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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Intro to a Zombie Piece Moderators: bert
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  Author    Intro to a Zombie Piece  (currently 208 views)
Steven
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Here's my intro to a zombie piece I've been toying with. I have more planned, and a lot more written, but I'm still piecing it together.

My zombies will have a little intelligence to them.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=12ba4MG2fcTcH4vqGvzehvTX_g_6jO_bH
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Forgive
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven, took a quick look at this ... the problem with doing zombies is coming up with that new angle, they're done comedy, dance and even Pride and Prejudice, so it's coming up with that new angle that's so hard.

The writing looked good to me, I liked the opener, and I think you left off at just the right point (in the opening scene).

Did have me wondering where we were going with it though, as there's no real clue as to the direction; are they just killing off zombies, is he paranoid, hence the dream, or was that a memory and does he need to get his kids back, so maybe some pointers as to where the story's heading, though I do get it's early in.

Also, I thought the dirties bit may need to go in dialogue at some point, as the viewers not going to be aware of those details ... lastly, on page six you have a couple of it's that should be possessive its instead.
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Steven
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Steven, took a quick look at this ... the problem with doing zombies is coming up with that new angle, they're done comedy, dance and even Pride and Prejudice, so it's coming up with that new angle that's so hard.

The writing looked good to me, I liked the opener, and I think you left off at just the right point (in the opening scene).

Did have me wondering where we were going with it though, as there's no real clue as to the direction; are they just killing off zombies, is he paranoid, hence the dream, or was that a memory and does he need to get his kids back, so maybe some pointers as to where the story's heading, though I do get it's early in.

Also, I thought the dirties bit may need to go in dialogue at some point, as the viewers not going to be aware of those details ... lastly, on page six you have a couple of it's that should be possessive its instead.


Thanks for checking it out.

I want to stick with the old school zombies, meaning they rose from the grave but can also turn others...hence the Fresh and Dirties.

I have more written, just not formatted. What I do have is the events right after Frank gets dragged into the woods by the zombie. Basically, Greyson and a party with him rescues Frank. Frank runs back to the car where two of the kids are dead, and the other is turned. Without knowing the gravity of the situation, Greyson shoots the turned child without hesitation. I'm not sure if this should have been included in the intro, or shown via another dream.

I'm borrowing heavily from another story that I've already written, so the characters are there and so are the locations. The other story was post-apocalyptic already, so I'm merely introducing zombies to that world.

Here's a hint as to where it's going - remember The Twilight Zone's The Monsters on Maple Street? Think of the reveal three and you'll know what I'm going to do here.

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Forgive
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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And you just quoted youself for entirely no reason. I did that once and I respect myself for doing it; more people should, I like it. Well, I'll keep my eye out for up-dates. And self-quotes.
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LC
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Steve, you write well, that's a given.**

Thing is, I don't really see anything new with the intro and idea, so far.

I agree with Si that the 'dirty' and 'fresh' angle needs elaboration in dialogue otherwise I'm just seeing Zombies in various disarray - and does it have bearing on the story eventually? I presume so.

I like the kids angle. Innocents (more than one) can provide for more suspense and audience investment, so that's a plus.

I have no idea how you're weaving the TZ episode inspiration into the storyline but perhaps that'll be the selling point to distinguish this from all the other Zombie tales. But that's yet to come...

** Lay should be lie.
Bugbear of mine.

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

They're not laying the shingles, they lie prone (flat) on the shingles.


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eldave1
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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As usual, well written.

It may be me, but I get confused in the action sequences when there are three or more generic characters (e.g., BOY 1,2,3). I would either name them or give them distinguishing descriptions (e.g., TEENAGE BOY, TODDLER, etc.).

I was not at all interested in where the story is going. There have been a million of these and IMO if you are going to dedicate yourself to writing one you best have a real unique angle. It didn't strike me that you did.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JC Cleveland
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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As others have said, the writing and formatting is well done.  Also, as others have said, making a zombie story stand out in this day and age can be hard.  That being said, a lot of low budget and amateur zombie movies still get made.  A few comments, though...

1. The opening scene says there's the bloody remains of an animal smeared across the road.  If this supposed to be an actual animal that the car has struck, like a deer, or did the car strike a zombie, and the reader just isn't supposed to know it until the existence of zombies is revealed a few lines later?  If it's supposed to be an animal, I'd spell out that it's a deer or whatever animal you want it to be.

