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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Dark World Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dark World  (currently 5248 views)
eldave1
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Warren - wanted to get back to you quick as I am going to be away from computer till late tomorrow.

I am going to give you a detailed response to the points you raised later - I think from a quick review I concur with at least half of them - maybe more. Regardless - I want to hash them out in detail and will get back to you for sure.

In terms of the rest of the review - I think from a detailed issue I can use what you pointed out and where I agree apply it to the rest of the script so don't want you to go through the work of detailing them out - Am looking for comments regarding pace, plot points, characters, etc - so broad based views would be helpful. i.s., I know I have some clean up to do but would like to get a sense of whether the story is compelling - worth pursuing, etc

Really appreciate the efforts friend - will get back to you late tomorrow



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not a problem, will mean I finish it a lot quicker. Really looking forward to where this is going.


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BSaunders
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Ah, David, I've been looking forward to this since you mentioned it.

I've done a fair bit of reading tonight and my eyes are bitching it, but I'll get onto this tomorrow.
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Warren
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Dave,

All done.

SPOILERS

So first up I'd be lying if I said the logline grabbed me. It's well written and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but when I saw virtual reality I though... oh this is going to be a tough one to get though just because it's not my kind of thing.

But, this was a great read, well rounded characters, an intricate, well thought through story that makes sense, lots of tension and suspense. I agree that this is more of a thriller than a drama, it's edge of your seat stuff.

I really liked the relationship between Marquis and Holland.

Initially I thought it was Eddy, then when you mentioned the PTSD and around the page 50 mark I was sure it was Marquis and I thought I still had 70 pages of a predictable story to read but that clearly wasn’t the case.

I mentioned it before but there is a lot of that double speak, maybe it's used to define a character but it does get a bit annoying.

There are some typos, I didn’t take notes as requested but somewhere there in a ") )" and a ", , ".

I’m not a happy ending person so the last line was just a bit too much for me and so Hollywood, and they lived happily ever after.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest but I felt the ending as a whole could have packed a bit more punch. It felt a little too easy, and although I know Isaac's demise ties perfectly into the story, I'd have liked to see a bit more, I don’t know, action? Tension? Something, I don’t know. Be good to hear others thoughts.

All in all, if you didn’t change a thing I still say this was a fantastic read, well written and for the large page count it flies by. Some Formatting choices I wasn’t a fan of which I mentioned in my other post but they are a matter of personal preference and don’t really affect the read.

Congrats on another Page finalist


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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Not a problem, will mean I finish it a lot quicker. Really looking forward to where this is going.


Okay - back on computer. In response to your notes so far.


Quoted Text
Something does seem right here. Just "Making his way out of the crowd"?


I was okay with that vs. the – but you did highlight some inefficient writing. Am changing it to:
“Special Agent MARQUIS ADAMS (45), African-American, well dressed, buttoned down, wire rimmed glasses leaves the group.”
Saves me an entire line – thanks.

It's my understanding that O.C. is generally used for television and sitcoms where O.S. is for film. Not a big deal either way, everyone knows what you mean. Just pointing it out.


Quoted Text
You are correct. I’ve changed this throughout.



Quoted Text
Dialogue on page 3 - 5 felt a bit forced, just the explanation of the VR, how it works, and where to get it. Not sure how you could get the point across any better but it just felt unnatural.


Noted. Right now I’m happy with it – I think I need that explanation. Will give it another look though.


Quoted Text
Probably for a good reason later, but would anyone really do this
?

Nobody normal.  Marquis would not have this guy’s number or ask for it. I wanted Eddy to seem a little desperate for a friend. i.e., the purpose of the unusual behavior.  I am okay with it as is.


Quoted Text
Interested to know why you would change between the two (O.S. Vs O.C.)? Typo maybe?

Looked through the script again – I have these issues throughout – thanks. Have fixed.



Quoted Text
are moving in


Thanks – corrected.


Quoted Text
Any particular reason Alyssa is in caps here? She has already been introduced.


Thanks – corrected.


Quoted Text
Over writing for the sake of it. Steps behind JANET.


I like this one as is.


Quoted Text
Not sure the phone to his ear is required.


I like this one as is.

Quoted Text

I'm going for an early call on Eddy being the killer.


You would not be the first one - but, are you right???


Quoted Text
What purpose does this ellipse serve before the dialogue? I'm not sure how this would read.


Arrrgh. Sloppy on my part. When I draft I put them in front of sentences I want to re-review later and then key word search on … - except I forgot to get rid of them. You’ll see about 30 of these. Now fixed. Thanks.


Quoted Text
As an FBI agent wouldn’t he have seen a lot worse? And what he has seen hasn’t really been that bad, has it?

Don’t agree here. He’s commenting in terms of seeing it in a entertainment game. E.g., a Cop might see all kinds of horrific things in real life and still be disgusted that someone would put them in a game.


