Hi Stevie,

Many thanks for your review and for giving this a go. I've had a few drinks so hope I dont go on too long!

Quoted from stevie This is an interesting script. You have sort of weaved(I presume) some of your favorite movie bits into it? There's elements of Batman/ The Joker when the Stranger tells Rogers he made him. Also a bit of Terminator in there, on the general relentless of the action and carnage - Charlie just keeps on turning up despite having a big ol' knife in his scone. stevie

It's probably hard not to compare a few things that stand out but I did try and write it as original as possible. I've had this idea for years, since I was a kid back in the late 80s when I used to go on holidays to some caravan sites and wrote a little story about an FBI agent who got lost and ended up investigating this particular caravan site ( trailer park I imagine it would be nowadays ) and everyone was missing. He found a survivor and trusted him until he finds out he is in with his brother and these two fruitcakes are the ones responsible for all the deaths that he discovers later on. Being about 8 or 9 at the time - I was exposed to horror films at an early age and Im now writing from a maximum security instituition - I wasnt exactly writing with any format!
But the idea has always kind of stuck with me and as you get older, I just wanted to revisit some of my childhood stories and try and rewrite them in an updated way!
Definitly, there are influences from the films you mentioned - I love them both. I've never written a car chase scene or anything with some kind of "action" other than killing so it was new for me to try and write a few scenes I wasnt used to. Hope they came out ok.
Charlie's "Michael Myers/Terminator" powers of healing were slightly out of bounds, I agree there lol. I put the last one in as a bit of a gag, it wont be there on the rewrite. To try and make sense of what I wrote before, I think wrote about seven or eight follow on stories which included him being chopped up in to pieces and the survivors of the previous massacre were so fed up of the guy returning they ended up eating his chopped up parts! I was a twisted child. The funny thing is, I remember writing another - I think he came back through some kind of digestion/puking thing...

Quoted from stevie the Dick Turpin ref puzzled me too - you're English but this script is set in America - isn't there a Westbury near Boston?- so Amercan kids wouldn't really know of Turpin.stevie

Yup, this is probably a little confusing and not really needed. To be honest, I did not have a clue whether to set this in the US or UK so I kind of bobbled inbetween both. I think I was trying to slightly reference the highwayman element but I dont think it - the story -  really even goes there so I will probably cut this out or just work on what I was trying to say with it a little better.

Quoted from stevie overall your writing is good. some of the desciptins were too long. As alffy pointed out. you could knock a few pages off this. It would make it tighter and easier to read; though i read it quickly anyway. stevie

Thank you for your kind words! Always appreciated and with much gratitude. I do have a bad habit of writing too much of too little, making too much of minute things. I'm looking to change this in future. I agree I could knock quite a few pages off this. I try and create atmosphere and suspense with way too many words. I've read some of the stuff here and learnt a lot and I need to just keep it short, simple and sharp.  

Quoted from stevie I was a little disappointed in the stranger. The start is well done and sets him as this mysterious creepy person, who might even be a demon or something. But he is just a 'normal' evil guy, albeit one who controls his actions for maximum effect in killing people. The images of the corpes were a little disturbing and your ref to the Holocaust was spot on. But then it is a horror story. stevie

Im sorry you were disapointed in the end result of the character. I knew what he was about before I even started writing but I did want to give him some weird, odd touch - because he is kind of odd and weird. I thought of the film Dust Devil a couple of times because, I suppose if I was trying to base his appearance on something, it would have been that. I do love the supernatural and would still hope to write about a demonic killer that is different from anything we have read or seen before. It would be fun to write, it's just trying to avoid the curse of Thorn and things like that I guess!

Quoted from stevie with a careful re-write Mal, this would become a very good horror script. A few commas need to be put in, to break up long sentences. But your actual formatting was goo so all the best with it. stevie

Thank you Stevie, I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and write your thoughts. All points taken, it will help with the next write of this thing.

Thanks mate

Hi James,
Many thanks for reading and reviewing, you pointed out some things I will definitely take a closer look at.

- Why are they still calling this guy the Midnight Slasher? He’s dead. Wouldn’t they know his real identity by now?

Since the Midnight Slasher is not a character that returns, I felt it best to keep things simple and not give out too much personal info on the guy. I didn't want to mislead anyone too much by giving a profile on a character that wouldn't play any further part. Perhaps I could have Rogers reveal his true name in the conversation with Karen, just so it might feel a little more realistic.

- This scene with Karen and Rogers is sorta strange. Rogers wants to have a word with Karen and yet he waits until she comes to him.

