SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 3:45am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Way Of The Snake Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Way Of The Snake  (currently 1473 views)
Don
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Way Of The Snake by Dennis Coleman - Thriller - In this thriller, a bullied teenager joins a secret society to gain power over his enemies. After going through the cult’s nearly fatal initiation, he suddenly gets everything he ever wanted. That’s when the Snake Society tells him that he has to murder someone close to him in order to keep living his dream. He’s ordered to assassinate his own father. If he doesn’t, the entire secret organization will be after him. 106 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
LuisAnthony
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 10:49am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.03
I find this to be an excellent concept that I could see myself watching at the movies.

That being said, I find the log line to be poorly written.

Right of the bat, I can see that you are telling way too much of the story in a simple log line. Don´t tell us that they order him to kill his dad. I assume that this sub-plot is introduced later on in the story. Unless this happens very early on and is the inciting incident. If this is, in fact, the inciting incident you should totally re-write it to make the flow more fluent and free.

If I do stand correct and this sub-plot is introduced later in the story, completely get rid of it in your log line. Keeping it at  "In this thriller, a bullied teenager joins a secret society to gain power over his enemies" will suffice. That to me is already interesting enough to give it a read. You could easily add another sentence if you wish, but nothing spoilerish. Something like - he soon discovers he gets more than he bargained for - or something like that.

If you polish your log line you will definitely get more reads.

I will still try and give this a read as I think that the concept itself is very interesting.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
LuisAnthony
Posted: March 27th, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.03
I read the first 18 and I´m really digging the writing.

Definitely change the log line, the script is much better than that.

Just to get the negatives out of the way -

SHOW, don´t tell. Not when it comes to character descriptions. You introduced Joey as a "Boy who idolizes Devin". There is no way we would know that upon glancing at him for the first time. If the character development is good enough, we will know this. The way you introduced Devin was perfect. You gave us a hint that he is rebellious when describing  the slash across his cheek; you didn´t tell us he was rebellious, do that with your other characters. I´m not going to get into the other characters I would just be repeating myself. The traits of the characters should be unveiled through action, dialogue, etc.. Not in introductions.

Other than that, I can´t seem to find any real problem with the script.

I think the beginning is GREAT.

You did a great job introducing us to these characters (using action and dialogue). I already feel sympathy for Devin, i think he is a great main character. The character development for him and the other characters is tight, good job.

I think you set up Devin´s relationship with his dad fairly well. It certainly sparked my interest to see what would happen to him, as you revealed that this cult commands Devin to kill his dad. Yeah, DO NOT include that in the log line, it most definitely shouldn´t go there.

I really like the dialogue. It flows well, and it is definitely not "on the nose".

I think "Brad´s secret" plays very well to the story and it definitely sparked my interest.

All in all, the story itself is great so far. It is going in a very interesting direction. The characters are great, the dialogue is great, the story is great.

I will continue reading this, unless this is falling on deaf ears. Otherwise there would be no point in reading. If you do see this, please let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
Dennis
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 10:31am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks, I appreciate it. This script was Nicholl Fellowship Quarter-Finalist and also won the Screenplay Search Awards top prize. I will take your notes into consideration.
The reason I give things away in the logline is I've been doing a lot of pitching on other sites, and the rules there are that you have to give away the ending in the pitch. But I'll shorten it here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
eldave1
Posted: March 30th, 2016, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Dennis - had a chance to read the first 20. you are a very talented writer. I love your style, the use of asides for character description were great, thinks flowed so naturally. Really great stuff. So good, that I hesitate to provide comments. Anyway:


Quoted Text
MR. DANFORTH (CONT’D)
You come into my classroom looking
like that, Caldwell? What is the
matter with you? You have something
wrong with you. You just don’t know
how to fit in.

He pulls Devin to his feet.

MR. DANFORTH (CONT’D)
Since you’re so fond of doing your
own thing, you can stand in front
of the room for the entire class
and show off your poor appearance.


I did not like the above. You do such a fine job of eloquently establishing the tortuous world that the boy lives in. The scene with the father and the other kids were perfect. Here I think you are hitting us over the head with it. Don't let the teacher into the underbelly of the bullying culture. He can be unsympathetic to the boy's plight or even oblivious - but he shouldn't be an engineer of it - a bully himself.


Quoted Text
CAROL
You know what I mean. You ridicule
anything normal.

Devin slams his locker shut.

DEVIN
Carol, from the time we’re born,
our freedom disappears. They’ve got
it all laid out for us: do this, do
that, go to school, obey the rules,
get married, have kids, vote this
way, buy that and die.


A little too over the top for me and I thought you lost Devin's voice a little here. It sounded more like a speech then it did a teenagers dialogue. I think you need more subtlety here. Something like:

[quote]CAROL
You know what I mean. You ridicule
anything normal.

Devin slams his locker shut.

DEVIN
Because I'm not normal.

Anyway - just great writing, dude. Much talent here.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006