SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:09am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Stroke - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Stroke - WT  (currently 2130 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:36am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Stroke by 0 - Short, Drama - A mother is reunited with her dead son. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Gary in Houston
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
That was a bit unusual. I’m sure I know what happened, but I’m not sure of the connection of the colors.  You’re wrapped in colors when you die, perhaps?  Was a little bit of a jump for me that she would wish that she was dead (I think that’s what was happeneing) and then it suddenly happens.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
HyperMatt
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
London, UK
Posts
440
Posts Per Day
0.17
Was it a dream or a seance? Certainly an interesting piece with a great mood set. Like.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
JEStaats
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
No great surprise or reveal. Good writing and intent. It just didn't resonate with me.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 19
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Dialogue a little OTN for me and no real explanation for why she joins Josh now...


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 19
khamanna
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
The main thing is what she says at the beginning. She's too upfront about "reuniting" for my tastes. She could just say things about her son that would make us understand that. And the ending would have a punch then and won't be so expected. You just need to tweak that piece of dialog I think.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.02
So the strange sequence is her having a stroke?

This one really wasn’t for me.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
Warren
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
I'm not sure what to make of this one.

Would probably play out better on screen.

Not a bad effort.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:49am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1547
Posts Per Day
0.23
I liked this one. It was a heartwarming story despite the very end. It was a bit hard for me to imagine the colors, so I'd love to see this one filmed and see how the director portrays her 'stroke'. I thought the dialogue was fine too.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
My question is, Would we know this is a stroke without the title? At first, I thought we were seeing the wife's recurring dream or some sort of sleep-paralysis disorder in which the dreamer believes she's moving around. Maybe it doesn't matter that much.
The description of the stroke (colors etc.) was well handled, I thought.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Stroke

Don't like the intro - Wife should be Andrea from the start…
Otherwise, Wow, you presented that visual demanding plot very qualified on the page. I liked the expression and all. Some CGI guys would have a lot of fun designing that certain realm.
5



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
FrankM
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
About the colors, we're obviously experiencing the breakdown of her senses from her point of view... but it isn't clear when we switch from observing from the "outside" to observing from the "inside." That's probably intentional, but it's also confusing.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
RJP
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:05am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
69
Posts Per Day
0.03
I like getting my mind effed every now and then and your script did a good job of that.

I'm not a fan of the line "When will I get peace." I don't know, just doesn't seem like something a grieving mother would say to her husband. It sort of seems like something she would say on a news broadcast if her son was murdered but the cops couldn't find the body or something...

Overall, I really liked it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 19
LC
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 5:10am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
Not bad.  The title suggests she dies after suffering a stroke and meets her son again. But, hmm, on screen I'm not sure this has enough legs to be impactful.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 10:20am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Dialogue was a wee bit OTN

Writing otherwise pretty good

The ending was just okay for me - you knew it was coming.

A lot packed into one page.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
CameronD
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
542
Posts Per Day
0.14
Strange.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
http://www.SchismSEO.com Separate from your competition. Affordable SEO services
http://www.MyEasyGifter.com Because nobody likes receiving gift cards
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 19
jayrex
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
This is a story that really needed the title otherwise I wouldn't have got it by the story alone.  It was decent overall.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 16 - 19
ajr
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 6:17am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
I think the writer was challenged by the 1 page constraint and for that perhaps failed to deliver on the mother's pain, however I respect the effort and the overall theme here.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 19
DanC
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
It didn't make a connection with me.  Solid 3.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 19
SAC
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Gee, I liked this one, and it begs for more. This was colorful and visual, and appeals to my sensibilities anyway. Very good job!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006