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Noise Complaint by Chris Shamburger - Thriller - Recovering from the death of his partner, a gay man moves into a new apartment to start his life over, only to become the obsession of the disturbed teenage boy living above him. 89 pages - pdf format
Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say).
I stopped at page 24.
You seem to have a good balance of dialogue and description which makes for an easier read.
I think your character work is good and I "got" Kaden entirely. Him having difficulty getting over losing his partner. I felt all of Kaden's actions felt human.
But - in my grain of salt opinion -- the story itself ... I liked the setup, it is an interesting flip-flop on a familiar concept, I'll give you that. It's certainly a brave undertaking...
My quibble so far; I'm not thrilled yet. I often write in this genre, and I know it pretty well, so I'm thinking you've gone the slow-burn thriller route.
Thanks for checking out the first 24 pages. Glad you appreciated the characters and felt a connection with Kaden. The story is a slow-burner at first, but I think by the end of the first act it picks up pretty quickly and becomes a sprint to the finish line. Would love to hear your thoughts on the rest. Thanks again.
@eldave1 -
Thank you for your comment on the first 10 pages. I know how important they are and I'm glad they weren't offputting.
The story is a slow-burner at first, but I think by the end of the first act it picks up pretty quickly and becomes a sprint to the finish line. Would love to hear your thoughts on the rest.
At page 33. Indeed it has picked up. So far every scene seems to matter, advance the story, reveal something, etc... Otherwise, I'm looking forward to seeing where this one goes...
Chris, I'm up to page 36 so far. Very nice indeed. Self assured very pro writing, great easy dialogue, and a real page turner at this point.
I had no idea what an auto belay was - thought perhaps it was a typo for 'delay'. I know nothing about indoor rockclimbing.
'Auto belay failure' came up straight away with an Int search. Apparently not so uncommon. Bit scary.
I will make one comment so far with regard to that earlier Montage. Not strictly a montage. No music overlay, character growth or story development. It's just compression of time Series Of Shots imho. Not a big deal, and debatable.
I had some time to kill so I picked up where I left off. JMHO, can one nitpick, yes, but I'm not one to nitpick over minute details. Can one talk about bigger issues of story, I don't think so, not without reading the rest of the script. And I have...
You've got a lot of moving parts here, but let me say I was able to visualize the scenes and characters, and could easily follow what was happening.
I always write my notes using shorthand, give me a day or two to decipher them, then I'll post.
Thanks for giving this one a chance. I appreciate your comments.
I agree the montage is mostly there to show the passage of time, but it does come into play later on.
@_ghostwriter
So glad you came back to finish the script! Glad you didn't find any major issues with the story. As you said, there are a lot of moving parts, and without making myself sound too lame and procrastinatory, it took me almost two years to map it all out. I look forward to your full thoughts!
Let me preface by saying... It's an entertaining read, the writing is fun, and fits the tone of the script, and flows nicely.
SHAWN I told you it took me awhile to figure things out.
Just firing off a few nuts-and-bolts comments.
It's a vulnerable time for Kaden, having just lost his partner (Cole) to what looks like an accident, but as we will come to find out... there's more here than meets the eye. Kaden is a nurse. He moves into a new apartment, and oh, has a handsome, highly distracting neighbor... Trevor.
Trevor seems nice enough at first. But while Kaden might like him initially, Kaden knows any sort of interlude with Trevor would be wrong on every conceivable level. He's all of sixteen, after all. And having sex with Trevor is almost guaranteed to get him put in jail.
Everyone makes good and bad choices. But some are bigger than others. Especially when you make one with a handsome but seriously psychopathic neighbor.
POSITIVE ELEMENTS
Kaden not taking the bait and rejecting him. Which I suspected he would do. His lingering love for his partner Cole...while admirable, at some point... people need to turn the page. The love interest in his life (Shawn). By the way, who has a son Dillon.
Just some.
SEXUAL CONTENT
Unbeknownst to Kaden, Trevor clandestine records his sexual encounter with Kaden one night, of course, it's implied he gives Kaden oral sex, tastefully done by the way. but let's face it, it's a rape scene, and Trevor uses it later to try and blackmail Kaden.
Some light kissing and a couple of double entendres and sexual allusions are thrown around. Outside that, it's very minimal.
VIOLENT CONTENT
Trevor attacks Kaden's father (David), nearly beating him to death with a lacrosse stick. Assaults Shawn with a hunting knife & kidnaps him for the final showdown. (Jonathan treyker) the property manager is killed, although we never see it, but it became evident to me early on that he was dead... which was later confirmed when they fished his body out of the Chattahoochee River. And of course, the final confrontation between Kaden and Trevor.
CRUDE OR PROFANE LANGUAGE
Outside "I'm sorry I didn't fuck you!" Very minimal crudities.
DRUG AND ALCOHOL CONTENT
Kaden and other's drink wine. I believe.
OTHER ELEMENTS
Helen & Sterling added some interesting wrinkles.
Kaden spends a huge amount of time and energy trying to keep this from the police. It's not like he had consensual sex withTrevor. He rejected all of Trevor's advances. Trevor was stalking him and trying to kill people close to him, and doing a pretty good job... if I may add. Some would say it's ludicrous not to go to the police. And I'm one of them. but...one can also understand Kaden's reasoning for not going to the police. And as I look back in hindsight, it fits your story, and what you were aiming for, and it works as is.
If who've seen enough movies, there's minor flaws with the majority fo them, and somehow most of the movies seem to work with them.
Honestly, I can't really say your script lacked originality. You put a new spin on this stalking/fatal attraction genre... It's usually a man stalking a woman or vice versa. And a woman who stalks another woman, but never this... not that I can recall. But some parts were a little cliche and formulaic.
The following is more stream-of-consciouness than well-thought-out, take with the requisite grains of salt...
For example; Kaden at Shawn's home. In Dillon's room, the sex tape playing, him pulling out the flash drive in a nick of time before Shawn walks in. The "Boy Next Door" comes to mind. Unbeknownst to Claire, Noah records their sexual session and later prints hundreds of pictures of them (plastered in her classroom). He's taken other clandestine photos (and video) of her as well, eventually using them to blackmail her... Not knocking it, a degree of familiarity is a great tool. It's how you use it. I still enjoyed the scene.
Nothing happened that I didn't expect until... I ran into a buzz saw, the second half of your script. I love a good twist, and you had more than your fair share, and I enjoyed everyone. Heck, you even had a nice little surprise at the end.
Everything comes full circle. One of my favorite scenes... when we find ourselves back with the rock climbing... where it all began. Brilliant and befitting. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming, but didn't.
Yet... I can't nail down exactly what's bothering me. I'll take a few days to mull it over.
Okay, bullet-proof vest off now. I've ceased fire.
All this considered there are a plethora of positives. The truth is... I couldn't find any major flaw with your story. But I reserve the right to change my mind. The dialogue is movie realistic and nicely succinct which all contributes to the pace. It's well-crafted, well written with enough white space. You have command over your script, your skill is evident throughout. Anyone can see that, even a blind man...if read to him/her.
