that's going to shut Paula up so easily. The entire mood shifts at this point and, again, it feels random and awkward. The whole situation just feels really farfetched to tell you the truth. Maybe this was supposed to be absurd but I just don't think it worked very well.

If you wrote this entire script with the same bizarre feel that you gave the kid story, then maybe this could have pulled something off, but, as of now, it just seems very strange.  I see the approach you were trying to take, but it just didn't work.  Maybe if the parents had been more sarcastic or there were some more quirks added in or something.  As this stands, though, there's just not much to it.  What can I say?  Sorry.

Okay...I'm a bit confused. What happened to the kid? You go on having Paula telling a story, but she ends up not finishing it. So we don't know what happens to him. Did he get lost? Did he fall onto the stove while Will was flipping burgers and was scorched to death?

This one I didn't find too funny, either. And your beginning description was too descriptive (I know what it's like though....). You don't need to describe what's in the kitchen like a refrigerator or a microwave, because we all ready know those appliances are all ready in kitchens.

Sean

I agree that this one needs work.

You went for the absurd which isn’t bad, but even in an absurd scenario like this one you’ve got to have some degree of rationality to help the audience suspend their disbelief.

Parents loosing their kids… hmm… a pretty though sell (not even Homer lost a kid definitely). Maybe if it was an irresponsible nanny that goes on acid trips during work, that would be easier to believe.

The hit man angle didn’t feel organic to the story and its introduction felt a little bit abrupt. You’ve got two different angles here fighting for the audience’s attention (and only 15 pages to develop them) I think the script would work better if you drop one and focus on the other.

This one had some issues.  The premise did not work with the characters to create a believable situation and as a result it wasn't funny.  Nice try though and kudos for being daring and taking a challenge with such difficult subject matter.

Hmmm. Not sure about this one.  Paula's character changes in an instant, from annoyed to sympathetic and doesn't feel right.  It's a clever idea but the twist didn't come as shock although it should have.

Your opening description was too descriptive, a kitchen is fine - you don't need to tell us every applience in it.

Needs work I think.

I guess I'm going to have to agree with the others here. This one didn't really work, but don't feel too bad. Apparantly I wrote a turkey as well.

Besides what has already been mentioned, I think Will was way to whimpy. Especially for a hit man. Seems like he would have to be a little more "macho" for a job like that.

Also, did I misunderstand, or did they actually lose their kids? If that's true then their reactions are all wrong, even if this is a comedy.

Thanks for entering though!

Jumpin' the bandwagon here. Did not do anything for me.

It's not the losing of their kid that bothers me. If developed that could've been funny. It was how their characters changed...and then suddenly she's a hitman...okay, and they were kidnapping kids or were the children their own?

It could've been funny but I think it missed the mark.

This was a weird script. You explain absolutely everything in the bloody kitchen. I would say the only relevant description here is the child's drawing on the fridge. Your characters where ectremely consistent. You went from the wife being extremely angry to her completely changing in character. It was strange.

You also kept referring to "lost your job". I don't think people would say that. I think the only reason yiou kept getting the wife to refer about "losing your job" is to link this more with the task. However i did think it quite smart how you tied the idea in with the losing of a job.

Not the best i've read. Needs work.

Not good.  Sorry.   Very loosely written, nothing really gets tied up and since this is one of those scripts that is dependent on dialogue, Will and Paula's conversation should make sense.  
The scenario about their kids just threw me for a loop. Paula shows some concern that Jake is missing, but she spends a lot of time arguing her point rather than getting an answer as to Where Is Jake?
The hitwoman thing seemed thrown in and while potentially interesting, just adds to the confusion.
Keep the day job and stay away from babysitting.

Hey Tyler,

I actually kinda liked this one, it was nice and short and fast paced. Okay so it was waaaaaaaaaaaay over the top but sometimes that can make a story real funny. The dialogue certianly carried this piece and you had a couple of hillarious moments there.

"They’re babies!  They’re tiny and
hard to find."

That one made me laugh.

Good work

Cheers
Rob