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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Dulcinea Moderators: bert
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GGutshall
Posted: February 24th, 2018, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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An old gentleman and young Native Alaskan girl travel together and find true freedom:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/29k6kzqzznt5twu/Script%20-%20Dulcinea.pdf?dl=0
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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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So do the crickets mean that "It's so good, there's no input to be given" or "It sucks so bad that no one can get past the first few lines"?
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eldave1
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Howard - gave this a read.

- You should really indicate that this is a partial (I assume).

- What is with the OLD MAN thing as a character? It's Gus. Just intro him as Gus and refer to him as Gus throughout. i.e., lose the OLD MAN

-  I didn't care for the memory sequences. Would have preferred that handled in dialogue.

- Some of the dialogue between Gus and is Wife and Gus and the son is too on the nose. They're discussing things for our sake (exposition) that they certainly would have discussed long before. Those plot points should come out with Gus' interaction with the girl. i.e., as they question each other about their stories.

Hope these helps.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Yes this a partial - hence the post in the "works in progress" forum   

I was using "OLD MAN" as a way to differentiate the various Gus-es that appear in the script.  Perhaps I should change it to "Old Gus"?

I will consider what you are saying about the dialog... but I was wanting to highlight that annoying kind of dynamic that often occurs in families where the same topics are rehashed over and over with the same tired arguments and the outcome never changes.  Know what I mean?
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eldave1
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GGutshall
Yes this a partial - hence the post in the "works in progress" forum   

I was using "OLD MAN" as a way to differentiate the various Gus-es that appear in the script.  Perhaps I should change it to "Old Gus"?

I will consider what you are saying about the dialog... but I was wanting to highlight that annoying kind of dynamic that often occurs in families where the same topics are rehashed over and over with the same tired arguments and the outcome never changes.  Know what I mean?


My bad on the partial - didn't notice the thread header.

On Gus - just refer to him as Gus. When you go back in time, you can label him as Younger Gus. The Old Man thing is incredibly confusing.

On the dialogue -  yeah, I get your objective - but at least IMO you're getting there in an effective manner. Here's an example:


Quoted Text
OLD MAN
You know it's not the boat,Andrea.  It's the freedom that Dulcinea provides!  I have spent my ENTIRE life tending to the wants and needs of others.  Just once before I die, just once I'd like to live my life for me for ac hange!  Is that so hard to understand?

ANDREA
You act like being married to me has been a chore!  Thanks Gus,just thanks!


This takes place after he's landed in Hawaii - so months after he bought the boat. sailed the boat and took off in the first place. It is just unnatural. They would have had this argument over and over again before. By this time the dialogue should center around - well. did you get it out of your system..?

The exposition should take place between him an Anka at sea. She should be taken aback that a man with a wife and children would head off on his own. That's when Gus should explain why he did what he did.  I'm assuming in the end this is going to be a story about what Gus learns from Anka and what she learns from him - or something like that. So why not have them engage on these topics more.

Anyway - see what others think. Stick to your guns if you think you got the right approach - it's your story and you should do what you think works at the end of the day.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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I see what you mean.  I was kind of writing that dialog stream of  thought and hadn't thought through it too deeply.  You bring up a good point... hmmm thinking hat on. now.  I GREATLY appreciate the input.  What are your thoughts on the premise?
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eldave1
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GGutshall
I see what you mean.  I was kind of writing that dialog stream of  thought and hadn't thought through it too deeply.  You bring up a good point... hmmm thinking hat on. now.  I GREATLY appreciate the input.  What are your thoughts on the premise?


I like this:


An old gentleman and young Native Alaskan girl travel together

I don't care for this

[b... and find true freedom:[/b]

So, what is compelling is that two people from different cultures, ages and genders take a journey together. And I would cram that home a little more and be more specific about travel. e.g.,

An aging and cranky white man and a young vibrant Alaskan woman sail from Alaska to Hawaii (or whatever is accurate)

And find true freedom is too vague and uninteresting. I think it needs to be more specific.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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GGutshall
Posted: February 26th, 2018, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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I've reshuffled that dialog.  If you get a chance, I'd appreciate your opinion on the new version...  That and there's a small edit to the dialog once he's back on the boat the scene after.
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CameronD
Posted: February 27th, 2018, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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How old is Gus? GUS (45)? GUS (65)? Your view and mine of what's old may be quite different.

The Gus? Huh?

If the dog's name is Blue call her that in the action. Blue's ears wave in the breeze for example.

Lose the (CONT'D) in dialogue. Not really used anymore.

Ok, here's a tip to make this stronger right away. You gotta show us something about Gus right off the bat. A quirk, flaw, something the audience can connect to right away. You only get one chance to make a first. He's drinking a beer right off the bat, so why not have him pissed drunk? Drink his beer then share it with Blue before finishing it, dog slobber and all, himself to show us their bond.