I'm not one to nitpick over minute details. What I've learned, a lot of those criticisms are things that are finessed in development. The goal is to communicate your skill to a reader in the position to buy your work or hire you for an assignment. And you've done that. JMHO.
But I still think this script is a roll of the dice, JMHO. Forgive my errors, it's late where I am...
Thanks for sticking with this and providing such a great set of notes for me. I really appreciate the (as you called them) "nut and bolt" comments. They gave me an idea of what was working as the script went along.
I can understand the frustration about Kaden not calling the police. I deliberately tried to keep the police out of this as much as possible, mostly because I feel like they never do anything in these types of movies anyway (raise your hand if you've watched a thriller where the cops don't believe someone, or need more evidence, or end up becoming a victim). So to me, the challenge was creating a scenario that was intense, uncomfortable, and worrying for the main character, but not to the point that it necessitated getting the authorities involved right away. I wanted to keep it as contained as possible.
I also agree, this is definitely a formulaic "blank from hell" thriller, but with a few surprises, as you discovered later in the script. I feel like if I tried to do too much that was "new" and exciting right away, the surprises in the second half wouldn't be as impactful. I'm so glad they worked for you.
I wouldn't say this is the first "gay" thriller between two guys, but it might be the first one that never actually uses the word gay, or any variation of it.
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Yet... I can't nail down exactly what's bothering me. I'll take a few days to mull it over.
Okay, bullet-proof vest off now. I've ceased fire.
I'm so thankful you left this comment because I feel exactly the same way, and I'm hoping posting the script here will bring a solution. I've had a few people email me their thoughts on how to fix it, and this is what jumped out at me most:
There needs to be more of the Paige character, especially since she's completely absent for the second half of the script and Kaden would surely call her on the phone about current events, even if it's just to vent his frustration.
There needs to be another possible reason for the property manager's disappearance. This would get Kaden off the hook for not calling the police with what he knows. (This would also mean taking down the "missing person" flier at the Marta station). Maybe the manager's gone fishing? Trip to Vegas? Just some sort of alternative to make everyone go, "Maybe it's not as suspicious as it seems..."
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All this considered there are a plethora of positives. The truth is... I couldn't find any major flaw with your story. But I reserve the right to change my mind. The dialogue is movie realistic and nicely succinct which all contributes to the pace. It's well-crafted, well written with enough white space. You have command over your script, your skill is evident throughout. Anyone can see that, even a blind man...if read to him/her.
I'm not one to nitpick over minute details. What I've learned, a lot of those criticisms are things that are finessed in development. The goal is to communicate your skill to a reader in the position to buy your work or hire you for an assignment. And you've done that. JMHO.
Thank you so much for this, and all of your comments. I agree, a lot of things with this script can probably be finessed in the developmental stages, but if I can tackle them beforehand, I'm ready to step onto the field.
Personally I like to turn the character CONT'D off, just think it looks and reads better.
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FAILING TO CATCH HIM.
I don’t think underlining and capitalising this is necessary. We understand the gravity of the situation without it.
Not a fan of the bolded dialogue either.
5 pages in and a lot of your action blocks start with "Kaden", I'd suggest changing up the perceptive from which you are wring every now and then just so that it doesn’t read like a list; Kaden does this, Kaden does that etc.
I can see you’re a fan of unfilmables and asides. I don’t mind them. Just something to keep in mind with a feature when page count is important, and the more you use the more you pad out your script with things that won’t be on screen.
Not personally a fan of the comic book sound effect e.g: THUMP, BOOM, BOOOOM, but I know a lot of people use them.
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INT. KADEN’S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY
If it’s important that it’s the next day this would be better written as a super, the way it’s written at the moment the audience won’t know this.
Dialogue is really good, some fantastic back and forth.
Stopping at page 35 for now, things are starting to heat up.
The writing is really solid, most of my notes are nit-picks and a few of them are more than likely style choices.
I had planned to read the first 10 but I got willingly dragged along by the story and the craftsmanship of the writing, its reads very fast and smooth.
Other than the really nit-picky stuff in my last post, I can’t really fault it. You hit all the beats you needed to write a good story, and Kaden had a satisfying character arc.
It's definitely a done theme and story, but yours is unique enough that it doesn’t feel stale or overdone.
It's a real page turner. I can't believe how quick I got through it.
Thanks for checking this out and giving it a full read!
I can see what you mean about the opening pages having too many blocks starting with "Kaden." I was cognizant of this at the time of writing it and tried to space it out as much as I could. Maybe I need to give it another edit.
I appreciate your comments about the style choices: bolded dialogue, sound effects, asides, etc. Also appreciate your catch about "THE NEXT DAY" in the slug. I'll probably just change it to DAY as the timeline would probably work regardless.
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Dialogue is really good, some fantastic back and forth.
Stopping at page 35 for now, things are starting to heat up.
The writing is really solid, most of my notes are nit-picks and a few of them are more than likely style choices.
I had planned to read the first 10 but I got willingly dragged along by the story and the craftsmanship of the writing, its reads very fast and smooth.
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Needed to finish it so I did.
Other than the really nit-picky stuff in my last post, I can�t really fault it. You hit all the beats you needed to write a good story, and Kaden had a satisfying character arc.
It's definitely a done theme and story, but yours is unique enough that it doesn�t feel stale or overdone.
It's a real page turner. I can't believe how quick I got through it.
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
It put a smile on my face reading these wonderful comments. Thank you so much for them. Just a couple years ago, my first feature was lambasted on Scriptshadow for its poor dialogue and lack of characterizations, so I'm really happy to hear those pitfalls haven't carried over into this script.
I know what that feels like to open a script expecting to read just a little bit, and you're nearly halfway finished before you can blink your eyes. That's a really great compliment and I hope that happens for a lot of people.
Thank you again, Warren, and please let me know if there's something of yours you would like me to read in return.
Great intro and setup with action and an 'accident' to begin with. An indoor rock climbing accident is not something we see a lot of, so great job there.
Nice easy dialogue and witty banter, rolling off the tongue (clearly you have a talent for this) and establishing of relationships and estrangements, all in one. Sister, colleagues, new job, creepy neighbour, and Dad.
Further comments as I read -
'Trevor in for 'vitals in room twelve'. No explanation seems to be given for this. He turns up and he's first patient off the blocks. A bit too coincidental imh, that he gets Kaden? Lucky? Some spec reason might have been good.
Good 'running hot' flirting dialogue regardless.
Trevor appearing with bloodied nose to elicit sympathy at Kaden's door – hmm, that could have been the setup for the initial hospital ER visit. More credible, manipulative, and also playing the gay discrimination card which Kaden will no doubt sympathise with.
