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I could give two shits when someone comments on my spelling and grammar when commenting on my script...
Grammar you can learn, storytelling you can't. I've always held the notion that if the story has balls then the other things can be looked past (I know, there are thousands of people who would disagree).
Though, having a good story and getting it to work are different things.
I would rather have feedback on what the story needs than what words I've misspelled...
The new version is leaps and bounds better than the last one.
Thanks, Screenrider. Means alot.
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You might as well quit Med school and just focus on your screenwriting career. It's kinda funny, M. Night Shyamalan's dad wanted his son to follow in his footsteps and become a doctor while his mother insisted he follow his passion. Looks like you've come to a crossroad.
You know, this question has been posed to me many times and I've come up with an answer... I usually tell people that writing is selfish and I do medicine to give back. When the real truth is I started down both paths at the same time and have ended up where I am today. So I've gotten to where I am by doing both. To be honest, if I could sell a few screenplays and make some money, I would be extremely happy (since I owe much more than I'm worth right now).
Not sure what I would if I had to chose. Hopefully I'll be able to do both without sacrificing one or the other (Impossible, I know). Wishful thinking. My real dream would be to write for a living and do medicine on the side, just for the love of it.
Again, thanks for the kind words. Glad the new version was worth the read.
I've read the first 25 pages so far and like it. I'm not taking notes or anything. I actually started reading it because it was a thriller with amnesia in it! Started reading yesterday.
Congratulations on working with Babz. Hope something will work out and that it will get made!
I will read it tomorrow...Do you want input still or did Babz give you enough suggestions? I read a lot just for pleasure so if I don't have to stop and take notes that's fine with me.
I reread it last night. The beginning V.O, really gives it a touch of class. Perfect. The new ending is bittersweet. It's incredible how simple this story really is.
You should try to get this script into the hands of Jeremy Renner and Scarlett Johansson.
Greetings Mr. Cahill, I just finished reading your script. Congrats on whatever news everyone is beaming about, heh. I'm new to the site this and not familiar with recent events.
First off, Id like to say I dig your commend of the technical and grammatical here. This was a very fluid read for me, 110 pages. Boom! One sitting. That's a major stumbling block for so many of us amateur types.
The noirish thriller story structure holds up well and keeps focus. Please forgive the bluntness of the coming criticisms. I enjoyed a lot of of what is here, hence the not so enjoyable stuff sticks out more to me.
Bottom line, I don't care about Rudy. Just when I feel like I'm getting to know Rudy and Katie, the thriller plot kicks in. The thriller elements are good, but they would feel more urgent if I cared. I want to feel more invested in the couple before we hit that fateful alley. The first half of act one is my way into their lives, help me get closer. He doesn't have to be a little league coach. However, I want to feel Rudy's desire to do right by his estranged daughter. I want to feel Katie's willingness to put it on the line for a someone else's daughter.
I'm a little foggy on how the cops say Katie is not guilty of a crime. Unless I'm misunderstanding the climax, insurance fraud is a crime. Someone's charred remains is on a slab wearing her dress, she's an accessory. For that alone, the cops would want to question her, I would think. At the climax, I don't want to muck about with new characters like the bagman. I don't want to see the guy I've been with for a 100 pages jerk around with a stranger. I felt at arm's length during the climax and I want to feel what Rudy is feeling. Some food for thought, I may be way off base, but there it is.
A few scene specific notes, if you don't mind:
p. 18 - 18 year old junkies don't say "enormous cleavage", took me out of scene. p. 22 - something about "playing drums", I stopped and went, "Huh?" p. 32 - Sky intro, her broken Engrish made me CRINGE. Its Vegas, come on. p. 55 - Hotels do not keep full CC numbers. Just the last 4 digits.
That's it, sorry if I am being harsh. I want to write this while its fresh in my mind, even though Chicken Vindaloo is calling.
Overall, I think your story and structure are superlative. Its good enough to make me want to care more about the people in it. Jimmy Chan, "I love toes." BRILLIANT! Best line of the script. Love that eccentricity!
Cheers! Vindaloo calls! Best of luck with your career!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
This was a very fluid read for me, 110 pages. Boom! One sitting.
I think, from what I've learned, if you get this type of response back then the script has something. I'm always afraid when a friend tells me they are "going to finish it later..."
