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Some great feedback. It really opens your eyes. Very much appreciated.
-------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text She snaps her head sideways, stares at a photo of her and ... INT. TRUCK - MOVING – DAY ... MARC POWELL (32), sports black shades, taps the steering wheel. He cranks up a radio and howls the lyrics.
The photos described earlier were of two girls. It was not clear to me that one or either of them were Amber and the way this is written it makes it sound like a photo or her and Mark – again, that was not in the scene. After reading the script, I think you just need to write she stares at the photo of the two girls.
To me the first BEDROOM/TRUCK unnecessarily interrupts what is a very dramatic and tense scene with Amber. I would not to this. I would pick up Mark and the truck when he first appears outside her window.
And... this is a good place for back story. Having Marc getting flowers really tells us little other than he is bringing these two Amber. I would rather have him at work so we know what he does. Maybe talking to a co-worker about his future plans, etc.
*** MY ANSWER *** Good points. There are two photos. One on the dresser (two girls) and one on a sidetable (Amber/Marc). I used the photo of Amber and Marc as a transition to Marc, but didn't really state/show where the photo was located. Needs clarification.
I also agree with the Intercut, it distracts more than adding to the scenes.
I'll think about adding more back story to Marc. I didn't want him to get too exposed, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text CAPTAIN GOLDMAN Schedule him for a few sessions. We’ll recap over breakfast.
The line didn’t make sense to me. He’s going to have a couple of sessions but Dinah’s going to give a recap over breakfast. Is there enough time for several sessions between now and breakfast?
*** NY ANSWER *** This was interesting to me how you interpreted the dialogue. Sessions are not happening the same day, maybe once a week, maybe twice a week. Dinah and Captain Goldman do breakfast/recap whenever Marc has had a session. Again some more clarification might be needed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text EXT. FOUR-WAY INTERSECTION - DAY The police car pulls out into oncoming traffic, screeches to a halt in the middle of the junction.....
IMO, this scene was (a) not needed and (b) a tension breaker. You’r ramping up the tension nicely with the Amber killing, Marc in therapy etc – I don’t see the need for a comedic break here with the Grandma
*** MY ANSWER *** My thinking of putting this scene into the script was about power/control, it was not suppose to be comedic. Rick shuts down an entire intersection, just to help Grandma crossing the street. Rick is all about power/control, he abuses his power, King of the hill. He doesn't really give a shit about Grandma, but the side effect is, wow, what a nice cop. I see your point, so I might remove the entire scene. It might not convey what I was hoping it would.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text INT. HEALTHCARE CENTER - HALLWAY – DAY Scratches around the door lock to “Suite 400.” Wood splinters on the floor.
Do we ever get back to this. Someone obviously broke in. What does Dinah do? Nothing from what I can tell. Why wouldn't she - her office is broken into. The reaction is not normal nor is the break in ever really followed up on.
*** MY ANSWER *** With her "involvment" with Amber, holding on to Marc's revolver and Captain Goldman's threat of an office search warrant and a subpoena, Dinah doesn't want to pursue the "break-in" any further. It needs a rewrite/restructuring with more details, but no investigation. Swept under the rug.
------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text Kenzie spins with coffee in hand, no lid. Bullseye. Eric grimaces, covers his groin with one hand. KENZIE Oh my God. Kenzie dumps the coffee cup, empties a napkin holder. She drops to her knees, fans the napkins, blows on his groin.
One those unneeded comedic moments, IMO. We're just out of a gruesome murder. IT derails the tone.
*** MY ANSWER *** Agree - removed.
----------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text ERIC You lost some money. Eric hands Kenzie the money, rubs his crotch. Still on her knees, Kenzie gawks at Eric.
What money? It was not clear to me. Did Kenzie drop some?
