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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Memwipe - 7WC Moderators: bert
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  Author    Memwipe - 7WC  (currently 9689 views)
Coding Herman
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Gee, I almost forgot replying to your post, Michael. Sorry about that.

But first, thank you so much for reading Memwipe. Especially from non-7WC participants.


Quoted from mcornetto
Characters were not interesting enough.  I just didn't care about them. I couldn't tell who the protag was going to be and I didn't really care for any of the characters.

I need to care a bit more about Kevin and Grace, either like them and relate to them or otherwise be so fascinated with them that I want to know what they're going to do next, you need to make them more interesting somehow.


Yup, I definitely agree with you here. I'll take your suggestion and start my story earlier during the "better days".

I'll start my first scene with Kevin and have him stay with us until he goes for Pearson. I think that why people were less confused as to who our protagonist is.


Quoted from mcornetto
Also this Pearson guy has a silly name.  Personally, I would change it because it ruins the tone of the beginning.  And speaking of names, the name GUY didn't really work for me because I kept thinking it was generic.  This could be just me but I found it confusing.


Changing names is not a big issue here. BUT what's confusing again?  


Quoted from mcornetto
Lastly, there's the dialogue.  While it was sufficient and it carried the story along, I think it could have been a lot better.  Give your dialogue a bit more life.  I know that's kind of a general thing but I can't think of a single piece of dialogue that stood out in this script as excellent.


I've been struggling with dialogue. Do you mean I should work more on subtext?


Quoted from mcornetto
One other thing was that I found the use of Troop and Troopers a bit distracting because they weren't good guys and generally I associate that word with people on the side of the law.  Personally, I would look for another word to describe them like Goons.


Duly noted.


Once again, thanks so much for your input. If you have anything you want me to read, just PM me.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Responses to your post at 1:52 PM, 9/9

I looked back and found James.  Yeah, either flesh him out or drop him. There are a lot of characters who seem to be very much alike.

Herman, the scene on page 23 comes off, to me, as much of this does, just downright unrealistic.  It’s the classic cliché ridden scenario of some sort of “boss” and his henchmen doing whatever he tells them to move his evil plan forward.  The dialogue also comes off as exposition, and again, just doesn’t come off as remotely real. Wish I could explain it better, but that’s the best I can do.

Well, obviously, “I’ve is a contraction for “I have”, but in this case, it sounds very odd to me.  Do you speak this way?  Would you say, “I’ve something to tell you”,  “I’ve got something to tell you”, or “I have something to tell you”?   I don’t know, if it sounds OK to you, there’s nothing technically wrong with it.

I think what I mean is something many will disagree with.  For me a script or movie needs to show “real people” and sometimes, to make a person “real”, they need to engage in things that aren’t completely plot driven.  You know, I read 45 pages, and I can’t think of a single thing anyone has done that makes them seem like real people.  For instance, think about Harrison Ford’s character in “The Fugitive”.  An awful lot happened to old Harry, but there were numerous scenes in which he interacted with characters and situations that showed us he was a good, everyday kind of guy.  Your script has absolutely nothing that makes any character come off as anything more than what the plot requires. Does that make sense?

You don’t always have to move the plot/story forward, IMHO.  When you show things like I’m talking about, it sets your writing apart from the masses, breathes life into your characters, and hopefully, makes them interesting, intriguing, and likable.

Yes, I am concerned with Grace’s fate more than anything else, since I can tell she’s been messed up.
Yes, all of the above…I don’t see the motivations (and understand that a bunch of goons/henchmen/Troopers doing what their “boss” tells them to do is not motivation for me – it’s cardboard bad guys doing cardboard bad guy things), I don’t see believable dialogue or dialogue interactions, and I don’t see proper actions/reactions to situations.

But they do chase him in broad daylight…all over town, including a crowded subway system and train cars.  Nothing is kept under wraps at all.  There’s a bunch of people climbing on roofs on broad daylight…what would the neighbors think of this?  Cars passing on the street?   Wouldn’t someone be the least bit concerned about what’s going on?  How about the fight in the subway?  Where is all the security?  It looks like an attack is going on with a woman involved.

Nah, the wire thing is fine. I doubt the wire would just “break”, but it could pull out from the machine, I suppose.

OK, Page 39 – We’re talking about the scene with Guy sitting in the Memwipe SUV and Kevin and Grace run up, overpower him, and take off.  First and foremost, seriously, what is Guy possibly doing here, in the SUV?  You’ve already told me he’s a brand new hire and works on running the controls or something.  He hasn’t even gone through Orientation Week, for God’s sake, and here he is out chasing people down, during business hours.  Does that make any sense at all?  It doesn’t to me, and it’s so unbelievable that it actually angers me, and makes me want to give up the read.

How is it confusing or poorly written?  In many, many ways (which isn’t such a bad thing, Herman…it’s a rough first draft that was written and conceived in only 7 weeks!).  It starts out written from Guy’s point of view, which I don’t think it should, as Guy is such a minor character up to now.  The wording on the action is just…well…just not good, Herman.  All this stuff about the stun baton being turned backwards…blah, blah, blah, then a “Trooper” gets “stunned” and cartoonishly flies back into the rest of the goons and they all fall down.  Remember, this is simply my opinion here, so take it with a grain of salt.  If it reads well to you, run with it.

My bad…car/SUV – I don’t think of a car and an SUV in the same breath.

OK, this GENERAL NOTE you’re referring to here, is actually based on the scenes in the subway, not just on Page 43.  Here’s the best way I can answer your questions, and please, understand I am trying to help here, I’m not putting you down or anything like that.  If this doesn’t help, disregard it…but I bet it will.  I’ll answer your questions with some questions of my own…

Where is this script set (as in city)?  Do you have subways where you live and do you take them on a regular basis?  Is this subway in your script taken from one you are familiar with, or did you do research online that had pictures of whatever subway this is supposed to be?  If your answer is “I don’t know”, “who cares”, or “no”, then the problem is simple.  How can you write about something without being familiar with it?  You can’t.  The entire thing comes off to me as if you decided you wanted to move the action into a subway, and started writing, without having a clue about the details of the structure itself, where things are in relation to other things, etc.  The escalator stuff is very confusing, as in I cannot picture it happening the way you’re describing it.  Hope that makes sense and helps.

