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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Bleed My Soul Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 28th, 2017, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bleed My Soul by Robert Chipman & Sean Chipman - Thriller - A broken-down ex-cop is called back in when an alleged child killer claims to know the whereabouts of his missing son. Facing down the possibility of knowing the truth about his child, the cop takes extreme measures as the past comes back to haunt him. 92 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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TimC
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Sounds interesting.

Link to the script is not working.


My screenplays:

Hell To Pay (thriller)

Killer Crocs (working title / work in progress)
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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First of all, a big shout to Don for getting this out so quickly.

This is a rather strange hybrid script my brother and I worked on. He came up with the original idea and wrote one draft of the script. I used the blueprint to, then, write my own draft (what you're reading here).

Hopefully you guys like it if you take a look. =)


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Don
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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The link is fixed.

- Don



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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The link is fixed.

- Don



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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GM
Posted: March 10th, 2018, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

Spoilers!

My thoughts in no discernible order:

Good job in keeping this focus on one setting.

I find Curtis interesting especially with the tattoos on his body.

What was the point in having Asher toying with Sam if he didn't do it? I believe you were trying something new since you wanted to get away from the old cliche of killer vs cop but this approach didn't work for me. Asher is an interesting character with his supernatural abilities but why have him there besides having the story move along?  

For the main star, Sam is an inactive character in this except for the last quarter of the script. He watches and waits. I wonder if it would it be possible for have Sam to have learned secretly that the cops have Asher and fight to try to get in there? Make him do some illegal stuff like what Curtis does to get Asher.

You know, as I write this now, why not combine Curtis and Sam together? lol. This has a Memento/The Traveler (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1533084/) feel.  

Unfortunately, the side characters didn't interest me much except for Alan with his backstory.

That's it for my review. You just need a couple of tweaks especially with Sam and then you'll have another great film under your belt.

Hope this helps,
Gabe






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khamanna
Posted: March 10th, 2018, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Sean. I left you feedback in the PM (3 of them). Where are you these days...
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: March 10th, 2018, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the review, Gabe. I don't know if you happened to read what I posted up right after the script was uploaded, but this was basically an experiment between my brother and I. We both liked the idea he originally came up with, but we felt differently about the direction the script should go in. We were both in agreement that Asher should not have been the one that killed Sam's son, but where we split was Asher's motivations. My brother wanted a more natural version of a villain toying with a police officer while I was more in favor of a supernatural version of John Kramer. Anyway, long story short, he wrote the script over a period of 12 days and I did a page 1 rewrite in 2 days. If there's a reason why the script feels rushed and unfocused, that's it. Lol.


Quoted from GM
I find Curtis interesting especially with the tattoos on his body.


Curtis was a divisive character. My brother had the FBI character, but he was more of a domineering hard-ass than a psychopath. I scaled him back for the script because, while my brother somewhat liked the new version of the character, he didn't quite like him for this script.


Quoted from GM
What was the point in having Asher toying with Sam if he didn't do it? I believe you were trying something new since you wanted to get away from the old cliche of killer vs cop but this approach didn't work for me. Asher is an interesting character with his supernatural abilities but why have him there besides having the story move along?


Another thing my brother and I disagreed on. As I noted above, we differed on Asher's actual purpose in the story. My brother wanted Asher to be the cat, toying with mice and slowly killing them all off. I liked the idea of Asher gathering together all these people who had done something wrong and giving them a chance to redeem themselves. Neither of us ended up satisfied when the middle-of-the-road choice was taken.


Quoted from GM
For the main star, Sam is an inactive character in this except for the last quarter of the script. He watches and waits. I wonder if it would it be possible for have Sam to have learned secretly that the cops have Asher and fight to try to get in there? Make him do some illegal stuff like what Curtis does to get Asher.


We are planning out a true page 1 rewrite right now where Sam is going to truly take center stage in a standoff against Asher. Downside is, what we're currently planning on will remove most of the supernatural element from the script, so it's hard to say how much we're gaining when we're going to be losing quite a bit.


Quoted from GM
You know, as I write this now, why not combine Curtis and Sam together? lol. This has a Memento/The Traveler (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1533084/) feel.


Nope. Curtis is Curtis, but Sam will be going through some changes. It's not decided yet, whether or not Curtis will even be in the next draft of the script.


Quoted from khamanna
Hey, Sean. I left you feedback in the PM (3 of them). Where are you these days...


Yes, Khamanna, I'm sorry. Since the power outage, I've been really trying to play catch-up with the site and a few other things going on. However, I have the free time to finally check out your notes. =)


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GM
Posted: March 10th, 2018, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

Totally understand about trying something out. Like the lottery, it's either a hit or miss. And just know it's one person's opinion. Not sure what the others have said. At least you got to finish something. I'm still trying to finish my script. lol. Can't wait for the revised version.

Gabe



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