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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Modern Western Moderators: bert
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  Author    Modern Western  (currently 1979 views)
Don
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Modern Western by Benjamin Pearce - Western, Comedy - Obsessed with western culture, wanna-b outlaws Iriam McDowell and Connor Wright clash and spread western violence throughout Pennsylvania, bringing the west to the east. But after they rob the same bank notorious outlaw Jimmy Orwell plans to rob, Orwell and his gang do everything in their power to find the two amateurs and kill them before they give the way of the outlaw a bad reputation. While all of this is going on, Sheriff Stalin is on the case of the bank robbery, and is also breaking the rules of the badge to find Iriam and Connor, not knowing infamous outlaw Jimmy Orwell and his gang are involved. 130 pages - pdf, format


Don's note:  This is Ben, formerly known as Michael_Myers on the board


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Don  -  June 25th, 2010, 11:39pm
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BenjaminPearce
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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I hope you guys liked the script. We've begun filming. This thing should be finished filming by the end of August.
I bought a $1300 camera just to film this movie with.
With a cast of about thirty people, this is our biggest "movie."
And this is in no way related to our youtube channel besides the reference to RedDragonProductions with the bar "Red's Flaming Dragon."
We have our local FYE sponsoring us. I'm friends with the manager there.
My boss at my store (I work at Game Stop) is helping me out. And My college is helping me (because I'm going there in the fall for film) as well. So hopefully this movie goes smooth for filming. I do owe a huge thank you to the people of Simply Scripts as well, because even though I'm not the most popular writer on here, and I know a lot of you know me as the arrogant kid who doesn't listen to your advice, believe it or not, you guys did help me. I really have learned a lot from you guys, and whether you like me or not, I still respect and thank each and every one of you.
I will put the trailer on youtube, but not the movie itself. Thank you all, I will post again when filming is finished.


A PEARCE BROS. FILM
ADRENALINE
"Cool Apocalypse, Bro."
AUGUST 2013

http://benjaminpearcefilms.wix.com/adrenaline
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Trojan
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Good on you for having a go at filming this yourself, I'm sure you'll learn a lot from the experience.

With that said however, this script really needs a lot of work. I'm not sure what your writing background is, but I'm thinking perhaps you are more of a director/producer than a writer? If you are going to the effort and expense of actually making this movie then I think it would be wise to invest some more time and expense into the story. Like hire a pro writer to give this a rewrite and tighten up the story.

It feels like this is trying to be too many different things and ultimately succeeds in none of them. The dialogue is so on the nose and unbelievable it made me cringe. I only made it to about page 15 or so and had to stop. I know you are making this yourself so having some camera directions included is ok, but this was over the top.

Lots of passive writing, no description of characters, unfilmables, poor dialogue. Not trying to be harsh here man, just wanting to give some honest feedback. I think in its current state this would not be a great success, but maybe that's just my opinion and everybody else will love it. Best of luck with it though, I hope it works out for you.

Cheers,
Tim.
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BenjaminPearce
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Trojan
Good on you for having a go at filming this yourself, I'm sure you'll learn a lot from the experience.

With that said however, this script really needs a lot of work. I'm not sure what your writing background is, but I'm thinking perhaps you are more of a director/producer than a writer? If you are going to the effort and expense of actually making this movie then I think it would be wise to invest some more time and expense into the story. Like hire a pro writer to give this a rewrite and tighten up the story.

It feels like this is trying to be too many different things and ultimately succeeds in none of them. The dialogue is so on the nose and unbelievable it made me cringe. I only made it to about page 15 or so and had to stop. I know you are making this yourself so having some camera directions included is ok, but this was over the top.

Lots of passive writing, no description of characters, unfilmables, poor dialogue. Not trying to be harsh here man, just wanting to give some honest feedback. I think in its current state this would not be a great success, but maybe that's just my opinion and everybody else will love it. Best of luck with it though, I hope it works out for you.

Cheers,
Tim.


First off, I would like to thank you for taking the time to attempt to read the script. Yes I am more of the director type than the writing type.
Could you clarify what you mean by "trying to be so many different things?
And I do realize there isn't much description and that's where I need work.
And please don't worry, you aren't being harsh. I understand the dialogue isn't the greatest.
I would love for somebody to do a re-write, but the only problem is, this would be kind of useless at this point, considering we have already begun filming.
However, (dialogue wise) I told the actors that if they don't like the way they say something, to remember the basic Idea and just re-word it to something they find more fitting.
Thank you so much for your opinion, it is very appreciated.


A PEARCE BROS. FILM
ADRENALINE
"Cool Apocalypse, Bro."
AUGUST 2013

http://benjaminpearcefilms.wix.com/adrenaline
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Good luck with filming.

From a script point of view, this is more of a play in the first six pages than a script. The logline here is about bank robbers so personally I think you should start this out with a bang of action, not a whimper of dialogue.

Like maybe jump all the way up and start on page 9, with all the quick zooms and the two walking out with pistols and bad ass shades.
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Trojan
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BenjaminPearce

Yes I am more of the director type than the writing type.
Could you clarify what you mean by "trying to be so many different things?