I don’t know when Rob should see them, but that’s not the point.  It comes off as an almost zany comedy chase scene.  It does not come off realistically or believable to me.  Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, I don’t know.  Rob is a technician at Memwipe, though, right?  Why is he doing double duty and acting like some kind of thug/goon?  Who are these Troopers?  Where is subway security?

OK, I’ve still got another 70 pages to read, and it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow, as we’ve got FOOTBALL ready to kick off soon.

Hope this helps, Herman.
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mcornetto
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman

Changing names is not a big issue here. BUT what's confusing again?  

I've been struggling with dialogue. Do you mean I should work more on subtext?


What was confusing was the name GUY because it could be used generically like MAN.  "You see that guy, the one over there".  I probably didn't catch the character intro so as I was reading I thought the character was someone whose identity you were holding back from the reader.  It was probably just me so don't worry about it.

I don't think the issue with the dialogue has to do with subtext, though a bit of work at that would probably help.  What needs to happen to the dialogue is that it needs to be punched up so that there are at least a few times where I or someone else can go, "great line"!  I don't think I could easily quantify or explain exactly how you might approach changing it but I can tell it's missing.  

It's like the difference between a character saying...

"I hope it doesn't rain" to them saying "It's going to piss down and spoil everything, I know it."  
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff, thanks so much for the responses. It's always good to hear back from the questions I've posted.

This post is in response to your post of 3:21 PM, 9/9.


Quoted from Dreamscale
There’s no reason that I can come up with that Pearson would be the only one not saying a word and by himself.  It doesn’t matter what he’s doing, actually, cause Kevin is going to talk to him no matter what.  And considering that Pearson hasn’t resurfaced with any character description through page 45, as I mentioned, whether or not he’s a loner, doesn’t matter.


I guessed you're right. He's not the ONLY person in the bar alone. I just want him to be alone. So I shouldn't write, "Everyone mingles except for PEARSON". I should simply write, "Pearson sits alone at the bar." Sounds good?

But you will see him again later on. Forgot which page though.


Quoted from Dreamscale
He’s across the street from the bar, so my point is that the SLUG is not accurate.  Personally, I’d just lose that entire scene and start with him climbing into the SUV.


I can lose the scene with a quick fix, no problem. BUT, if I were to write a scene similar to this one, would EXT. BAR still be correct?

The reason I wrote this EXT. BAR scene is because in the previous scene, Pearson saw Kevin heading for the exit, so right now I'm showing Kevin got out of the bar and heads for the SUV. I just wanna show that Kevin and the SUV are closed to the bar.

If I just cut to the SUV scene, I'm not sure if the audience think I had cut to a different location. What do you think? Maybe I can show from the side window of the SUV, we can see the bar?


Quoted from Dreamscale
I do believe you need to find a way to give a lot more info about Memwipe.  I’m still clueless up to page 45 about the company’s past legal dealings, public perception, etc.  It all needs to come out and made clear very early on, as it’s really the crux of this story.


I agreed that Memwipe is not presented in enough details. I planned to rewrite my opening scene such that we're back in the normal days inside Memwipe and show how Memwipe usually function.

Brian seems like the only one who gets what Memwipe does and even he said it needs to be more clear. I guess he was in the same boat as you after page 45, confused about what Memwipe actually is.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Why would you want this to not be chronologically linear?  It makes no sense.


Never mind that. I can simply start that scene right in the back alley instead of having them bursting out the door. An easy fix.


I'll respond to the rest of the comments tomorrow. Enjoy the football game, Jeff!



FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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RayW
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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Part 1 of 2

PDF Page 7
He helps Diane up, takes off his suit for her.
takes off his suit jacket for her.

PDF Pg 16
GUY
Orientation week.
Kevin gives him a look.
KEVIN
We back in high school?
GUY
I gotta know the ins and outs of
how things operate here. It’s one
of the criteria stated in the
employee handbook.

Holy smokes. This company is a disaster!

PDF Pg 17
KEVIN
Newborn’s a pain, eh? I’ll be in
there for an hour.

The bald guard has a newborn baby keeping him up at night?

So... what did Kevin have to do for an hour in the memory archive?

Pg 21
He clears out a small section of the coffee table, takes out
the memory disc from his pocket, and places it there.

Wow. Originals only? Taken off site? No copies?

Lambert hands him a huge present. Overjoyed, Michael pecks
him on the cheek.

(As I'm reading this) I'm guessing Lambert is Grace's father?
By story's end I know the answer, but a fickle reader might get bogged down by this.

By pg 22 I like the Kevin/Grace/Diane triangle situational complexities.
And... then Diane screws it up on page 23. Normal, but... that's reality, isn't it?!
Keep it. I'm just appreciating it.

Character names are often arbitrary and I'm terrible with them.
Just as a general issue I try to circumvent, I make an effort to chose character names with alphabetical diversity.
I like how you have the younger characters referenced by their first names and the older Lambert by his last.
I did the same thing in Lapse. Convergent evolution. Two thumbs up!

Pg 24
Rob sips his tea as Lambert paces. This irritates him.
ROB
Can you chill? Everything’s still
according to plan.

I find the disrespect for business hierarchy unpleasantly interesting. Rather rude. No wonder the business is a wreck and the cops are on their tail.

Pg 25
LAMBERT
You better clean up this mess
before anything gets out.

I like how they're trying to "solve" their product's problems WITH the product. LOL!
Somewhere I heard that if the only tool you have is a hammer you tend to try to solve all your problems with the hammer.
Sissy, white collar, techno-wieners need to quit sanitizing memories and frying brains and just kill people the old fashioned way. Ha!

Pg 27
Diane jabs the needle into Grace’s neck.
DIANE
Were.

GD, Grace! Whattab!tch you are!

Pg 31/32
He grabs Grace’s hand and dashes out the building.
Grace is ambulatory after that procedure?
Wasn't she a veggie just the prior day with Kevin and Diane wiping off her paralyzed twitchy fingers back on pg 10/11?
Fix the first intro of Grace.