Doesn't INT. DULCINEA imply we are below deck already?

Almost every action starts with Gus this, Gus that, Blue this, He that. Chnage it up. Make the read repetitive. Boring.

"Blue opens an eye, grumbles then goes back to sleep!" Lose exclamation mark.

Page 4 and skimming now. Nothing is really happening. I can tell from the way this is written you are going for a peaceful and serene start so that explains the meandering. However, if you are going to get away with that you need to have very interesting characters to carry the load. Right now Gus isn't that.

Also, I have no idea where the story is going. Seems like Gus is going to travel somewhere and run into trouble? Some subtle foreshadowing will go a long way. He's downloading a weather report. Maybe have it update right as he turns the comp off with a severe warning that he misses. Or have the walls of the boat covered in photos of his trips to imply he is a traveler/adventurer. The dart board kinda is going in that direction but it's not super clear or great motivation for his travels. What if his destination is the one last place to go to on his sailing bucket list?

Of course I could be wrong and there is no shipwreck. In that case what is the plot?



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eldave1
Posted: February 27th, 2018, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GGutshall
I've reshuffled that dialog.  If you get a chance, I'd appreciate your opinion on the new version...  That and there's a small edit to the dialog once he's back on the boat the scene after.


It's better - but still doesn't do it for me as it seems all in all fights they would have had before he sailed the first time. Whenever you getting dialogue that has a sense of "remember that....

It's going to seem expositional. Just my opinion.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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GGutshall
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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How much of this input is just a matter of taste?  

I was rereading this thread and noticed your comment about the ellipses embedded in the dialog...  I had originally put those in there because another reader told me he preferred them to "(beat)" and after all, "no one uses those '(beat)' things any more"...

It seems to me that such feedback on technical form maybe most helpful if one is tailoring their script to the tastes of a specific reader.. but that the most important kind of feedback points out incongruities in the story or timeline flaws or such...

How does a newbie such as myself know what technical form advice is actual "this is how it's done" versus "this is how I like it done"?  I don't know how often I rejiggered a script to change the changes I've made of the advice of previous readers...
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eldave1
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know what you are referring to on the ellipses. Do see any comments and it regard. In terms of your question, some feedback is based on taste, people's preferences, and some is based on technical knowledge. You can Google anything make your own determination. For example, how to format scene headings.  But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if it's a matter of taste or not. It's a matter of whether or not you think it improves the script or not


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriter
Posted: March 12th, 2018, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from GGutshall
I don't know how often I rejiggered a script to change the changes I've made of the advice of previous readers...


Avoid knee-jerk rewriting.  

Part of being a screenwriter is learning to differentiate between the good, the bad, the ugly notes.  This comes in time.  By developing your skills, a critical eye, by studying the craft, reading and analyzing pro scripts, and most importantly giving feedback on peer scripts.

Don't just do the notes you get.  Take some time to process them... as a wise man once said;

When a writer receives feedback on his/her script from peers and/or professionals, they need to implement the notes that he/or she feels would improve their script.  For the majority of the time on deciding which notes to use and which to ignore, it would be instantly achieved by the writer's gut/instinct reaction upon reading the note.

Other times, more thought would be necessary, especially if there's contradicting opinions. In this case, a writer would choose which note to implement depending on which one would best enhance his story as far as expressing tone, character, theme, unpredictability, etc...

Don't feel you need to implement every note you get. Pay attention to recurring notes.  If everyone's telling you it's raining, then it's probably a better idea to grab an umbrella.

To quote Stephen King, "Write with the door closed, rewrite with the door open."

Hope this helps. If you have question... just PM me...

Ghostie





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_ghostwriter  -  March 13th, 2018, 1:59am
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eldave1
Posted: March 13th, 2018, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriter


Avoid knee-jerk rewriting.  

Part of being a screenwriter is learning to differentiate between the good, the bad, the ugly notes.  This comes in time.  By developing your skills, a critical eye, by studying the craft, reading and analyzing pro scripts, and most importantly giving feedback on peer scripts.

Don't just do the notes you get.  Take some time to process them... as a wise man once said;

When a writer receives feedback on his/her script from peers and/or professionals, they need to implement the notes that he/or she feels would improve their script.  For the majority of the time on deciding which notes to use and which to ignore, it would be instantly achieved by the writer's gut/instinct reaction upon reading the note.

Other times, more thought would be necessary, especially if there's contradicting opinions. In this case, a writer would choose which note to implement depending on which one would best enhance his story as far as expressing tone, character, theme, unpredictability, etc...

Don't feel you need to implement every note you get. Pay attention to recurring notes.  If everyone's telling you it's raining, then it's probably a better idea to grab an umbrella.

To quote Stephen King, "Write with the door closed, rewrite with the door open."

Hope this helps. If you have question... just PM me...

Ghostie





Perfect advise - love the quotes


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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