Iï¿½m no format Nazi. But ... if this were formatted properly, it would be over 200 pages iï¿½m Guessing. And thereï¿½s a lot of unnecessary description. The whole shower sequence could be cut and much more.
If the writer is looking for feedback - edit edit edit. Youï¿½ll find it tough to get reads if you donï¿½t trim it down. Also - iï¿½d Delete the 2014 draft date. People generally want to be reading a new or recently edited thing.
Good luck with it. As it stands I wonï¿½t read beyond 5 pages.