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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Noise Complaint Moderators: bert
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  Author    Noise Complaint  (currently 1214 views)
Don
Posted: April 29th, 2018, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Noise Complaint by Chris Shamburger - Thriller - Recovering from the death of his partner, a man moves into a new apartment to start his life over, only to become the dangerous obsession of the teenage boy living above him. 89 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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Jack
Posted: April 29th, 2018, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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I just perused the first five or so pages and some nice descriptions.  
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Sham
Posted: April 29th, 2018, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jack, thanks for checking out the first few pages. Would love to hear your thoughts on the rest.

Let me know if there's something of yours I can read in exchange.

Chris


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_ghostwriter
Posted: May 4th, 2018, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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@Sham

Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say).

I stopped at page 24.

You seem to have a good balance of dialogue and description which makes for an easier read.

I think your character work is good and I "got" Kaden entirely.   Him having difficulty getting over losing his partner.  I felt all of Kaden's actions felt human.

But - in my grain of salt opinion -- the story itself ... I liked the setup, it is an interesting flip-flop on a familiar concept, I'll give you that.  It's certainly a brave undertaking...

My quibble so far; I'm not thrilled yet.  I often write in this genre, and I know it pretty well, so I'm thinking you've gone the slow-burn thriller route.

I'll finish as time (work) allows...

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
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eldave1
Posted: May 4th, 2018, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Chris - read ten pages - sorry short on time.

Anyway - thought it was really well crafted. I like your style.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Sham
Posted: May 5th, 2018, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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@_ghostwriter -

Thanks for checking out the first 24 pages. Glad you appreciated the characters and felt a connection with Kaden. The story is a slow-burner at first, but I think by the end of the first act it picks up pretty quickly and becomes a sprint to the finish line. Would love to hear your thoughts on the rest. Thanks again.

@eldave1 -

Thank you for your comment on the first 10 pages. I know how important they are and I'm glad they weren't offputting.


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_ghostwriter
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sham
The story is a slow-burner at first, but I think by the end of the first act it picks up pretty quickly and becomes a sprint to the finish line. Would love to hear your thoughts on the rest.


At page 33.  Indeed it has picked up.  So far every scene seems to matter, advance the story, reveal something, etc... Otherwise, I'm looking forward to seeing where this one goes...

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
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LC
Posted: May 7th, 2018, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Chris, I'm up to page 36 so far. Very nice indeed. Self assured very pro writing, great easy dialogue, and a real page turner at this point.

I had no idea what an auto belay was - thought perhaps it was a typo for 'delay'. I know nothing about indoor rockclimbing.

'Auto belay failure' came up straight away with an Int search. Apparently not so uncommon. Bit scary.

I will make one comment so far with regard to that earlier Montage. Not strictly a montage. No music overlay, character growth or story development. It's just compression of time Series Of Shots imho. Not a big deal, and debatable.

Reading on...  


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_ghostwriter
Posted: May 10th, 2018, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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@Sham

I had some time to kill so I picked up where I left off.  JMHO, can one nitpick, yes, but I'm not one to nitpick over minute details.  Can one talk about bigger issues of story,  I don't think so, not without reading the rest of the script.   And I have...

You've got a lot of moving parts here, but let me say I was able to visualize the scenes and characters, and could easily follow what was happening.

I always write my notes using shorthand, give me a day or two to decipher them, then I'll post.

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
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Sham
Posted: May 11th, 2018, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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@LC

Thanks for giving this one a chance. I appreciate your comments.

I agree the montage is mostly there to show the passage of time, but it does come into play later on.

@_ghostwriter

So glad you came back to finish the script! Glad you didn't find any major issues with the story. As you said, there are a lot of moving parts, and without making myself sound too lame and procrastinatory, it took me almost two years to map it all out. I look forward to your full thoughts!


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LC
Posted: May 11th, 2018, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Chris, I'm finished as well and will post further comments too, very soon.


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_ghostwriter
Posted: May 15th, 2018, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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@Sham

Let me preface by saying... It's an entertaining read, the writing is fun, and fits the tone of the script, and flows nicely.

                                                 SHAWN
                            I told you it took me awhile to figure things out.


Just firing off a few nuts-and-bolts comments.

It's a vulnerable time for Kaden, having just lost his partner (Cole) to what looks like an accident, but as we will come to find out... there's more here than meets the eye.  Kaden is a nurse.   He moves into a new apartment, and oh, has a handsome, highly distracting neighbor... Trevor.  

