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Love Me Tinder - WT (currently 2058 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:34am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Love Me Tinder by 0 - Short, Drama - Be careful who you reject. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - April 2nd, 2018, 11:54am | | |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:35pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
Pretty good. Maybe add some hint there's something off about her at the start - as in psycho. I liked a good bloody revenge though. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 1 - 16 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
As they used to say on Monty Python, and now for something completely different. Liked the line “I always swipe right.” Not sure I would call this a drama, but whatevs. Good writing on display.
Best, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 2 - 16 |
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jayrex |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:27pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Not bad, this one has a comedic edge to it. |
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Reply: 3 - 16 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:33pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I liked Jenny's last line. Overall, good little short. Makes me wonder how nonchalant Jenny really is to kill someone and then just go back to business at a crowded bar. Psycho, indeed. |
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Reply: 4 - 16 |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 7:36pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
It's a bit coincidental to your story that Nathan got jenny's profile in his list at the exact point he looks at it, and she’s there in the bar. Not really how the app works. Long-time Tinder user here Makes you think she’s done this before, but if she’s just killing in the street, how is she getting away with it? A few logic issues. Didn’t do a whole lot for me. |
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Reply: 5 - 16 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:37am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Not bad but I had no idea what Tinder was. Maybe another victim of the page count but a short description of what swiping left vs. right would mean to these singles would be a big help. Jenny's intro should be capitalized and the interior location headings could have been part of an action to save space for more detail.
All in all, a decent little short. |
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Reply: 6 - 16 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:51am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Excellent title. I don't know how I know what Tinder is, but I do. A few minor things I'd edit, plus I'd drop the last paragraph and end instead with her "I always swipe right" line. Thumbs up. |
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Reply: 7 - 16 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:23pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Love Me Tinder
Very cool and modern. Definitely works. It has a lot to offer. Wrong genre reference from my sight though. Ahh whatever, this can happen… 5 |
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Reply: 8 - 16 |
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ajr |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 5:32pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Definitely not drama. It's a bit too... out there to be considered drama. Horror / comedy, yes. Title was a cool play on words. Another script that didn't FADE IN and FADE OUT. I'm finding these hard to judge because they're basically ideas, and some are good ones, however like in this case, there's no way to plausibly set up the woman as a psycho murderer. |
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Reply: 9 - 16 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 6:20pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Is no fade in or fade out bending the rules or cheating them? This script would have undoubtedly hit the two page mark if it had them on the page.
Anyway...
She killed a guy in the smoking area of a nightclub with at least one witness. I am guessing we are to assume this isn’t the first time? I think you either need to lose the witness or make this feel more like a spur of the moment, one-off to make this work.
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Reply: 10 - 16 |
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RJP |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:30pm |
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Posts69 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
I like the concept. The writing needs to be cleaned up a bit.
I feel like the whole "swipe right" with a knife thing is so cool that some producer is going to stumble upon your script and steal it! Make it a set piece in a feature of something ha ha ha.
I'd say don't change your style-- tighten up the prose a little bit and... good job! |
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Reply: 11 - 16 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 4:50am |
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January Project Group
Posts4194 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
It's punchy and quite entertaining. I gave it a rating of 4. |
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Reply: 12 - 16 |
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LC |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:58am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Imh, this is horror not drama.
NATHAN Yeah, look at you. Who wouldn’t?
Nathan should register some shock before this line. He hadn't seen her before this in the actual nightclub, right?
I like the social commentary, cautionary tale/fatal attraction theme of this one. No-one likes being rejected.
Nice work. P.S. The title is great.
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Reply: 13 - 16 |
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CameronD |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:28pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
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Reply: 14 - 16 |
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SAC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 10:53am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Writer,
Definitely not the reveal I was expecting. Kinda came out of nowhere, and was a bit abrupt. Just a line of dialogue to clue us into her motivation. I don’t think it works. Good attempt though.
Steve |
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Reply: 15 - 16 |
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DanC |
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 1:43pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
It's a 3. All reviews done. All but one I had rated average or better.
Dan |
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Reply: 16 - 16 |
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