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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Gehenna Moderators: bert
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  Author    Gehenna  (currently 1735 views)
Don
Posted: June 20th, 2010, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gehenna by Aaron Guzzo (scuzzos) & Craig Hissong - Western - God and the Devil settle their score once and for all in the American Old West. 106 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 14th, 2017, 1:10pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 23rd, 2010, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Aaron, listen...I think this may have potential.

Your logline, although poorly written, intrigued me.  I opened this up and read the intro.

There are lots and lots of problems here with your writing, but there's also something here that seems to work.

I like the setup, I see the potential.  You need to read other scripts and leave comments, so people will do the same for you and your script.

If you're around, and start commenting on other scripts, I'll come back to this and throw out some feedback you can use.  If nothing else, maybe this bump will draw some interest from others and you can get some feedback.

Take care!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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scuzzos
Posted: July 28th, 2010, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Cool -- I'll start reading stuff that catches my attention right away. Getting this script produced is already going to be an uphill battle -- It's going to be hard to get interest for a Western, and then even harder when there's a Dark Fairy Tale / Fantasy element.
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screenrider
Posted: July 29th, 2010, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Scuzzoa,

Dreamscale's right.  This premise has potential.   It's a very original concept.  
Now just imagine it in the same vein as Zack Snyder's "Sucker Punch".   His is a 1950's period peice with a dark fairy tale/fantasy element.  So you may not be too far off the beaten path.  

Unfortunatley the way it's written right now, it's clunky.  You have huge blocks of dialogue which definitely is not indicative of a westen, and your description scenes are overwritten.  My advice is to read some the other "good" scripts on this site and mimic their style.  Or better yet, team up with a guy like Dreamscale, somebody's who's super-savvy on the technical aspects of writing, and clean this thing up.

I believe you have a very marketable story here.  It just needs to be fleshed out.

Here's just a few of SS's top dogs to follow.   Mr. Z, Me, Dogglebe, & Shelton.  Study their scripts like a nit under a microscope.

Best of luck.


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Don  -  July 29th, 2010, 8:39am
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RayW
Posted: July 29th, 2010, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Howdy, Aaron

In all my tongue-in-cheek spare time, I've been poking around SS for only a few days now.
You can read a WHOLE lotta cr@p posted/submitted on the SS Unproduced Scripts page:
http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro.html
OMG, I feel sorry for industry spec script readers.
Now I know why there are slush piles!

Or specialize your reading amongst similar submitted cr@p in your own genre by clicking the appropriate link on the left side of that page under the "Unproduced Scripts by Genre" heading. They are listed in alphabetical order and certainly not by quality. Looks like about two dozen under "Western", however, GHENNA obviously has some strong drama or thriller aspects to it.
http://www.simplyscripts.com/unpro_western.html

Mike Cornetto ( http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?v-memberpanel/a-view/u-mcornetto/ ) laid on me the following link I find quite useful:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b=,v=portal
In addition to finding the most current posts you can see who the "Old Timers" are on the left hand margin under "Top Members".
(This community appears to REEEALLY appreciate mutual contribution of a useful nature.)

From there you can go hunt down their SS semi-Unproduced work here:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1095531482/s-all/
I just found this page last night and have yet to exploit it.
I'm guessing some of the SS Establishment likely have decent screenplays, even if in bits and pieces.

I am simply AMAZED! AMAZED I tell you, at the number of improperly formatted material submitted to SS. And then there's the quality of cr@p.
Yours is the first I've seen any positive scuttlebutt, formatting aside.
FWIW, I like your premise as well and agree with others the logline needs editing.
"I've paid someone to kill me by Sunday midnight and I want you to stop them!" - premise variant with a nice satanic twist. Nice!

I've not yet found a site "Top 20 or 50 by Peer Review" at Unproduced Scripts.
If you stumble upon one I'd like a link. Gracias!

Ray




Revision History (1 edits)
RayW  -  July 29th, 2010, 10:04am
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scuzzos
Posted: August 3rd, 2010, 2:31am Report to Moderator
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Well I'll definitely be starting a re-write soon based on Dreamscale's notes and a few other friends' notes. Another idea I've been kicking around is making this into a graphic novel.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 3rd, 2010, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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More notes still coming, Aaron...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Logan McDonald
Posted: September 19th, 2017, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Aaron,

I read the first thirteen pages and I am enjoying the set up so far. The action blocks are well written and to the point. I was able to visualize the action very well and cool action it was.

Itís always hard to set up an emotional moment like the love interest jumping in front of the bullet and getting shot to the heroís dismay this early in the movie and it just felt a little weak. Its great motivation for the main character, Iím just not as hooked yet to feel anything toward it.

The screaming in rage transition is a little clichť. And since itís still early in the script it might come off as a bit much to viewers.

Theresa seems like an interesting character, Iím always down for strong female characters.

Iím excited to keep reading and Iíll let you know what I think of the rest of it as I go.


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CameronD
Posted: September 29th, 2017, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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You finished a script so congratulations. No small feat.

Bu this does need work. Lots of rookie mistakes, for example no need to have the studio logo referenced in the beginning. TEXT should be written as SUPER: The first page is a TON of narrative exposition that cut be cut.   The font also changes halfway through the first page. Whenever a character is introduced for the first time on screen you need to write their name in all CAPS.

This is all just things I noticed on the first page. Rightly or wrongly, when you submit a script chock full or errors that's all the reader will see. It doesn't matter how good your story is, nobody will see it. It's a lot of work to read and give quality feedback on a script so please respect their time by giving them your best.

When I first finished my firs script I did the same thing and posted it for all to see, hungry for feedback. All I got was comments back like what I wrote above cause it was not only bloated but FULL of typos and mistakes. I didn't resubmit until I had rewritten it multiple times and only then was I getting the story feedback I wanted.

I love the western genre and applaud anybody who wants to write it. Keep working. Keep grinding. You can do it!


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