*** MY ANSWER *** Yes, a few lines above at the condiments counter, when Kenzie pulls her phone from her pocket, she drops money, but this entire scene will be removed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text KENZIE How about your credentials? CAPTAIN WILKINS Special Agent Wolfe carries no credentials. Please, take a seat
What agent doesn't carry credentials? Besides, it's not needed anyway. Really doesn’t add anything. What this does to readers is give them a WTF moment. He doesn't carry credentials and Kenzie is okay with that?
*** MY ANSWER *** Yeah, poor wording. I'll see what I do, remove it or reword it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text KENZIE Yeah, I recognized the photo on her lap. It was taken days before we got separated at the orphanage. Never saw her again. Kenzie touches the photo. KENZIE Didn’t even know her name.
If this is true (never saw her again – didn’t know her name) , how did Kenzie know that it was Amber that got killed ?? – i.e., assuming that is why she called the police.
*** MY ANSWER *** Maybe a little bit of a stretch, but Kenzie had the same identical photo (from the orphanage), so most likely the person holding the photo is Amber. At least that's what Kenzie thought, that's why she came to town to find out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text CAPTAIN WILKINS Identical twin.
They were not labeled as such in the original photo and would have not Kenzie noticed that?. I mean they are identical – there is a picture of them – but the Captain is not bothered by the fact that they are identical and Kenzie did not figure out it was her sister from the photo? Didn't make sense to me.
*** MY ANSWER *** I purposedly made the girls look different in the photo (clothes/shades/hair-style/color) so they could not be recognized as twins. The reason for Kenzie getting involved as an informant/"bait" is because Amber and Kenzie are identical twins. Risky, yes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Quoted Text Captain Wilkins hands Eric the envelope and a set of keys.
- Did you mean hand to Eric or to Kenzie. - I forgot all about the envelope and had to go to the top of the scene to see where it came from (the purse). Why not just have her pull it out of her purse right here – would be clearer.
I’m on page 23 where Dinah is having breakfast with Wilkins. So, she had one session (not several as indicated earlier) and is lasted a few minutes (as opposed to a profile). Does not make sense to me that she could have developed anything meaningful in that one session. And there is the matter of her office which appeared to have been broken into on page 2 – this has not been followed up on nor raised as a concern by Dinah.
Quoted Text INT. COTTAGE - KITCHEN - DAY Eric hands the envelope to Captain Wilkins, turns to Kenzie
.This is really confusing me. In the prior scene – Wilkins hands the envelope to Eric. Eric is now handing it back to Wilkins. What am I missing?
*** MY ANSWER *** The envelope was handed back to Captain Wilkins after we get back from the scene with Captain Goldman and Dinah having a bite to eat. My thinking was that Kenzie had to sign some papers, so when the envelope gets back to Captain Wilkins, all papers are signed. I could clarify this by having Kenzie sign the last piece of paper, then the envelope goes back to Captain Wilkins. Captain Goldman had breakfast/lunch with Dinah, not Captain Wilkins. We don't really know how many sessions Marc had, he was signed up for a few, but how many before he got slaughtered we don't know, and do we really need to know? I didn't mean to convey that the first session lasted just a few minutes just because I switched to a different scene.
*** MY NASWER *** *** Kenzie's butterfly tat - agree, will be removed, the scene that is.
*** MY ANSWER *** I wasn't able to copy your reply from the Taproom scene, page 45, here's my answer. We're still in SOCAL. Rick and Tony are on their way to pick up the guys to go to Vegas. Rick and Tony stop by the taproom for a couple of drinks and to see big tit Nikki. Kenzie helps out. Rick never had an erotic encounter with Amber. She performed at his 40th, that's it. The traffic stop earlier was all bogus. Rick needed to check out Kenzie. Remember, his eyes popped at the Stakeout Shack when he saw Kenzie.
*** MY ANSWER *** I wasn't able to copy your reply page 72 at Arthur's place with Rick/Tony/Misty. I'm replacing this scene. Curious, what didi you visualize after reading the scene?
