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A Hundred Midnights - WT (currently 2102 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 9:58pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16431 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
A Hundred Midnights by 0 - Short, Horror, Drama - A primitive church says farewell to a man who killed his wife and blinded his daughter. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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CameronD |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 11:55am |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Weird setting, a church in a swamp. Not sure why the writer went out of his way to write in a Sunkist crate as decoration unless Sunkist was part of the challenge. I like the "God did not make this man" line. What???? Weird. The Sunkist crate does come back into play but still no idea why it's Sunkist. The way this is set up it's nothing but exposition. I'm starting to think the hard 5 page limit is going to cause a lot of struggle to write self contained stories in this challenge. So far it seems to be a lot of separate scenes. The Preacher got a bit old with his rambling sermon. I wonder maybe if at least this was intersped with flashbacks of what happened it might help the narrative. Make the girl the main focus and her struggle to survive. |
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Reply: 1 - 20 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Quite liked this - the tone/setting all nicely set. Liked the rhythmic beat of the preacher and the congregation - rang true.
The competition is fairly solid as well - going to be a tough choice IMO. Haven't decided yet but I know a solid writer is going out. |
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Reply: 2 - 20 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:09pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
That was really good. That was like the best preacher/congregation dialogue ever. Usually my eyes glaze over after like five seconds of that stuff. This kept me going the whole way. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 3 - 20 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Dangit. This matchup stinks. Someone's going home that could have won the whole shootin' match.
This is very well written. Loved the setting. Loved the dialogue. The story mainly happens before these 5 pages, which is the only critique I have. (A few typos... but, big deal, given the challenge.)
Excellent job. Tough matchup. Wish I didn't have to choose. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 4 - 20 |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:25pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.38 |
A HUNDRED MIDNIGHTS Omg another great one. Good writing out of the gate here. Love the dialogue. Mystery on page one good job. Wow this is really good. Touching at the end too. The snake was just scary! GREAT job gonna be hard to pick this stand-off! |
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Reply: 5 - 20 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:30pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Looks like I’m the odd one out for this one. I didn’t enjoy it. I thought most of the story was told through expositional dialogue.
The writing has no issues but the other script has my vote. |
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Reply: 6 - 20 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:30pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I liked this one and at the same time I didn't like it because I wasn't sure what happened at the end. It was interesting up until about the last page or so. I liked the dialogue of the preacher and his congregation, that was well done, but for me it just kind of fell apart at the end. |
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TheUsualSuspect |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:45am |
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New
LocationCanada Posts351 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
The Preacher writing was solid, I've heard people like that too many times in my life so I got a good sense of how they spoke.
You do finish on page 4, which leaves some room that could have been used more for the little girl. A little too much was back and forth between the Preacher and the congregation.
Solid entry. |
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Reply: 8 - 20 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:08pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
i'm with Warren. I didn't care for this one at all. I guess we're 2 peas in the pod, bud.
I'm not sure what I can even offer to make this better.
Wait, I do.
Show, don't tell. I think that's why I didn't feel anything. Show us how we got here, not just tell us.
And I don't get the end at all. If he did that, why isn't she crying for her mama????
Dan |
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Reply: 9 - 20 |
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:30pm |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
This was fantabulous until the very end.
Maybe the writer ran out of time, or ideas but the huge, excellent build up fell flat with the climax.
It needs some further twist... Like the child is the real Devil here or something.
If you can find a way to extend it, this could be really good. |
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Reply: 10 - 20 |
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khamanna |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 12:50pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
A variety of opinions here.
I'm with Rick. I was drawn in and the Preacher here is very colorful.
I have another opinion on the ending. I think that the girl calling out to her Dad is the twist. We think Dad did something wrong but the girl has another opinion on him. So, I felt for her at the end. But I think it needs to breathe some more before you reach that ending.
Maybe show us a girl a little more. She may even say something prior to the ending. What if the Preacher ask her questions and she has to talk bad of her Dad... or something. I think that's an idea worth exploring. Otherwise it leaves us with the impression that it's undone. And I think it's a very little to be done to make it feel like a complete story as I do see a complete story. I just think that the presentation could be slightly different. |
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Reply: 11 - 20 |
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stevie |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:33pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Really liked the creepy almost voodoo type vibe here. I think this is far superior than the other script but each to his own. The snake bit was full on but I was hoping the guy in the coffin was still alive so it was even greater punishment lol |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 5:54pm |
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Too dialogue heavy for me. I didn't get an adequate impression of the surroundings or the mood. There are touches here and there that show a good writer shackled by bullshitty rules, which is a shame... just my opinion.
This is why this story isn't as good as the other. Not enough world-building.
Writing: 3 Story: 2
2.5 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Liked the tone of this, I know it's expositional... but Baptist preachers always are! They love the sound of their own voices...
Hard choice here. |
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Reply: 14 - 20 |
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