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  Author    In The Still Of The Night  (currently 3320 views)
Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2008, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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In The Still Of The Night by Eric Dickson - Thriller - During her first week in Los Angeles, an aspiring young actress meets a battered woman and a grocery stock boy who may or may not have killed a co worker. 123 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 17th, 2019, 4:27pm
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mikep
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This is a big, sprawling story set in Los Angeles, a languidly paced murder mystery with numerous red herrings. A young girl arrives in Los Angeles chasing after the promised role in a horror feature only to have her hopes crushed immediately. So ,settling into a workaday L.A. routine she finds herself targeted by a mysterious midnight stalker who has already claimed one victim and she might be the next unless she can save herself.

You have lots of characters and lots of suspects here, Nate, Chris, Bonnie, even Jason to a degree all fall under suspicion at one time or another. I have to admit, I was surprised in the ending, it really caught me by surprise. Maybe I should have seen it coming, maybe not. Normally I don't try to figure things out but like to just experience the story as it goes. For me, this wasn't a case where it was glaringly obvious who the killer was, and Scarlett's twist at the end also was a shocker, didn't expect that in the least.

The first thing I'd mention is the length - at 130 pages, the script is overlong, I feel way too long for what is really an intimate story. Where the length seems to be an issue is dialogue. The framing device you use with the talk radio show host is an example. Four pages of dialogue, even a scene inside the studio, and a one page wrap up for a character who doesn't really enter into the story. The goal is obvious, to set the stage or themes of the story by using Avery as our narrator - but am wondering if what Avery says can be expressed in shorter dialogue elsewhere in the script, or if it's needed at all.

The beginning works well with Lucia going to her car, not finding her keys...only to have them tossed at her...chilling. And good that it sets up and "inside job". However, it's 40 pages or more before any more of the thriller plot really kicks in. The pacing feels off for over an hour or more into the script, only really picking up steam until we're 70 or more pages in. What we do have is lots of talking, and that's where the dialogue feels flat, too much is on-the-nose - the characters telling us exactly how they feel instead of us being shown. Giving backstory in dialogue is fine, but in many cases we're have lots and lots of dialogue, in some cases, one dialogue scene will repeat information already touched upon, just repeating to a different person.

Early on as Bonnie and Scarlett meet, they sit down for a long dialogue scene and we hear backstory from both of them. It would be better to break these scenes up so it's not just a scene where the characters stop to give exposition.  Also as we meet Chris there's a huge amount of dialogue as he talks with the police, meets Scarlett - the non stop conversation bogs the story down. Chris and Scarlett spend around 10 pages talking, much of which is him offering her job advice which goes nowhere. That is the main opportunity I found in the script, talky dialogue which could be trimmed to move the story along. Later in the script, Chris goes into his backstory with the date rape incident - and explains it twice, to the police and to Scarlett, eating up more pages.

Characters and dialogue seem to bog the momentum down - we meet cops who come to Sacrlett's apartment, have a meet-cute scene, but they're not vital to the script. Another detective is introduced later , but Coswell should be the cop we follow.

What I like is that until you tip it to the audience, we don't know who the killer is, at least it was a good surprise to me, as was the ending. But I am a bit confused - wouldn't Bonnie notice that Scarlett works for Brad at some point and say " hey you work for my ex boyfriend and he lives next door" ?  Wouldn't Scarlett relaize her boss lives next door?  I went back to re-read it and also your comments in the exchage thread, am I reading this wrong ? Brad does live next door ? It doesn't float that this could be a surprise, at some point this would come up, even the police might make a connection between Scarlett getting stalked and her boss living next door, even if they just say " well hey your boss lives next door, maybe he can watch out for you". The reveal with Brad being the stalker, Jason's killer ( how many cars is he driving, this confused me as well), Graciella's killer, Bonnie's boyfriend - it's not that it's too much but just isn't clear, is more confusing than resolving as it stands now.

The title is good - it tags the middle of the night calls and stalking, but, the device of actually playing The Five Satins is a bit gimmicky - others may differ, but to me it seems more poetic to just have the title reflect the mood of the piece.