*** MY ANSWER *** I was not able to copy your reply page 78, Kenzie picking up the photo. Yeah, after reading this passage, the hand is gone, kind of silly writing. When Kenzie finds the photo, she's curious, so she taps the laptop to see if maybe there is something more on the laptop. She can't access, password protected. Again, Some more clarification needed.
---------------------------------------------------------------- Quoted Text Captain Goldman paces towards Dinah, unbuckles the ball gag. DINAH Thank you.
The dialogue is a little pedestrian/polite given her predicament
*** MY ANSWER *** *** Agree, that dialogue isn't gonna win any Oscars.
Lots of great feedback. Definitely need to wrap some scenes with more meat. Arthur will be gone, no purpose in the script. I don't want to spoon-feed the audience/reader, but it has to be clear, not confusing.
Keep in mind that this is an undercover operation and I want Kenzie as an informant/bait to go about her daily life as "normal" as can be, so some shift in tone is necessary. I didn't want this script to be a typical crime scene type investigation.
Thanks a million for all your input, Dave. Very helpful. You certainly know your stuff. I got some work to do.
I'll be the first to admit that thrillers -- particularly violent ones such as this -- aren't my cinematic cup of tea, but all things considered, this was a good, smooth read, with the twists and turns one would expect from this genre. I see you've apparently done numerous revisions with your script, as I have with mine.
Is "Kenzie Heart" her real name? "Heart" sounds contrived, as if it was a stage name. and might make her character seem less believable. (It's her twin sister who's the stripper, right?) I might change "Heart" to "Hart," which could lessen any doubt among script readers.
This was an ambitious effort balancing multiple characters and plotlines. Right off the bat, I can tell you I wasn't crazy about the overall story and felt it was a missed opportunity in a lot of ways. The basic framework is here. A murder mystery blending sex, multiple red herrings and characters of different worlds and backgrounds crossing paths. All the workings of a modern film noir.
With the character of Dinah, the therapist, I see a woman who is trapped between the truth and her loyalty to the police department. Her sexuality comes into play as she first meets Kenzie and her obvious obsession with her sister Amber is apparent right away. This could have been a super twisting did she or didn't she type of story where we constantly question her involvement with Amber and/or her murder.
But we seem to jump back and forth between her and Eric, never developing either relationship to its fullest extent. There's no real reason to like, dislike, trust or distrust or side with either one of them and that element of mystery got lost as we jumped between them and our dirty cops. I feel like there should've been more nail biting moments in this that led us down certain paths. Maybe, at one point we really dislike Eric and all the evidence points at him. Or vice versa with Dinah. Then you have Goldman and Wilkins who all but disappear for most of the story.
The opening sequence with Mark and Amber was a bit confusing with multiple door handles turning and Marc entering and leaving various rooms. Lots of back and forth here which made your descriptions seem repetitive and unclear as to where Marc was coming and going.
I didn't like Goldman's gruff reaction to Dinah's asking about Marc leaving a suicide note. She's a therapist. It's her job to be concerned for her patients. I'd do a rewrite on this scene. Goldman should be much sharper here and play it as if he's just as surprised about his suicide. Make it so he's not outright announcing his involvement. Make it so we may actually believe his total innocence.
I was thrown a bit when Kenzie acted surprised about being Amber's twin. When she mentioned being separated at the orphanage I assumed them being sisters was already known. It's a bit hard to believe she wouldn't remember Amber being her twin. I did find Kenzie's dream sequence about Amber's murder very confusing and had to re read your descriptions several times to envision the scene.
I liked how Eric got Kenzie to check out the rental house. Good lead in to our introductory scene with Captain Wilkins. This was a good way to get all three of them in a room together.
So now Kenzie is going undercover and working for Hawke and Wilkins. I didn't quite understand how Kenzie was supposed to automatically bait Dinah at the restaurant. I suppose Dinah's obsession with Amber was enough reason to drive her into the identical sister's life? But we won't know about this obsession until the third act. Until that point, this seemed unclear to me. I needed more of a motivation for Dinah.