Pg 34
KEVIN
Just say it. What’s my name?
GRACE
I dunno.
Kevin mumbles a curse.

He loves her. He cares about her. He should just tell her "My name is Kevin Lancaster. Your name is Grace Lancaster. You are my wife and you are in danger. Please let me help you."

KEVIN
Look. It’s a very long story. I’ll
explain everything to you later.
But what we need to do right now,
is to find out why those people
want you dead. Pearson Hamilton,
does that ring a bell?

I'd strike that entire passage, but relocate the Pearson Hamilton question to some point in the following car evasion sequence.

Pg 35 Wasn't much of a MemWipe pursuit in the SUV.

Pg 36
CELL DISPLAY -- "Leave home now"
Before he can react, a car screeches outside the house.

No sh!t, Sherlock! That wasn't too bright.

He keeps watch as
Grace searches for the disc.
She ambles to the bed.

Holy smokes. There're bad guys charging in the living room and Kevin's watching while toast-brained Grace "ambles".
What a bad situation.

A glimpse of something silver catches her eyes.
She reaches for it. A disc the size of a palm, imprinted on
the front: HAMILTON, PEARSON.

Since grace is brain fried, have her knock over a chair Kevin had placed yesterday's work shirt onto, shirt shoulders on the chair back corners, the disk slides upward out of the breast pocket when the chair hits the ground.

Pg 37
EXT. ROOF - DAY
Kevin and Grace crawl up the slope. He’s right behind her,
clinging to the memory projector.

Don't try escaping unnoticed like this at home.
It makes a horrible thumping sound when you walk on the roof.
Otherwise, it's a nice suspenseful sequence.
Also, are these memory disks about the size of a mini-DVD?

The dangling wire on the projector? Do you mean the electrical cord or a wire to the headset?

Pg 39
His Troop is startled.
Gotta call the goons something better in re-write. MW Security? I dunno.
Memwipe seems to be a rather hig tech/capital business with a small employee count.
Make the Troop Rob's own "Dirty works" man. Make him an evil sidekick like Richter's in Total Recall, Helm (Michael Champion).

Scratch the startled troop altogether. Have Rob just running out the bedroom door then down the stairs yelling "They're on the roof!'

Pg 40 Nicely choreographed escape sequence.
Rob tends to the stunned Troop and glares at Guy with
unspeakable frustration.

Change to:
Rob steps over the recovering troop then places a hand on Guy's shoulder.
ROB
We need to talk about your future with the company, kid.


KEVIN
They can track it.

You can probably slip in a reference to GPS in there.

Pg 42
The train jerks forward. The Fat Man leans onto her. That’s
enough
. She sees an empty seat and darts for it.

strike That's enough.

Pgs 40-42 Nice flashback sequence.

Pg 47 Delete the Security guard, it adds nothing.

He manages a chuckle. The irony. strike The irony.

Pg 48 Sequence of Grace meeting her own Mom needs some suggestive setup beforehand. In real time it's... off.

Pg 50
LAMBERT
No. It’s our people. They all know
what they’re doing. Their positions
within the company. And most of
all, they know what they should
do...and what they shouldn’t do.

LOL! Boss is delusional!

Pg 51
INT. MARY’S HOUSE - DINNING ROOM - NIGHT
Kevin, Grace, and Mary eat their dinner. A plate of mashed
potatoes, roasted chicken, and salad sit on the table.

< holds head & shakes it > Even with a tracer somewhere on Grace, they had time to prepare a large supper then sit down and eat WITHOUT Bob & Co barging in.
Clowns. Lambert's a delusional buffoon!

Pg 53
KEVIN
You wanna forget our divorce.

In this moment of complete and honest sincerity, Kevin should use proper English. Change wanna back to wanted to

Pg 58
It’s a small device with blinking lights. The same one that
Lambert has. Mary picks it up and examines it.

I don't recall or missed the prior description/mention of such a device.
How it falls from Kevin's jacket or is discovered needs to be re-worked.
Sh!t just don't fall from our clothes. LOL!

He raises his arm and knocks-- strike raises his arm and

Pg 59
MARY
Nonsense. The only place you’ll
find marijuana is inside my body.

Funny, but needs some set up beyond her intro description of "A hip grandmother."
She have glaucoma? Cancer? Kevin make a quip or good natured taunt earlier?

Pg 60
MARY
What does that have to do
with marijuana?
Add What

Pg 65
He slowly creeps inside. He can hear heavy breathing. And
that’s not his own.
He grabs the clothing, readies to pull--

strike And that's not his own.

Pg 67
The driver, DAVID, twenties, Mohawk hair with sunglasses,
disembarks.

change disembarks to gets out then leans over her.

PEARSON
That’s a hit-and-run, for crying
out loud! How could I forget that?

WTH? It wasn't a hit and run. At least not David's
Previously: A red Ferrari stops inches in front of a GIRL.
No H&R there.

Pg 69
MORTIMER
No. I said I’ll invest after my
son’s charge is dropped.

Police, attorneys and plaintiffs must be all over this. Not to mention public records.
Hmm... need to figure a work-around this, but I do understand the importance of this set-up just fine.
Perhaps in the re-write it can be changed to a social indiscretion of a severe magnitude affecting Morti's business or political interests.
Make him a senator.
That would eliminate the police element.



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Part 2 of 2

Pg 79
DIANE
Everything’s in here. Bolonski and
the disc.

Bolonski's and Grace's disks.

Pg 81
He pulls out blank papers and a device with blinking lights.
Ah! That's the tracer.
Somewhere in the near future and they're using cartoony blinking light tracers?!
Make it a funny looking metal poker chip thingie.

Pg 81 The "Sofa Situation" can be lost.

Pg 83 I think Kevin just had a brain fart since he deliberately left the Diane's blinking tracer thingie in the envelope at the restaurant not fifteen minutes earlier. Now he's hiding with her at Vickie's while she peddles a key card stating she couldn't get the disks when she just said that they were in the envelope.
Continuity.