But I do hope others were as thrown as I was in the ending, I thought a few times I knew who the stalker was, but was clearly surprised. But in any revision I'd suggest to cut and cut the dialogue, keep the story moving forward , keep momentum rolling on and drop as many pages as you can. There's a good thriller here in my opinion, once the clutter is removed and there's more of a sense of meance throughout the script.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
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ericdickson
Posted: April 16th, 2008, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to read this huge script.  Today, I've actually trimmed it down to 125 pages for a screenplay contest.  I cut out Avery's long dialogue at the end and ended it in Bonnie's apartment.  

Your main complaint was too much dialogue and repeated dialogue.  First, when Chris and Scarlett first talk at lunch about getting her a job, and Second, the ride home.  

What I tried to do with these two scenes was to show that Scarlett was interested in Nate.  And that her interest in Nate really bugged Chris, forcing him to "make up" conversation at lunch.  He was basically trying to distract her and keep her from getting involved with Nate.  

Later on in the story, Chris accuses Nate of kidnapping Graciella.  This may be one reason why he didn't want Scarlett associating with him.  He thought he was the killer.  Then...Nate accuses Chris of being jealous, which could be another good reason why Chris told Scarlett he could get her a job.  He's attracted to her.  

His constant dialogue concerning the secretary job could be construed as two things from an audience: him distracting Scarlett from Nate, or him working his way into her pants.  I wanted him to seem like someone who couldn't be really trusted and whatever comes out of his mouth could be a lie.  This was the intent anyway.  These two scenes were the set-up of Chris's character.  A loud-mouth who thinks he knows what's best for Scarlett.

Also, when Chris sits outside Scarlett's apartment and tells her his feelings over the phone, I wanted him to seem vulnerable.  Someone who was hurt because the police won't let him escape his past.  

You say this is repeated dialogue, I disagree a bit on that.  He doesn't simply repeat what he told the cops, he confides in Scarlett, telling her how he personally reacted and felt two years ago when the police charged him with rape.  He tries to convince her that he isn't the person the cops say he is.  This is more teasing for the audience.  He could either look vulnerable and sad, or a killer who is trying to deceive Scarlett and get back in her life.  You choose. This is audience participation.    

I wanted there to be lots of talking between these two principle characters, as she lurks through the dark garage, looking for his car outside.  She doesn't quite trust him, but wants to.  I'm tired of horror films that are afraid to use words, instead of using cheap scare tactics and the usual suspense tricks.  Just look at Rear Window or any of Hitchcock's older thrillers.  Very rich in dialogue and character development.  I want the reader to interpret what these characters are really saying and to get into their lives and in their heads.  

What I tried to do with the two "cop" scenes with the cops at Scarlett's apartment and the cops at Bonnie's apartment, was to show the same situation twice.  First, Scarlett is scared and needs the help of her friend Bonnie, who is there, supporting her and comforting her.  Second, Scarlett goes to Bonnie's apartment, supporting and comforting her after Jason is killed.  It's virtually the same scene over again.  

From an audience point of view, Bonnie begins to really look like Scarlett's stalker.  She may be someone sick in the head who is forcing herself into the life of her new neighbor.  There is a specific reason for every scene in this script.  Every scene has one possible explanation as to what's going on.  

Your review gave me lots to think about.  Many agree with you concerning too slow of a build up in some of my scripts.  I'm kind of stuck in the middle on this.  I really believe that the best suspense thrillers don't rush things, they take their time to develop characters and situations.  The suspense and shocks should come sporadically.  But when we get them, they should pack a big punch and help to push the story forward.  This script was an experiment in that kind of thriller.  Something that doesn't use cheap tricks and PG-13 style gimmiks.  This is what I tried to do, anyway.  

I'd like to see what others think about the slow build-up.  I'd also like to see if they were able to pick up on some of the hints I dropped throughout the script.  See if they pick up on some of Chris's behavior, earlier on.  Why does he try to get Scarlett a job?  Why doesn't he like Nate?  Why does Chris sit outside her apartment, talking her ear off?  

