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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Ransom Payback Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Ransom Payback by Simon Parker - Thriller - Panic Room meets Speed. Living in the shadow of her wealthy husband, Laura now kidnapped and trapped in the back of a van must fight for her freedom. 98 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Simon: Thoughts on the first few pages - just my opinion.

- The character descriptions are real thin (just the age) - this is your protag and her best friend give us a little more.

- Intro your characters in order of action - it helps the readers. e.g., this:


Quoted Text
LAURA, (2 stands at the counter with LOTTIE, (30). Laura
is watching her chosen clothes been carefully folded and
placed into paper bags.

The young girl CASHIER, (1 gestures to the screen that
shows a grand total of $550 to be paid.


Is an easier read as:

LAURA, (2 stands at the counter, watches a young female CASHIER carefully fold Laura's purchased clothes and place them in a bag.

LOTTIE, (30), stands next to  Laura...

The description/action lines are a bit tedious and as a result the action drags- Laura does this, Laura does that over and over. Look for a chance to shake them up a bit.  An example:


Quoted Text
Laura takes the card back from the cashier and hands her
another.


Could be:

Her hand trembles as Laura hands the cashier another card...

Not exactly that - but the point being - change it up a bit to keep the reader engaged.


Quoted Text
Ransom Payback - Simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk


I wouldn't put this on top of every page

Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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