I mean with the mixing of genres. It's something that pops up a fair bit on here, new writers trying to mix different genres for some reason. The problem with that can be it's very hard to establish a consistent tone throughout the script when it is changing between all these different styles. As a general rule, westerns and comedy do not mix. Not saying you shouldn't have a go at it, just that it will be much, much tougher to pull it off successfully than a straight up comedy.

Although to me this comes off as more of an action film than a western. I know it is the title of your movie and everything, but I think you'd have an easier time trying to market this as an action/comedy. But I still think the whole story doesn't mesh well. You have parts like an action movie and then you have parts like the girl fucking the guy in the bathroom that reads like a teenage sex comedy. That's what I mean about it trying to do too many different things. It is inconsistent.


Quoted Text
However, (dialogue wise) I told the actors that if they don't like the way they say something, to remember the basic Idea and just re-word it to something they find more fitting.


Yeah the problem with that though is that actors aren't writers, and a lot of them are not very good at improv. I'm guessing you are using inexperienced actors here and to ask them to create the dialogue is risky. The dialogue is already on the nose and having them ad lib could make it worse. There is no subtext to your dialogue, the characters just say the obvious and it is too one-dimensional.


Quoted Text
Thank you so much for your opinion, it is very appreciated.


No problem, good luck with it all. Hope it turns out well for you.

Cheers,
Tim.

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BenjaminPearce
Posted: June 28th, 2010, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cloroxmartini
Good luck with filming.

From a script point of view, this is more of a play in the first six pages than a script. The logline here is about bank robbers so personally I think you should start this out with a bang of action, not a whimper of dialogue.

Like maybe jump all the way up and start on page 9, with all the quick zooms and the two walking out with pistols and bad ass shades.


The original idea was to start at the bank robbery, show that, then start from the beginning up to the bank robbery, then it was going to fade to when Orwell walks in to rob it. Because I totally agree with you because I love movies that start out with a scene of action. Maybe I'll edit it that way when it's time to edit everything. Thank you for that, you might have made my decision on where the movie itself is actually going to start.


A PEARCE BROS. FILM
ADRENALINE
"Cool Apocalypse, Bro."
AUGUST 2013

http://benjaminpearcefilms.wix.com/adrenaline
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BenjaminPearce
Posted: June 28th, 2010, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Trojan


I mean with the mixing of genres. It's something that pops up a fair bit on here, new writers trying to mix different genres for some reason. The problem with that can be it's very hard to establish a consistent tone throughout the script when it is changing between all these different styles. As a general rule, westerns and comedy do not mix. Not saying you shouldn't have a go at it, just that it will be much, much tougher to pull it off successfully than a straight up comedy.




I actually never looked at it that way before. Yes I realized that this is more of an action script/movie than a western, but I actually never wrote the teens in the bathroom with the intention of it being like a teen sex scene.
The characters back stories, motives, and the climax all have western culture with the 10 spaces duel, the Mexican stand-off, and the fact that the reason the two anti-heroes of the story are only doing this because of there obsession with western films. That is why I am marketing this as a western. Because there really isn't a lot of action in this movie until the last thirty pages. Westerns aren't known for their non stop no-holds-barred  action like some actions are. Westerns are slow and filled with dialogue, and that is what this script contains.
But thanks again for pointing out the mixing generes thing.
And they are all inexperienced actors but I wrote the characters similar to the people playing their parts, like Akira and Zeke, the actors are best friends in real life, so  I think that'll be good considering I wrote their parts similar to themselves with the whole "NAILED IT" bits and just the way they act in general.
The girl is my real girlfriend in real life, so the chemistry there will match.
Josh and I are best friends and we play Iriam and Connor.
I think the actors (as inexperienced as they are) can make the dialogue their own if they decide to ad-lib.
Thank you for being interested in helping me. And I'm not giving you excuses I was just telling you my opinion as well.
-Ben


A PEARCE BROS. FILM
ADRENALINE
"Cool Apocalypse, Bro."
AUGUST 2013

http://benjaminpearcefilms.wix.com/adrenaline
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lesmort666
Posted: July 18th, 2010, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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this is a tough one to read, your characters and writing feel really gay.
idk i only got about fifteen pages into it, or where ever the story jumped to conner and i just thought i can't handle it anymore.

so i cracked a beer and thought maybe this will help me get through at least the next ten pages.
now 42 pgs into it, but before i get to that i have to say i was reading conners "story" and was thinking holy crap i am about twenty minutes into this movie, if it was on screen already. twenty minutes and we have established malichis sister lost her virginity and malichi is a good brother, iriam is a bad brother, conner is a freaking moron and none of it is funny.
really cheesy, theirs a lot of lame shots, and slow motion with sun glasses and wind blowing into your characters hair what is your obsession with slow motion wind blowing in peoples hair? i'm getting a feeling slow motion and wind blowing of the hair is a constant theme in your script,lol. its funny when i think about it, but i don't think you were going for that.

maybe you should have picked up some one elses script from this website and shot that, because you said yourself that your not really a writer.
anyways that being said i don't think i am going to finish the script some of it did make laugh though.
good luck on filming and getting this out their man, maybe its just not funny on paper and better on film.
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