As far as the confusion with Brad at the end, was Brad Bonnie's ex boyfirend?  I'd rather there be subtle hints instead of dead giveways.  I figured the reader could figure out he was Bonnie's ex after she walks to his apartment with the money.  He's the boyfriend she borrowed money from and he's Jason, Graciella and Scarlett's killer.  

I feel like I can trim some more of the meaty format and get this thing down to 120 pages.  I'm just not sure if I can lose any dialogue here.  I honestly think the pacing and dialogue works for a real audience participation type movie.  Something that will make people think a bit.  Anyway, we'll see what some others think and we'll talk.

Talk to you soon,
Eric      

                      
      
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Scoob
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Hi Eric, apologies for not having this reviewed earlier but I hope it helps you in some way. The first thing I have to say without having read the script or knowing what it is about is that the title is brilliant! Very eye catching.

Interesting start followed by nice descriptions of the LA setting. I wonder if the masked man could be described a little more - as in what type of mask he is wearing. I figure it's a stocking mask. ( Probably irrelevant but it might help with the visual ).

The congested traffic scene and the radio personality Scott Avery are well written scenes. Im getting a first impression of Howard Stern with this guy - although that may be due to my limited knowledge of radio DJs. It did make me feel like I was sitting in the car with the sun beaming down.
I like the description of the apartments and the conversation between Scarlott and Bonnie reads really well.  The only part I felt sounded a little off was when Bonnie's last dialouge on page 11 " I'm just looking for an excuse to get away from that creep." I only say this because Jason had already left and it's not as if he is in the apartment waiting for her.

The scene at the Thunder Cat ( I used to love that cartoon ) movie studio seemed very realistic and I couldnt help but feel sorry for Scarlett. Great, easy flowing dialouge which would seem typical from one of these places. Pretty funny aswell with the actresses walking out and the couldnt-care-less receptionist.

Tony - I wanted to slug that guy myself. Scarlett definitly has won me over with the reindeer caught in bright lights persona. It's really well written scene.

25: Suspensful scene when Scarlett goes back to her apartment. What happened to Bonnie at this point? I thought she was sleeping round hers for that evening?

I think the description of Sam at the food store will give me more nightmares then any other horror film! And peanut butter popcorn cakes!? Brilliant!

Page 46 and this is just flying by - your dialouge is excellent and the characters are so easy to get into. They just come across so well, . really feels like I am watching a movie.

P48: Ahhh - I have now learned the reason, or why the script is called what it is. I've never heard that song before so I had to check it out. Hope it is the Five Satins version you were thinking of. Really good song actually - but I can see that being pretty creepy played down the phone at night. Well, very creepy.
It looks like we may now be going to bring back Scarlott's past, an ex-boyfriend perhaps but things are certainly starting to build up nicely.

That was intense! How the hell does this mystery guy get inside her apartment? It's a very creepy thought that might be possible. I think one of the reasons this scene works so well is a compliment to how well you have written Scarlott - I really don't want her to get harmed. Another reason is it's just a  very well crafted scene with all the right ingredients to carry it off.

56: Hmmm, Bonnie is acting a little strange here. Seeing as this LA, I'm getting a feeling there might be some kind of "everyone in on it" scenario. Could be wrong but you have me guessing and that's got to be a good thing. This is fast becoming one of the better scripts I have read.

Up to 84 and it remains exciting, tense and I just cant put it down. I like how you have brought Chris really to the forefront during the last thirty or so pages, it make his character stand out and he now seems as developed as Scarlott. The scenes are difficult to be critical of and I cant find a fault with anything. The dialouge is, at times and for the most part, brilliant. Every line from these characters sounds realistic and you can almost tell what they are going to say by who they are - I mean that in a very positive manner, not in the predictibly bad way!
It has just really sucked me in and I'm looking forward to finding out how this one will end.

95: Jason is dead and Bonnie has vanished again. Things are definitly pointing towards Bonnie as the most suspicious but following page 96 and at this stage - everyone is under suspicion!
109: Im gutted about Chris but it was a hell of a situation to be in for Scarlett. Another tense scene.
118: Oh boy, I didn't see that coming.