** Note: Okay, you got me! The real Trevor is revealed at the end? So scrap my previous comment.
The 'playing the ghost' in the Xbox game is really clever. Loved it. Pulls at the heart strings in an original way.
I don’t think I've ever seen a LITTLE LATER slug before. Minutes later, yes, Moments Later, you use further on. No big deal either way.
I guess I’m still getting on my feet. I guess I'm still finding my feet?
SHAWN Here with me?
KADEN Here without him.
Great standout and very moving line.
You write really well and direct scenes inadvertently really well with Trevor’s line O.S. and the Blue Teddy Bear. Blue seems to be a recurring theme.
Moving on –
The writing of Trevor effectively raping Kaden is very well done. Not sure I buy him thinking this is actually Cole though... The magic of movies I suppose, with the scene at the top with Kaden dreaming Cole is there. Trevor’s instant disappearing act that follows? Movie magic again.
As an aside, (and you might not agree with me) but in description (not dialogue) I think you should use the anatomically correct term of 'penis' not dick.
p.41 Wow, that one was like a punch. I really felt it when Stirling (we know it was Trevor) obliterates Cole from the Xbox game. A great well written shock. And Kaden playing the game later, and waiting at the finish line...
Typo: P.41 Mary, If (lower case 'i').
Kaden smiles, looks at Shawn in a way he hasn’t before. Now, I know what you mean here, but you should really elaborate – an admiring glance, renewed respect, surprise.
'Get out of there now!' The suspense always works no matter how many times I see this type of scene – creeping in to find something - as does 'hiding in the closet' not sure where else you can hide, apart from under the bed. Unless you’re Hannibal Lecter hiding in plain sight, or poor Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt) in Burn After Reading.
Good suspense with Kaden putting the phone on silent just in the nick.
p.77 Now I haven’t seen Trevor, and frankly it’s not my job to know the whereabouts of your nephew.
At first that puzzled me until I realised that this is the story Trevor’s been spinning. And you weave the dialogue around Kaden and Helen very well - 'I came up here to talk about your son.’ Effective.
There are two plot points that I'm on the fence about.
The first is: Trevor attacking David, at least at that particular time.
Okay, you can theoretically say David shunned his son in his time of need at the funeral and may appear to be unsupportive of the fact he is gay, but I think at this stage Shawn is the bigger competition for Trevor, at least in the romance stakes. Of course following this scene there is he is at Shawn's place (the door wide open) the lacrosse stick and most important the Teddy bear found in Dillon’s bedroom. That’s all great but David's assault came more out of the blue for me and made me feel there should be more of a catalyst needed for that attack.
By the way does it have to be: sixteen wooden steps? I would think a long flight of steps would do. Being picky.
The other plot point I have trouble with is David taking a moral stand by not attending Cole's funeral. If he loved his son and was accepting of his love for Cole he’d be there, regardless of his principles. He'd go for his son who is bereft and grief stricken. Cole is dead so David is not punishing anyone other than Kaden. Paige tells him their dad didn’t trust himself to not spill the beans about Cole's infidelity? That doesn’t wash with me. If someone I know is married to a low-life alcoholic two-timing wife-beater but they still loved him, I'll still go to the funeral cause I'm supporting them and I won’t be tempted to say what an arse he was. * Just as Kaden says he’s there for Paige (not for David) in the later hospital scene.
I suppose coming up with another reason is not easy.
You could go the standard ‘father wasn’t accepting of his son's lifestyle choice’ but life threatening situation changes all that, but I suspect you may have thought that too clichéd.
A few other observations:
Paige. Not quite enough of her imh. She features as a big support up front but then not so much. Shawn replaces her which is fine but perhaps a couple of phone calls at least re his current problems with his stalker?
The choice to not call the cops on a sixteen year old stalker? Fair enough too, I buy that he might choose not to but I'm going to go for it more and the story could be stronger if Kaden had a compelling reason for not being able to go to the cops. His response to Shawn suggesting it is pretty vehement. Perhaps some indiscretion or problem of his own in his past, or a problem he went to them with before that was met with by some bigoted response?
Does Trevor ramps things up from zero to one hundred in too short a time? Pacing wise it's good but do you think you could add a couple more things that Trevor does, of a minor nuisance or psychologically damaging or manipulative value, before he actually goes to extremes like rape, and subsequent attacks on those nearest and dearest to Kaden. At work perhaps? I mean Trevor is psychotic and narcissistic he would probably act in a calculating and systematic bit by bit way in response to Kaden's initial rejection of him by causing problems in all aspects of his life. Page count could handle a bit more.
The final twist in your denouement indicates clearly Trevor’s been lurking for quite some time and is responsible for Cole’s death but Kaden is oblivious to his presence. All the more reason to include a few more short scenes so that your audience can have an ah-ha moment at the end following that shock revelation. Or even a flashback re Paige and David seeing Cole with Simon. Or is that giving too much away?
Is Simon really Trevor? Still, I'm not sure. If not he should be.
What happened to Kaden's Mum? Not around anymore I assume.
The reason for my nit-picking and wondering if it can be made even better, is because as others have said, it’s so good and you very cleverly put together all the pieces of the jigsaw. A quick read, and an engrossing and effortless in-one-sitting thoroughly enjoyable read.
I just think: What can elevate this from very well written and well done midday-movie to something more?
Fatal Attraction had star power but it also set off some powerful debates despite essentially being a popcorn thriller. Single White Female and The Hand That Rocks The Cradle posed the question of 'who is the stranger I’m unwittingly inviting into my house', and more recently The Gift – ‘who am I inviting back into my life.’
All that said, it's a terrific script as is. Congrats on a fine job.
P.S. You don't have to divulge but I'm curious what script you posted to Scriptshadow. Is it on SS?
So I'm about 20 pages in and I think you have real potential here based on the characters, even though this type of one regretful night / attached stalker material is well-covered territory. So far I like Kaden, Paige and Trevor.
I have 3 major questions though that have lingered in my mind and serve to take me out of the read.
SPOILERS
Cole's death - not sure if it gets addressed down the road, but it seems to me to be a very rare accident, and one that the rock climbing gym would be negligent for. In fact, as it was happening, I thought "oh, someone's trying to kill this guy by sabotaging the rig." Wouldn't Kaden have a case against the company?
Kaden having to move - your plot rests on this action, because otherwise we wouldn't have Trevor. I don't think you addressed the NEED to move. We know Kaden's a nurse; were they living together? Seems so. So are we to infer that Kaden can no longer afford the apartment? I think you assume that we know all these things, however we need to know. Kaden has to be out of other options IMO, including crashing on his sister's couch. You even go so far as to have Kaden move far away enough to need to get a new job, so you imply that his commute is too long. Getting a new job is a big step, and normally one would drive up to an hour to keep a good job that they're happy with. I think you need a montage that explains all this.
Trevor being Kaden's patient - you never say what he came to the hospital for? Wouldn't Kaden's first question to him be "what seems to be the issue?" We get an examination, and some sexy banter, but it doesn't ring true. Unless I missed it.