She avoids his stare. Her eyes swell up.
DIANE
Don’t thank me. It’s all I can do.
Grace’s a lucky woman. Good luck.

Lying... NECK stabbing b!tch! Ha ha ha!

Pg 84
EXT. MOTEL PLATFORM - DAY change to patio or balcony

Pg 85 The key card has a blinking light in/on it? I understand the need for the audience to "know" how they are being tracked. Since this is near-future have them being tracked by cell phone GPSs or something. In Minority Report it was the eye scanners.

Pg 88
LAMBERT
Old and cheap, eh?

GUY
At six months old it's practically a dinosaur.

Guy chuckles, nervously now.
This is a great place for Lambert to almost catch Guy.
Keeps the suspense running.
Keep thinking about how to re-work this sequence, though.
Currently, most phones are programmable for different ringtones for different callers.
Maybe the rude old boss wants to call his young whipper-snapper nube employee, gets a different ringtone than he just heard, dismisses him.
Stupid, old geezer.
Whatever you think of this is a good place for it, though.

Pg 89
INT. MEMWIPE - WASHROOM STALL - NIGHT
Guy sits on a toilet seat with a laptop. He’s also wearing a
bluetooth earpiece.
GUY
Yeah, man. It’s suicidal going in
from the front.

Maybe this is supposed to be a nice-to-see, surprise reveal sort of thing, if so there needs only a sliver of set up beforehand.
Maybe back at the pg 79 brief meeting Guy can pass Kevin a business card or a receipt with a 1800 number that's really Guy's business phone.
Some skulduggery BS.

Pg 90
The grappling hook flies in through the opened window on the
top floor. It catches and secures onto the wall.

Having tried to toss a baseball duct-taped to a cord over the limb of a tree to pull it over years ago, I hafta be impressed with Kevin's prowess with a grappling hook and a five story building. Gotta love that movie magic!
(pg 17 They reveal a five stories cylindrical structure with a dome top.)

Pg 91/92 Need to figure a way to show Guy magically tapping into Memwipes security system.

Pg 93
In the mirror, he spots a pair of feet behind a closed
stall. He thinks nothing of it and keeps washing.

Guy is a dumb cop for not picking up his feet when Rob entered.
Rob's a dumb dummy, too. This time at night there ought to be no one else there.

Pg 94
He lifts up the toilet tank.
Commercial toilets have no tanks. Building code regulations.
Figure another work-around like... Guy has it tucked up under his jacket between his shoulders.
Since this is the near future, you can do the plastic keyboard and monitor bit.
It's rolled up and tucked in his sock.
Rob didn't hear clicking but does see Guy's feet underneath the stall door.
And that's a pretty neat magic trick to get out the bathroom door without being heard.
Maybe make it one of those baffled entries w/o a door.
Even still, surely Rob would have darted out the entry/door and been onto Guy in the hall.

Pg 96
Confused, shocked, and stunned. His knees weaken and slowly
drop to the floor. He stares idly at the display, ignoring
the approaching footsteps.

Mister bad a$$ can climb five stories up a glass tower but flips out over his dirty company scamming his own memories.
C'mon, Kev! Wise up! LOL!

Pg 100
Lambert, with a syringe in hand, comes from behind and jabs
Grace in the neck. Her body goes limped in seconds.

If you wanted to be a really sick man, you could write Diane as Lambert's daughter.
And I think you need a RETURN TO SCENE after this flashback to return to the Motel room.

Pg 101
Kevin turns towards the sound and sees Rob. Kevin quickly
presses the disk eject button a few times. Nothing comes out.

A: Kev shoulda pressed the button the moment he saw his disk slot. B: You need to insert disk eject

Lambert kneels beside him. He hands the stun baton back to
the Bald Guard.

Alright, you senile old geezer! get in the game!

Pg 102
Diane oversees them from behind.
Too bad evil Diane can't cultivate "a thing" for evil Don.
She doesn't really DO much other than facilitate misery, does she?
And I guess they all kinda forgot about Guy running amok in the building.

The door bursts open as a herd of people flocks in.
WTH?

Pg 103
KEVIN
Answer me, Lambert! You did all
these just to help that kid get
away with murder?

Reckless homicide or manslaughter, actually.

Page 105 It seems James has kinda been on the fence all this while. Now all of a sudden he's biased toward the good guys? Need some more prior wiffle-waffle on James.

Pg 108
Kevin ignores Guy and goes straight to the third one. It’s
Pearson. Kevin opens the freezer door and Pearson slumps
onto him.

If Pearson is slumping it's more of a refrigerator than a freezer. Otherwise - TIMBER!
And... why are they saving dead people in their covert, subterranean meat lockers?

Pg 109
He unlocks a drawer with a key and takes out a handgun.
IT'S ABOUT D@MN TIME SOMEONE USED ONE OF THESE!


Done

Super fantastic.
You did a wonderful job, Herman.
Lovely interweaving of core characters and story structure.

There are several movies this premise and story's pace remind me of.
Total Recall - For obvious reasons.
My short "Dona Marina: Origins" had several people citing it was adversely similar to the feature "Apocalypto".
Of course there were tremendous differences in everything other than setting, yet the point remains - They smacked of one another.
It's a (arguably) legit point or issue.
Some things are fine for rehashing over and over.
(How many civil war movies are there or westerns or WWII movies. Whatever).
But other things... well... folks only wanna see once. Ugh!
TR is about putting in false memories.
MemWipe is about erasing existing memories.
Two different critters to me.
So... now what? I dunno. It's something.
I just don't know what to do right off the top of my head.
Paycheck - Here, it's direct memory erasure. Pretty much kissin' cousins. Moreso than TR, but Paycheck wasn't wildly successful as TR.
Deja Vu - Deals with "Near Future Tech", much along the lines of Memwipe. Additionally there's a lot of running around and trying to figure out where all the bad guys are.
Enemy of the State & Eagle Eye - More "Near Future Tech" future mostly centering on 1984 Big Brother invasion of privacy. Also a lot of running around.
eXistenZ - More integration of scifi "Near Future Tech" amongst a current setting along with a mystery to figure out.