And the ending left me thinking "what the hell?" for a few moments. I get it that Brad was the killer and was Bonnie's ex boyfriend - but the only motive I can find is that he kills these people and steals their money to give to Bonnie? I may have mixed this up, and there may well be a simple explanation but I would love to know what it is because I'm a little lost. If Brad was also living next to Scarlett, I find it perhaps a little hard to believe that the police would not have suspected him - surely they would have taken down his address at one point. I like the idea that he has being living so close to her all this time, I suppose it is possible Scarlett might have never bumped into him considering she was only there a week but it's a long shot. I like that the ending was a twist - but I'm left wondering how it all worked out and why?

Apart from that, I have to say I loved this script. Your writing was smooth and easy to follow, and you created an excellent atmosphere for all this to grow in. I thought your descriptions were very good and your dialouge was, for me, brilliant.
Not reading your log line or even knowing too much what genre this was set in ( brain dead as I am, I assumed this was a piece you were working on and had not posted it yet) may have helped to keep me on a knife's edge as to what was going to happen but that is exactly what this script did. It was wonderfully suspenceful at times and I think you used tension at the right moments and never went over the top with it. The phone calls may have been done before in previous movies but I think it was very nicely done here - although after the ending I'm still a little unsure of the relevance of them.

I thought the pacing was perfect, at 121 pages it is just right. I love the slow build and the characters never bored me. I was expecting something from Scarlett's past to play a part in proceedings but I am glad you never did this or delved too deeply into her background. It's better off as it is, which keeps her as an innocent caught in this mad and bad world she has decided to try and live in. I really enjoyed her and Chris - even though at times I could never be too sure about him, he was someone I just didnt want to see get killed off. Bonnie, at times slightly annoying and at others, quite amusing. Coswell was a good cop character - definitly the main one - although I felt he almost got lost from the script at one point when there were so many other police officers coming on the scene. Nate was always the obvious one ( well, or either Chris ) and I liked the way you created quite a few different characters with different styles and characteristics. It was a great blend, quite refreshing.  

I love the way you have depicted Los Angeles and made it fit inside your story. Right from the off, it's a dangerous and hostile environment where you just cant trust anyone - the people are either determined to succeed at any cost, or they have failed and are either emotionally broken or like a walking time bomb waiting to go off.
I wish I had better words to describe it - but it feels like you shone a light on the dark and seedy side of Hollywood and given it it's own character, created a prescence with it. That in turn, just made everything feel that much more sinister and deadly because you just know there are people around exactly like this. In short, it felt very real - particularly in the first 50 pages or so.

So all in all, I have to say well done. I could definitly see this being a movie, and I dont think it would cost a bomb to make. A solid mystery/thriller without the excess use of blood, over the top violence and you used something that seems to have been all but lost in hollywood - a strong story that gives you the feeling of dread in certain moments/ genuine suspence.

The only mistakes I found were:
83: A woman walks "past" the door as opposed to "passed."
109:  All of "a" sudden as opposed to "the".
119: I'll "get" back to you as soon as possible as opposed to "bet".

Great job!

All the best with this and I hope some of this helps,

Malc



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ericdickson
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Wow!  Those are some of the best compliments I've ever gotten!  This fills me with hope!  

I can definitely see now that I have to work out this ending and make it a little more clear.  Everyone says the same thing.  They get confused about Brad's motives or if he killed Jason and Graciella.  The answer is YES, YES and YES.  He killed everyone.  

I don't wanna confuse anyone, just give them something to talk about and contemplate after they read the script.  I want people to put the remaining pieces together themselves, instead of spelling everything out.  I thought this would be fun.  

I want the audience (if this ever gets made) to talk about the ending and contemplate who did what and why.  It seems my open-ended approach to the ending is more irritating than interesting to people.  I'll have to fix this.    

I think I'll go back and add some dialogue between Bonnie and Scarlett, talking about what a crazy the ex boyfriend was.  This will add some character traits to the killer (Brad) that we didn't know about before.  So when Brad is shown as the killer, we will understand his obsession with Graciella, with Bonnie and with Scarlett.  We won't have to explain it all over again.  This is locking the gate after the horse runs off.  

The only problem with that is, I don't wanna POINT OUT who the killer is and I don't want Scarlett to ever figure it out on her own.  I want her to stay confused.    