Oh and please do not be offended, but PLEASE consider changing the title. I know the noise complaint is the inciting incident, but it sounds like a work order. Try to imagine having to market a movie called NOISE COMPLAINT.
Oh, and as a property manager, I can tell you we always show up, and we're on call 24/7... (0:
Would really be interested in reading a future draft because I think you write characters very well.
Ajr, Chris can obviously respond for himself but because I mentioned the same thing re the setup in the hospital scene you really have to read right to the end to see this actually does make sense and that a lot of the pieces of this puzzle have been structured pretty darned well. Also, first day on the job he's just asked to report back with 'vitals'.
I gotta agree that a change of title might be in order - something more appealing. I meant to add that myself, but forgot.
Wow! What a great set of notes you've given me! I can't tell you how valuable they are to me. I appreciate you taking the time to read my script and offer such fantastic feedback.
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You write really well and direct scenes inadvertently really well with Trevor’s line O.S. and the Blue Teddy Bear. Blue seems to be a recurring theme.
I would love to say the blue theme was intentional, but it's only because you said it I even realized it was there. LOL
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As an aside, (and you might not agree with me) but in description (not dialogue) I think you should use the anatomically correct term of 'penis' not dick.
I figured this line would cause a stir, and you're not the first to bring it up. I'm not too committed to it one way or the other, but I do like the shock value of "dick" as opposed to being anatomically correct. I'll think about it.
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There are two plot points that I'm on the fence about.
The first is: Trevor attacking David, at least at that particular time.
Okay, you can theoretically say David shunned his son in his time of need at the funeral and may appear to be unsupportive of the fact he is gay, but I think at this stage Shawn is the bigger competition for Trevor, at least in the romance stakes. Of course following this scene there is he is at Shawn's place (the door wide open) the lacrosse stick and most important the Teddy bear found in Dillon’s bedroom. That’s all great but David's assault came more out of the blue for me and made me feel there should be more of a catalyst needed for that attack.
By the way does it have to be: sixteen wooden steps? I would think a long flight of steps would do. Being picky.
I see your point, and I'll try to explain why that scene happened when it did (with some bonus commentary).
After Trevor tries to get Kaden and his dad talking again, Kaden tells Trevor, "If I don't want somebody in my life, I don't include them. I'm surprised you haven't figured that out yet." So Trevor takes the act of killing Kaden's dad as a moment of redemption for his earlier effort to rekindle their relationship. Simply put, in Trevor's mind, this will put him back on good terms with Kaden. Of course that sounds crazy to a regular person, but for a character like Trevor, it's a motivator. And that's something I tried to do with his character. Every act of mischief, violence, obsession, etc is motivated by his desire to please Kaden. Because in the end, Trevor needs Kaden's acceptance, flaws and all, just like Kaden accepted Cole with all of his.
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The other plot point I have trouble with is David taking a moral stand by not attending Cole's funeral. If he loved his son and was accepting of his love for Cole he’d be there, regardless of his principles. He'd go for his son who is bereft and grief stricken. Cole is dead so David is not punishing anyone other than Kaden. Paige tells him their dad didn’t trust himself to not spill the beans about Cole's infidelity? That doesn’t wash with me. If someone I know is married to a low-life alcoholic two-timing wife-beater but they still loved him, I'll still go to the funeral cause I'm supporting them and I won’t be tempted to say what an arse he was. * Just as Kaden says he’s there for Paige (not for David) in the later hospital scene.
I suppose coming up with another reason is not easy.
You could go the standard ‘father wasn’t accepting of his son's lifestyle choice’ but life threatening situation changes all that, but I suspect you may have thought that too clichéd.
I believe this is going to sit right with some and not with others, and it sounds like you fall into the latter bracket. I respect that, but the great thing about people is that we're all different, and the way we react to unexpected events will be different as well. I personally know someone who would make the same choice Kaden's dad did by not going to the funeral in fear of running their mouth. Is it the right choice? Probably not (and in my eyes, definitely not). But that's why his dad is so adamant about reaching out now and trying to fix the damage he's caused.
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A few other observations:
Paige. Not quite enough of her imh. She features as a big support up front but then not so much. Shawn replaces her which is fine but perhaps a couple of phone calls at least re his current problems with his stalker?
I absolutely 100% agree with this. I love Paige. She's a ton of fun to write, and there's really no reason she shouldn't appear at least once in the second act, especially if she and Kaden are really as close as they appear. I think there also needs to be more at stake at the end, with Paige's safety possibly being at risk. Maybe she took a picture when she saw Cole with that guy? Maybe Trevor knows about it and doesn't want her to share it with Kaden? Whatever the reason, I would love to write a scene with Paige and Trevor interacting.
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The choice to not call the cops on a sixteen year old stalker? Fair enough too, I buy that he might choose not to but I'm going to go for it more and the story could be stronger if Kaden had a compelling reason for not being able to go to the cops. His response to Shawn suggesting it is pretty vehement. Perhaps some indiscretion or problem of his own in his past, or a problem he went to them with before that was met with by some bigoted response?
I really appreciate this comment. Yes, I could probably come up with a more compelling reason for Kaden to be distrustful of police. What if they weren't as helpful to Kaden when Cole died? As another reader suggested, surely there would be an investigation... maybe that investigation was led by somebody who didn't exactly agree with Kaden's "lifestyle"?
Regardless, even just a line like "Call the police? Yeah, they were a big help six months ago" would reveal a lot more to Kaden's mindset than leaving it blank.
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Does Trevor ramps things up from zero to one hundred in too short a time? Pacing wise it's good but do you think you could add a couple more things that Trevor does, of a minor nuisance or psychologically damaging or manipulative value, before he actually goes to extremes like rape, and subsequent attacks on those nearest and dearest to Kaden. At work perhaps? I mean Trevor is psychotic and narcissistic he would probably act in a calculating and systematic bit by bit way in response to Kaden's initial rejection of him by causing problems in all aspects of his life. Page count could handle a bit more.
Another great suggestion. Backtracking for a second, but like I mentioned before, I wanted everything Trevor does to Kaden to feel motivated and true to his character. I can't tell you how much I HATE watching a thriller like this and the "villain" starts to do crazy shit just for the sake of being crazy. No! It has to ring true to what the character is thinking.
I read an article somewhere that said the reason Glenn Close was so receptive to the Alex character in FATAL ATTRACTION was because of her motivation and the way she viewed Alex as a victim and not a villain. I won't say I achieved nearly the same success here, but I really strived to do the same thing with Trevor. He doesn't see himself as an evil person doing bad things. He sees himself doing whatever he has to do to get closer to Kaden.
Point is, while I agree he could probably do more "things" to make the second act even more interesting, they can't just be crazy things for the sake of a cool visual or some added shock value. So your suggestion isn't a bad one -- it's a challenging one!
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Is Simon really Trevor? Still, I'm not sure. If not he should be.
