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Hey again, Dave. I'm almost over and have things to tell you but it just will take me time to write it from my phone, so I'll do it some other day.
The only thing I wanted to say immediately is - this is very original, and maybe you better package it and start submitting as is. It's just if no one touched that angle maybe it's better if you were first. Well maybe change a bit at the beginning and make us wonder what kind of person Marquis is and what he wants. Instead of the long talk on the device with Eddy. I have plenty of other thoughts but it's very well developped and a very captivating read. Plus it is overly original and the prop you chose is at the hype now. I'm just thinking you'll be the first which is a huge plus. Also it's a pretty great script as is - I'm sure you know. One other thing I would say - I got surprised when Alicia got the murderer and thought he got Hannah right away. But I suppose possible if it was them three (judge her and the other guy as main perpatrators - Isaac's father's enemies I mean) still could be tweaked perhaps. Few other things but I think a producer might not think them and come up with a different list for you. I'll tell you later anyway, but I'm tginking you better act with this right away.
Oh and about the prop - as you were wondering if the formatting was clear - It was all clear as day for me and very visual.
Khamanna - thanks so much for the read and for posting your thoughts. Truly appreciated. Job 1 on for me on this was to see if I got make the shifts from real world to dark world clear and am delighted that you found it clear. Thanks again.
Just a bump for now, but I've been reading Dark World and find it most enjoyable. I hope to post a review on the first 10-15 pages tonight. As for reading, I'm on page 40.
Just a bump for now, but I've been reading Dark World and find it most enjoyable. I hope to post a review on the first 10-15 pages tonight. As for reading, I'm on page 40.
Sorry for the delay, Dave. I ended up working till 3 am. and was useless thereafter. I’ll try to get through the first 15 pages quickly, before I go back to work.
On your title page, you don’t need a colon after the by(, before your name.
P 1 — Works for me. Nice setup. You use the word “large” twice in one sentence, describing the flag and the pole. You probably don’t need both. First interior scene gets us in ‘late’ and ‘out’ early. Nice. You introduce 3 characters, all ethnic: African American, Vietnamese and Hispanic. A real All-American cast, ha ha. Maybe you can mention how many people are at the gathering.
When Marquis goes to his office and ‘reads’ the gift tag, is that an insert or is he reading to himself? Not a big deal.
Didn’t care for his “what” or “really”? dialogue/reaction to the gift. Maybe go with his expression: Surprised, puzzled, pleased, etc.
MY INITIAL THOUGHT: The gift was from his wife of girlfriend. But his reaction was not met with a ‘smile,’ so I thought either an office gift exchange or perhaps something ominous.
On page 2, Marquis pops his head out of his office and sees Eddy. Instead of the word “sees” can you use a stronger verb. Maybe ‘observes’ or something in keeping with his nature, his job. I mention this because in that brief instant, he is sizing up the situation — that Eddy is on the outside looking in (at the party). No friends. Lonely. The Christmas season.
How far is Eddy’s office from Marquis’? Instead of just calling out to Eddy, do you think Marquis might walk to the IT guy? Not a big deal on the surface, but it would say something about Marquis’ character. That he (instinctively) is trying to bridge a gap that likely exists between most people and Eddy. Just a thought.
GOING back to Marquis’ office.
Does Eddy have any chutzpah? If he does, he might be sarcastic here and say something about being off the clock. Or that he has his own party to get to. This would let Marquis know that Eddy has his pride. Or, maybe Eddy is a milquetoast. A guy who accepts his role of being ignored, overlooked. A pseudo-Bobby Gold type (‘Homicide’ by Mamet), who is willing to be the first guy through the door, because it is expected. And that he has little worth. Whatever is fine with me. Just trying to get a grasp on who Eddy is at this very early stage of the script.
BTW, I do not suspect Eddy to be the antagonist. It would be too obvious. He’s creepy, he’s an outcast, and he’s a tech geek, but that could have its virtues in this story. I am hoping that he becomes an ally, a guy with a skill and a desire to help out a ‘friend’ — Marquis.
In the office, Eddy shares his knowledge of VR. A necessary scene, but it kind of feels tacked on to the previous scene. Which makes it feel forced or rushed. Or maybe it’s one long scene, which needs separation. Some breathing room. Suggestion: How about a new location for the VR scene? Just my take.
At some point, I’d enjoy seeing Marquis treat Eddy with respect. Maybe they talk over pizza and beer. Doesn’t necessarily have to be now.
If you stay with the office scene on pages 3 to 6.5, maybe consider leaving the Dark World ap for a bit later.
I wondered why there was no curiosity as to who delivered the package. Marquis never inquired — unless I missed it. When he saw Eddy looking glum as the office party was in swing, I thought initially that Marquis was going to inquire about anybody lurking the corridors. Afterall, if Eddy didn’t give the gift, he might surely have seen who did. That ran through my mind… and more on this later.
