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I had read it as all the action being confined to the car (as opposed to the characters being literally trapped), but on a second read I think I agree with your take on the parameters.
Pretty minor, since once they were underway it wasn't like the deputy could leave them alone.
It doesn't say anything about needing to be trapped in the parameters.
Quoted from sean
They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile).
So that's to be read as the characters must stay in the vehicle for the duration of the story. That's simply it. It's even clarified in brackets, for eff's sake.
If I may speak for Sean, he might have misspoke outside of the parentheticals. I think he meant the action must be confined to the automobile which is what "no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile" means. Not confined as in trapped. That's how I chose to interpret it.
Great ending. I really liked what you did with Cecil and how he ended up. All that bravado yet he is just a coward on every level. The first few pages were great too. I do think the dialogue could use some tightening up. I suspect, but may be wrong, that you got caught between 4 and 8 pages. As in, too much material for 4 but not quite enough for 8, so you had to stretch it.
I'd look at where Cecil is describing in detail exactly what he's going to do to them. Between that and them interrupting with some variation of "Let me go" numerous times, it gets a bit repetitive.
Also, pg. 6-7, Cecil launches into this thing about wanting to be at home and how his hatred serves a purpose for a White Mississippi... I didn't really get anything new out of that, felt to me like the conversation had run its course by that point.
Anyways, that's nitpick stuff. Very solid writing overall.
'starts to whimper.' 'Whimpers' would suffice on a new line.
I'm being picky obviously but isn't the correct term: Deputy Sheriff? Sheriff Deputy reads a little awkwardly to me as does: INT. 1964 SHERIFF PATROL CAR - (PARKED) - NIGHT as the opening slug. Does 1964 refer to the model of car? At first I thought you meant the inclusion of the year as a Super, but that appeared a little further down.
This is so well written and the true events authentically reproduced that I think the final transition before we cut to Cecil in his car alone with his revolver and the newspaper headline could be improved upon.
It's a strong piece as is but if I imagine watching this I think it cries out for a FADE to white. That would add another layer of gravity and atmosphere, and create a moment of reflection/a solemn breather before the final transition and denouement.
In smaller counties with only two ranks, the elected chief law enforcement officer is the Sheriff and his/her sworn officers are each known as a "Sheriff's Deputy" or "Deputy Sheriff." The newspaper headline toward the end uses the correct term, so I'd look at the earlier mention as more of a typo than anything else.
I'm wondering why the writer chose this particular incident for his script. It's already been the subject of a Best Picture movie, several documentaries, books, folk songs, etc.
The only reason I can see for doing so would be to offer something new. I assume the something new is an account of the conversation among the four people (with their real names used) inside the patrol car on the way to the murder site.
Unfortunately, the deputy's dialogue is about the same as every other nasty racist character ever portrayed in movies (most recently, "Mudbound"). The victims' dialogue is cliched as well -- "they'll be looking for us...please let us go...I won't tell...you'll never get away with this."
The overall writing itself is serviceable, workmanlike, although the pacing seems a bit off, which results in a too-abrupt ending.
My two cents were stolen, so these belong to someone else (and since I’m told I can’t think for myself in any event, it doesn’t matter whose money I’m using):
1. Great writing on display here in terms of technique, pacing, etc. Very easy to read. 2. That’s not to confuse with an equal level on story. Make no mistake, the story is crafted just fine, but it’s a story that’s been told several times over. Not sure what is new here other than the perspective that you bring to the table, and maybe that’s enough. It was solid nonetheless. 3. Interesting that you focused on the deputy cowardice at the end. Made for an interesting contrast with his bombastic nature at the beginning. 4. Being from the Deep South myself and having lived there during these turbulent times, I felt an emotional connection with what was happening in the story, so good on you there.
Great effort here. Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Great visuals, solid tension throughout. Someone must have watched Mississippi Burning recently, or actually lived through this dark blotch on our past. Or both. I could easily see this scene fitting very well into that film.
Let’s see if I can find something to critique, so that the short can be even better than it is.
Gonna read it again, and see what I can find. I’ll be right back.
Okay. Done.
I’m not sure why you have the story beat of the Sheriff stopping the car, waiting, checking his watch. Nothing really comes of this, and it’s never explained. I’m assuming he’s waiting for night, or help, but it’s just an assumption.
“The other clanging sound is the chains.” Redundant. You already told us it was chains.
Okay, so Cecil explains very plainly that they’re about to dig their own graves. At this point, I’d believe him. Which means, for me, I’d rather he shoot me right there. Point is, the revolver’s no longer the threat it was.
I like the turn of the courage/lack of courage moment. Though, I did wonder if Cecil would still be out and about after being indicted (long enough after the indictment that a newspaper had time to print the story.) I don’t know these things, so, I could be very wrong.
Last note. If you were going to rewrite at all, consider looking for ways to add more depth to Cecil earlier. He was at his most interesting as he started justifying. Before then, he was pretty much just a caricature of the typical redneck sheriff. (Not that most sheriffs in the south weren’t just that at the time.)
Overall, nicely done. The scores reflected the quality. Obviously the best.
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