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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  A Southern Night - WT R4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    A Southern Night - WT R4  (currently 3107 views)
FrankM
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
Spoilers

The cop wasn't trapped in the car.


I had read it as all the action being confined to the car (as opposed to the characters being literally trapped), but on a second read I think I agree with your take on the parameters.

Pretty minor, since once they were underway it wasn't like the deputy could leave them alone.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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It doesn't say anything about needing to be trapped in the parameters.


Quoted from sean
They must be confined to an automobile (no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile).


So that's to be read as the characters must stay in the vehicle for the duration of the story. That's simply it. It's even clarified in brackets, for eff's sake.

.
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ajr
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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If I may speak for Sean, he might have misspoke outside of the parentheticals. I think he meant the action must be confined to the automobile which is what "no part of the script takes place outside of an automobile" means. Not confined as in trapped. That's how I chose to interpret it.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Powerful subject matter and very well told script.

One nit-pick,  I think the term 'end you' is a modern one, could be wrong of course.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 17th, 2018, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Great ending. I really liked what you did with Cecil and how he ended up. All that bravado yet he is just a coward on every level. The first few pages were great too. I do think the dialogue could use some tightening up. I suspect, but may be wrong, that you got caught between 4 and 8 pages. As in, too much material for 4 but not quite enough for 8, so you had to stretch it.

I'd look at where Cecil is describing in detail exactly what he's going to do to them. Between that and them interrupting with some variation of "Let me go" numerous times, it gets a bit repetitive.

Also, pg. 6-7, Cecil launches into this thing about wanting to be at home and how his hatred serves a purpose for a White Mississippi... I didn't really get anything new out of that, felt to me like the conversation had run its course by that point.

Anyways, that's nitpick stuff. Very solid writing overall.


That rug really tied the room together.
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LC
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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'That other clinging sound is the
chains...'

That'd be 'clanging' I reckon. Probably a typo.

'starts to whimper.'
'Whimpers' would suffice on a new line.

I'm being picky obviously but isn't the correct term: Deputy Sheriff? Sheriff Deputy reads a little awkwardly to me as does: INT. 1964 SHERIFF PATROL CAR - (PARKED) - NIGHT as the opening slug. Does 1964 refer to the model of car? At first I thought you meant the inclusion of the year as a Super, but that appeared a little further down.

This is so well written and the true events authentically reproduced that I think the final transition before we cut to Cecil in his car alone with his revolver and the newspaper headline could be improved upon.

It's a strong piece as is but if I imagine watching this I think it cries out for a FADE to white. That would add another layer of gravity and atmosphere, and create a moment of reflection/a solemn breather before the final transition and denouement.

Great job.


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FrankM
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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In smaller counties with only two ranks, the elected chief law enforcement officer is the Sheriff and his/her sworn officers are each known as a "Sheriff's Deputy" or "Deputy Sheriff." The newspaper headline toward the end uses the correct term, so I'd look at the earlier mention as more of a typo than anything else.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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jayrex
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Good story.  I like it, well told.  I'd vote for this one too.


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Stumpzian
Posted: April 19th, 2018, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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I'm wondering why the writer chose this particular incident for his script. It's already been the subject of a Best Picture movie, several documentaries, books, folk songs, etc.

The only reason I can see for doing so would be to offer something new. I assume the something new is an account of the conversation among the four people (with their real names used) inside the patrol car on the way to the murder site.

Unfortunately, the deputy's dialogue is about the same as every other nasty racist character ever portrayed in movies (most recently, "Mudbound"). The victims' dialogue is cliched as well -- "they'll be looking for us...please let us go...I won't tell...you'll never get away with this."

The overall writing itself is serviceable, workmanlike, although the pacing seems a bit off, which results in a too-abrupt ending.



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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 19th, 2018, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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My two cents were stolen, so these belong to someone else (and since I’m told I can’t think for myself in any event, it doesn’t matter whose money I’m using):

1. Great writing on display here in terms of technique, pacing, etc. Very easy to read.
2. That’s not to confuse with an equal level on story.  Make no mistake, the story is crafted just fine, but it’s a story that’s been told several times over.  Not sure what is new here other than the perspective that you bring to the table, and maybe that’s enough. It was solid nonetheless.
3. Interesting that you focused on the deputy cowardice at the end.  Made for an interesting contrast with his bombastic nature at the beginning.
4. Being from the Deep South myself and having lived there during these turbulent times, I felt an emotional connection with what was happening in the story, so good on you there.

Great effort here.  
Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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What story hasn't been told several times over?

There are only so many... they just get repeated over and over again.

I could say the same thing about every story on this site.
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SAC
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 6:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Great visuals, solid tension throughout. Someone must have watched Mississippi Burning recently, or actually lived through this dark blotch on our past. Or both. I could easily see this scene fitting very well into that film.

I’ve read three so far. This is clearly the best.

Steve



Revision History (1 edits)
SAC  -  April 20th, 2018, 6:29am
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PKCardinal
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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Let’s see if I can find something to critique, so that the short can be even better than it is.

Gonna read it again, and see what I can find. I’ll be right back.

Okay. Done.

I’m not sure why you have the story beat of the Sheriff stopping the car, waiting, checking his watch. Nothing really comes of this, and it’s never explained. I’m assuming he’s waiting for night, or help, but it’s just an assumption.

“The other clanging sound is the chains.” Redundant. You already told us it was chains.

Okay, so Cecil explains very plainly that they’re about to dig their own graves. At this point, I’d believe him. Which means, for me, I’d rather he shoot me right there. Point is, the revolver’s no longer the threat it was.

I like the turn of the courage/lack of courage moment. Though, I did wonder if Cecil would still be out and about after being indicted (long enough after the indictment that a newspaper had time to print the story.) I don’t know these things, so, I could be very wrong.

Last note. If you were going to rewrite at all, consider looking for ways to add more depth to Cecil earlier. He was at his most interesting as he started justifying. Before then, he was pretty much just a caricature of the typical redneck sheriff. (Not that most sheriffs in the south weren’t just that at the time.)

Overall, nicely done. The scores reflected the quality. Obviously the best.


PaulKWrites.com

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The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
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