Simon: Thoughts on the first few pages - just my opinion.
- The character descriptions are real thin (just the age) - this is your protag and her best friend give us a little more.
- Intro your characters in order of action - it helps the readers. e.g., this:
stands at the counter with LOTTIE, (30). Laura
is watching her chosen clothes been carefully folded and
placed into paper bags.
The young girl CASHIER, (1
gestures to the screen that
shows a grand total of $550 to be paid.
Is an easier read as:
stands at the counter, watches a young female CASHIER carefully fold Laura's purchased clothes and place them in a bag.
LOTTIE, (30), stands next to Laura...
The description/action lines are a bit tedious and as a result the action drags- Laura does this, Laura does that over and over. Look for a chance to shake them up a bit. An example:
Laura takes the card back from the cashier and hands her
Her hand trembles as Laura hands the cashier another card...
Not exactly that - but the point being - change it up a bit to keep the reader engaged.
Ransom Payback - Simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk
I wouldn't put this on top of every page
Best of luck