American Dream, The by Ross J. McNeil (rossjmcneil) - Drama - Thomas Crawford, a once wealthy, properous man finds himself homeless on the streets of NYC. He meets 3 other vagrants and from the threat of violence and suicidal depression he and his new found business associates pull themselves out of the gutter. We find out that money and possesions are not the true American dream but the love of family and friends. 115 pages - doc, format

Wow!

Just fiinished this script and I have to say it is one of the best I have read on this site. The characters are so well written, as well as the setting. Wonderful job with the way the plot unfolded. The flashbacks and voiceovers were absolutely perfect. I have no doubt that their is interest in this script. I do have to agree with what you have been told in regards to the ending. While I do like it, there could be some changes. I have no idea what, but sometimes you gotta tweak things just a little for a large impact. Overall, I completely loved it! I read the entire thing without setting it down, so very well done. Good luck and I hope to see this on film in the future.

Hi. Name's Rich aka MAC. New here and not comfortable critiquing other author's work but I guess that's why we're all here. So take this in the spirit it is given.  As a whole I like your script. That said, I'll get to the stuff that made me like it but not love it.  General comments first.
(1) This must be the safest skid row in America. Street people are opportunists. They would see your guys making money and carrying it around. Your guys need some kind of security, say, a couple of big badasses.
(2) Where's Thomas's family, friends, etc.? Didn't anyone ever look for him?
(3)Thomas and Gil are too similar to Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman in SHAWSHANK REDEPTION. Especially Gil's V.O..
(4) The street guys manner of speech isn't consistant. Sometimes it's right on, gritty and real, but drifts into a more sophisticated way of talking (the author's?)
      Specific comments......
(1) How do we know Thomas has blisters on his feet. Can we see it on the screen?
(2) Like the corporate lingo! It fits.
(3) "Fish in a barrel" is a reference to shooting skill, not eye-hand coordination. How about "couldn't hit a beach ball"?
(4) Think like the wealthy. A woman in Liz's position would NEVER tolerate more than one cold shower. She orders husband to call the plumber. Rich folks don't fix stuff themselves.
(5) Andy helping Thomas get his "current job" doesn't sound right. To the viewer Thomas's current job is being homeless. How about "got me a position with Andy"s employer"?
(6) Scene heading 1996. How does the audience know what year it is?
(7) You don't go to the bank to check on your credit card. You call the credit card company.
( Apartments have a lease not a deed. Condo could have a deed.
(9) Do employees with an office also have a locker? Drug stuff could simply be in his office.
(10) Thomas's backstory is lengthy, not a bad thing, but I felt it ended too abruptly. I'd let it wind down a bit.
(11) I like the mystery man in Liz's office. Makes the audience have to think.
(12) Password BIRKOWITZ. Like it. Son of Sam reference adds a little unexpected color.
(13) Can you get a cell signal in an elevator?
(14) REAL problem with the loan approval. Unsecured loan? No way in hell. Been there, done that. Suggest loan shark. Would add the element of danger and real risk, and increase the drive to succeed.
(15) Killed the best character!! Well at least it was near the end.
(16) Gil's V.O. is narrating stuff that happened after he died. How does that happen??
  As, I said, I like it. Just feel it could use some tweaking. Keep writing!!!!!
      
My script is in the new stuff. A DANGEROUS THING by Richard Berry. Give it a look. If it sucks tell me.   Peace.
  

Back again. Hope you noticed none of the stuff I picked out your script was format errors or typos. There might be some but I don't take notice unless it detracts from the story, which is my primary focus. If a sucko script is perfectly formatted it's still going to suck. As we blue-collar types say, "You can't polish a turd.". Your script is definately not in that catagory.
Yeah, I like it. Overall good characters with distinct personalities. Interesting settings. Mostly good dialogue. Probably make a good movie.
Movie goers are subjective. No two viewers get the same thing from a movie, That said, I'll tell you how I'd prefer to see this on the screen.
I'd like to see some break in the steady progression from rags to riches. Some pitfalls and real obstacles to overcome. A few pages into the script I know Thomas will succeed and Liz will fail. Sure, in most stories of this type we know the good guy is going to come out on top but it's his journey that holds our interest. What makes his rise from the ashes unique?
On the other hand, Elizabeth's fall from grace had some interesting twists and turns. I didn't know if her latest lover was conning her or visa-versa or both.
Write on.   Rich B.

Hey guys... Havent looked at the site for a while. Thank you both for your comments. The script wasnt sold or optioned as i passed on the offer. Still searching for a buyer... I like the comment about the loan shark. Thats a great idea as it will add another element of danger.

Thanks all

Check out my other script "eternity". Its a pchycological horror. Tell me what u think.

I liked your story.  It kind of reminded me of a cross between The Shawshank Redemption and The Pursuit of Happiness.  I especially enjoyed your four main characters, Thomas, Gil, Roadrunner and the Kid.  There interactions were good, and I liked the story of them rising up and becoming successful.  With that said, this screenplay reminded me too much of The Shawshank Redemption in some parts.  The vagrants seemed to parallel “the sisters” in The Shawshank Redemption.  The knife scene seemed to parallel the similar scene from the movie.  Also the narration in some parts seemed very much in the same tone and manner as how Red narrated his story.  Thomas is an intellectual guy, and so is Andy from The Shawshank Redemption.  There are just too many similarities to take this screenplay as serious as it deserves.  You found a good story, but perhaps in later drafts, try to erase some of the similarities because I am sure if this was produced into a movie, other people would see the similarities.  If it is a homage to one of the best buddy movies ever made, then that’s good, but too much will seem out of place.

Anyways, I really enjoyed reading the script, and it kept my attention till the end.

Quoted from rossjmcneil This script has currently shown some interest with various agencies. I am in the process of selling it. I hope you like it, just thought I'd post it and see what people think. I have had various directors tell me that the script is too realistic at the beginning, with alot of violence, that doesn't quite fit with the ending but let me know. Cheers!!! �

Your premise is okay. I thought your usage of VO's was a little mishandled. A writer should only resort to VO if the VO offers a different insight than what the camera already sees. For example if a lady comes into scene wearing an elegant red dress. An enthusastic bystander would not say to us. "And she was beautiful for wearing that red dress. He would say, "And she was beautiful. And that red dress made me want to tear it off her".

A well written VO should give us insight into a characters: personality, intellect, and character. At the very least it should add drama to a situation. The best filmmaker to use VO was Martin Scorsese.

In conclusion, if a VO simply says what we  already see, then it is not necessary and leads us to take notice of the narrator instead of the scene.    

Besides that, good job!

Your script is fantastic. It is really interesting and the characters are wonderful. I especially loved Thomas's character.
padma

Thanks for the comment pad. I hope I can get an offer by the end of the year. I have changed a few things in the script to generate more of an impact and I'll repost soon. Thanks again