Nobody ever bothers to ask Kenzie "Do you have a twin sister? Like the one that was just killed." This is a sexually sadistic and unusual killing that would make national headlines. An identical sister popping up in town would be a major story and would be hard to conceal in casual conversation.
Tony and Rick are supposed to be these dirty cops, and, according to your logline, I expected a much deeper and more complicated web of corruption and scandal. They basically come off as sick assholes who treat women like shit, pull people over at will and act like pricks. No drugs, illegal informants, hush money, etc. What they are is obvious. Red herrings in our story. The obvious suspects in Amber's sexually sadistic murder. Because of this, we never actually believe they are guilty.
As a major and obvious fan of bad cops and stories of corruption, I was eager to jump into this script. I figured they would dig deeper into an interdepartmental type scandal with Captain Goldman at the helm but the focus was more on Dinah and Kenzie's relationship which made her the most obvious suspect. I nailed her as the killer after their first sexual encounter.
Goldman all but disappears from the story if only for a couple of key scenes. Tony and Rick aren't quite dirty enough to warrant an investigation into their lives and their loyalty to Goldman is never really established. Unless I missed it. Eric and Wilkins claim a dirty department but they never seemed to divulge how, why and when they were dirty or how the FBI has become involved in the goings on of this department.
In the rewrite, if you're doing one in the future, I'd play up the sexual chemistry between Dinah and Kenzie. Perhaps, Dinah could come off more as someone fighting her lesbian and sexual fantasies. Someone who is ashamed of herself and her most secret, inner most thoughts. Make full use of multiple red herrings and treat all of your characters as possible suspects. But definitely, Dinah should be your lead.
Who exactly are Eric Hawke and Captain Wilkins? They just show up in Kenzie's life out of the blue and can they be trusted? If I were you, I'd really play up the sexual angle with not just Kenzie and Dinah, but all of your characters. The sexual act surrounding this murder is shameful and can ruin careers. Including Dinah. I would give all your characters a sexually sketchy past which could connect them to the crime.
If you haven't seen it, you should see Whispers in the Dark with Annabella Sciorra, John Leguizamo, Danile Travanti, Alan Alda. This reminded me so much of that movie with the lead character who is a psychologist struggling with her own sexuality during a murder investigation. Which also was influenced by Dressed To Kill with Michael Caine. Or even Basic Instinct. It's a formula and framework that has always worked. I thought these films made great use of that mystery angle that I thought was lacking in your script.
The Good --
I did enjoy your colorful use of descriptions and action was well written. Nice formatting for the most part but I did struggle with your dialogue in places. I really feel the sexual tension between your characters could make for a really interesting and intriguing murder mystery thriller. I would go back and play this up as much as possible in the rewrite. Make sex and power drive each of your characters until we are confused as to who our killer really is. As it stands now, Dinah seems like the only real suspect.
I hope this helped. I've been out of the script review thing for years and am very rusty. It is noteworthy that I made it through your script in one sitting and was never bored. The elements and characters are here. But, in my opinion (for what that's worth) this needs serious reworking and a more constant theme that will keep each of your characters connected throughout.
Thanks a bunch for your review. You got some excellent points and I didn't really plan on doing any more rewrites, but I think I will. Already have a dozen new scenes in mind and revamp some of the old stuff with a different angle on the entire story. Clarifications lack throughout, but I'll keep the core of the story, add a lot more spice to it. should be a lot of fun.
The only connection Kenzie had to Amber was that photo of the two of them, 4 years old, no name, nothing else, at 4 years old, you don't really remember too much. The police posted a crappy photo of Amber (short dark hair, but with the photo of the two 4 year old girls), that's what stuck in Kenzie's mind when she was dreaming/nightmare. Amber was dying, Kenzie could do nothing to save her. The dream was to introduce Kenzie.
I guess Kenzie was more bait than an informant.