I like the idea that the masked man, the guy knocking at the door, the guy at Don's Food Mart, it could be anyone and everyone.  The guy knocking on the door could simply be Jason, looking for Bonnie.    

I'll have to spend some more time figuring this ending out so that it's more satisfying instead of confusing.        

Thank you so much for your detailed review.  Most of the reviewers point out the ending as the weakest link.  I can see that.  

I've already changed the ending once, but still seems too open-ended and unresolved for most people.  I won't promise to dumb it down any, but I will make it a lot more clear that Brad is the masked killer from the beginning and end of the story.

Take care,
Eric D.    

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ericdickson  -  May 9th, 2008, 6:28pm
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ericdickson
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25: Suspensful scene when Scarlett goes back to her apartment. What happened to Bonnie at this point? I thought she was sleeping round hers for that evening?


You're right.  Bonnie was supposed to spend the night.  I'll have to scrap that dialogue about her staying over.  I can't believe I didn't catch that!
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Dreamlogic
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I read this through last night and found it very entertaining.

First of all I'm going to have to disagree with Mikep's comment about speeding up the beginning of the script. I think it's easy to cut down the scenes that do nothing for the progression of the story. For me the greatest thrillers are the ones that spend time developing a sense of place and atmosphere. You did a fantastic job at bringing the city to life and creating a gritty atmosphere. I love the way the radio acts as a form of voiceover to introduce both Scarlett and the reader to the city. I feel that the setting should be treated like a central character.

For the first half I felt this was an almost faultless script. It felt original, the characters were great and the dialouge came across as very real. But towards the end is where It seemed to go down hill, I almost felt that I was reading a different script from the one i started. The turning point for me was the end of the scene where Chris stays over at Scarletts, I thought the scene was very intense and added a lot to the mystery. Unfortunately I became bored and slightly frustrated from there onwards. It seemed to lose its dark and creepy edge and feel more like a teenage slasher/mystery film.

You seemed to narrow your script down to only three locations. The store, the apartment and police station. I felt that you lost all the atmostphere that worked so well in the begginnig. It all felt very claustrophobic (Not in the panic room sort of way). I would have loved to see some scenes of the killer driving around at night looking over the seedy city streets.

I felt that the whole 'was it Brad or was it Chris' idea was what let the script down the most. It's not that I felt it didn't work, but rather It seemed that you let go of all the other fresh angles you were approaching the script from in favour for the overdone 'Who did it?' structure.
The scenes with Bonnie were great! I felt they were a nice break from the mystery. You seemed to focus more on character in these scenes. I was very dissapointed when she became just another suspect.

Overall I really enjoyed the script. Problems aside, It kept me entertained all the way through and kept me guessing until the end, which was very unpredictable! Bonnie was definitely my favourite character, she felt the most real and fleshed out.

Excellent work!



THE LONG ROAD NORTH
A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1213640432/

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Dreamlogic  -  July 3rd, 2008, 12:39pm
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ericdickson
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Quoted from Dreamlogic
I read this through last night and found it very entertaining.

First of all I'm going to have to disagree with Mikep's comment about speeding up the beginning of the script. I think it's easy to cut down the scenes that do nothing for the progression of the story. For me the greatest thrillers are the ones that spend time developing a sense of place and atmosphere. You did a fantastic job at bringing the city to life and creating a gritty atmosphere. I love the way the radio acts as a form of voiceover to introduce both Scarlett and the reader to the city. I feel that setting should always be treated as the second most important character.

For the first half I felt this was an almost faultless script. It felt original, the characters were great and the dialouge came across as very real. But towards the end is where It seemed to go down hill, I almost felt that I was reading a different script from the one i started. The turning point for me was the end of the scene where Chris stays over at Scarletts, I thought the scene was very intense and added a lot to the mystery. Unfortunately I became bored and slightly frustrated from there onwards. It seemed to lose its dark and creepy edge and feel more like a teenage slasher/mystery film.

You seemed to narrow your script down to only three locations. The store, the apartment and police station. I felt that you lost all the atmostphere that worked so well in the begginnig. It all felt very claustrophobic (Not in the panic room sort of way). I would have loved to see some scenes of the killer driving around at night looking over the seedy city streets.