Where to go from here?
Alternative #1 - Cleanup what you have, tweak as you go.
Of the above movies, Total Recall I'd favor simply because it follows a decent three act structure: They're on Earth, They goto Mars, They find Quato/the alien oxygen thing/kill the bad guys. Love it.
The other movies had a bunch of running around A to Z.
That didn't do much for me.
MemWipe, as is, has much of the same feel.

Question: Can you, if even interested in breaking away from the "running around" model, figure out a stronger A=>B=>C story without absolutely reinventing the story's current mood?

The two simplest, broad-scoped, clean-up suggestions I'd modify:
A - Make MemWipe a investigatory government program, ala Project Treadstone from the Bourne series, the "Snow White" machine in Deja Vu, or the whole military lab thing in The Hulk.
Blame it on the government. Makes great scapegoat.
Government buffoons are a natural, favorite audience hate target.
Everybody wants to see their fellow man "stick it to The Man"!

B - Keep local police out of the situation by making Mortimer a corrupt and dirty Senator both in control of the project's funding and in need of its services due to his own indiscretions.

Something I'd like to see you include in a clean-up re-write, and is the biggest PITA, is to create a WHOLE world of "near tech" and integrate that into the story.
The hardest part is that it can't be so wacky the audience balks at it, (although I could cite the tech incongruities between Nixon's war on cancer [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_on_Cancer ] from forty years ago which... really hasn't materialized much - and - Dick Tracy's eighty year old TV wrist phones which... pretty much everyone has today as cell).
Not every field of science progresses at the same rate, in other words.
MemWipe has memory erasure but no other "near tech".
Makes it kinda funny.
Total Recall could afford to go balls-to-the walls with crazy tech BS.
Not so, here.

This brings us to Alternative #2 - Re-craft with the core concept.
Ugh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know EXACTLY what this entails but have no idea where to begin.
Just something to consider.

(Frankly, I'd go with the alt #1, cleanup, for the near future while back burner figuring out alt # 2 for years down the road.)

Hope you find a nugget or two in there.



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Coding Herman
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Hi Jeff, hope you enjoyed the game last night.


Quoted from Dreamscale
What is Rob trying to do?  Do we know what Rob is trying to do?  I have no clue, actually.


Fair enough. His intention, which in linked to what Memwipe does, is not clearly stated upfront and I have to rework this in the opening.


Quoted from Dreamscale
My GENERAL NOTE pertains to the fact that since I know almost nothing about Memwipe, and the roles of every character intro’d, it’s tough to get a feel for what’s happening, why, and why I should care.  I would definitely agree you need to make it clear (clear isn’t really the right word, either) what Memwipe does, what has gone on there, etc.


Why "clear" isn't the right word either? Again, I have to find a way to convey this info upfront. Brian and you are the only ones who stated this fact. And I believe what caused all these confusions is I didn't show the "legal" part of Memwipe, and I just put the audience right into "illegal" part.


Quoted from Dreamscale
It comes off like Guy doesn’t know anything at all about the company, or even what he’s doing there.  Why would they have some 20 something kid running a memory erasure procedure?  It’s downright crazy, if you ask me.  How would one “know how to run the panels” but doesn’t even seem to now what goes on at the company?  On page 15, Guy goes with Kevin to learn how things work, and he even says it’s “Orientation Week”, and talks about what he’s supposed to know based on the “Employee Handbook”.  All this kind of stuff comes way before someone starts actually working, and WAY WAY before they do something that could be potentially dangerous to anyone.  It’s basically a huge red flag that says this is far from realistic.


Ah, I got what you mean now. Sometimes when you say something unrealistic, it might help to be more specific because what's unrealistic to you might not be unrealistic to the writer. And this is because the writer is so subjective. Once you explained it, yeah, I see how it's wrong.

An easy fix would be have Guy just a brand new guy, on his first or second day, and let someone else in the previous scene worked the panels.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Clear may not be the right word, because maybe it's not meant to be entirely clear exactly what they do...or did.  But, we have to have some idea of what's going on there and what has been going on.

The thing about Guy is deeper...why would someone in their 20's want to work for a company like this?  You make it seem like they're some kind of illegal entity.  Where would one get training to work at a place like this?  Is it the only such place of its kind?

Maybe, the fact that you represent Guy as being in his 20's that's an issue, as I just don't see how he would fit.  Know what I'm saying?
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Coding Herman
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Quoted from Dreamscale
The scene on page 23 comes off, to me, as much of this does, just downright unrealistic.  It’s the classic cliché ridden scenario of some sort of “boss” and his henchmen doing whatever he tells them to move his evil plan forward.  The dialogue also comes off as exposition, and again, just doesn’t come off as remotely real. Wish I could explain it better, but that’s the best I can do.


I now see what you don't like about that scene. So you're telling me I should get this information across in a different way? Or should I just lose it?

I need to do some exposition here because I want the readers to understand why Grace is being kidnapped by Rob afterward. Maybe I can do it visually instead of in dialogue? Hmmm......have to think about this one.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Well, obviously, “I’ve is a contraction for “I have”, but in this case, it sounds very odd to me.  Do you speak this way?  Would you say, “I’ve something to tell you”,  “I’ve got something to tell you”, or “I have something to tell you”?   I don’t know, if it sounds OK to you, there’s nothing technically wrong with it.


Well, I rarely say "I've got", usually "I've" or "I have". But again, English is not my mother-tongue, so I don't know.

Wish someone can chip in on this.


Quoted from Dreamscale
For me a script needs to show “real people” and sometimes, to make a person “real”, they need to engage in things that aren’t completely plot driven.  You know, I read 45 pages, and I can’t think of a single thing anyone has done that makes them seem like real people.

For instance, think about Harrison Ford’s character in “The Fugitive”.  An awful lot happened to old Harry, but there were numerous scenes in which he interacted with characters and situations that showed us he was a good, everyday kind of guy.  Your script has absolutely nothing that makes any character come off as anything more than what the plot requires. Does that make sense?


Yes, it makes sense to me. So this means I need to have some scenes that reveal characters, and if they can also move the plot forward, even better.