In your review, you struggled with some of the dialogue. Can you give me a couple of examples of dialogue that didn't really work for you or you struggled with?. Is it not clear, on the nose, not natural, cheesy..? That would really help me.
As you noted, early on you picked Dinah as the killer, true, but she was A killer. Who killed Marc? Curious, didn't see that in your feedback, you might know, but didn't mentioned it.
CAPTAIN WILKINS Captain Lauren Wilkins, FBI. You’ve met Special Agent Eric Hawke.
Now that's interesting.
The following is a listing of the rank structure found within the FBI (in ascending order):
Field Agents New Agent Trainee Special Agent Senior Special Agent Supervisory Special Agent Assistant Special Agent-in-Charge (ASAC) Special Agent-in-Charge (SAC)
FBI Management Deputy Assistant Director Assistant Director Associate Executive Assistant Director Executive Assistant Director Associate Deputy Director Deputy Chief of Staff Chief of Staff and Special Counsel to the Director Deputy Director Director
Thanks a bunch for your review. You got some excellent points and I didn't really plan on doing any more rewrites, but I think I will. Already have a dozen new scenes in mind and revamp some of the old stuff with a different angle on the entire story. Clarifications lack throughout, but I'll keep the core of the story, add a lot more spice to it. should be a lot of fun.
The only connection Kenzie had to Amber was that photo of the two of them, 4 years old, no name, nothing else, at 4 years old, you don't really remember too much. The police posted a crappy photo of Amber (short dark hair, but with the photo of the two 4 year old girls), that's what stuck in Kenzie's mind when she was dreaming/nightmare. Amber was dying, Kenzie could do nothing to save her. The dream was to introduce Kenzie.
I guess Kenzie was more bait than an informant.
In your review, you struggled with some of the dialogue. Can you give me a couple of examples of dialogue that didn't really work for you or you struggled with?. Is it not clear, on the nose, not natural, cheesy..? That would really help me.
As you noted, early on you picked Dinah as the killer, true, but she was A killer. Who killed Marc? Curious, didn't see that in your feedback, you might know, but didn't mentioned it.
Thanks again. Really appreciate it.
Frank
example of some diag
I can't pinpoint specifics that threw me off but can only say I wanted more subtext and a constant underlying theme that pushes dialogue between various characters. The agent, the psychologist, the police captain, Wilkins, Kenzie, the two cops. There should be a much clearer connection between these characters that keeps us interested and turning pages. In other words, dialogue that keeps the element of mystery going and keeps us wondering who these people are, what they want and where they are coming from. I just couldn't get invested in what was coming out of anyone's mouth as a lot of it seemed perfunctory.
The opening murder scene suggests this will be a story about sexual sadism. It's essentially a mystery that needs to be solved by the visiting FBI via Kenzie's help. A sexual relationship is suggested between Kenzie and Dinah and your two cops are hanging out at titty bars and view women as sex objects. But neither "sex angle" is built to its fullest potential. There's little to no mystery to keep us involved in guessing who the killers are. Not just Amber but Marc as well.
I understand that Goldman had Marc killed and that the Feds were actually interested in solving both murders. Two birds with one stone. I just didn't care when Dinah was revealed as Amber's killer because there wasn't enough of a guessing game throughout the script. You didn't make full use of your supporting characters. Just a minor suggestion toward the end of the second act that made Eric the prime suspect.
You have two dirty cops who need to be much dirtier, much more complex and have much more to do in this story than written. As it stands now, they are obvious red herrings because of their treatment and disregard of women. But are they sadistic and violent by nature? What are they doing in this story that suggests they are guilty of Amber's murder? I guess I missed this part.
I think it would be a great idea to do an outline of all your characters. Give them a background and character bio. Give them all something dark in their pasts that would suggest they are capable of a sadistic type murder. If you were to rewrite this, I would give all your characters more to do to keep the mystery as strong as it can be.
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