1952, Drummer Street by Wes Cravendale - Short, Horror - After a decade-long absence, a son returns home to discover the maid knows more than she should regarding his parents' misfortunes. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There are a few unnecessary details in this one, though for the most part this short paints a clear and vivid picture of 1950s suburbia. I don't see the reason for treating Patti Page as a character with dialogue. Didn't detract too much, but it was strange.

The writing's OK in this one, other than a few punctuation nits I noticed. I have little to say on the story. It's basically a vampire tale, slightly elevated by the 50s setting.

  

The writing is very dense at the start. Could be crisper.

The full address in the scene heading got tedious and in many places it would have read crisper with mini-slugs (like when you're in different rooms of the house).

Good effort for the short time

Code Burning incense sticks stuck into holes in the woodwork and door frames drop ash to the filthy floor.

Missing comma after 'frames'.

OK... Good. A new take on the vampire genre. Well told, I could see everything clearly and it has a fresh twist.

Writing: 4
Story: 4

Total: 4

I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.

I thought it was way too over writtenly descriptive.  

And it kinda took forever to get to the good part.  

This didn't really work for me.
Sorry
Dan

Quoted from DanC I thought vampire too, and that's a problem because it's supposed to be ghost as the topic.

I really wish the challenge parameters were stated in each thread. I didn't even realize that.

I'd consider reigning in the descriptions at the start. Once we get into the house, you do a nice job building up a creepy atmosphere. Overall, a solid effort and has a unique little spin to it.

This was just okay for me. A bit overwritten and clunky action bits. Big on details that really didn't add to the story. Mood and era setting perhaps? Overall, it just really didn't grab me.

Good job getting this done in the 48 and submitted.

That was a long five pages. It’s really over written but the story worked for me.

A little over written in places and I got no sense that it was a haunted house, they're positioned as vampires...

Not a bad story though.

Even though the writing was good, the action made this a bit of a slow read, but overall I enjoyed it! I knew Willamina had something up her sleeve the moment Max said:

"You haven’t changed a bit. You
look exactly the same. I mean,
exactly. That’s amazing."

I thought it was gonna be like The Skeleton Key or something but this proved to be more interesting than a bunch of hocus pocus (though I do like the movie).

The dialogue was good too.

Gruesome stuff. Good job.

Agree with what's been said before. A bit overwritten, however I didn't mind. Well, maybe just the part about the door hinges. But it's great writing so you really can't quibble. And yes, it's not really a haunted house, but it sure is a house of horrors.

I guess Patti Page on the radio was necessary to stamp it as 1952. As was the Chevy. (If the song truly came out in '52, then it's been 70 years, and I forget the copyright rules on music, but it might be in public domain and thus can be used for free?)  Doesn't really belong at the beginning of the slug though, for a moment I thought that was the address of Drummer Street. Should be at the end of it with a dash.

And I think Willamina should have been older than 35 if the writer was going for 'you haven't changed.' Lots of women do not change from age 24 to 35 and it has nothing to do with drinking blood.

And I think the overdone narrative takes away from the plot, as in, there is no plot. We have horror, i.e, these people drink blood, but we don't know WHY. Why is the power out? What catastrophe has befallen this era and these people?

Tough one for me because it's so well written and atmospheric, yet there aren't answers to the why's.

Funny this one. Very well written with a great concept. But the detail in the action lines sorta cramps it up and its hard not to skim to the dialogue. had a real creepy feel so it was good

It's quite wordy.  You have the makings of a good story, there's potential there.  It just feels like a slow read.

I feel this one meets the topic requirements.

For two days worth, it's good.

Very nice intense build here.

You pulled me into the story, gave me interesting characters to watch and root for and ended in gut-wrenching resolution.

Great work.