A Hundred Midnights by 0 - Short, Horror, Drama - A primitive church says farewell to a man who killed his wife and blinded his daughter. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Weird setting, a church in a swamp. Not sure why the writer went out of his way to write in a Sunkist crate as decoration unless Sunkist was part of the challenge.

I like the "God did not make this man" line.

What???? Weird. The Sunkist crate does come back into play but still no idea why it's Sunkist. The way this is set up it's nothing but exposition. I'm starting to think the hard 5 page limit is going to cause a lot of struggle to write self contained stories in this challenge. So far it seems to be a lot of separate scenes.

The Preacher got a bit old with his rambling sermon. I wonder maybe if at least this was intersped with flashbacks of what happened it might help the narrative. Make the girl the main focus and her struggle to survive.

Quite liked this - the tone/setting all nicely set.  Liked the rhythmic beat of the preacher and the congregation - rang true.

The competition is fairly solid as well - going to be a tough choice IMO.  Haven't decided yet but I know a solid writer is going out.

That was really good. That was like the best preacher/congregation dialogue ever. Usually my eyes glaze over after like five seconds of that stuff. This kept me going the whole way.

Dangit. This matchup stinks. Someone's going home that could have won the whole shootin' match.

This is very well written. Loved the setting. Loved the dialogue. The story mainly happens before these 5 pages, which is the only critique I have. (A few typos... but, big deal, given the challenge.)

Excellent job. Tough matchup. Wish I didn't have to choose.

A HUNDRED MIDNIGHTS
Omg another great one. Good writing out of the gate here.
Love the dialogue.
Mystery on page one good job.
Wow this is really good. Touching at the end too. The snake was just scary! GREAT job gonna be hard to pick this stand-off!

Looks like I’m the odd one out for this one. I didn’t enjoy it. I thought most of the story was told through expositional dialogue.

The writing has no issues but the other script has my vote.

I liked this one and at the same time I didn't like it because I wasn't sure what happened at the end. It was interesting up until about the last page or so. I liked the dialogue of the preacher and his congregation, that was well done, but for me it just kind of fell apart at the end.

The Preacher writing was solid, I've heard people like that too many times in my life so I got a good sense of how they spoke.

You do finish on page 4, which leaves some room that could have been used more for the little girl. A little too much was back and forth between the Preacher and the congregation.

Solid entry.

i'm with Warren.  I didn't care for this one at all.  I guess we're 2 peas in the pod, bud.

I'm not sure what I can even offer to make this better.  

Wait, I do.

Show, don't tell.  I think that's why I didn't feel anything.  Show us how we got here, not just tell us.

And I don't get the end at all.  If he did that, why isn't she crying for her mama????

Dan

This was fantabulous until the very end.

Maybe the writer ran out of time, or ideas but the huge, excellent build up fell flat with the climax.

It needs some further twist... Like the child is the real Devil here  or something.

If you can find a way to extend it, this could be really good.

A variety of opinions here.

I'm with Rick. I was drawn in and the Preacher here is very colorful.

I have another opinion on the ending. I think that the girl calling out to her Dad is the twist. We think Dad did something wrong but the girl has another opinion on him. So, I felt for her at the end. But I think it needs to breathe some more before you reach that ending.

Maybe show us a girl a little more. She may even say something prior to the ending. What if the Preacher ask her questions and she has to talk bad of her Dad... or something.
I think that's an idea worth exploring.
Otherwise it leaves us with the impression that it's undone. And I think it's a very little to be done to make it feel like a complete story as I do see a complete story. I just think that the presentation could be slightly different.  

Really liked the creepy almost voodoo type vibe here. I think this is far superior than the other script but each to his own.
The snake bit was full on but I was hoping the guy in the coffin was still alive so it was even greater punishment lol

Too dialogue heavy for me. I didn't get an adequate impression of the surroundings or the mood. There are touches here and there that show a good writer shackled by bullshitty rules, which is a shame... just my opinion.

This is why this story isn't as good as the other. Not enough world-building.

Writing: 3
Story: 2

2.5

Liked the tone of this, I know it's expositional... but Baptist preachers always are! They love the sound of their own voices...

Hard choice here.

I liked this story better than the other entrant. And yes it was written well.

But... it's not horror. It's a drama. Agree that it's too much telling and not really any showing. At 4 pages what the writer needed to do was flash back to the accident... Oh and have something really horrific happen to the father, like he heard voices or something. That would have made it a horror short.

Tough choice, this one.

A Hundred Midnights

Short notes: I felt for the girl. Definitely a heavy ending. I didn't understand why you haven't brought the horror on page. It was more like the preacher speaking about it than anything visual, touchable. The horrific live-experience is simply to absent, too far away from the picture. It's still within genre for sure, in a kind of crossover scary atmosphere experience. Those movies exist and I still however liked your version. Just a bit more activity, a little bit, and those already well-crafted atmospheric points around the great preacher would have shined much more.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 5

total: 11

This one wasn't really for me.  I didn't get the horror vibe.  More drama than anything.

There wasn't much of a story for me.

The snake did it for me!

Loved the vibe and atmosphere. Love the title. I felt nervous for Mae the whole time. The blindfold visual and impending 'who knows what will happen' suspense is terrific..

Was it a Sunkist crate just cause it was available? A no-frills box for a no good rotter?

Good stuff.

Nope, it just didn't do it for me. Well written and all, but I found myself skimming through the sermon. Quality work, but a bit long winded.

Just voted - Wow! 50/50!

I want to address a few points raised about my script A Hundred Midnights.
1. "Too much exposition."
The term gets thrown around too much, and it does not apply here. My story is NOT that a man killed his wife and blinded his daughter.
The story is Preacher James's attempt to help his congregation (and the daughter) move on by forcing them to face the horror of what happened. He does this:
(a) through the graphic details in his sermon,
(b) by placing the poor girl in a chair up front, and
(c) by closing all the windows so everyone can smell the un-embalmed corpse.
2. "You should have used flashbacks."
No. This is a four-minute scene. Flashbacks would disrupt/interrupt the momentum. As I said, the crimes are not the story. Preacher James is.
3. "Why a Sunkist crate?"
Preacher James's sermon uses "darkness" and "light" to get his points across (with allusions to James Weldon Johnson's "The Creation"). I liked the idea of putting the snake inside a crate marked Sunkist.
Final note:
I deliberately gave the little girl no dialogue except for the last line. An ordinary  6-year-child would/should be protected from knowing the grisly details and not be forced to sit in front of everyone while the smelling her father's corpse. To me, that is the horror of this story.