P 6 — I see you are introducing Isaac. A janitor. But from his actions, he seems to have an attitude. He tosses the Christmas card without looking inside? Something’s up. We’ll see...
P7 — Cemetery scene. This scene again feels like it's there for the sake of the movie. I'm sure you have an organic reason for this, but just a gut on my part that it feels off. Not sure about that bit of dialogue, "It should have been me." More on this sibling thing later.
Abe - thanks for the read so far and the comments. Sorry you're working so much.
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P 1 — Works for me. Nice setup. You use the word “large” twice in one sentence, describing the flag and the pole. You probably don’t need both.
Good catch - thanks.
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First interior scene gets us in ‘late’ and ‘out’ early. Nice. You introduce 3 characters, all ethnic: African American, Vietnamese and Hispanic. A real All-American cast, ha ha. Maybe you can mention how many people are at the gathering.
Nice suggestion - made it forty or so.
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When Marquis goes to his office and ‘reads’ the gift tag, is that an insert or is he reading to himself? Not a big deal.
One I can let the Director figure out I think.
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Didn’t care for his “what” or “really”? dialogue/reaction to the gift. Maybe go with his expression: Surprised, puzzled, pleased, etc.
Puzzled is good.
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MY INITIAL THOUGHT: The gift was from his wife of girlfriend. But his reaction was not met with a ‘smile,’ so I thought either an office gift exchange or perhaps something ominous.
I think the secret Santa works as a clarification. It is a common office tradition.
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On page 2, Marquis pops his head out of his office and sees Eddy. Instead of the word “sees” can you use a stronger verb. Maybe ‘observes’ or something in keeping with his nature, his job.I mention this because in that brief instant, he is sizing up the situation — that Eddy is on the outside looking in (at the party). No friends. Lonely. The Christmas season.
Actually it says he spots Eddy. I like at as is - he was searching for someone and spots them.
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How far is Eddy’s office from Marquis’? Instead of just calling out to Eddy, do you think Marquis might walk to the IT guy? Not a big deal on the surface, but it would say something about Marquis’ character. That he (instinctively) is trying to bridge a gap that likely exists between most people and Eddy. Just a thought.
I'm okay with what I got here. He wants Eddy to see what's in the office - wouldn't really walk over there and then walk back.
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Does Eddy have any chutzpah? If he does, he might be sarcastic here and say something about being off the clock. Or that he has his own party to get to. This would let Marquis know that Eddy has his pride. Or, maybe Eddy is a milquetoast. A guy who accepts his role of being ignored, overlooked. A pseudo-Bobby Gold type (‘Homicide’ by Mamet), who is willing to be the first guy through the door, because it is expected. And that he has little worth. Whatever is fine with me. Just trying to get a grasp on who Eddy is at this very early stage of the script.
Eddy is a nerd - socially awkward and a bit out of place in a world with FBI Agents. He finds more comfort in the things he can control and understand (computers, etc) than he is with people.
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BTW, I do not suspect Eddy to be the antagonist. It would be too obvious. He’s creepy, he’s an outcast, and he’s a tech geek, but that could have its virtues in this story. I am hoping that he becomes an ally, a guy with a skill and a desire to help out a ‘friend’ — Marquis.
We'll see
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In the office, Eddy shares his knowledge of VR. A necessary scene, but it kind of feels tacked on to the previous scene. Which makes it feel forced or rushed. Or maybe it’s one long scene, which needs separation. Some breathing room. Suggestion: How about a new location for the VR scene? Just my take.
I'm okay as is - I need to explain how this stuff works as it as the foundation for a lot of things that happen later.
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At some point, I’d enjoy seeing Marquis treat Eddy with respect. Maybe they talk over pizza and beer. Doesn’t necessarily have to be now.
There is a moment later
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If you stay with the office scene on pages 3 to 6.5, maybe consider leaving the Dark World ap for a bit later.
I'm okay with it as is
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I wondered why there was no curiosity as to who delivered the package. Marquis never inquired — unless I missed it. When he saw Eddy looking glum as the office party was in swing, I thought initially that Marquis was going to inquire about anybody lurking the corridors. Afterall, if Eddy didn’t give the gift, he might surely have seen who did. That ran through my mind… and more on this later.
It's a Secret Santa - a common anonymous gift giving activity that many businesses engage in around Christmas (just a random name drawing thing)
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P7 — Cemetery scene. This scene again feels like it's there for the sake of the movie. I'm sure you have an organic reason for this, but just a gut on my part that it feels off. Not sure about that bit of dialogue, "It should have been me." More on this sibling thing later.
It is foundational to stuff that happens later on.