Trevor seems nice enough at first.  But while Kaden might like him initially, Kaden knows any sort of interlude with Trevor would be wrong on every conceivable level.  He's all of sixteen, after all.  And having sex with Trevor is almost guaranteed to get him put in jail.  

Everyone makes good and bad choices. But some are bigger than others.  Especially when you make one with a handsome but seriously psychopathic neighbor.

POSITIVE ELEMENTS

Kaden not taking the bait and rejecting him.   Which I suspected he would do. His lingering love for his partner Cole...while admirable, at some point... people need to turn the page.   The love interest in his life (Shawn).  By the way, who has a son Dillon.

Just some.

SEXUAL CONTENT

Unbeknownst to Kaden, Trevor clandestine records his sexual encounter with Kaden one night, of course, it's implied he gives Kaden oral sex, tastefully done by the way.  but let's face it, it's a rape scene, and Trevor uses it later to try and blackmail Kaden.

Some light kissing and a couple of double entendres and sexual allusions are thrown around. Outside that, it's very minimal.

VIOLENT CONTENT

Trevor attacks Kaden's father (David), nearly beating him to death with a lacrosse stick.  Assaults Shawn with a hunting knife & kidnaps him for the final showdown.  (Jonathan treyker) the property manager is killed, although we never see it, but it became evident to me early on that he was dead... which was later confirmed when they fished his body out of the Chattahoochee River.  And of course, the final confrontation between Kaden and Trevor.

CRUDE OR PROFANE LANGUAGE

Outside "I'm sorry I didn't fuck you!"  Very minimal crudities.

DRUG AND ALCOHOL CONTENT

Kaden and other's drink wine.  I believe.

OTHER ELEMENTS

Helen & Sterling added some interesting wrinkles.

Kaden spends a huge amount of time and energy trying to keep this from the police.  It's not like he had consensual sex withTrevor.  He rejected all of Trevor's advances.  Trevor was stalking him and trying to kill people close to him, and doing a pretty good job... if I may add.   Some would say it's ludicrous not to go to the police.  And I'm one of them.  but...one can also understand Kaden's reasoning for not going to the police.  And as I look back in hindsight, it fits your story, and what you were aiming for, and it works as is.

If who've seen enough movies, there's minor flaws with the majority fo them, and somehow most of the movies seem to work with them.  

Honestly, I can't really say your script lacked originality.  You put a new spin on this stalking/fatal attraction genre... It's usually a man stalking a woman or vice versa.  And a woman who stalks another woman, but never this... not that I can recall.  But some parts were a little cliche and formulaic.

The following is more stream-of-consciouness than well-thought-out, take with the requisite grains of salt...

For example; Kaden at Shawn's home.  In Dillon's room, the sex tape playing, him pulling out the flash drive in a nick of time before Shawn walks in.  The "Boy Next Door" comes to mind.  Unbeknownst to Claire, Noah records their sexual session and later prints hundreds of pictures of them (plastered in her classroom).  He's taken other clandestine photos (and video) of her as well, eventually using them to blackmail her... Not knocking it,  a degree of familiarity is a great tool.  It's how you use it.  I still enjoyed the scene.  

Nothing happened that I didn't expect until... I ran into a buzz saw, the second half of your script.  I love a good twist, and you had more than your fair share, and I enjoyed everyone.  Heck, you even had a nice little surprise at the end.

Everything comes full circle.  One of my favorite scenes... when we find ourselves back with the rock climbing... where it all began.  Brilliant and befitting.  In hindsight, I should have seen it coming, but didn't.

Yet... I can't nail down exactly what's bothering me.  I'll take a few days to mull it over.

Okay, bullet-proof vest off now.  I've ceased fire.

All this considered there are a plethora of positives.  The truth is... I couldn't find any major flaw with your story.  But I reserve the right to change my mind.  The dialogue is movie realistic and nicely succinct which all contributes to the pace.  It's well-crafted, well written with enough white space.  You have command over your script, your skill is evident throughout.   Anyone can see that, even a blind man...if read to him/her.

I'm not one to nitpick over minute details.  What I've learned, a lot of those criticisms are things that are finessed in development.  The goal is to communicate your skill to a reader in the position to buy your work or hire you for an assignment.   And you've done that.  JMHO.

But I still think this script is a roll of the dice, JMHO.  Forgive my errors, it's late where I am...

