Quoted from JEStaats I'm right there with you, Kham. I thought this was very strong and once I got my head around the cuts, it wasn't confusing at all. I loved the reveal/ending of the candidate losing control from the pressure and needing medication. Especially the candidates staff not relishing the victory and knowing the long road ahead of them.

I think maybe you're confused about the script. Either you or me lol. There were no "time cuts" at all. The gunfight never happened...the elevator was the closet that she was cowering in. It was all in her imagination.

He was never called to protect her from an assassin, he was called to give her the medication because she feels comfortable around him.

That's why I mentioned in my notes that there was plot issues. Because the action sometimes strays away from her...and it's her dream.

Hello you,

I like the title, clear choice for a thriller.

Logline could be better.

Clearly, with the beginning of page 8, a complicated concept starts.

Especially at page 10, I personally would have wanted, and needed, a better slugwork from you. At that place it's really hard to follow and you haven't guided me well enough.

As I see it, there's an alternate reality (the elevator assassination plotline vs no combat hide in the closet plotline) but I cannot clearly say what the sense behind it is. Especially the final impression of those realities/non-realities, the context and what should stay with me after having "seen" the story, is not clear to me.

Coming to the positive: I like how you treated the main characters. Many of the dialogues work very well. The action sequence was all right. Also, an interesting setting you've chosen. I didn't see any typos at all, the page looks super-clean.

Another theory is that Elizabeth in the closet is the only "real" one, who has some kind of mental delusions and just makes that whole other plotline up in her head. But if so, the whole pill angle wasn't established enough.

Not a fan of the semi cliche opening. Really, it adds nothing to the story.

Ok, so it seems both scripts had a theme revolving around 2nd amendment and a presidential election. Was not aware so both scripts make more sense now.

However, this reads just as one big action scene. There is not much more to it than that.

Eh.

I gave this one one high marks for (1) the complexity of what the writer attempted, and (2) the degree of success he achieved. However, the degree of success here was a bit less than in the other script.

Quoted from RJP I think maybe you're confused about the script. Either you or me lol. There were no "time cuts" at all. The gunfight never happened...the elevator was the closet that she was cowering in. It was all in her imagination. He was never called to protect her from an assassin, he was called to give her the medication because she feels comfortable around him. That's why I mentioned in my notes that there was plot issues. Because the action sometimes strays away from her...and it's her dream.

Glad that I wasn't the only one confused by it.  That was the main reason that I voted the way I did.  I think the fact that there have been at least 3 ideas as to what the ending meant, for me, tells me that it wasn't written clearly enough.

Dan

Yeah, I used 'time cuts' for lack of a better term. I totally get that the gunfight was in her imagination and that he was called to give meds and comfort. Placing 'dream sequence' would ruin any reveal.

I still think this, if filmed, would be a great little emotional short that would leave the viewer thinking about what the future would hold. A doped up President capable of losing it at any moment. Wouldn't you just love to be on her staff?

A difficult concept to put on paper. Pity it didn't come across better.

I also knew she imagined stuff. And I prefer the writer went the other route and killed the guy - but that's just preference thing.

I really enjoyed this. Some great writing on display and some extremely hard parameters to write within, so congrats on getting it done.

I’ve read both scripts at this point and I think both are very worthy. I don’t dislike this one by any means. I just like the other one better.

My only issue would be how someone that is so unstable, I mean she is hiding in the closet thinking someone’s coming for her, got to where she is. I’m not saying that people with mental illness don’t achieve greatness. Just a little bit of a hard sell.

For anyone interested, here's what I was going for:

SPOILERS

Elizabeth is having a paranoid delusion. She's bi-polar. It's controlled by her meds, but on this, the most stressful day of her life, she's forgotten to take it, and the result is the worst delusions she's ever had.

It's gotten so bad, there's only one person left that she trusts: Bruce. Her ex-husband left her years ago. She was getting into politics, and he knew things would get rough... and he just couldn't stand to see her hurt herself in that way. He didn't want to enable a bad situation.

She won't take the medicine from anyone else, so they called Bruce. (Andy hands him the meds near the end.) Bruce has always been her "safe place."

Bruce getting shot in the delusion is her acknowledgment that her choice of career over him hurt  badly. Her paranoia of the hit represents her fear of what's ahead.

Andy and the staff have made a deal with the devil. They know she's talented, but they obviously know she's flawed. But, they all believe in what they are doing, and Elizabeth is the means to the end. The silence on winning represents this push-pull.

Finally, for those that didn't follow, the entire delusion takes place while Bruce is waiting in the security line. He starts at the end of the line, and is pulled by Andy from the front.

I drop two hints for the reader to know that things aren't as they should be: the presence of the gun (he can't actually take it into the museum) and the change in clothing. In real life, he's wearing a sport coat. In the delusion, he has a leather jacket (since he's a bit of a caricature of himself, this felt appropriate) The clothing hint would play better on screen than on the page, but I tried to draw it out for the reader.

If anyone has any questions, drop 'em in, and I'll share my reasoning. Obviously, I didn't quite pull off everything I was going for. But, I think I got close.

Thanks for all the great comments!
Paul