Abe - thanks again for the read and the comments - appreciate your efforts
I've only been reading scripts on this website for less than a month, and so far this writer stands out with this flowing, entertaining thriller. If you're an inexperienced writer like myself, I recommend you read the whole script. You won't be disappointed.
I've only been reading scripts on this website for less than a month, and so far this writer stands out with this flowing, entertaining thriller. If you're an inexperienced writer like myself, I recommend you read the whole script. You won't be disappointed.
Thanks much, Daniel - appreciate the read and glad you liked it.
By page 10 you do a nice job of setting up Marquis’ life style, his family and his nature. His wife is a professional with a real life and Hannah is off to college.
The wife and daughter are familiar characters, and the relationships are not unique. That’s not bad, just a mention.
Some good details, such as the HS grad photo of Hannah. You’re planting a lot of seeds that give us meaning, and possibly could be revisited later.
I’d like to see where this relationship between Marquis and his brother takes us. I sense his guilt in Malcolm’s death, but there has been an absence since visiting his brother’s grave. Wondering what has triggered this reconnection. Time of the season? The holidays is generally “family” time, so need explanation needed.
By page 12, Marquis gets an alert from DW. Good, we’re back into the heart of story. We meet Erebos. A little confusion at top of Page 13, when Marquis jumps back — in the real world. I guess Marquis is still in the VR world. Ah, we meet the woman in collar and chains. She looks ‘real.’ Good of you to mention the differences.
I like that Erebos has introduced the victim with the cryptic challenge to Marquis, ‘will you save her?’ And Erebos speaks Marquis’ name – Excellent choice. Making this more than just a game. It’s personal.
Now the race is on. I like where this is going. Singling out one character, who is virtually alone in his quest — at this point — helps your script to rise above the usual.
Okay, Marquis is concerned. Calls Eddy on the phone. Hmm, sure would like to see Marquis discussing this situation with Eddy in person. At Eddy’s Tech Pad?
I guess you have your reason(s) for keeping this conversation via a phone.
Marquis is ticked off. Disgusted, perplexed, definitely put off by the visual of this VR world. Especially with such a Human-life victim in Janet.
Eddy has a key bit of dialogue that I asked regarding how Marquis’ name being incorporated into the ‘game.’ EDDY: Maybe whoever bought it for you did.
Good point. So, wouldn’t Marquis make the identity of his Secret Santa one of his priorities? Aren’t there security cameras in the Fed building? If not now, maybe later, Marquis will be all over the security footage to learn the ID of his Secret Santa. Just mentioning, as it could be coming.
Kind of funny at the bottom of P 16, with Marquis issuing a warning to Hannah abut “steering clear” of the VR. If it’s not dating, booze, drugs and staying on a college campus, let’s add VR to that growing list of a father’s list of concerns. Ha, I love it. Marquis is a very protective dad, as are most.
Top of Page 17. Uh-oh, the dreaded ‘rolling of the eyes.’
LAPD and the missing girl. Kind of reminds me of ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ the high-profile daughter being abducted. Not a bad thing at all. Oh, two new Fed agents: Stevenson and Goodwell. Ha, what a pair — prune face and redheaded pale boy. Let’s see if they are more competent than their physical descriptions. And not to forget, Director Davis. She seems more professional. Is she friend or foe? Time will tell.
By P 19, we have an alert of Janet Evers gone missing. Marquis is reacting to the mention of her name. What if he sees the photo first? And maybe for a split second can’t quite place Janet. Never mind. I see you have your reasons for delaying the photo, which builds tension.
P 21 back in VR. Erebos laying down some rules. Lots of screaming in the b.g. Eerie world indeed. I like it. P 22 — We are lead down a narrow corridor…uh, the verb is led. P 23 — Alright (all right) is actually two separate words. But few know that. And most could care less. Alright, enough of that. Off to save Janet.
So far, the pacing is great, characters have some meat to them, tension is taut, I like the VR world and Erebos is mysterious and pleasantly evil.
— Sept. 17 -- I have actually read the entire script by now. I’m just putting out my reactions to the first 23 pages. On the next round, I’ll address the script in its entirety.
By page 10 you do a nice job of setting up Marquis’ life style, his family and his nature. His wife is a professional with a real life and Hannah is off to college.
The wife and daughter are familiar characters, and the relationships are not unique. That’s not bad, just a mention.
Some good details, such as the HS grad photo of Hannah. You’re planting a lot of seeds that give us meaning, and possibly could be revisited later.
I’d like to see where this relationship between Marquis and his brother takes us. I sense his guilt in Malcolm’s death, but there has been an absence since visiting his brother’s grave. Wondering what has triggered this reconnection. Time of the season? The holidays is generally “family” time, so need explanation needed.
