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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  The Guns Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Guns  (currently 635 views)
Don
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Guns by David Baughn and Jim Prince - Western - Western chalk full of action and surprises. 95 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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JEStaats
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
Purple



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Writers -

Great to see another western being submitted. This looks like an early effort as there are many issues.

-You really need to craft a new logline. As it is, there's nothing to draw someone in to read further. Take a look at other screenplays that are posted to get an idea for yours.

-Your screenplay is WAY overwritten. Action should be 2 lines (3 max.) or readers skip ahead (guilty).

-Character names need to be capitalized when first introduced.

-Trim all the camera direction (cut to, slo-mo, etc.). This should not be the shooting script. That's the director's job.

-Action should be written in the present, not progressive (he chops firewood, not he's chopping firewood). Basically write out all verbs ending in -ing.

I'm passing all this on to you as I've been called out on the same issues. If you send in a revision, I'll try to read more. Great start. Can't wait to see what it's actually about.

~John
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JakeJon
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
Purple


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D & J,
I was in the mood for a western so I read your entire script. Actually took some notes.
Then I read John's comments;
In total agreement with John's advice and suggestions.  No need for me to add anything here.

That being said:
I liked the "Magnificent 2" premise.   AND some of the action scenes.

Some nice ending surprises (Calamity and Bea as Mary's mom) and the final brotherly duel.

In addition, a little romance,  some tough ladies, some really mean, downright savage bad guys. Nicely done.

I think the slo mo battle at the end wouldn't be the writer's call,   BUT it reminded me a little of "Peckinpah's Wild Bunch).  Good stuff.

See if you can find a script from a western, read it and then

....Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite,  you may have something here.

R
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HyperMatt
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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Guys,
You can get the CUT TOs off the script; they are redundant and it will make the script even shorter.

And I would  take the WGA and the company address off the front cover.
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