SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:21am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Mia and the Hitman Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 4 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Mia and the Hitman  (currently 1011 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2019, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Mia and the Hitman by Karl Kross - Thriller - A ruthless hitman feels a connection to a little girl he is supposed to kill, but caring for her will carry consequences.  96 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
CurtisJames52
Posted: May 24th, 2019, 10:53am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
31
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Karl,

Your formatting and structure are spot on. You've clearly been writing a while and have skill and technique. It reads well. Dialogue is pretty good. I've got no qualms about any of that. There's definite talent going on, here.

But there's a certain...smugness...you've got going on with your writing. These little moments that say to me, "Look how too cool for school I am" that take me out of the story every time I catch one.


Quoted Text
A GOLDFISH flapping in the hot sand. Mindfuck.



Quoted Text
Lock up your daughters. Skinhead, knuckle tats, rock n roll
badass...
Inhales a lungful of freedom. Tastes good.



Quoted Text
Joey immediately goes for the door - nice try dickhead.



Quoted Text
--But Driver FIRES--
--DIT!
Sorry ladies.



Quoted Text
Hitman stabs his shovel on top of another grave - hardest
part of the job.


Maybe it's just me and my own personal taste, but I'm not digging it. It's like you're injecting your own cool commentary into the scenes. Again, could just be my problem. You've got the chops and the skill, so who knows?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
GlynnTurner
Posted: May 25th, 2019, 11:48am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Curtis ( or James )
Thanks for taking the time to read it and post some notes.  I welcome all notes, good and bad.  

We all read so many boring scripts that my mandate to myself was to simply 'not write boring'.  I tired to write in a way that was entertaining.  

However, maybe it didn't work.  I obviously didn't mean to come off sounding 'smug' or condescending in any way, so if thats how it reads then perhaps I have over done it.  I will think about this and I appreciate your time and comments.
Best
Karl
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
Arundel
Posted: May 26th, 2019, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hello, I enjoyed reading your script. The writing style worked because it gave the script some character, some ATTITUDE. The first pages grab the reader's attention like a splash of cold water to the face or a grip on the collar. "Hey, pay attention to THIS! It's gonna be wild!" As a screenwriter, one does not have final control on what the finished project may feel like/look like, but has to do their best to give it a personality. You certainly did that. I could tell this was going to be fast-paced. There were perhaps a few times this device didn't work so well or seemed overdone, but when it it, as it did most of the time, it connected.

At first I had a problem with the sudden character shift of the hitman when he first encounters Mia. I felt it was a drastic change in appearance that he becomes a big softy to her, but I like that he did. Then reading to the end it makes sense. This was well-done and wraps up the story nicely. Brought it full circle.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
GlynnTurner
Posted: May 27th, 2019, 1:28am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Arundel
Really appreciate your notes.  It's really a tough one for me to know if I have over done the 'extras' or not.  Ultimatley I'm glad you enjoyed the script and really do appreciate your time and thoughts.  I do understand Curtis too and I think my biggest takeaway from the comments you guys have left is that I just need to be really careful in future that - if I chose this style again - I spend some extra time making sure I don't over-do it.  
I'm really glad you liked it, I have read scripts in a similair style but I am perhaps less skilled than those other writers and therefore maybe some of the narrative could be deemed excessive where as other parts might be spot on.  In my quest to try and write in an entertaining and 'non boring way' I am just going to take greater care to try and be even smarter and more discreet with my narrative.  Thanks again everyone and thanks Arundel for your time writing the comments.
Best
Karl
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
CurtisJames52
Posted: May 27th, 2019, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
31
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Karl,

Glad to see you turned up! Better still, you didn't take offense to my feedback. As I said, it might have just been my personal taste. I knew what you were going for and I definitely think it's important to have a unique voice. You've got style and talent, and now I can see that you welcome to notes and feedback. That's fantastic.

Stick with it. I think we can expect great things from you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
GlynnTurner
Posted: May 27th, 2019, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Curtis
Thanks for your message.

I definitly don't take offense.  A script is a public thing meant to be read by people so I think a writer needs to be prepared to take on all comments, both good and bad.  I don't assume to know 'everything' anyway so I love hearing people's comments.  This is how we make our scripts better.  As the wirter, I can decide what to do after people have made comments but I would never take offense.  I really like what you said and I will carry it to me with my next script.  Thanks again for your thoughts and hopefully my next script will be even better!
K
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
eldave1
Posted: May 28th, 2019, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Had a chance to breeze through the first 20.

Shouldn't''t have liked it based on my preconceptions of what works and does't work script-wise.

BUT --

Fucking loved it.

You made it entertaining to read - special - different.

Not sure if the style would fit all stories - but it fits this one like a glove.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
Warren
Posted: May 28th, 2019, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
On Dave's comment I gave this a look. You are definitely a skilled writer, and if nothing else you have written an engaging script. It's a real page turner.

The style is quite unique and really works well with the story.

There are a few things that I would ordinarily comment on (mainly personal preference type things), but it's just such a pleasure to read, that the comments seem irrelevant.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
GlynnTurner
Posted: May 29th, 2019, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
eldave, I can't thank you enough for reading it.  After the first line of your note I thought I was about to get a rough review, but then I read the rest.  Thanks very much.  At the end of the day I'm just glad you liked it and found it a decent read.  many thanks for taking the time to comment.  Best . Karl
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
GlynnTurner
Posted: May 29th, 2019, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
Warren, thanks for your comments.  I don't in any way think the script is perfect, Im sure some people could rip it to shreads.  Im open to all notes and comments, good and bad so if you really want to share something please do, even if you think it is small.  All notes are helpful wether good or bad because it gives me something to try and improve on, I will never take anything personally.   I want to thank you for taking the time to read and post about it anyway, many thanks
Karl
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
eldave1
Posted: May 29th, 2019, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from GlynnTurner
eldave, I can't thank you enough for reading it.  After the first line of your note I thought I was about to get a rough review, but then I read the rest.  Thanks very much.  At the end of the day I'm just glad you liked it and found it a decent read.  many thanks for taking the time to comment.  Best . Karl


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006