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However, I want to feel Rudy's desire to do right by his estranged daughter. I want to feel Katie's willingness to put it on the line for a someone else's daughter.
Wow, not sure how I didn't develop this. You are exactly right. This is really what pushes Rudy to do what he does.
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I'm a little foggy on how the cops say Katie is not guilty of a crime. Unless I'm misunderstanding the climax, insurance fraud is a crime. Someone's charred remains is on a slab wearing her dress, she's an accessory. For that alone, the cops would want to question her, I would think.
So, the logic behind why she couldn't get in trouble was because everyone who could prove that Katie had something to do with it is dead. And, the police killed Rudy. The assumptions made by Walnut in the end are merely conjecture on his part. He can't prove anything. No one would believe that someone would do what Rudy did.
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At the climax, I don't want to muck about with new characters like the bagman. I don't want to see the guy I've been with for a 100 pages jerk around with a stranger.
Which character?
A few scene specific notes, if you don't mind:
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p. 18 - 18 year old junkies don't say "enormous cleavage", took me out of scene.
I'm going to agree with you on this...
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p. 22 - something about "playing drums", I stopped and went, "Huh?"
Rudy was asked "how do you feel?" and he replies with "I don't feel like someone is playing drums in my head."
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p. 32 - Sky intro, her broken Engrish made me CRINGE. Its Vegas, come on.
Ha! Point taken.
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p. 55 - Hotels do not keep full CC numbers. Just the last 4 digits.
Huh. Okay. Find out something all the time.
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That's it, sorry if I am being harsh.
No, this is great. Nice, succinct feedback. And it is stuff that no one has mentioned.
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Overall, I think your story and structure are superlative. Its good enough to make me want to care more about the people in it.
Nice to hear. Re-writes, re-writes...
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Jimmy Chan, "I love toes." BRILLIANT! Best line of the script. Love that eccentricity!
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Cheers! Vindaloo calls! Best of luck with your career!
Wow, not sure how I didn't develop this. You are exactly right. This is really what pushes Rudy to do what he does.
All those details you use in the first half of act one, unexplained stacks of cash, rattlesnake tacos, etc. That's where I would insert bits of facts behind these very noble motivations these seemingly trailer trash types are truly embodying. Mmm, I want me some rattlesnake tacos!
So, the logic behind why she couldn't get in trouble was because everyone who could prove that Katie had something to do with it is dead. And, the police killed Rudy. The assumptions made by Walnut in the end are merely conjecture on his part. He can't prove anything. No one would believe that someone would do what Rudy did.
I get where you are coming from, but in my mind, it becomes a new murder case. Who is the crispy corpse on the slab. To me, it seems that would spark interest in a police officer. Perhaps I am reading this wrong or not making my point well. Hmmmm.
Uhhh, the Bagman, he delivers the $100k. I was saying to myself, "Who is this wanker? I've spent a 100 pages with all these other folks and I get a new clueless schmuck at the end of the story? I couldn't wait to get back to the other characters.
All those details you use in the first half of act one, unexplained stacks of cash, rattlesnake tacos, etc. That's where I would insert bits of facts behind these very noble motivations these seemingly trailer trash types are truly embodying. Mmm, I want me some rattlesnake tacos!
Yep. I need to do this in the next draft.
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I get where you are coming from, but in my mind, it becomes a new murder case. Who is the crispy corpse on the slab. To me, it seems that would spark interest in a police officer. Perhaps I am reading this wrong or not making my point well. Hmmmm
Ahhh. I forgot to address the body. The body has nothing to do with Rudy or Katie. It was just a female corpse who happened to have on the same dress. I need to add a scene in during the restaurant showing a girl with the same dress then add a closure scene with her getting murdered by her "John" or something.
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Uhhh, the Bagman, he delivers the $100k. I was saying to myself, "Who is this wanker? I've spent a 100 pages with all these other folks and I get a new clueless schmuck at the end of the story? I couldn't wait to get back to the other characters.
Again, great point. I think I need to substitute this fella with someone already within the story. Someone connected to the Detectives somehow. Someone Rudy meets but doesn't remember.
I meant "hot" as in great ass hot. Vinadoo is a great stripper name.