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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Avondale Park Killer - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Avondale Park Killer - 7WC  (currently 5691 views)
RayW
Posted: September 23rd, 2010, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Part 3 of 3 (This went on wee longer than intended!)

Pg 84
He SMASHES her head against the door. She crumbles to the
floor in a heap. Her eyes close. BLACKNESS.

Sh!t, Tom.

Pg 86
TOM
Why is it so hard to believe?
She’s a murderer!

Odd having to see this same scenario played out again with him in Jennifer's position.
Shoe's on the other foot, now, Tom!

Pg 87
Melissa’s eyes flicker open. Dazed, she reaches into her
pocket, pulls out her cell phone. She looks at the screen.

When did she get a cell phone?
And how come she didn't have a bunch of baby pictures and video on that?

ON THE SCREEN, the message reads: “MEET ME AT THE PLACE
WHERE WE VOWED TO STAND BY EACH OTHER FOREVER... TOM”

Dude. You just smashed your wife's head into a door.
And it ain't one of those cheapo hollow doors I'll wager.
Girl's got blood trickling and you're asking her to meet you "AT THE PLACE WHERE WE VOWED TO STAND BY EACH OTHER FOREVER".
Okey doke.  
We know it's a twist coming here, so you need to have Mel respond appropriately.
Which for Mel, lately, has been pretty whack.
But still...
She needs to be p!ssed and motivated. Not Humpty Dumpty "Oh. Okay."

Pg 92
MELISSA
I didn’t get the chance to make
things right. She was my best
friend and I told her I couldn’t
trust her anymore!
Tom consoles her as her eyes fill up again.
TOM
I don’t know what to say... he
was my best man... I didn’t think
he would...

Gotta rework this.
His confession of complicity comes too easily.


Okey doke!
All done.

That's a great story.
I don't know if you're familiar with Lifetime Movies
http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/
This is right up their alley - UNLESS - you can get a heavy to attach, so GL with that!
Two thumbs up! I'll be rooting for ya!

I'm reconsidering the baby hassle.
Maybe go ahead and keep Dylan, just have Melissa discover him over at Carrie's home.
Somewhere, just not in the mansion.
In fact, if the Howard mansion is big enough to have a garden big enough to golf in maybe there could be a small guest house or cottage on the premises. Keep Dylan and a temp nanny out there.
Close - just not IN the house.

Flesh out Kevin's relationship with Mel.
Make Mel a smidge smarter and funnier.
Carrie more of a tease player.
Don't have Carrie and Mel go shopping. Have then out memory lane-ing.
Don't break into the car with a crowbar.
Work on putting babies in car seats.
Adam needs to be involved a great deal more.
Maybe Carrie has been hinting and suggesting Mel's whack accusations to Adam and he's starting to ferret info out of Mel.
I dunno.

Definitely a PG-13, but a pretty light one at that.
So, if you were holding back any you can let it out some.
You only get to use the F-word once in a PG-13, but your language is pretty clean, anyway.
I really don't see the need to add any violence or gun play, but it's there as an option.
Sex it up a smidge - although I don't know where
It has a very budget conscious design. Nice.
Audiences always like the luxury settings. Can't go wrong there.
I think the characters are ubiquitous enough to be played by anyone CSA picks.

Bravo!
Can't wait to see round two!



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Brian M
Posted: September 23rd, 2010, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Murphy,

Thanks for reading! I don't think you're being too harsh. All feedback is good feedback to me.


Quoted from Murphy
The plot. I never bought it for a minute, despite the fact I bought into the people. The whole story is so full of holes I am amazed it stays together at all. It relies so much on people not asking the right questions, not saying the obvious, an overheard telephone conversation that is not followed up and quite frankly a ridiculous farce. In fact despite my dislike of the ending I guess it fits because the only way I could possibly believe Tom's behaviour during this script would be if he was actually the killer. Which even if that was the case it still should not be, as the final reveal should be a surprise.

The Baby. Yes by all means have Maria or Carrie look after the baby, but keeping him locked up in the house???


I'm not even going to blame the 7 week time limit for many of the problems here. Although I finished on the last day, I still had the time to read through before I submitted so it's my fault. The baby is a great example. He's never locked in the room at any time. There's supposed to be an explanation from Tom that Carrie had been looking after her at her place, with Andrea taking her turn, too. The day Melissa finds the baby, Tom was preparing to tell her that night. That problem, and a few others, could have been sorted before I submitted this if I gave it a good read through instead of trying to rush. I did have several hours to spare so I only have myself to blame.  

There are other major problems that would take a lot more time and effort to fix, and I see several scenes that may need to be rewritten from scratch mainly due to the crazy actions of the characters involved, but I think they are fixable.


Quoted from Murphy
The killer. Knew pretty much straight away it would be him, you had no other characters introduced, and you certainly tried a bit hard to give Kevin the Red Herring role.

Every single scene had either Tom or Mel in it, you never left them for a minute, giving the brother and maybe even Kevin a small sub-plot of their own would have gone a long way towards the development of their own characters.


Kevin needs a lot of work. I tried to make him a suspect, but a lot of people missed it.

Leaving Tom and Mel for a few scenes is a good idea. Thanks!


Quoted from Murphy
But I am pointing this out because I have read you mentioning that this is a a first draft and you tend to write another. I would advise that you don't. Be pleased with what you have accomplished in 7 weeks, be pleased you managed to pass the test and be proud of what you came up with. But I don't see how another 5 drafts and a few months could turn this story into anything else.