Trevor is really Simon, yes.
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What happened to Kaden's Mum? Not around anymore I assume.
Don't know. Maybe she died right after he graduated high school. I dunno, I didn't feel it necessary to reveal or explain anything about her. I really tried to keep the focus on the guys (I think Paige and Mary are the only females here, and their parts aren't major in any way).
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The reason for my nit-picking and wondering if it can be made even better, is because as others have said, it’s so good and you very cleverly put together all the pieces of the jigsaw. A quick read, and an engrossing and effortless in-one-sitting thoroughly enjoyable read.
I just think: What can elevate this from very well written and well done midday-movie to something more?
Fatal Attraction had star power but it also set off some powerful debates despite essentially being a popcorn thriller. Single White Female and The Hand That Rocks The Cradle posed the question of 'who is the stranger I’m unwittingly inviting into my house', and more recently The Gift – ‘who am I inviting back into my life.’
All that said, it's a terrific script as is. Congrats on a fine job.
Thank you so much for this, and all your wonderful comments. I'm so happy you liked the script!
If you have something you'd like me to read in return, please let me know.
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P.S. You don't have to divulge but I'm curious what script you posted to Scriptshadow. Is it on SS?
^I'm completely gutting this one for a rewrite now. I think only one or two sentences will be carried over from that draft. Everything else -- dialogue, characters, scenes, action, twists -- will be totally new. Hoping to have it finished before the end of this year.
I read an article somewhere that said the reason Glenn Close was so receptive to the Alex character in FATAL ATTRACTION was because of her motivation and the way she viewed Alex as a victim and not a villain. I won't say I achieved nearly the same success here, but I really strived to do the same thing with Trevor. He doesn't see himself as an evil person doing bad things. He sees himself doing whatever he has to do to get closer to Kaden.
Point is, while I agree he could probably do more "things" to make the second act even more interesting, they can't just be crazy things for the sake of a cool visual or some added shock value. So your suggestion isn't a bad one -- it's a challenging one!
Exactly on point. And this is part of the reason FA is not a midday movie. Alex is a human being not a cardboard cut out of crazy - in the beginning, at least. Women could relate to her rejection. I watched it not long ago and recall the line where she says:
"Alex Forrest: Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!
The one-night stand blues. We side with her or at least understand her in the beginning? He's being a prick.
And this one:
"Dan Gallagher: You're so sad. You know that, Alex? Lonely and very sad. Alex Forrest: Don't you ever pity me, you smug bastard. Dan Gallagher: I'll pity you... I'll pity you. I'll pity you because you're sick. Alex Forrest: Why? Because I won't allow you treat me like some slut you can just bang a couple of times and throw in the garbage?
She's primarily looking for love. He used her but she wants respect. She truly believes they had something special and he wants to act like she never existed.
I'd actually suggest you want those more subtle but questionable off kilter things Trevor does to be in the first Act. He's trying to establish a relationship with Kaden first, make him like him. He should seem relatively normal at first. Include some intelligent conversations between them where your audience is sympathetic to him.
Have you seen The Gift? Our allegiance and sympathies vacillate between the two main characters and we're never quite sure which one is the true villain (wronged character) and which one is the victim.
You made me think again re David and the funeral btw. We can't always write a character based on what we would do in a situation.
Anyway, I'll bow out for now and let others weigh in. No need for a return read atm.
Hi AJR! Thanks for checking out the first twenty pages. Glad you responded well to Kaden, Paige, and Trevor.
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I have 3 major questions though that have lingered in my mind and serve to take me out of the read.
SPOILERS
Cole's death - not sure if it gets addressed down the road, but it seems to me to be a very rare accident, and one that the rock climbing gym would be negligent for. In fact, as it was happening, I thought "oh, someone's trying to kill this guy by sabotaging the rig." Wouldn't Kaden have a case against the company?
Kaden having to move - your plot rests on this action, because otherwise we wouldn't have Trevor. I don't think you addressed the NEED to move. We know Kaden's a nurse; were they living together? Seems so. So are we to infer that Kaden can no longer afford the apartment? I think you assume that we know all these things, however we need to know. Kaden has to be out of other options IMO, including crashing on his sister's couch. You even go so far as to have Kaden move far away enough to need to get a new job, so you imply that his commute is too long. Getting a new job is a big step, and normally one would drive up to an hour to keep a good job that they're happy with. I think you need a montage that explains all this.
Trevor being Kaden's patient - you never say what he came to the hospital for? Wouldn't Kaden's first question to him be "what seems to be the issue?" We get an examination, and some sexy banter, but it doesn't ring true. Unless I missed it.
As LC mentioned, I do think most of these concerns are addressed by the time the script is over. As far as Kaden's move to the city... some people just need to start their life over. New home. New job. New life. And that's what Kaden was doing, as the life he had was just a little too painful to remember.
I'm hoping you'll come back to finish the script since you seemed to connect to the characters.
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Oh and please do not be offended, but PLEASE consider changing the title. I know the noise complaint is the inciting incident, but it sounds like a work order. Try to imagine having to market a movie called NOISE COMPLAINT.
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I gotta agree that a change of title might be in order - something more appealing. I meant to add that myself, but forgot.
I'm super bummed to hear this because I actually love the title. LOL I figured if a movie called UNLAWFUL ENTRY could find an audience, then NOISE COMPLAINT could no doubt do the same.
It’s an interesting set up you have. Starting with the dream sequence and then plunging the character into a new environment and almost instantly knocking him off center with this strange neighbour upstairs. I particularly like the characterisation of Trevor who really carries all the intrigue and dramatic weight. Kaden, although still reeling from grief, seems like a well put together guy so Trevor is required to shake up his world and keep him on his toes.
Trevor’s scenes obviously hold the most interest and provide a good counter balance to all the other seemingly “normal” people in the script.
I also appreciate the time you take to establish Kaden’s personal demons, his relationship with Paige and the blossoming one with his new work colleagues.
By the 60 page mark, I'm enjoying the read. It’s moving along at a nice pace. Technically, the writing is clean overall. No issues there.
I just wonder is it too safe. I appreciate you're trying to balance a genuine drama and the exploration of grief with some erotic and thriller elements but at two thirds in it feels like its coasting in 3rd gear.
Of course it all depends on the type of story you are aiming to tell, not every script needs to move a mile a second. Personally, I'm more of a character study guy than plot. I just get the impression you want this to be seen as a thriller first and foremost and I think it’s a bit lacking in that department. Those elements are a bit tepid so far.
The creepy, intrusive neighbour/spurned lover (whether it be next door, across the street or upstairs) is nothing new, it’s a tried and tested formula so it’s really about how you give it a fresh twist.
See the Killing of a Scared Deer as residing somewhere within this sub-genre but doing something new and inventive with it.
Here, to your credit, you give it an interesting wrinkle by making the threat 16 years old and gay. That added (and still somewhat atypical in 201 sexual tension is definitely when the script is at its most "thrilling", the tension is palpable.
