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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Curveball - Sports/Dramedy Moderators: bert
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  Author    Curveball - Sports/Dramedy  (currently 170 views)
Steven
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_vHHlz3zmHYdDl4OHNjdGpaMmM


Sean Powell, a former college baseball player, starts a local adult baseball league in the Chicago area. He falls for a Irene Murphy, a journalist, tasked with writing a story about him. She has a teenage son who is somewhat of a baseball prodigy, just as Sean was at that age. After some self-reflecting and debating on whether or not to become a father figure, Sean and the boy begin to bond with the help of what they both love - baseball.


This is the first act, first draft. There shouldn't be any typos, but maybe I missed one or two. The story picks up just before he starts the league, and then jumps right into after it's already established and tryouts are occurring.


Lots of baseball talk, as there should be in a script like this. I'm going for a Major League tone, but with a kid involved.

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Steven  -  September 7th, 2017, 12:06pm
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Bogey
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

So I read 7 pages. The writing is efficient and easy to follow, but not enough happening to keep me reading. A few comments:

Page 2, the pitcher throws at his head? It’s a bunch of guys playing sandlot – don’t really see that happening. Maybe at his thigh, but not his head.

Page 4, “You gonna tell me what’s up? You been draggin’ ass since earlier.” Dudes drinking beer after a baseball practice don’t talk about their “feelings”. They talk sports, women, and sports.

Page 5, reference to “Wrigley Field”. South-siders don’t say “Wrlgley Field” without the f-word preceding it, or “sucks” following it.

Page 6, typo: “think” should be “thick” (…thick as the lenses on his glasses…)

Page 7, “If you’re a catcher with a canon, but your knees are shot, there’s no room for ya.” Hmm, trying to keep it real – it’s a rec league, not MLB.

Anyway, I think it needs more up front. Something non-baseball that endears the reader to a character or two.

Good luck with it.
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Steven
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bogey
Hey Steven,

So I read 7 pages. The writing is efficient and easy to follow, but not enough happening to keep me reading. A few comments:

Page 2, the pitcher throws at his head? It’s a bunch of guys playing sandlot – don’t really see that happening. Maybe at his thigh, but not his head.

Page 4, “You gonna tell me what’s up? You been draggin’ ass since earlier.” Dudes drinking beer after a baseball practice don’t talk about their “feelings”. They talk sports, women, and sports.

Page 5, reference to “Wrigley Field”. South-siders don’t say “Wrlgley Field” without the f-word preceding it, or “sucks” following it.

Page 6, typo: “think” should be “thick” (…thick as the lenses on his glasses…)

Page 7, “If you’re a catcher with a canon, but your knees are shot, there’s no room for ya.” Hmm, trying to keep it real – it’s a rec league, not MLB.

Anyway, I think it needs more up front. Something non-baseball that endears the reader to a character or two.

Good luck with it.


So you think starting out showing Powell do something other than baseball would suffice?

Also, I feel like an idiot, can't believe I forgot about the damn White Sox. Growing up, Frank Thomas was one of my favorite players. But thanks, good point.

Thanks for at least checking it out up to that point, wish you would have continued because there is some good tryout stuff and introduction to the team.
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Bogey
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steven
So you think starting out showing Powell do something other than baseball would suffice?


Yes, something other than adults playing baseball. It could even be the same ball players twenty years earlier as kids bantering and playing as the sun goes down, and when a 12 yr old Powell hits the home run, as soon as the bat hits the ball, they're in the present, as adults, same guys, lifelong friends still playing the same game, and Powell runs the bases as a 32 year old. Just my opinion, but I think it needs something "likable", and kids playing ball are more likable than cocky adults.

Good luck.
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Steven
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bogey


Yes, something other than adults playing baseball. It could even be the same ball players twenty years earlier as kids bantering and playing as the sun goes down, and when a 12 yr old Powell hits the home run, as soon as the bat hits the ball, they're in the present, as adults, same guys, lifelong friends still playing the same game, and Powell runs the bases as a 32 year old. Just my opinion, but I think it needs something "likable", and kids playing ball are more likable than cocky adults.

Good luck.


Thanks for the tip, sometimes these obvious things escape me.

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Steven
Posted: September 5th, 2017, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Steven  -  September 7th, 2017, 12:05pm
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SethCB
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I liked it, but I was expecting more comedic elements if you're going for a "Major League" feel.

It was easy to read and visualize as I read. I also thought the cadence of the dialogue was a but repetitive.

I don't want to give you solutions, just feedback, it's your script.

Good luck!
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Steven
Posted: September 12th, 2017, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SethCB
I liked it, but I was expecting more comedic elements if you're going for a "Major League" feel.

It was easy to read and visualize as I read. I also thought the cadence of the dialogue was a but repetitive.

I don't want to give you solutions, just feedback, it's your script.

Good luck!


Thanks. I'm going back to my original idea of having Powell create an adult team instead of having him in the minor league.


I have a lot more to work with this way and there are more things at stake.
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