And to do this, I guess the characters need to interact with the world outside of Memwipe. Or engage in situations not related to work.

Am I getting it right?


Quoted from Dreamscale
I don’t see the motivations (and understand that a bunch of goons/henchmen/Troopers doing what their “boss” tells them to do is not motivation for me – it’s cardboard bad guys doing cardboard bad guy things), I don’t see believable dialogue or dialogue interactions, and I don’t see proper actions/reactions to situations.


So what's missing is the boss's motivation, but then I want to reveal it at the same time Kevin discovers it. So should I show the boss's motivation upfront? Hmm....but I'll be showing a lot of things in the beginning.

Now that's a tricky thing about henchman and goons. Their motivation.......is listening to their boss! Haha. Okay, what if this is what they are paid to do? To capture targets for erasure. That's their job. Like police officers where their job is to capture criminals.

No? It sounds like I'm digging myself deeper into a hole.


Quoted from Dreamscale
But they do chase him in broad daylight…all over town, including a crowded subway system and train cars.  Nothing is kept under wraps at all.  There’s a bunch of people climbing on roofs on broad daylight…what would the neighbors think of this?  Cars passing on the street?   Wouldn’t someone be the least bit concerned about what’s going on?  How about the fight in the subway?  Where is all the security?


Lambert wants this under wraps. It's Rob who's reckless. I don't think capturing someone in a quiet suburban home would cause a riot. Rob thinks he can get Kevin easy in his home. They'd never thought Kevin and Grace would climb the roof.

What's wrong with cars passing on the street? There isn't a car chase.

Now the fight in the subway. It's all Rob being himself. And I have the backstory why Rob hates Kevin so much, it just didn't make it onto the page in this draft. And yes, there is subway security. They'll appear.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Nah, the wire thing is fine. I doubt the wire would just “break”, but it could pull out from the machine, I suppose.


I need to find another way to express it. Maybe "The wire breaks off from the projector"?


Quoted from Dreamscale
We’re talking about the scene with Guy sitting in the Memwipe SUV and Kevin and Grace run up, overpower him, and take off.  First and foremost, seriously, what is Guy possibly doing here, in the SUV?  You’ve already told me he’s a brand new hire and works on running the controls or something.  He hasn’t even gone through Orientation Week, for God’s sake, and here he is out chasing people down, during business hours.  Does that make any sense at all?  It doesn’t to me, and it’s so unbelievable that it actually angers me, and makes me want to give up the read.


True, very, very true. You're good at catching these things. Like other reviewers, they say Guy is not developed enough and I planned to either make him completely brand new (so he won't take part in this operations), or make him more competent.

Hopefully, that'd alleviate some of your anger and keep you reading my script! Sorry for making this hard for you.


Quoted from Dreamscale
How is it confusing or poorly written?  It starts out written from Guy’s point of view, which I don’t think it should, as Guy is such a minor character up to now.  The wording on the action is just…well…just not good, Herman.  All this stuff about the stun baton being turned backwards…blah, blah, blah, then a “Trooper” gets “stunned” and cartoonishly flies back into the rest of the goons and they all fall down.


Hmm.....Brian said my action sequences were well-written, and you're saying the opposite. I might need a third opinion now. But I agree with you about Guy's POV. I should change that.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Where is this script set (as in city)?  Do you have subways where you live and do you take them on a regular basis?  Is this subway in your script taken from one you are familiar with, or did you do research online that had pictures of whatever subway this is supposed to be?  If your answer is “I don’t know”, “who cares”, or “no”, then the problem is simple.  How can you write about something without being familiar with it?  You can’t.  The entire thing comes off to me as if you decided you wanted to move the action into a subway, and started writing, without having a clue about the details of the structure itself, where things are in relation to other things, etc.  The escalator stuff is very confusing, as in I cannot picture it happening the way you’re describing it.  Hope that makes sense and helps.


This script is set in a city. I live in Toronto and I take the subway almost everyday. So yes, the subway in the script is taken from the Toronto one.

The subway station depicted here is the actual St. George subway station, which has two subway platform levels because this is where two subway lines intersect each other. There are escalators to get to each level. For each one of them, there is an up escalator and a down escalator. They run parallel to each other with a narrow space in between them.

Each subway train has six cars. And there are five doors in each car. There is also the back door where transit employees can go to each car while the train is moving.

Sorry, I'm just rambling here. Maybe the subway system at your place is completely different than mine?

The reason why Kevin and Grace need to take public transit is because they need to get to Mary's house. They couldn't take the SUV or else they could be tracked.


Quoted from Dreamscale
I don’t know when Rob should see them, but that’s not the point.  It comes off as an almost zany comedy chase scene.  It does not come off realistically or believable to me.  Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, I don’t know.  Rob is a technician at Memwipe, though, right?  Why is he doing double duty and acting like some kind of thug/goon?  Who are these Troopers?  Where is subway security?


I think I'll have to check with other people who have reviewed this. I think technically it can happen.

Again, Rob's motivation is not stated here. I'll need to find some ways to put it in.

Don't worry, there's subway security.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Hope this helps, Herman.


They do help, Jeff. I need to know which parts of the story are confusing, unclear, unrealistic, unbelievable and why. And you've answered my questions quite efficiently.

Thanks a lot.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Clear may not be the right word, because maybe it's not meant to be entirely clear exactly what they do...or did.  But, we have to have some idea of what's going on there and what has been going on.


Oh no, I do want the readers to know what Memwipe actually does for the public. Like what kind of services Memwipe provide.

After reading 45 pages, can you guess what services Memwipe provide? What's legal and what's illegal about them?


Quoted from Dreamscale
The thing about Guy is deeper...why would someone in their 20's want to work for a company like this?  You make it seem like they're some kind of illegal entity.  Where would one get training to work at a place like this?  Is it the only such place of its kind?


Seems like Guy is giving me a lot of problems. But I don't understand, why wouldn't someone in their 20s want to work in this company? This is like a bio-tech company. Recent grads can apply for jobs there. All companies need fresh blood, right?


Quoted from Dreamscale
Maybe, the fact that you represent Guy as being in his 20's that's an issue, as I just don't see how he would fit.  Know what I'm saying?