Also, with the introduction of the mother I'm intrigued about her complicity. How weird is this family, what are their motivations?
Still, I just feel, in general, it’s a little too conventional, a little too familiar but I reserve judgment until the fade out.
A strong finish to this. Its poetic in a movie kind of way in how we end up back where we began at the climbing wall where the antagonist meets their demise.
What it lacked in twists and turns during the main body of the script I have to give you props for ramping up and subsequently tying up those loose ends nicely during the closing scenes.
We get some questions answered and the real truth behind why certain things have happened comes to light.
It’s clear you have studied the template for a nuts and bolts thriller and applied it thus. I could definitely see this being made, it has commercial potential for sure. It ticks all the boxes in what thriller audiences look for.
Plus, it’s more "woke" than most by containing the homosexual element and, more importantly, not drawing attention to it. This could easily be made with a 2 woman/2 man quadrangle and nothing would change. Trevor could easily be Glenn Close
However, and this is just my jadedness coming through but because it has been so finely crafted and precisely plotted, there is a predictability to it all that just comes with writing within a recognizable genre.
There is an inevitability to how it will ultimately shake out.
We know Shawn is going to get sucked into it, we know Trevor will get his comeuppance and we know Kaden will probably patch things up with his dad. Again, this is just me, I've seen too many of these films and have had my fill of them, you know.
Still, I'm able to see past my own personal biases and recognize that you undoubtedly have an assuredly written piece here and something that stands a chance of being made for those very reasons.
Long time no see! A new draft of NOISE COMPLAINT is now available. Thank you to everyone who provided such great feedback. And to any first-time readers, I hope you enjoy.
I must say, I was pretty impressed by this. It kept in engaged for the whole read, read it straight through, which I prefer to do when reading a script.
First compliment I'll give is on the actual writing. It's pristine. I'm actually kinda jealous of your descriptions. Super quick, super fast read. The dialogue was realistic and witty. Your characters were fully fleshed out and distinctive enough from each other while providing all the main characters with solid character arcs which are revealed through some clever plot twists and reveals.
What I was most impressed with was the set-ups and the pay-offs/reveals. I was genuinely surprised by pretty much all of the twists. Of course, I figured Trevor/Simon killed the building manager, John. But I was really taken for a loop when we found out that Trevor didn't actually live in the building. Again, you set that up really well. But that wasn't even the most impressive reveal/twist: the one where we realize that Trevor is the one who had an affair with Cole - the substitute teacher thing, the reason why Kaden's father didn't go to Cole's funeral... even though the reason why he didn't show up was revealed via dialogue, it came natural because it was revealed after his father was in the hospital. Everything just came full circle very, very nicely. Every little detail seemed to matter, which I love. Even the other small details really added something extra - the blue Teddy Bear... the XBox video game... how the story ends how it began. Now, the ending felt a little too familiar to me, but it was logical. And the twist where we find out that it was Trevor who killed Cole... and accidentally... very nice. It made the trap at the rock climbing spot make perfect sense, albeit a little James Bond-ish (I completely forgot about the lights going out at the beginning).
There were really only two issues I had. One, the Johnny Depp bit of dialogue from Paige. I'm all for the women's movement, but I'm also a fan of due process and Johnny Depp's wife was revealed to be an abusive psychopath, Johnny Depp pretty much exonerated.
Second, I had a slight issue with the ending. I mean, it came full circle, putting the Xbox game on top of the headstone and moving on. But patting it and saying, "See you when I get there" (I'm paraphrasing) kinda felt weird. I know Cole died and all and Kaden was traumatized over it. Even though Cole was cheating on him. But he was cheating on Kaden with a 16 year old boy, which left me a little uneasy and less feeling for Cole. That's kind of a crime and pedophilia (albeit Trevor looked older) pretty much tarnishes everything about a character, even if your protag had intense feelings for them. I know Kaden moved on from Cole, but it kinda left a weird (not necessarily bad) taste in my mouth.
Other than those 2 things, this was pretty damn good, man. I think it would be a nice entry into this stalker sub genre of films (Fatal Attraction, Hush, Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Fear, etc). Awesome fucking work, dude.
I must say, I was pretty impressed by this. It kept in engaged for the whole read, read it straight through, which I prefer to do when reading a script.
First compliment I'll give is on the actual writing. It's pristine. I'm actually kinda jealous of your descriptions. Super quick, super fast read. The dialogue was realistic and witty. Your characters were fully fleshed out and distinctive enough from each other while providing all the main characters with solid character arcs which are revealed through some clever plot twists and reveals.
What I was most impressed with was the set-ups and the pay-offs/reveals. I was genuinely surprised by pretty much all of the twists. Of course, I figured Trevor/Simon killed the building manager, John. But I was really taken for a loop when we found out that Trevor didn't actually live in the building. Again, you set that up really well. But that wasn't even the most impressive reveal/twist: the one where we realize that Trevor is the one who had an affair with Cole - the substitute teacher thing, the reason why Kaden's father didn't go to Cole's funeral... even though the reason why he didn't show up was revealed via dialogue, it came natural because it was revealed after his father was in the hospital. Everything just came full circle very, very nicely. Every little detail seemed to matter, which I love. Even the other small details really added something extra - the blue Teddy Bear... the XBox video game... how the story ends how it began. Now, the ending felt a little too familiar to me, but it was logical. And the twist where we find out that it was Trevor who killed Cole... and accidentally... very nice. It made the trap at the rock climbing spot make perfect sense, albeit a little James Bond-ish (I completely forgot about the lights going out at the beginning).
Thank you so much for all of this! I really busted my ass on the payoffs/reveals, so it's good to know that they work and are, for the most part, surprising. I can definitely see the script giving off some James Bond vibes at the end; I honestly had Swimfan in my head at the time... how it started and ended at the pool.
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There were really only two issues I had. One, the Johnny Depp bit of dialogue from Paige. I'm all for the women's movement, but I'm also a fan of due process and Johnny Depp's wife was revealed to be an abusive psychopath, Johnny Depp pretty much exonerated.
Yeah, I wanna go back and add that -- "He was exonerated."
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Second, I had a slight issue with the ending. I mean, it came full circle, putting the Xbox game on top of the headstone and moving on. But patting it and saying, "See you when I get there" (I'm paraphrasing) kinda felt weird. I know Cole died and all and Kaden was traumatized over it. Even though Cole was cheating on him. But he was cheating on Kaden with a 16 year old boy, which left me a little uneasy and less feeling for Cole. That's kind of a crime and pedophilia (albeit Trevor looked older) pretty much tarnishes everything about a character, even if your protag had intense feelings for them. I know Kaden moved on from Cole, but it kinda left a weird (not necessarily bad) taste in my mouth.
