SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 8:34am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Next Stop, Salvation - WT R4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Next Stop, Salvation - WT R4  (currently 2574 views)
Gary in Houston
Posted: April 19th, 2018, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
My two cents, which according to some people, is about all my opinion is worth around here:

1. The writing is solid. Good and clean, a couple of places where you could make change to spruce it up, but overall very well drafted.

2. Story wise, I think it ran out of steam at the end. I felt that the ending was just a bit simplistic. Drive into storm, monster attacks, drive out of storm attack abruptly ends. If you’re going to incorporate a monster into this script, I figure out a way for Linden to finish him off. Now if this were part of a larger piece, I could live with that as the ending of Act One, for example, but probably not here.  Still, some nice action sequences on display here.

3. Characters. For me, this is the weakest part of the script, as I don’t feel like I wound up knowing anything about them. I think you kind of hinted around at some things, like Linden giving Mac a somewhat intimate hug or the scar on Kane’s face, but these were more surfacey  details and I’d like something more that attaches me to these characters.

Overall, very good effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 21
SAC
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 6:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

This has, for me, a sort of Road Warrior vibe about it. Desolate wasteland, big vehicle... The only issue was I don’t think the question of WHY these people needed picking up in the first place was answered. I think without that, then they are just “there” to get you the right amount of characters. The other thing - this seemed very short for everything that was going on. Meaning, hate to say it, it reads more like a quick scene rather than a whole story. That said - I was entertained despite all of that. Loved the final shot of the town’s name. Very good.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 21
PKCardinal
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 10:35am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I read this several times, then read the comments. I’ll try not to waste your time by doubling up on others’ comments regarding the technical details.

I thought this was well written. You did a great job with the description.

I’m torn by the pace. On one hand, I like scripts that take time to world build. On the other hand, while reading, I was leaning forward, past the first two pages. In hindsight, I wonder if the first two pages might be better spent on character relationships than world-building. I say that because, we’ve seen this world before and can quickly recognize where we are, but at the end of the script, I didn’t feel connected to the characters. Judging by Linden’s reaction (tears of joy), she wasn’t all that connected to them either.

Love the storm idea. Action was well written and well concieved. Overall, a very nice job. Should have advanced you, instead of me.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 21
eldave1
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Warren - here were my comments. Hope they help.

The pace was great. It really moved along. The scenes were vivid.

Some nit issues:


Quoted Text
LINDEN, 30, gas mask on, in the ragged remains of military uniform. A large backpack hangs on her shoulders beside an M16 rifle.


Like I said - a nit  issue, but Linden is so uncommon a name didn’t know the gender of the character. Obviously – quickly cleared up. But better if we know right off.

For the rewrite - she rushes in from nowhere – would like to see what she rushes in from. Know that you could not do that within the parameters given. Great opportunity to show more of the world here now that you're free of the restrictions.

I got a little confused her why Linden has her mask on but when Mac opens the bus door he doesn’t don his mask first. The air is contaminated enough for him to have a mask and for her to wear one - wouldn't he have to/want to put his on when he opens the door (i.e., the air would rush in)?  


Quoted Text
Mac weaves through the stationary traffic.


I would add a - Linden fast asleep here. Have him glance at her - good chance to show his feelings towards her.


Quoted Text
OPERATOR (V.O.)
I don't want to alarm you, but the satellite's showing a storm headed your way. It’s small at the moment, but I really think you should come back soon.


Didn't ’t like the first line – he does want to alarm him really. I would delete it – just start with The satellite’s showing…I know it's picky - but it struck me that the Radio guy did want to alarm them.


Quoted Text
They to have rifles and backpacks that seem to weigh heavily on their shoulders.


Should be "too" – not to.  Also I think better as:   Their rifles and backpacks weigh heavily on their shoulders.

Also – same gender issue here – is Cody male or female?

Never mind - got it.


Quoted Text
The creature motions towards Linden.


Could use something more ominous than motions here (creeps? Slithers?)

At the end of the story – Mac and Linden are a little too happy for themselves given that their friends have died.  If it were me, I'd only have one of the twins die, - ergo creating the need for them to console the survivor at the end of the journey.

Overall – I thought this was real solid. You created a frightening new world, there was a nice level of tension throughout.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 21
Warren
Posted: April 20th, 2018, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks to everyone that read and commented on this.

You've given me some very valuable feedback that I will definitely be using in a rewrite.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 21
DanielW
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 12:47am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Melbourne, Australia
Posts
68
Posts Per Day
0.03
Warren,

You’re here to entertain and this solid ‘Mad Mac’ (Mad Max) story was very entertaining.

Cheers,

Daniel
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 21
Warren
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 12:52am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Thanks for the read, Daniel.

Glad you enjoyed it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 21
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006