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Incident At The Super Save Mart - WT (currently 1437 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:01pm
Administrator Administrator
So, what are you writing?
Location Virginia
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Incident At The Super Save Mart by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - After being in contact with an asteroid, Tommy must try to train the new employee Andrew. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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khamanna
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:23am
January Project Group
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Ahaha, I kept laughing through the whole thing. This is too good for this challenge. I think I know who it is. You're always funny. Great job.
Reply: 1 - 18
DustinBowcot
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:16am
Guest User
Writing is off in places. I'll give a couple examples from the 1st page:
Code
The falling ball of fire plummets to the Earth...
If something is plummeting it is falling.
Code
TOMMY, a pimple faced, braces wearing teenager holds a...
Braces-wearing
vine-like.
Code
He grabs his neck immediately
and passes out.
You mean he immediately passes out?
Carl nods is enough.
That's from the first half page.
The action lines lack flow.
Code
ANDREW
Oh my God, dude. Your finger just
fall off. Are you okay?
Fell off.
Writing: 2.5
Story: 2.5
Total: 2.5
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Reply: 2 - 18
Stumpzian
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:07pm
January Project Group
Location North Carolina
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Amusing in places ("those aren't my fingers"). Not sure why the Alien/Tommy can't tell the truth, other than the parameter. No one in the supermarket heard the asteroid crash out back?
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Reply: 3 - 18
CameronD
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:15pm
Been Around
Posts 542
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This was pretty funny, lol. Absurd in all the right places, but considering the constrained parameters of your challenge you did quite well in executing. The homo line actually made me laugh and the rest of the script had me snickering. Very good.
Reply: 4 - 18
eldave1
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:18pm
January Project Group
Location Southern California
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Okay - I laughed at parts and comedy is tough. Overall not a bad effort for a short time. Break up your action blocks as distinct actions occur. There were several places where they ran together making the read denser than it need be.
Reply: 5 - 18
DanC
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 12:52pm
Old Timer
Killing villains since 1980!
Location Buffalo NY
Posts 1131
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I found this very funny. I prefer this one, honestly. I think you should have Tommy talk in a robotic or some alien-type "English is your second language" accent. I think he has to lie to keep up appearances that he's normal and OK while they look around to see what the Earth has to offer. It does need a bit of a story and a reason for all this, but, after only 48ish hours and some real laugh-out-loud parts, great job. Dan
Reply: 6 - 18
MarkItZero
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 1:28pm
Old Timer
Posts 1007
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This started out really, really funny but then kept hitting the same note for too long. Not much of a payout with the ending and Carl wanting to be the cool boss never pays off. But, like I said with the other script, this was a ridiculously hard challenge topic. You started out on fire so this definitely gets the win. Nice job.
That rug really tied the room together.
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Reply: 7 - 18
PKCardinal
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 3:37pm
January Project Group
Location Kansas
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Nicely done. A couple of solid laughs. It's a bit one-note in the joke telling... but, hey, five pages... it's tough to get too far from any single element. Good job.
PaulKWrites.com60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/FeatureThe Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/FeatureWait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Reply: 8 - 18
Warren
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:00pm
Of The Ancients
A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
Location Sydney, Australia
Posts 3897
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Some pretty obvious typos. I really enjoyed this though. I laughed a few times and thought the writing was quite good overall.
Revision History (1 edits)
Warren - March 22nd, 2018, 2:37am
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Reply: 9 - 18
JEStaats
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:41pm
Old Timer
No sh*t, there I was....
Location Tucson, AZ
Posts 1735
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Was having a character named Tommy part of this head-to-head? Kidding. Very funny. Great dialog and banter. Great ending too. Very good work for 48 hours.
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Reply: 10 - 18
Pale Yellow
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 7:42pm
January Project Group
Posts 2083
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INCIDENT AT THE SUPER SAVE MART
Great OPENING for sci-fi. Love the opening!
Ya dig? Love this
Really great dialogue in this. Good job!
Omg lol at dude your ear just fell off.
Very funny all the way through. GREAT job.
Reply: 11 - 18
AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:24pm
January Project Group
Location UK
Posts 4323
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Invasion of the body snatchers with jokes, okay I'll go with that, decent effort,
Reply: 12 - 18
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:33pm
Old Timer
Location Colorado
Posts 1547
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This was great. I was laughing the whole time. Goofy and outrageous. Good job.
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Reply: 13 - 18
ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:38am
Old Timer
Posts 1482
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As Anthony said, it's basically invasion of the body snatchers with sight gags. Granted, there are laughs here, but they're obvious. Body parts falling off, mostly. Again, if I'm looking for the boxes, sci-fi - check, supermarket, check - not sure about the lying part. Hate to be the stick in the mud here, but denying is not the same as lying. Kant said that lying is predicated on everyone else telling the truth. A lie is not a lie if the lie is the norm. So liars depend on truth-tellers. From that standpoint, this script's counterpart did a better job with a key element of the challenge. But good for you writer for eliciting some laughs with a very difficult challenge.
Reply: 14 - 18
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