I understand what you're saying here. In my head, Cole never explicitly pursued Trevor or tried to be with him. He was roped in. The way I see it, Cole was like Kaden, trying to get away from Trevor and being stalked and blackmailed. So our impression of it isn't the full story. Cole met Trevor at the restaurant to tell him to fuck off (this is what Paige and her dad saw). Cole kept Trevor's number in his phone so he knew not to answer. That kind of thing. So I still feel like the ending works, and Cole was always a good guy.
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Other than those 2 things, this was pretty damn good, man. I think it would be a nice entry into this stalker sub genre of films (Fatal Attraction, Hush, Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Fear, etc). Awesome fucking work, dude.
-- Michael
Thank you, Michael! The Hand That Rocks the Cradle was a HUGE influence on this. In fact, after I watched it, I immediately said, "I want to write a movie like that." And this is the result. I'm honored you think this would fit in nicely with films like it. Thank you again!
I read about half of this a while back, and I was glad to see that you posted a new version. Definitely echo everyone else's sentiments, this was a super-breezy read, and I got through it quickly, and you're really a great writer. No wasted words, and keeping the eye flowing down the page. Great job.
Now I see what everyone was telling me the last time - definitely some twists that I was in store for, that made some of my previous comments moot.
So these are calculus level nitpicks, because I really think you have a shot at getting this filmed. There's a nice angle here with the x-box and not having Cole erased.
- The rock climbing wall as the instrument of death - so I think we see, albeit 90 pages later, that Trevor is a bit of a superhero in the way he's able to attack his victims and avoid the authorities. What you're giving us here is that he was able to not only manipulate the safety equipment, which I imagine gets checked often (I don't know, I don't rock climb), but also managed to kill the power in a building. That's no small feat - you have to have a master key to the main breaker room in order to do that. And there would have been an investigation that would have resulted in a conclusion that the apparatus was tampered with - the company's insurance company would have insisted on it - and that information would have been made available to Kaden.
And then meeting there after hours for the final scene... again, a little too divorced from reality for me that this 16 year old can have the run of the place and not be detected, and get Shawn strung up, etc. Becomes a little too action-thriller cliche here after you've crafted a pretty good murder mystery with simmering sexual tension throughout.
- Simon and his parents - I might have missed it in the read, but was there an acknowledgement of the fire? So again we have this 16 year old wreaking havoc - starting a fire that at least in the world you give us was not investigated as an arson. And where was Trevor / Simon living while he was avoiding the authorities for the fire and Streykker's murder?
Simon / Trevor and Sterling - we get the sense that they've been friends a while, but in order for the story to make sense, Simon would have had to befriend Sterling after Cole's death. Is this a little too much of a coincidence? I'm not sure.
Time passing - there wasn't a SUPER that let us know that Kaden was about 6 months down the road from the accident when he starts to date Shawn. When they went to the carnival, I was thinking "it's too soon!"
- around page 59, when Trevor says "you can't avoid me, Kaden", I'm thinking "well, it's time to find a new apartment!" The only reason for Kaden to hang around as long as he does would be if he's just fighting himself a bit about wanting to be with Trevor. Introducing Shawn and having their relationship grow takes the Kaden - Trevor tension down quite a notch. It's a tough balancing act, because once he's "with" Shawn, and Trevor's behavior grows increasingly distressing, it becomes a case of "why is he still hanging around this place with this kid around?"
I also agree with the earlier comments that Cole in retrospect comes off like a bit of a heel here. I know you need to do it to serve the narrative, and make the twist work... so maybe get out in front of it? Maybe play the engagement scene a little differently? I think Cole proposing doesn't ring true, in retrospect, though I did read your explanation above. So maybe that has to be explained a little better. Like when Kaden explains to Shawn about finding the text. And don't be afraid to flash back there - you can go back and show an argument between Kaden and Cole in flashback and you can do much more with that than you could with Kaden just telling it to Shawn.
Again, just some small logic problems, for me, that I think could be easily fixed. This is a great effort with a couple of nice twists and some real tension here, and I really enjoyed the read. Good luck with it!
I read about half of this a while back, and I was glad to see that you posted a new version. Definitely echo everyone else's sentiments, this was a super-breezy read, and I got through it quickly, and you're really a great writer. No wasted words, and keeping the eye flowing down the page. Great job.
Now I see what everyone was telling me the last time - definitely some twists that I was in store for, that made some of my previous comments moot.
Thank you so much for coming back to this! So glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your kind words.
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So these are calculus level nitpicks, because I really think you have a shot at getting this filmed. There's a nice angle here with the x-box and not having Cole erased.
- The rock climbing wall as the instrument of death - so I think we see, albeit 90 pages later, that Trevor is a bit of a superhero in the way he's able to attack his victims and avoid the authorities. What you're giving us here is that he was able to not only manipulate the safety equipment, which I imagine gets checked often (I don't know, I don't rock climb), but also managed to kill the power in a building. That's no small feat - you have to have a master key to the main breaker room in order to do that. And there would have been an investigation that would have resulted in a conclusion that the apparatus was tampered with - the company's insurance company would have insisted on it - and that information would have been made available to Kaden.
And then meeting there after hours for the final scene... again, a little too divorced from reality for me that this 16 year old can have the run of the place and not be detected, and get Shawn strung up, etc. Becomes a little too action-thriller cliche here after you've crafted a pretty good murder mystery with simmering sexual tension throughout.
Ah, the magic of movies. I can see why this could frustrate you, and there's a small part of me that agrees. I personally hate in Halloween how we're supposed to believe Michael Myers carried a giant gravestone all around town without anybody seeing. So, in the case of this script, I think in terms of logic, it's not totally impossible. Now, keep in mind, the opening scene is a dream sequence, so it's an interpretation of what really happened. The lights may have never went out in the actual event of Cole's death. And as far as how Trevor was able to tinker with the climbing equipment, Trevor could've been the climber of that particular wall before Cole and Kaden had their turn. So I think by not seeing the logistics of it for ourselves, including the ending, it's just as likely he was able to pull all of this off just as it could've been unlikely. To me, it's fair play and could go either way. And I see your points about there being a case against the rock climbing gym and Kaden being in the know about it, etc, but I deliberately wanted to exclude this because I felt like it took away from the story, especially Kaden's journey of moving forward.
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- Simon and his parents - I might have missed it in the read, but was there an acknowledgement of the fire? So again we have this 16 year old wreaking havoc - starting a fire that at least in the world you give us was not investigated as an arson. And where was Trevor / Simon living while he was avoiding the authorities for the fire and Streykker's murder?
Other than the initial Xbox scene, there isn't a mention of the fire. And there's no mention of when the fire happened, either. It could've been days before Kaden moved into the new apartment, so pinning Trevor down for an investigation would take time. Additionally, there would be questions if he even survived the fire. As far as where Trevor was living the whole time, who knows? I think it's better not knowing, honestly. I like the idea of people coming up with their own conclusions about it.
