SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:44am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Operation South Lawn - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Operation South Lawn - WT  (currently 1863 views)
khamanna
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 5:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Good job this one.

Funny last scene and I could appreciate the build up to it. Many don't like clowns but HE does and maybe it's because he has orange hair himself.

I wish it was funnier though. The beginning (up to the very last line actually) doesn't ring comedy. I forgot that it was a comedy in fact.
Well written and all.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 24
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:52am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
I think you missed the chance at a decent joke where one agent says to the other to "stop clowning around" when he's got his gun pulled on Butcho.

I laughed at the chicken bit and the clown face in the window. Some decent gags there. I appreciate the different angle taken here with it not being a "bomb" and the absurdity of a clown being thrown out of a plane for the President is weird enough to get a nod of approval from me.

I'll vote this one.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 24
Stumpzian
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 7:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
Decent tale. Chuckles here and there. Ending just fine.
I'm way tired of clowns, though, along with zombies, vampires, people with Scream masks, etc. etc.
Henry



Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 24
PrussianMosby
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 9:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Operation South Lawn

Short notes: Partly I lost the orientation within this airplane. Then your constant tries on comedy saved you. All in all it was nonetheless too confusing to entirely enjoy it. However, some situation comedy and slapstick landed well.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 6



Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 24
ajr
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
So I thought this was cute, however I guessed where you were going with it by the "that's what she wants" line. Probably could have spent less time describing the pilot and having the agents banter and more time with the agent and the clown.  Tough category.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 24
JEStaats
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 12:00am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Yeah, this was mine. I never expected laugh out load bellows with milk flowing out the nose but crickets? Man, I suck at comedy. My mental images just don't translate to page. I did have to edit 3/4 of a page to meet the requirement but that's no excuse. Dustin's comments really rang true with the exposition (in your face) dialog, so I'll take that to heart. Hmmm, yeah, I thought it would've done better.

Good luck, Dan!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 24
DanC
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 1:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
Thanks John
This was hard.  Comedy with skydiving is fine.  But time bomb??  That doesn't really read as comedy.  I thought you did very good.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 24
jayrex
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 2:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22

Quoted from DustinBowcot


Code

The clown looks very creepy.



In what way? I find it really difficult to imagine a creepy clown. They look funny, not creepy.



Stephen King's IT clown never looked funny to me, very much creepy.  They do look creepy, can always be creepy, it's a part of life, the majority of us have seen creepy clowns.  Just a few years ago there was that creepy clown scare phase that got into the news, spread from North America to Europe.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 24
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 6:26am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
For what it's worth, I liked this one and it got my vote.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 6:32am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from jayrex


Stephen King's IT clown never looked funny to me, very much creepy.  They do look creepy, can always be creepy, it's a part of life, the majority of us have seen creepy clowns.  Just a few years ago there was that creepy clown scare phase that got into the news, spread from North America to Europe.



Who's the majority?

Yeah, I saw that stupid thing on the news... but I'm an adult.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 24 - 24
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006