I'm definitely going to be writing another draft at some point. Sorry! I know there are a lot of issues, but they are definitely fixable. I've got a huge list of things to improve on, and new ideas that will work. It would only take 3-4 weeks to finish another draft, so if it still sucks, then I'll lay it to rest. I do think there is something there, though I'm more than a little biased!

Thanks again for reading and posting your thoughts. It means a lot to me. Do you have anything that you'd like me to read?

Brian
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Brian M
Posted: September 23rd, 2010, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ray,

I've enjoyed reading through your comments. There's a lot of great suggestions there, I'll definitely be taking note of them when I rewrite. I'll try and answer as many of your questions as possible, though there are too many to use the quote-thingy on

Everyone is in agreement about Tom going for chicken. I'll change it.

Also guilty of not writing END FLASHBACK. I normally pull other people up about this! Damn.

Correct about the lock picking. To start with, I wanted Kevin to be there with the intention of robbing the house for money for drugs and be surprised when he sees Mel, but it changed somewhere along the line. I'll need to sort that.

I was actually thinking about a cool serial killer name on the last day but couldn't come up with anything. I like your suggestions, it's something that will feature in the next draft.

Kevin is a problem. I wanted Mel's amnesia to cover the last year or so of her life, so she can't remember Tom at all, but she can remember Kevin, who she dumped because he was using drugs. She can't remember the stalking and violent turns which happened after she dumped him. This need to be much clearer.

Good suggestion about the anxiety attacks. Although I will be toning back a lot of Mel's crazy behaviour, this would be a good line to have in there just in case!

I've thought long and hard about the baby, and I think I can fix it. I'm thinking if she finds a baby toy or something in the house to set her off. I'll be using the quick flashes for her to remember small things about the baby before she discovers it. I'll be thinking of a concrete way to deal with this before I start a rewrite anyway.

I like the idea of a wedding video and pictures.

Haha, her arms! Damn! She gets hit over the head a fair bit, too. Poor girl... I'll need to mix it up a bit.

Mel's constant running with the baby will be cut back, I promise. There will be more investigating and less running.

I wanted to make Kevin a woman beater to throw some suspicion on him as a possible killer. It's something I'll need to work MUCH harder on.

The flashback scene when the shoe is on the other foot is actually my favorite. I thought it was refreshing to see Tom as the crazy one and Mel the voice of reason, even if it's only for a few pages.

It's funny you should mention Lifetime movies as you are the 2nd or maybe 3rd to point that out (1st from this site though, 10 points!). I've never been to America, so I had to Google it, but I have been told they show things like this all the time.

There is more of Kevin's story in my head than there is on paper. I'll make sure I fix this.

Again, thanks for reading. I've enjoyed reading through your comments, all with a smile on my face. If you have anything else you want me to read, send me a PM.

Brian    
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brian,

Thanks for the read! Its an excellent first draft!
The story is cleanly told and easy to understand, which is important.

I breezed through the script pretty well until baby Dylan comes along.
The little tyke kinda derails a decent thriller.
He must be the Baby of Steel to survive that crash without a car seat!

Every note I planned to adress has already been done by others here.
Your elements are present but they need a logic stream to bind them.
How in the heck do no one here that baby in a locked room?!?

Thanks so much for the post, its quite a set up for a first draft, congrats!


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Brian M
Posted: September 24th, 2010, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Electric Dreamer,

Thanks so much for reading and posting. Baby Dylan is a major problem for most people but I'm sure I can fix it. I don't know how I missed the car seat problem!

I'm glad you think it's good first draft material. It needs work, but I will come back to it sometime and start again.

Do you have anything you'd like me to read over? I leave tonight for sunny Majorca for one week, but I'll have plenty of time to read when I get home. Just send me a PM with the name of your script. Thanks again!

Brian
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 25th, 2010, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Brian M


Do you have anything you'd like me to read over? I leave tonight for sunny Majorca for one week, but I'll have plenty of time to read when I get home. Just send me a PM with the name of your script. Thanks again!

Brian


Hey Brian!

I am currently polishing up an apple I plan to submit soonish!
It's just a multi genre writing sample, but you gotta start somewhere!
Thanks for the kind words and have safe and fun travels!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Brian M
Posted: October 2nd, 2010, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, man! I had a great time.

Just send me a PM when your script is up and I'll get to it.  
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stevie
Posted: October 8th, 2010, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brian! Have finished reading as promised.

I've read a few of the previous comments and they've pretty much covered what I was gonna say.
Great effort to do this in 7 weeks; the same to everyone else.

This was a pretty quick read which is always a good thing - it had a nice flow to it.

i think with a fairly extensive re-write this would be a neat little thriller. You have all the ingredients there, but i guess the deadline pressure forced you to maybe rush towards the line a bit.
Some of the characters, dialogue and situations are a tad cliched - you need to give them some of your own 'hook' to make it stand out more.

I'm impressed at your ability to do a good comedy like Publicity Whore, and then follow it up with a another genre so quickly.
I sometimes have trouble breaking away from the comedy niche - with the upcoming Halloween challenge, I hope to do this, depending on the theme.

Cheers mate and well done again.

stevie



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Brian M
Posted: October 10th, 2010, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie,

Thanks a lot for reading, man. I've actually outlined the rewrite from first page till last and I think it will work much better. I've started yesterday, so hopefully I can finish it soon, then rewrite Publicity Whore.

Now I have one horror, thriller and comedy. It's funny, because I want to do another horror, but I have two great ideas for comedy scripts. I want to do a drama but the comedy just needs to be written, if you know what I mean.

I still haven't had the chance to read the opening of your zombie infested script as I owe someone a read on another site, but I'll get to it very soon. Thanks again!

Brian
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