I felt that the whole 'was it Brad or was it Chris' idea was what let the script down the most. It's not that I felt it didn't work, but rather It seemed that you let go of all the other fresh angles you were approaching the script from in favour for the overdone 'Who did it?' structure.
The scenes with Bonnie were great! I felt they were a nice break from the mystery. You seemed to focus more on character in these scenes. I was very dissapointed when she became just another suspect.

Overall I really enjoyed the script. Problems aside, It kept me entertained all the way through and kept me guessing until the end, which was very unpredictable! Bonnie was definitely my favourite character, she felt the most real and fleshed out.

Excellent work!




Thanks.  With regards to the whodunnit? scenario, I think I'm gonna do some restructuring of my second act, keeping that same feeling of the first act.  

The originality you spoke of does seem to go down the drain after the first twenty or so pages.  The idea of this script, even before writing it, was to create as many red herrings as possible.  To give the reader a reason to keep reading.  To the point that they have to know who's doing this to Scarlett.  

As of now, I'm really trying to market my scripts toward LA based production houses that produce/direct low-budget thrillers and horror films.  This genre seems to be the easiest way in.  I just try to keep my stories simple, but done a certain way that they are entertaining, interesting and attractive to investors.  This is why I keep it down to two or three, maybe four to five locations.  

But I will take another look and see if I can throw in a few more twists that have to do with the pressures of the LA scene, much like I did in the first act with the Thunder Cat Productions, Bonnie's financial struggles, borrowing money, the broken down car, etc.  

Scarlett's struggles during the first act are all personal experiences of mine being in LA for the first time, tweaked a bit for fictional purposes.  That's probably why it reads more personal during the first act, then turns slasher in the second.  I totally see where you're coming from.  I'll work on that.  

I hope my comments on The Long Road North were helpful.  

Take care, my friend.

Eric D.          
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Carolinexxxxx
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read your story a while ago, so i thought i should review... I loved it. really, i've been searching this site for a good script to read, and yours was the first one that caught me. Some times it was a little slow paced, but the ending def. made up for it. the ending was incredible, and this is definitly a more than once read.
keep up the good work!
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ericdickson
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Quoted from Carolinexxxxx
read your story a while ago, so i thought i should review... I loved it. really, i've been searching this site for a good script to read, and yours was the first one that caught me. Some times it was a little slow paced, but the ending def. made up for it. the ending was incredible, and this is definitly a more than once read.
keep up the good work!



Thank you so much.  Im afraid I don't have internet for awhile, but when I do, I would like to read some of your work.  Ill get back to you as soon as possible.

Thanks again,
Eric Dickson
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Scoob
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Eric,

What is going on with this one? I think it is a fantastic script - are you even still here?



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Quoted from Scoob
Eric,

What is going on with this one? I think it is a fantastic script - are you even still here?


I've been struggling with finances, dealing with real life, not getting hours, etc.  I recently moved and haven't had internet for a month or so.  Nightmare on Elm Street was the last script I wrote.  It seems to be getting decent marks.    

As far as doing something with this script, I'm still getting the bad taste out of my mouth from "Dark Games".  We still don't have distribution and I've been asked to rewrite the ending about a dozen times.  The editor has been blackmailing the director for over a year now, requesting more money, refusing to release footage, insisting on changes, and has even rewritten the ending behind my back.  An ending which sucks so bad the director is calling me and asking me to do another rewrite.    

I'm not exactly optimistic about pitching my other scripts right now.  I saw your comments today and you've given me hope.  I think I'll get back to work on this one and maybe start shopping it around again.  

Thanks,

Eric D.  
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ericdickson
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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I've rewritten this thing after eleven years and have spent a good amount of time on it these last few weeks.  It's gone through a major overhaul since 2008 and I'm trying to prep it for this year's competitions.  Most likely do Screencraft Horror again and maybe a couple of others.  

It's not live yet but if you'd like to do an exchange, please reach me at edixsn1@hotmail.com.  I'm looking to read a good thriller or suspense script.  

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