Quoted Text
Just something I noticed but not really a massive issue, you do a bit of this word repetition. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Okay, okay. I mention it only because 17 pages in and I noticed it.

I like it – seems natural to me. Not a good sign that it is noticeable though so will certainly take another look.


Quoted Text
When I go through my work I generally find that the word "just" is rarely needed but for some reason it creeps in a lot. You have two in this bit of dialogue. I think it reads better without and still makes the same point.

Agree – one just just deleted.


Quoted Text
I fell like there needs to be a comma after SCREAM.


It’s correct as is.


Quoted Text
I usually never use names that end in s for this reason because I don’t quite understand the rule. Shouldn’t this be Ereboses or Erebos'? Some sort of ownership of the wings.

Should be Erebos’. – Thanks – corrected.


Quoted Text
I’m not sure how to comment on this, but the virtual world allows you a lot of freedom with scene locations. You change scenes several times under the slug VIRTUAL REALITY - DARK WORLD. Will this pose some sort of problem if this were to go into production?

The million dollar question for me. In my first draft I used slugs within the Dark World and it read confusing as hell. i.e., already bouncing back and forth between VR and Real World and scenes with the VR really made it confusing. I know how I handled it is technically wrong, but it reads better. I’m still debating on what to do.


Quoted Text
A few 'we do this, we do that' creeping in.


Noted – will check them out. Generally I want to avoid this.


Quoted Text
Again both of these are V.O.'s what distinction are you making between them?


A mistake. I think they should both be VO. Thanks. PS – I think I made this type of error many times – I am searching script and fixing them so you will run across them again – I got it though thanks to you note.


Quoted Text
Wouldn’t this be O.S. as Hannah isn’t in the game, she is just off screen?


See above.


Quoted Text
That double speak again. I know people talk like this, but do they really do it that often?


I think they do. At least to my ear. But will look for this type of thing on next run through.


Quoted Text
This is what I was talking about earlier about ownership and names ending with s. Wouldn’t the same rule apply to Erebos?


Yes – should be Erebos’ – thanks.


Quoted Text
It doesn’t really read well when you lead from an unfinished sentence into a full slug. A mini slug it works well and most people do it and so do I but this doesn’t work for me.


Concur – fixed.


Quoted Text
Can probably lose the "He can hear the" part.


Concur – fixed.


Quoted Text
locked and loaded


Fixed.


Quoted Text
Completely a style/artistic thing, but I'm not a fan of seeing this type of thing in a script. One of the recent QC entries had a similar entry and I didn’t like that either. It's almost like you’re telling the director what font to use when they carve the chair. For me personally, it adds nothing to the story


I kind of like it – note – you find more when you get to the poems.  However,  I will more than likely change back to conventional when I get this ready for contests, etc. as although it pleases me – I am sure that others will have issues.

Thanks a ton for the notes so far Warren - very helpful and I was able to use them to correct similar errors later on in the script - hopefully when you read the rest they won't derail the read too much. Thanks a million for taking the time. Much appreciated.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BSaunders
Ah, David, I've been looking forward to this since you mentioned it.

I've done a fair bit of reading tonight and my eyes are bitching it, but I'll get onto this tomorrow.


Thanks - appreciated, buddy


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Hi Dave,

All done.

SPOILERS

So first up I'd be lying if I said the logline grabbed me. It's well written and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, but when I saw virtual reality I though... oh this is going to be a tough one to get though just because it's not my kind of thing.

But, this was a great read, well rounded characters, an intricate, well thought through story that makes sense, lots of tension and suspense. I agree that this is more of a thriller than a drama, it's edge of your seat stuff.

I really liked the relationship between Marquis and Holland.

Initially I thought it was Eddy, then when you mentioned the PTSD and around the page 50 mark I was sure it was Marquis and I thought I still had 70 pages of a predictable story to read but that clearly wasn’t the case.

I mentioned it before but there is a lot of that double speak, maybe it's used to define a character but it does get a bit annoying.

There are some typos, I didn’t take notes as requested but somewhere there in a ") )" and a ", , ".

I’m not a happy ending person so the last line was just a bit too much for me and so Hollywood, and they lived happily ever after.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest but I felt the ending as a whole could have packed a bit more punch. It felt a little too easy, and although I know Isaac's demise ties perfectly into the story, I'd have liked to see a bit more, I don’t know, action? Tension? Something, I don’t know. Be good to hear others thoughts.

All in all, if you didn’t change a thing I still say this was a fantastic read, well written and for the large page count it flies by. Some Formatting choices I wasn’t a fan of which I mentioned in my other post but they are a matter of personal preference and don’t really affect the read.

Congrats on another Page finalist


Thanks a ton Warren - I know it is a lot to slog through a feature and really appreciate your efforts on this one.

I am still playing around with the format/scene headings etc. So I hear you there - just have decided a course yet.

As I mentioned in my prior response to you - the typo notes you had early on enabled me to fix a lot later on.