Ghostie





THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller

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_ghostwriter  -  May 16th, 2018, 5:14am
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Sham
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@LC

Great! I look forward to your feedback.

@Ghostie

Thanks for sticking with this and providing such a great set of notes for me. I really appreciate the (as you called them) "nut and bolt" comments. They gave me an idea of what was working as the script went along.

I can understand the frustration about Kaden not calling the police. I deliberately tried to keep the police out of this as much as possible, mostly because I feel like they never do anything in these types of movies anyway (raise your hand if you've watched a thriller where the cops don't believe someone, or need more evidence, or end up becoming a victim). So to me, the challenge was creating a scenario that was intense, uncomfortable, and worrying for the main character, but not to the point that it necessitated getting the authorities involved right away. I wanted to keep it as contained as possible.

I also agree, this is definitely a formulaic "blank from hell" thriller, but with a few surprises, as you discovered later in the script. I feel like if I tried to do too much that was "new" and exciting right away, the surprises in the second half wouldn't be as impactful. I'm so glad they worked for you.

I wouldn't say this is the first "gay" thriller between two guys, but it might be the first one that never actually uses the word gay, or any variation of it.


Quoted Text
Yet... I can't nail down exactly what's bothering me.  I'll take a few days to mull it over.

Okay, bullet-proof vest off now.  I've ceased fire.

I'm so thankful you left this comment because I feel exactly the same way, and I'm hoping posting the script here will bring a solution. I've had a few people email me their thoughts on how to fix it, and this is what jumped out at me most:

There needs to be more of the Paige character, especially since she's completely absent for the second half of the script and Kaden would surely call her on the phone about current events, even if it's just to vent his frustration.

There needs to be another possible reason for the property manager's disappearance. This would get Kaden off the hook for not calling the police with what he knows. (This would also mean taking down the "missing person" flier at the Marta station). Maybe the manager's gone fishing? Trip to Vegas? Just some sort of alternative to make everyone go, "Maybe it's not as suspicious as it seems..."


Quoted Text
All this considered there are a plethora of positives.  The truth is... I couldn't find any major flaw with your story.  But I reserve the right to change my mind.  The dialogue is movie realistic and nicely succinct which all contributes to the pace.  It's well-crafted, well written with enough white space.  You have command over your script, your skill is evident throughout.   Anyone can see that, even a blind man...if read to him/her.

I'm not one to nitpick over minute details.  What I've learned, a lot of those criticisms are things that are finessed in development.  The goal is to communicate your skill to a reader in the position to buy your work or hire you for an assignment.   And you've done that.  JMHO.

Thank you so much for this, and all of your comments. I agree, a lot of things with this script can probably be finessed in the developmental stages, but if I can tackle them beforehand, I'm ready to step onto the field.


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Warren
Posted: May 24th, 2018, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Chris,

Personally I like to turn the character CONT'D off, just think it looks and reads better.


Quoted Text
FAILING TO CATCH HIM.


I donít think underlining and capitalising this is necessary. We understand the gravity of the situation without it.

Not a fan of the bolded dialogue either.

5 pages in and a lot of your action blocks start with "Kaden", I'd suggest changing up the perceptive from which you are wring every now and then just so that it doesnít read like a list; Kaden does this, Kaden does that etc.

I can see youíre a fan of unfilmables and asides. I donít mind them. Just something to keep in mind with a feature when page count is important, and the more you use the more you pad out your script with things that wonít be on screen.

Not personally a fan of the comic book sound effect e.g: THUMP, BOOM, BOOOOM, but I know a lot of people use them.


Quoted Text
INT. KADENíS APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY


If itís important that itís the next day this would be better written as a super, the way itís written at the moment the audience wonít know this.

Dialogue is really good, some fantastic back and forth.

Stopping at page 35 for now, things are starting to heat up.

The writing is really solid, most of my notes are nit-picks and a few of them are more than likely style choices.

I had planned to read the first 10 but I got willingly dragged along by the story and the craftsmanship of the writing, its reads very fast and smooth.

Will come back and finish this at some point.



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Warren  -  May 24th, 2018, 11:17pm
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Warren
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Hi Chris,

Needed to finish it so I did.

Other than the really nit-picky stuff in my last post, I canít really fault it. You hit all the beats you needed to write a good story, and Kaden had a satisfying character arc.

It's definitely a done theme and story, but yours is unique enough that it doesnít feel stale or overdone.

It's a real page turner. I can't believe how quick I got through it.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.


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