By page 12, Marquis gets an alert from DW. Good, we’re back into the heart of story. We meet Erebos. A little confusion at top of Page 13, when Marquis jumps back — in the real world. I guess Marquis is still in the VR world. Ah, we meet the woman in collar and chains. She looks ‘real.’ Good of you to mention the differences.
I like that Erebos has introduced the victim with the cryptic challenge to Marquis, ‘will you save her?’ And Erebos speaks Marquis’ name – Excellent choice. Making this more than just a game. It’s personal.
Now the race is on. I like where this is going. Singling out one character, who is virtually alone in his quest — at this point — helps your script to rise above the usual.
Okay, Marquis is concerned. Calls Eddy on the phone. Hmm, sure would like to see Marquis discussing this situation with Eddy in person. At Eddy’s Tech Pad?
I guess you have your reason(s) for keeping this conversation via a phone.
Marquis is ticked off. Disgusted, perplexed, definitely put off by the visual of this VR world. Especially with such a Human-life victim in Janet.
Eddy has a key bit of dialogue that I asked regarding how Marquis’ name being incorporated into the ‘game.’ EDDY: Maybe whoever bought it for you did.
Good point. So, wouldn’t Marquis make the identity of his Secret Santa one of his priorities? Aren’t there security cameras in the Fed building? If not now, maybe later, Marquis will be all over the security footage to learn the ID of his Secret Santa. Just mentioning, as it could be coming.
Kind of funny at the bottom of P 16, with Marquis issuing a warning to Hannah abut “steering clear” of the VR. If it’s not dating, booze, drugs and staying on a college campus, let’s add VR to that growing list of a father’s list of concerns. Ha, I love it. Marquis is a very protective dad, as are most.
Top of Page 17. Uh-oh, the dreaded ‘rolling of the eyes.’
LAPD and the missing girl. Kind of reminds me of ‘Silence of the Lambs,’ the high-profile daughter being abducted. Not a bad thing at all. Oh, two new Fed agents: Stevenson and Goodwell. Ha, what a pair — prune face and redheaded pale boy. Let’s see if they are more competent than their physical descriptions. And not to forget, Director Davis. She seems more professional. Is she friend or foe? Time will tell.
By P 19, we have an alert of Janet Evers gone missing. Marquis is reacting to the mention of her name. What if he sees the photo first? And maybe for a split second can’t quite place Janet. Never mind. I see you have your reasons for delaying the photo, which builds tension.
P 21 back in VR. Erebos laying down some rules. Lots of screaming in the b.g. Eerie world indeed. I like it. P 22 — We are lead down a narrow corridor…uh, the verb is led. P 23 — Alright (all right) is actually two separate words. But few know that. And most could care less. Alright, enough of that. Off to save Janet.
So far, the pacing is great, characters have some meat to them, tension is taut, I like the VR world and Erebos is mysterious and pleasantly evil.
— Sept. 17 -- I have actually read the entire script by now. I’m just putting out my reactions to the first 23 pages. On the next round, I’ll address the script in its entirety.
Thanks for the notes, Abe. Appreciated. Great catch on led/alright. Amazing how many times I can look at something and miss it. Look forward to your impression of the story.
Hey there. Good job. I read the whole thing. It's similar in structure and tone to one of mine so i found it extra interesting.
Won't bother with nitpicks but one thing really bothered me. When they had people check the VR gear out i assumed that would include his phone. It is immediately obvious that it would be the app - if anything - causing this shit. Just checking the VR headset is like someone checking the monitor but not the computer. So when your protag said 'i can't believe we missed it' i was already way ahead of him.
Sorry to focus on that one point but it bugged me and there will be an easy fix.
One other thing that i think will enhance this is character introductions. Unless appearances are particularly important - a little more depth about who these people are would be good. But that's a style thing and we all have our own so feel free to give the the finger there.
Hey there. Good job. I read the whole thing. It's similar in structure and tone to one of mine so i found it extra interesting.
Won't bother with nitpicks but one thing really bothered me. When they had people check the VR gear out i assumed that would include his phone. It is immediately obvious that it would be the app - if anything - causing this shit. Just checking the VR headset is like someone checking the monitor but not the computer. So when your protag said 'i can't believe we missed it' i was already way ahead of him.
Sorry to focus on that one point but it bugged me and there will be an easy fix.
One other thing that i think will enhance this is character introductions. Unless appearances are particularly important - a little more depth about who these people are would be good. But that's a style thing and we all have our own so feel free to give the the finger there.
But all in all solid plot, structure and pace.
Alex: Thanks much for the read and comments - appreciated.
Agree with you on the checking the phone APP - was trying to delay that and hoping that Davis actually looking at the APP through the headset and seeing just the game would help with the logic there - I think you are the 3rd person to have mentioned this so it is a problem to be fixed.
I'll take another look at the character descriptions.
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