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Simon / Trevor and Sterling - we get the sense that they've been friends a while, but in order for the story to make sense, Simon would have had to befriend Sterling after Cole's death. Is this a little too much of a coincidence? I'm not sure.
Trevor befriended Sterling when they arrived back from the wedding. Trevor befriended Sterling by telling him he and his uncle just moved in to the unit below them.
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Time passing - there wasn't a SUPER that let us know that Kaden was about 6 months down the road from the accident when he starts to date Shawn. When they went to the carnival, I was thinking "it's too soon!"
There's no super because it's a dream sequence.
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- around page 59, when Trevor says "you can't avoid me, Kaden", I'm thinking "well, it's time to find a new apartment!" The only reason for Kaden to hang around as long as he does would be if he's just fighting himself a bit about wanting to be with Trevor. Introducing Shawn and having their relationship grow takes the Kaden - Trevor tension down quite a notch. It's a tough balancing act, because once he's "with" Shawn, and Trevor's behavior grows increasingly distressing, it becomes a case of "why is he still hanging around this place with this kid around?"
Fair point. At this point, I wanted it to appear that Kaden was thinking of alternatives for getting away. Like when he's in the hospital locker room getting information on the noise complaint. I wanted him to appear like he would rather be anywhere else than home, but not at the point where he's ready to completely jump ship. Sometimes it's just easier said than done.
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I also agree with the earlier comments that Cole in retrospect comes off like a bit of a heel here. I know you need to do it to serve the narrative, and make the twist work... so maybe get out in front of it? Maybe play the engagement scene a little differently? I think Cole proposing doesn't ring true, in retrospect, though I did read your explanation above. So maybe that has to be explained a little better. Like when Kaden explains to Shawn about finding the text. And don't be afraid to flash back there - you can go back and show an argument between Kaden and Cole in flashback and you can do much more with that than you could with Kaden just telling it to Shawn.
I'll look into this. I do still stand by Cole being a decent guy. In my mind, Cole proposing to Kaden served two purposes: 1) It's what Kaden wanted, and 2) it would show to Trevor that Cole really wasn't interested in him.
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Again, just some small logic problems, for me, that I think could be easily fixed. This is a great effort with a couple of nice twists and some real tension here, and I really enjoyed the read. Good luck with it!
AJR
Thank you again for reading and your comments! I really appreciate it.
Read the first dozen pages, like it so far. Easy read, good spacing, dialogue flows.
I'd like to nit pick a little on the first few pages. These are my opinions, take it for what it's worth. We all have our different writing styles.
I'll try to wrap up the reading of the script this weekend. It's got a nice vibe, even if it's not totally a new concept.
* I would copyright the script. * Enjoyed the opening, rock wall, ring, tragedy. Nice set-up. * Cole's description, pretty cool. * Not sure if I like the description "same age" for Kaden, why not write his age. * There are quite a few unfilmables and personally I would keep these to a minimum. * Not sure I understand the use of exclamation "!" in dialogue. * On the first few pages, your actions start with Kaden quite a few times. Try to mix it up. * Usually using is/are/does/doesn't in action, tells more than shows. * I believe "--" is used in dialogue, not action, as a shift/interruption. * Go easy on words ending in -ing, climbing why not climbs. * Page4: COLE "No I didn’t.". This dialogue is good. Simple, but effective. * Page5: Not sure if you need "SMASH CUT TOO:", a new slug-line would do. * Assuming this is a spec script, "PULL BACK TO REVEAL:" is not necessary. * IMO, not a big fan of the capped sounds, doesn't add anything to the script, distracting. * Virtually no description of Paige. * INT. KADEN’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM, somewhat amputated, DAY/NIGHT would be nice. Even if it's obvious I like to add DAY or NIGHT to a slug, unless mini-slugs. * This is very nit picky, "Kaden and Paige sit in front of the coffee table", I would use "a table" instead of "the table," first time introduced. * Page7: Paige's dialogue, "PAIGE" Of course your neighbors would be clog dancers." Liked it. * Not sure if parenthetical is necessary because Paige answers the phone. * Page 10: "INT. KADEN’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT", don't like LATER THAT NIGHT in the slug, what follows, the dream/flash, doesn't think that was written that well. * I would use mini-slugs when moving from room to room in Kaden's apartment, assuming same time stamp.
As I said initially, like it so far. I try to plug through it this weekend, easy read, curious to know about Kaden's interaction with Trevor.
Easy read, slow burn. Like the way you unwrapped it with surprises, twists, turns and Cole/Kaden switch. Snappy dialogue, your strong point. Story, ploy and characters work. Nice ending with the rock wall and the xbox.
Page26: The way Shawn calmed the kid at the hospital, liked that.
Simon/Trevor really well written. Sometimes I felt he was quite more mature for his age.
Page37: INT. MARTA STATION (NORTH SPRINGS) - DAY A Super is needed or show us a sign that states the name of the location/station.
Page43: INT. SHAWN’S CAR - LATER, not clear if they are driving or not. I would make it clear in the the slug-line sitting in the car or moving, put that into the slug-line (PARKED/STOPPED/MOVING) Your slug-lines are not consistent and by omitting DAY or NIGHT (timestamp), I sometimes had to scroll back to find out what the time of the day it was. Also be consistent, you're mixing APARTMENT and APARTMENT BUILDING, EX: INT. APARTMENT - LOBBY - DAY. Also UPSTAIRS APARTMENT becomes HELEN'S APARTMENT at one point, if I recall correctly.
The Montages are more like Series of Shots, one location, multiple things happening.
I liked Paige, was hoping for more involvement from her, support and such.
How they got John Treyker out of the apartment building?
CONT'D is not really used that much anymore. Cap E in employee. Fucking, WTF and dick (instead: penis) in action, IMO, doesn't add too much, expose it in dialogue.
PAGE 75: "Shawn parks at the curb." I don't feel the urgency. After driving like a bat out of hell, I think Shawn would slam on the breaks, wheels skid, hits the curb -- then Kaden jumps out.
Thanks for giving this a full read and providing some valuable notes!
The script is copyrighted. I just don't include that information on the title page.
I'm definitely guilty of including unfilmmables. I think the industry is becoming a little more lax about using them, but I still try to keep them to a minimum. Hopefully the ones I used at least elevated the story or helped set the tone.
Thanks for your attention to detail with the slugs. I'll definitely have to go back and make sure they're consistent across the board.
I really like Paige too and tried to include her as much as possible. I considered a possible phone call to her somewhere in the middle act, just for Kaden to vent about what's been going on, but couldn't find a way to incorporate it without it feeling like a speed bump in the pacing.
How Trevor got John Treyker's body out of the apartment... who knows? I actually wanted to keep many questions unanswered so the audience could have some fun deciding for themselves. How did he get the body out? Where was Trevor actually staying this whole time? Etc. I like having some gray areas.
Thank you again for your feedback. Appreciate it so much and I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
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sexual tension is definitely when the script is at its most "thrilling", the tension is palpable.
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