Hmm.....I think I might understand what you're talking about. You're saying for a high tech company that can erase people's memory, the employees should be very experienced, at least 30 years old?

I'll have to disagree with that opinion. The low level jobs in each company are usually populated by the inexperienced and recent grads. The technicians in this company are those jobs. But you're right, I shouldn't let Guy out there with Rob chasing Kevin down.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 10th, 2010, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Herman, 2 things - I'm glad to hear that you actually did have a subway in mind when you wrote this.  That's great. I do not take a subway, never have, never will...but I do know what they look like.  I just couldn't get a visual here at all, and the stuff about the tug of war sounds kind of goofy, and maybe that's what pushed me overboard on this part.

Also, I'm not saying that something "can't happen", in regards to anything, especially the stuff about Rob or whoever doing goon work as well as technician work.  What I'm saying is that I find it unlikely and odd that anyone with a normal job/life would partake in things of this nature that could/would land him in a heap of trouble, both legally and physically.

It's the same deal with Guy, only worse...why would some kid, fresh out of school, jump into such shit?  You know?

I'll try and get through the end of yours this weekend, but it's unlikely as I'm booked tonight, have my Fantasy Football Draft all day tomorrow, and Sunday is the first full day of FOOTBALL!

Have a great weekend!
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Coding Herman
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Hey there, Michael. Thanks for replying my questions.


Quoted from mcornetto
What was confusing was the name GUY because it could be used generically like MAN.  "You see that guy, the one over there".  I probably didn't catch the character intro so as I was reading I thought the character was someone whose identity you were holding back from the reader.  It was probably just me so don't worry about it.


I can see the confusion now. And this damn Guy character is giving me a hell lot of troubles. He will be completely re-written.....along with his name.


Quoted from mcornetto
What needs to happen to the dialogue is that it needs to be punched up so that there are at least a few times where I or someone else can go, "great line"!  I don't think I could easily quantify or explain exactly how you might approach changing it but I can tell it's missing.

It's like the difference between a character saying...

"I hope it doesn't rain" to them saying "It's going to piss down and spoil everything, I know it."  


Ahh.....yes, I got it. I need to think of more snappier and colorful words that are appropriate for each character. Cuz right now, I know all of my characters sound the same because I was so focused on what they should say to move the plot forward.

It's kinda like a double-edged sword. You have a story in mind but then your characters don't obey to it. And you have to try all sorts of different ways to get the story back on track, and as a result, making the dialogue unnatural.

Hopefully I'll sort this out in my rewrites.

Once again, thanks a lot, Michael. It really helps.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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RayW
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Quoted Text
Ray:
Question: Can you, if even interested in breaking away from the "running around" model, figure out a stronger A=>B=>C story without absolutely reinventing the story's current mood?


I kept running the events of the story back and forth and finally figured out the ABC transitions:
ACT I : Setting and escape
ACT II : Meet Mom and snooping/data gathering
ACT III :  Diner set-up and entry into company

I don't know how much responsibility it is for the writer or director to make those transition points become apparent.

I think the escape from the MemWipe facility to the park and then into Mom's home went too smooth for me and so I didn't catch it.
And I think somehow Kevin needs more "No! No! No! I can't go back there! I can't go back there!...  SH!T!!!... I gotta go back there!" before or during the meet with Diane at the diner.



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Coding Herman
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Hi, Ray. Sorry for the late reply. Thanks for the review.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 16
GUY
Orientation week.
Kevin gives him a look.
KEVIN
We back in high school?
GUY
I gotta know the ins and outs of
how things operate here. It’s one
of the criteria stated in the
employee handbook.

Holy smokes. This company is a disaster!


Hahaha....I know. I have to change this Guy character instead of making him look like an idiot. The company shouldn't let Guy work the panels before his orientation.


Quoted from RayW
So... what did Kevin have to do for an hour in the memory archive?


To look at Pearson's memory to find if there's anything related to Rob.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 21
He clears out a small section of the coffee table, takes out
the memory disc from his pocket, and places it there.

Wow. Originals only? Taken off site? No copies?


Good idea. I'll get Kevin to get a copy of the disc instead of the originals.


Quoted from RayW
Lambert hands him a huge present. Overjoyed, Michael pecks
him on the cheek.

(As I'm reading this) I'm guessing Lambert is Grace's father?
By story's end I know the answer, but a fickle reader might get bogged down by this.


Yeah, I should rework this flashback scene. I actually inserted it in after the script is finished because I wanted to show that Lambert cares about Michael.

I guess it really comes out of the blue that Lambert gave a present to Michael. You think Lambert is Grace's father, whereas Brian thinks Lambert here should be Kevin.


Quoted from RayW
By pg 22 I like the Kevin/Grace/Diane triangle situational complexities.
And... then Diane screws it up on page 23. Normal, but... that's reality, isn't it?!
Keep it. I'm just appreciating it.


I might need to make Diane less desperate. But glad you liked the love triangle.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 24
Rob sips his tea as Lambert paces. This irritates him.
ROB
Can you chill? Everything’s still
according to plan.

I find the disrespect for business hierarchy unpleasantly interesting. Rather rude. No wonder the business is a wreck and the cops are on their tail.


I already have plans to change Rob's backstory so that he has a more substantial reason to hate Kevin and disrespect Lambert, and Lambert can't do anything about it.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 27
Diane jabs the needle into Grace’s neck.
DIANE
Were.

GD, Grace! Whattab!tch you are!


Funny how after several reviewers, you're the first person who mentioned about Diane. And I liked your reaction to her character.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 31/32
He grabs Grace’s hand and dashes out the building.
Grace is ambulatory after that procedure?
Wasn't she a veggie just the prior day with Kevin and Diane wiping off her paralyzed twitchy fingers back on pg 10/11?
Fix the first intro of Grace.


She was a veggie because her brain is fried. Right now, the procedure wasn't finished yet, so she's still ambulatory. She just lost all of her memories.


