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Not sure that INTERMISSION is a time of day., I know it's gnna sound odd in a 48hr challenge, but, the work feels rushed, at least on the dialogue side of things. It feels like filler, as is if you wanted to expand a 4 page script to a 5 page script and you had fifteen minutes or less before the deadline.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
I just wanna get you back for all
you’ve done to me.
CARL
Don’t you mean done for me?
Too OTN. Took me away from the tension.
Code
The symphony halls looms in the distance.
Typo.
Code
LISA
You sound like a psychopathic.
Awkwardly phrased.
Code
CARL
I’M NOT A FUCKIN’ PSYCHOPATHIC!
Same again.
Code
NEWSCASTER
A local man was placed into custody
today after he had a suspected
psychiatric episode.
A newscaster wouldn't get it wrong. The man had a psychotic episode.
Code
NEWSCASTER
A local man was placed into custody
today after he had a suspected
psychiatric episode. His wife
placed a 5150 on him until he can
receive further psychiatric
evaluation.
In fact, all of this is off for a Newscaster.
His entire plan rested upon his brother being bothered by a security guard's lazy eye. Not the best. Mostly well written but the story falls apart.
The only thing - if Carl knows Dennis is to set him up why he would get psychotic? That's too easy and doesn't ring true. Might add something there to make it plausible. One moment he's thanking him, next he suspects Dennis set him up...
I had fun seeing that Dennis is cracked. And the last scene was a lot of fun. could have made the first one funnier - it's your opening and it's a way too serious. It has to have a comedic promise I think.
Dialogue was on the nose a bit too often, and I agree with Dustin that the plot point of the lazy eye seems forced. And the modifier, something that takes place in a symphony hall, is random here as compared to the competing script in which the symphony hall is the entire setting.
A few typos throughout made me pause. You're instead of your and vice-versa. Those kinds of things. A handful of times, the dialogue becomes incomprehensible due to these typos: Sorry, Dennis gotta get back to the best fuckin� show on Earth. Here, Carl seems like he's literally apologizing because Dennis has to get back, which I know is not what the writer meant. Mistakes like these can kill a script. The very end of the script is also fucked up. You FADE OUT with a colon, then have blank page.
Overall, the writing truly wasn't horrible, but having this amount of errors in a 5-page screenplay is really, really pushing it. I get that there was a time-limit, but the errors were too frequent not to mention.
I don't get the psychopathic line. Psycho, psychopath, sure. Psychopathic? I've never heard it like that.
Some of the lines in this were chuckle-worthy, didn't laugh out loud, but it wasn't dead on arrival or anything.
Technically, this is funnier than its competitor, but I'm not too sure who to give the vote to because this one's also less polished.
While I liked the overall premise - the device to cause insanity (a lazy eye) seemed an odd choice. Didn't seem like the type of thing that would put one over the edge.
Lol I like how the symphony hall is just thrown in there for the challenge. I kept thinking about the Beach Boys when I read Carl and Dennis!! Anyway you had a bit of fun with this.
It was pretty good, but, I felt the other one was funnier. I guess it's a case of the comedy in the other was better than this one, again, IMO.
It was a pretty solid story, but, I don't know why that bugged him so much. Perhaps if we had some sort of precursor as to why he'd flip out, it'd make more sense.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
I know it's a comedy but it was just too outlandish for me. The entire plan relies on a lazy eye driving someone insane. I assumed the eye was one of the challenge parameters but I see it's Symphony Hall. I can't get past the eye thing, apparently neither could Carl.
Very blah? Just didn't click for me. Seemed too rushed as characters were always in some busy hurry so never got a sense for the story, if there was one. Just a guy annoyed by a guard's lazy eye? Not much meat on that bone.