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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Incident At The Super Save Mart - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Incident At The Super Save Mart - WT  (currently 1418 views)
stevie
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Technically no one was lying and it wasn't meant to be a comedy but I guess you did it ok so I'l let that go.



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ScottM
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Great Job writer, I thought that was a really funny entry.

The homo line was pure gold but I laughed several times.

There are some really obvious mistakes but you will easily see them if you go through your script again.

Well done.

Sorry I just read the previous comment and kind of disagree. The part about it having to be a comedy, because it is still a Sci-fi, comedy or not.

You will struggle to find a sci-fi that isn't automatically something else as well. Sci-fi/comedy, Sci-fi/horror, Sci-fi/action. I think this statement is true for almost every genre.

You laugh in dramas, you cry in comedies, there are horror comedies and comedies that are scary. Where do you draw the line that something is too much of another thing?

That got a bit ranty, sorry


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Incident At The Super Save Mart

Short notes: Unfortunately, I quickly felt this does not work as a story experience for the screen. Then it dragged along with the same plotting around his illness over and over and I wished you'd go on to something else. I hoped for a great ending which then eventually didn't deliver. Your topic was so hard and at least you have found a certain way through which is an accomplishment on its own here.

story (0-5): 2

character (0-5): 2

presentation (0-5): 3

total: 7



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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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A bright streak of light ignites the sky. The falling ball of fire plummets to the Earth and crashes behind a dumpster in the back of a SUPER SAVE MART.
This isn't written terribly or anything, but there's a redundancy to it that really weakens the passage:
-"plummets" already implies falling. Delete "falling" and the sentence flows much better.
-"to The Earth" is similarly unnecessary here, though it's not as bad as the above... again, delete it and you'll lose nothing. The passage will only read better.

TOMMY, a pimple faced, braces wearing teenager
-Pimply and pimpled are words. I would use them, but if not, do hyphenate "pimple-faced."
-Hyphenate "brace-wearing," though I'd argue that simply "with braces" would work better, as in... "a pimply teenager with braces."

Vine like should be vine-like. Please, watch those hyphens like your life depends on it. It reads really poorly when writers don't apply them properly.

No need to worry about me human. This dialogue lacks a direct-address comma. I see this mistake with a lot of writers on here and it drives me absolutely nuts. Should be "... about me, human."

Rulebook is a word. Rule book is not. OK, I'll stop.

There are a lot of grammatical errors and typos beyond just these ones, so I'd definitely suggest a thorough revision down the line (understandable given the time limit). Story time...

Maybe I misunderstood this, but I thought the "asteroid" crashed behind a dumpster, in which case it could not possibly be an asteroid under any circumstances, as the noise and damage would have been gigantic and would have attracted countless onlookers. I think you probably meant for it to be a smaller rock, like a meteorite (asteroids are the size of small planets...).

The description also says the rock falls "behind" a dumpster... but dumpsters are usually against a wall of some sort. Could use some clarity here.

Tommy pisses himself and neither Carl nor Andrew ever notice or smell it. Weird. If you're not going to do anything with that, you may as well delete that he soils himself.

I did like Andrew's increasingly worried reactions to Tommy's body decomposition, and Tommy's nonchalant attitude to it. I did laugh, despite the grossness.

The ending felt like a bit of an anti-climax to me, personally. It was just a repetition of what happened to Tommy.

Still, the script did make me laugh despite my misgivings about it.
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