2.  The setup does feel a little bit convenient.  The crash reads as if it's happened in a remote area, yet there's three zombies right there as well.  Striking a deer with one's car is a rare event, and in most zombie worlds, stumbling across a group of zombies in the middle of the woods is rare, too.  So like I said, it's a little bit too convenient that both of those things happen at the same time.  Maybe try to add a line or two that implies the zombies were hunting and tracking the deer, or have the "animal" that was original hit by the car be another zombie in the first place.

3.  Having three children in the car is probably overkill.  First off, with that many kids, it's going to leave some of the audience wondering if all of them were Frank's children or not.  Also, losing three children in such a way is the kind of thing a lot of the audience won't be able to see a parent recovering from.  I have no idea where the rest of your story is going, but the standard trope implied by the opening is that at some point Frank will have to save and protect a child, and thus overcome his failure from before.  That trope works out better if the protagonist spends time bonding with the surrogate child.  Since Frank loses three kids in your opening, I feel like bonding and rescuing only one child in the future won't quite balance the narrative scales, so to speak.  I think having it be a single child that he loses in the car wreck will work out better.  But who knows, you may be planning on going a completely different direction with Frank.
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Steven
Posted: July 5th, 2018, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Steve, you write well, that's a given.**

Thing is, I don't really see anything new with the intro and idea, so far.

I agree with Si that the 'dirty' and 'fresh' angle needs elaboration in dialogue otherwise I'm just seeing Zombies in various disarray - and does it have bearing on the story eventually? I presume so.

I like the kids angle. Innocents (more than one) can provide for more suspense and audience investment, so that's a plus.

I have no idea how you're weaving the TZ episode inspiration into the storyline but perhaps that'll be the selling point to distinguish this from all the other Zombie tales. But that's yet to come...

** Lay should be lie.
Bugbear of mine.

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

They're not laying the shingles, they lie prone (flat) on the shingles.


The purpose of this intro was meant to be merely a cold open, and I shared a little bit of the actual beginning as well. I was going to throw in the terms Dirties and Fresh when Frank and Greyson were on the roof, but removed it for whatever reason. It doesn't "matter," per say, but I like the idea of zombies that rise from the grave but can also turn the living.

Do you remember the episode The Monsters On (or was it Of?) Maple Street? The reveal at the end of that episode was that the neighborhood that the story was centered wasn't really a neighborhood, but rather a sealed off area in the middle of nowhere. The inhabitants had no idea what was really going on.

I'll be taking from that reveal and tweaking it a little bit. That's the TZ reference.
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Steven
Posted: July 9th, 2018, 8:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
As usual, well written.

It may be me, but I get confused in the action sequences when there are three or more generic characters (e.g., BOY 1,2,3). I would either name them or give them distinguishing descriptions (e.g., TEENAGE BOY, TODDLER, etc.).

I was not at all interested in where the story is going. There have been a million of these and IMO if you are going to dedicate yourself to writing one you best have a real unique angle. It didn't strike me that you did.


I didn't see this comment when replying to the other person, but thanks.

I screwed up by having more than one child in the backseat, that's the first thing. The second thing is that I'm second guessing this whole flashback thing in general. I should probably start off with Frank and Greyson on the roof.

As for the unique angle - I do have one. It's more of a reveal, to be honest. The zombies are somewhat intelligent, and I have both dead rising from the grave and infected via bites...so there's that.

If you've seen the Twilight Zone episode The Monsters On Maple Street then you can predict my reveal. I don't think I've seen that done in a zombie flick before.
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eldave1
Posted: July 9th, 2018, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steven


I didn't see this comment when replying to the other person, but thanks.

I screwed up by having more than one child in the backseat, that's the first thing. The second thing is that I'm second guessing this whole flashback thing in general. I should probably start off with Frank and Greyson on the roof.

As for the unique angle - I do have one. It's more of a reveal, to be honest. The zombies are somewhat intelligent, and I have both dead rising from the grave and infected via bites...so there's that.

If you've seen the Twilight Zone episode The Monsters On Maple Street then you can predict my reveal. I don't think I've seen that done in a zombie flick before.


Okay - good luck with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Steven
Posted: July 9th, 2018, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Thanks.
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