I think it works OK, it's an early scene to try and add some development to the characters. Rogers does come out at the end of the scene a bit strange and odd, which is intentional. Regarding Roger's telling Karen he was meaning to talk to her , it was him saying that since she was here now, he may aswell have a chat -  it wasn't as if he was going to seek her down.  On the other hand, how many times have you had to come to someone and they have said " I was just about to talk to you about that..." and you know that is a complete lie! Also he may have intended to talk to her at some point but he was busy but she got there first?

pg. 21 – I think Karen’s line (“They were already dead?”) should come before the flashback. That way she’d be deducing the fact, not recalling it. Nobody’s gonna remember anything this detailed right before a head-on collision. The panic would kick in instantly.

Good point,  I think this line and a couple others just after are kind of just pointing out the obvious.

pg. 27 – I think spotting someone running through a dark cornfield at night without a flashlight when they’re already “vastly ahead if” you is a very hard thing to do. I think it’d be more realistic as well as mysterious and suspenseful if Roger followed the sound of the figure instead.

This is a good catch. I think I made a mistake with one of the scene headings around here too, I wanted it to be early night but past dusk...but that kind of mismatches the previous scene where it is "night"! I'll look into it though, I like the idea of following the sound.

How does the fire start? A single match isn’t gonna set off a huge pile of broken wood, especially when it’s tossed so casually. Maybe the pews have gotten a recent varnish touch up or something? One of the characters could mention the smell when they enter the church. I don’t know. Something else has to start the fire in addition to the match.

Another good point. It's hard enough trying to light dry wood as it is, so I'm going to have to change this. I was thinking he could light some candle arrangement that is set on a cloth table inside the church before knocking them onto the ground to kick start to fire. Either way, I do need to look at this part.

pg. 71-72 – The V.O. doesn’t seem to work here. It comes out of nowhere and the information isn’t particularly relevant. I think you can lose it. At the very least, it’s more interesting to watch what Rogers does without knowing what’s to come.

Agreed again. I think this must have been a last minute add in - I cant remember why I even put it in!

pg. 75 – TOILETS seems like a very strange slug.

Maybe RESTROOM would be better? I think it's a UK thing.

pg. 88 – This exchange of dialogue between Rogers and the Stranger lasts way too long. I see what you’re getting at with it all and you really don’t need so many lines to sum it up. I’d suggest breaking it down a page or two. As of now, it drags quite a bit.
pg. 98 – Again. A little too heavy on the dialogue. Cut it back some.
pg. 101 – Again. The dialogue... Although the info about Rogers’ family and the chaos theme in general is crucial.

Regarding the dialogue being overlong, I agree again. It was even longer than it is now, but I knew it was still way too much. It's what gave me the biggest headache but hopefully when I come back to write a new draft, I will be able to cut it down considerably. Thanks to the reviews so far, it has made it a lot easier to see what works and what does not.

- How does Charlie come back three times?

Ha-ha, this will definitely be chopped. Well, the third time anyway!

I really appreciate that you enjoyed the suspenseful aspect of the script, it is what I was aiming for from the beginning. I do realize I need to work on some points here and there and I'm grateful that you brought some things I didn't notice to my attention.

Thanks again James for your review - it will prove to be very useful for future drafts.

I think the script is solid. The action and dialogue are good. There are a few spots where you get redundant but those have been mentioned in the previous reviews.

One issue I have, and I understand it's hard to be completely original, are the two scenes where Rogers and Karen save each other. I do like the concept that they're able to return the favor - one in the bgenning, one in the end. My problem here is this has been done in so many thrillers and dramas. The gunman has the victim in a no win situation, ready to pull the trigger, the gun fires and we see it's someone else from behind.

That said, I'm not sure what the fix would be or whether there even needs to be a fix. At least you've put some originality in it by having them both do it.

Overall, it was a quick enjoyable read. I read a couple new submissions this last weekend and they were tough to get through. This one wasn't one of those. Nice work!

Thanks for posting this Don & co. and replacing this in this section. Appreciated.

And thank you to insider901 for giving this one a whirl.

I think the script is solid. The action and dialogue are good. There are a few spots where you get redundant but those have been mentioned in the previous reviews.

Thanks! I'm gonna go back and change a few bits around for the next revision to hopefully clear them all up.


One issue I have, and I understand it's hard to be completely original, are the two scenes where Rogers and Karen save each other. I do like the concept that they're able to return the favor - one in the bgenning, one in the end. My problem here is this has been done in so many thrillers and dramas. The gunman has the victim in a no win situation, ready to pull the trigger, the gun fires and we see it's someone else from behind.

That said, I'm not sure what the fix would be or whether there even needs to be a fix. At least you've put some originality in it by having them both do it.

Yeah, this scenario is a bit cliched haha. As you said, I'm not sure what else to really do with it to be honest so it will have to stick for the time being.

Overall, it was a quick enjoyable read. I read a couple new submissions this last weekend and they were tough to get through. This one wasn't one of those. Nice work!

Thanks for the kind words, always encouraging.

Appreciate your time reading this,

Malc