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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Loneliest Man on Earth - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Loneliest Man on Earth - WT  (currently 3590 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Loneliest Man on Earth by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - 0 - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Steven
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Helicopter "blades" is what you were looking for.

Irises = Arises?

So the military or whoever were just waiting for someone to type "is anyone out there" into google, and kidnap them?

Either way, I liked it.

3/5
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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And - off to a good start.


Quoted Text
OBSIDIAN STRUCTURE


I had to google that - may want a more common term.


Quoted Text
IRISES OPEN-


typo?

Loved the premise of what he searches for (types in Google) vs. what he finds.

Solid effort


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A bit fragmented but I liked it. Definitely feels compressed to fit one page but the arc is complete. Very cool ending - great work.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty ambitious for a one-pager, but a fairly decent story. Some of it I wasn’t sure about, like the hazmat guys, and what the actual connection is between the Being and the protagonist, but a good job here.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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jayrex
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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This feels like a dream sequence whereby John has fallen asleep at his computer.  Not sure if I've got it.

Still an interesting read.


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HyperMatt
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't get the ending. It is ambitious and would be very expensive. The descriptions are a bit poetic for me but others love that.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
This feels like a dream sequence whereby John has fallen asleep at his computer.  Not sure if I've got it.


I think I would've liked this if it ended up being a dream sequence, and the last shot is of John asleep at his computer. I dunno, just me.

IRISES OPEN...I believe that this isn't a typo, because I imagine a door that spirals open/closed like a camera shutter, or the doorways in the ventilation system in the movie ALIEN, like this:



I did like this story though. It was good for a one-pager, very ambitious too. Steven brings up a good point about why the military or whomever were waiting for someone to type "Is anyone out there?" into the search bar, but since the limit seems to be one page this time, I think you did a good job with it all. Good descriptions, too.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Some good elements in here but read too much like prose in places for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Loneliest Man On Earth

A daydreamer, or not? A too vague expression for me.
2



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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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I thought I knew what was going on, but to be honest, I was a little confused by the ending.

It’s still an enjoyable read. I think you tried to get a hell of a lot onto one page.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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khamanna
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Haha, this is funny. He types "is anyone out there" and of course - it's the swat team with guns looking for him as if he's the most wanted on planet Earth. Who'll save him from them? Nobody unless a big extraterrestrial wants to take that mission and here it is.
Yeah, go with your imagination, the wilder the better!
I liked this quite a bit.
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DanC
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Wow

SPOILERS

His match made in heaven is literally from the heavens.  I think this is a gem, it has flaws, but, it's really ambitious.

I think the middle was confusing.  I don't know if you can somehow get it across that the military came to him to whisk him away to see a spaceship about a date.  How would they know that it came from him?

Am I reading this wrong, or was the ship already there and they (the military) are waiting for it to tell them who to bring?  That part was very confusing.

But, overall, pretty cool.  Solid 3 from me.  If the middle made sense, I'd have given this a 5.  You really told a whole 60 min story in a 1 page outline.  Fix that up and wow, good job.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I thought I try to shove too much into a short. It is ambitious. I think maybe just work out some clearer connection with the military showing up right after his computer does that thing.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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I didn’t love it, I didn’t hate it.

I can’t say with 100% certainty that I fully understood it. So is that your purpose, is it just not clear enough for me to understand, or I'm I not smart enough? Who knows.

Nice attempt but didn’t quiet get there for me.


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