SPOILER

On the ending. First - I agree. It is the least satisfying part of the story for me. Now, I do like that Marquis tells Isaac to jump and that Isaac feels that this means he has won the game. Better than a stereotypical don't jump.

But the last two pages - any one could have written because they have been written a hundred times. I finally just spit them out after having wracked by brain for the better part of two weeks.

I have one ending where Hannah does suffer brain damage and Marquis quits her job to care for her. One where she dies (Marquis finds out just before he says the word jump) and it ends with Isaac on the pavement. I tossed both of those thinking - no that is not what the reader wants - too much a downer.

So I agree with you and I want a different last two pages. I just have not imagined what they should be yet.  Hoping that it just comes to me.

Thanks again - make sure to hit me up if you ever need a read.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Being the downer that I am, I think hearing that Hannah died just before he tells him to jump would be great. I also think it gives that last scene a more sombre feel, things aren’t perfect but they are potentially looking up in some way.

I think you have read everything I've ever written so all good as this point, but thanks.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Being the downer that I am, I think hearing that Hannah died just before he tells him to jump would be great. I also think it gives that last scene a more sombre feel, things aren’t perfect but they are potentially looking up in some way.

I think you have read everything I've ever written so all good as this point, but thanks.

All the best.


Thanks much, Warren


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dave, I'm travelling right now, so will be reading this without taking notes and writing from my phone. I'm actually on p28.
You got my interest going, I surely want to know what it's about.
The only thing - at the beginning I was not so invested, the beginning was a bit sudden. I wish I got to know more about Marquis. Like his trip to his son's grave is well ahead. At first you show him learning his present and I wasn't in. The story picked up my interest only when I read about Malcolm and it's only on p7. Then I see he hasn't visited the cemetery for good 5 years (smth like that) and I get curious to see why. But you dropped the subject.

So, up to the point when he learns that it's the same Janet the story doesn't hold my attention that much. When you showed it's the same girl my attention sky-rocketed immediately.
I'm also not excited about a scene with two detectives I don't know about, talking to each other (Sanchez and Holland). It disrupts the flow for me. And I didn't listen to them that much. I won't recognize them when I see them again.

I'm definitely reading, very curious to see where it's going!
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Warren
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted Text
Like his trip to his son's grave is well ahead. At first you show him learning his present and I wasn't in. The story picked up my interest only when I read about Malcolm


Malcolm isn’t his son, it's his brother. It's quite clear from what is written on the grave stone.


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khamanna
Posted: August 29th, 2017, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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It says "loving son and brother" but the years should have told me he was Marquis' brother - you're right. It's just later on we were introduced to Hannah and that's when I subconsiously took him for Marquis' son.
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eldave1
Posted: August 30th, 2017, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Hey Dave, I'm travelling right now, so will be reading this without taking notes and writing from my phone. I'm actually on p28.
You got my interest going, I surely want to know what it's about.
The only thing - at the beginning I was not so invested, the beginning was a bit sudden. I wish I got to know more about Marquis. Like his trip to his son's grave is well ahead. At first you show him learning his present and I wasn't in. The story picked up my interest only when I read about Malcolm and it's only on p7. Then I see he hasn't visited the cemetery for good 5 years (smth like that) and I get curious to see why. But you dropped the subject.

So, up to the point when he learns that it's the same Janet the story doesn't hold my attention that much. When you showed it's the same girl my attention sky-rocketed immediately.
I'm also not excited about a scene with two detectives I don't know about, talking to each other (Sanchez and Holland). It disrupts the flow for me. And I didn't listen to them that much. I won't recognize them when I see them again.

I'm definitely reading, very curious to see where it's going!


Thanks, Khamanna: Look forward to your thoughts (PS - Malcolm is his brother).


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BSaunders
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Emailed you my thoughts, Dave
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khamanna
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey again, Dave. I'm almost over and have things to tell you but it just will take me time to write it from my phone, so I'll do it some other day.

The only thing I wanted to say immediately is - this is very original, and maybe you better package it and start submitting as is. It's just if no one touched that angle maybe it's better if you were first. Well maybe change a bit at the beginning and make us wonder what kind of person Marquis is and what he wants. Instead of the long talk on the device with Eddy.
I have plenty of other thoughts but it's very well developped and a very captivating read. Plus it is overly original and the prop you chose is at the hype now. I'm just thinking you'll be the first which is a huge plus. Also it's a pretty great script as is - I'm sure you know.
One other thing I would say - I got surprised when Alicia got the murderer and thought he got Hannah right away. But I suppose possible if it was them three (judge her and the other guy as main perpatrators - Isaac's father's enemies I mean) still could be tweaked perhaps. Few other things but I think a producer might not think them and come up with a different list for you.
I'll tell you later anyway, but I'm tginking you better act with this right away.

Oh and about the prop - as you were wondering if the formatting was clear - It was all clear as day for me and very visual.
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