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Loneliest Man on Earth - WT (currently 3590 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:25am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
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| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Steven |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:35am |
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New
LocationSouthern California Posts466 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Helicopter "blades" is what you were looking for.
Irises = Arises?
So the military or whoever were just waiting for someone to type "is anyone out there" into google, and kidnap them?
Either way, I liked it.
3/5 |
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Reply: 1 - 22 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:05pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
And - off to a good start.
Quoted Text OBSIDIAN STRUCTURE |
I had to google that - may want a more common term.
typo? Loved the premise of what he searches for (types in Google) vs. what he finds. Solid effort |
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Reply: 2 - 22 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:41pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
A bit fragmented but I liked it. Definitely feels compressed to fit one page but the arc is complete. Very cool ending - great work. |
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Reply: 3 - 22 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:47pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Pretty ambitious for a one-pager, but a fairly decent story. Some of it I wasn’t sure about, like the hazmat guys, and what the actual connection is between the Being and the protagonist, but a good job here.
Best of luck, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 4 - 22 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:29pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This feels like a dream sequence whereby John has fallen asleep at his computer. Not sure if I've got it.
Still an interesting read. |
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Reply: 5 - 22 |
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HyperMatt |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:33pm |
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New
LocationLondon, UK Posts440 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Didn't get the ending. It is ambitious and would be very expensive. The descriptions are a bit poetic for me but others love that. |
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Reply: 6 - 22 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:41pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Quoted Text This feels like a dream sequence whereby John has fallen asleep at his computer. Not sure if I've got it. |
I think I would've liked this if it ended up being a dream sequence, and the last shot is of John asleep at his computer. I dunno, just me. IRISES OPEN...I believe that this isn't a typo, because I imagine a door that spirals open/closed like a camera shutter, or the doorways in the ventilation system in the movie ALIEN, like this: I did like this story though. It was good for a one-pager, very ambitious too. Steven brings up a good point about why the military or whomever were waiting for someone to type "Is anyone out there?" into the search bar, but since the limit seems to be one page this time, I think you did a good job with it all. Good descriptions, too. |
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Reply: 7 - 22 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:44pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Some good elements in here but read too much like prose in places for me. |
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Reply: 8 - 22 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:22pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Loneliest Man On Earth
A daydreamer, or not? A too vague expression for me. 2 |
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Reply: 9 - 22 |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:59pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I thought I knew what was going on, but to be honest, I was a little confused by the ending.
It’s still an enjoyable read. I think you tried to get a hell of a lot onto one page. |
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Reply: 10 - 22 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 9:31am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Haha, this is funny. He types "is anyone out there" and of course - it's the swat team with guns looking for him as if he's the most wanted on planet Earth. Who'll save him from them? Nobody unless a big extraterrestrial wants to take that mission and here it is. Yeah, go with your imagination, the wilder the better! I liked this quite a bit. |
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Reply: 11 - 22 |
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DanC |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:02pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Wow
SPOILERS
His match made in heaven is literally from the heavens. I think this is a gem, it has flaws, but, it's really ambitious.
I think the middle was confusing. I don't know if you can somehow get it across that the military came to him to whisk him away to see a spaceship about a date. How would they know that it came from him?
Am I reading this wrong, or was the ship already there and they (the military) are waiting for it to tell them who to bring? That part was very confusing.
But, overall, pretty cool. Solid 3 from me. If the middle made sense, I'd have given this a 5. You really told a whole 60 min story in a 1 page outline. Fix that up and wow, good job.
Dan |
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Reply: 12 - 22 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 6:56pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Wow, I thought I try to shove too much into a short. It is ambitious. I think maybe just work out some clearer connection with the military showing up right after his computer does that thing. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 13 - 22 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 7:15pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
I didn’t love it, I didn’t hate it.
I can’t say with 100% certainty that I fully understood it. So is that your purpose, is it just not clear enough for me to understand, or I'm I not smart enough? Who knows.
Nice attempt but didn’t quiet get there for me.
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Reply: 14 - 22 |
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