Quoted from RayW
KEVIN
Look. It’s a very long story. I’ll
explain everything to you later.
But what we need to do right now,
is to find out why those people
want you dead. Pearson Hamilton,
does that ring a bell?

I'd strike that entire passage, but relocate the Pearson Hamilton question to some point in the following car evasion sequence.


You wanna explain your reasoning? I wanted here because I need Grace to believe Kevin just a little bit so she'll go home with him, and let the audience know that Kevin's goal is to look for Pearson.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 35 Wasn't much of a MemWipe pursuit in the SUV.


What do you mean?


Quoted from RayW
A glimpse of something silver catches her eyes.
She reaches for it. A disc the size of a palm, imprinted on
the front: HAMILTON, PEARSON.

Since grace is brain fried, have her knock over a chair Kevin had placed yesterday's work shirt onto, shirt shoulders on the chair back corners, the disk slides upward out of the breast pocket when the chair hits the ground.


Yeah, I guess I can work something like that into there.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 37
EXT. ROOF - DAY
Kevin and Grace crawl up the slope. He’s right behind her,
clinging to the memory projector.

Don't try escaping unnoticed like this at home.
It makes a horrible thumping sound when you walk on the roof.
Otherwise, it's a nice suspenseful sequence.
Also, are these memory disks about the size of a mini-DVD?


Viola! One of the major plot holes I can think of. Yes, Rob would've heard them in the master bedroom. But I tried to make Kevin and Grace wiggle themselves up, so maybe the sound isn't too loud.

Yes, the discs are about the size of a mini-DVD. Size of a palm.


Quoted from RayW
The dangling wire on the projector? Do you mean the electrical cord or a wire to the headset?


Yes, the electrical cord connecting to the projector.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 39
His Troop is startled.
Gotta call the goons something better in re-write. MW Security? I dunno.
Memwipe seems to be a rather hig tech/capital business with a small employee count.
Make the Troop Rob's own "Dirty works" man.


Like Rob has his own team of abductors, right? Yeah, I was thinking along the same line.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 40 Nicely choreographed escape sequence.
Rob tends to the stunned Troop and glares at Guy with
unspeakable frustration.

Change to:
Rob steps over the recovering troop then places a hand on Guy's shoulder.
ROB
We need to talk about your future with the company, kid.


I liked the description, but I'm not too sure about Rob's dialogue here.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Quoted from RayW
KEVIN
They can track it.

You can probably slip in a reference to GPS in there.


That means Kevin can't use his cellphone. Hmm.....I'm not too sure how GPS works, I'll have to research on it. Thanks.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 47 Delete the Security guard, it adds nothing.


Disagree. The guard blocks Kevin's way while Rob's chasing them from behind, so it adds more tension. And there has to be subway security after what Kevin and Rob did on the escalator.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 48 Sequence of Grace meeting her own Mom needs some suggestive setup beforehand. In real time it's... off.


What do you mean by "it's....off"? Mary has been mentioned quite a few times before her actual appearance, so I didn't get the lack of suggestive setup either. Please clarify.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 50
LAMBERT
No. It�s our people. They all know
what they�re doing. Their positions
within the company. And most of
all, they know what they should
do...and what they shouldn�t do.

LOL! Boss is delusional!


Again, how is Lambert delusional here? Please explain.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 51
INT. MARY�S HOUSE - DINNING ROOM - NIGHT
Kevin, Grace, and Mary eat their dinner. A plate of mashed
potatoes, roasted chicken, and salad sit on the table.

< holds head & shakes it > Even with a tracer somewhere on Grace, they had time to prepare a large supper then sit down and eat WITHOUT Bob & Co barging in.
Clowns. Lambert's a delusional buffoon!


Oh, Lambert told Rob not to chase Kevin down after the subway incident. Lambert wants Rob to take down Pearson first.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 58
It�s a small device with blinking lights. The same one that
Lambert has. Mary picks it up and examines it.

I don't recall or missed the prior description/mention of such a device.
How it falls from Kevin's jacket or is discovered needs to be re-worked.
Sh!t just don't fall from our clothes. LOL!


It was mentioned right after Kevin drags Grace out of Memwipe. Lambert shows Rob that he has put a tracking device on Kevin. I just didn't show when and how Lambert did it, although it can be implied that Lambert slips it into Kevin's jacket while Kevin's holding him hostage.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 59
MARY
Nonsense. The only place you�ll
find marijuana is inside my body.

Funny, but needs some set up beyond her intro description of "A hip grandmother."
She have glaucoma? Cancer? Kevin make a quip or good natured taunt earlier?


I guess what you're saying is that Mary is not properly setup to be so "hip and cool" that she'd be saying that piece of dialogue.


Quoted from RayW
Pg 67
The driver, DAVID, twenties, Mohawk hair with sunglasses,
disembarks.

change disembarks to gets out then leans over her.


Good suggestion.


Quoted from RayW
PEARSON
That�s a hit-and-run, for crying
out loud! How could I forget that?

WTH? It wasn't a hit and run. At least not David's
Previously: A red Ferrari stops inches in front of a GIRL.
No H&R there.


What happens is the car hit the girl while the car tries to stop. So the girl is in front of the car. I think I should've written it clearer. Maybe "A GIRL lies inches in front of the red Ferrari"?


Quoted from RayW
Pg 69
MORTIMER
No. I said I�ll invest after my
son�s charge is dropped.

Police, attorneys and plaintiffs must be all over this. Not to mention public records.
Hmm... need to figure a work-around this, but I do understand the importance of this set-up just fine.
Perhaps in the re-write it can be changed to a social indiscretion of a severe magnitude affecting Morti's business or political interests.
Make him a senator.
That would eliminate the police element.


This is a great idea! My first intention is that the police hasn't really noticed anything yet, so I shouldn't say "after my son's charge is dropped" because David is not even charged. Mortimer is just scared that the police will eventually go to David if Pearson's memory is not erased.

But making Mortimer a senator is a very good suggestion. But I'll have to find out why making him a senator would eliminate the police element. You mean the police won't investigate senators? Or senators have the power to evade police investigation?

And what do you mean by "a social indiscretion of a severe magnitude affecting Mortimer's business or political interests"?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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