High Stakes by Mike Shelton - Short - A card shark becomes involved in the biggest poker game he'll ever play, with a stranger that will change his life forever. 23 pages - doc, format

Hey Mike,
I really got into this script because I've been playing poker since I was about three years old (and that's a long time).
There was a couple parts that didn't seem to ring true, though, so I thought I'd bring them up.



SPOILERS









Gambling for money in a poker game like this is illegal, so if someone wanted to find out if there was a poker game going on, the bartender shouldn't be so quick to say that it's in the backroom. He could loose his license.
Maybe have the bartender go to the backroom and let them know that there is a stranger out there asking questions about the game. Since Cap is on a winning streak he would probably be the one to check him out, and be more than happy to let him into the game with that much money.
The other thing was after Cap cut the cards, they were shuffeled again. I've never done it that way. We usually have someone cut if they want to, then deal the cards.
Other than that, I loved it. The pacing, the story, and the surprise ending. Never saw that ending coming. It was pretty cool.
Very, very good stuff.  
Cindy  

Hey Mike.  I am going to read this, too.  Not right now though.

But even without reading this, it sure sounds like Cindy's comments (that did not contain a "spoiler" warning **ahem**) are right on.

Oops!
I didn't think I needed one cos since the logline stated it was about a poker game with a stranger...
Sorry bout that. I went back and fixed it. It was late when I posted...

This is a very good script that reads quick, and like I said in my last post... an ending that is really neat.




  

Good hand, Mike! Nice reading! Easy to film and is a lowbuget production.

Yeah...looking back, I guess Cindy doesn't really give away that much.

I mainly wanted to back her up on some of her points...particularly cutting...then shuffling.  It just ain't done that way.

Quoted from CindyLKeller SPOILERS Gambling for money in a poker game like this is illegal, so if someone wanted to find out if there was a poker game going on, the bartender shouldn't be so quick to say that it's in the backroom. He could loose his license. Maybe have the bartender go to the backroom and let them know that there is a stranger out there asking questions about the game. Since Cap is on a winning streak he would probably be the one to check him out, and be more than happy to let him into the game with that much money. The other thing was after Cap cut the cards, they were shuffeled again. I've never done it that way. We usually have someone cut if they want to, then deal the cards. Other than that, I loved it. The pacing, the story, and the surprise ending. Never saw that ending coming. It was pretty cool. Very, very good stuff.   Cindy

Cindy,

Thanks for calling me out on this.  Being somebody that really never played cards (except for gin), I was hoping that someone who did would let me know what I was missing or botching in regards to the technical stuff.

Glad you liked the ending.  


Mike

I really liked this one Mike.  I knew something was fishy about INFERNO from the very beginning.  I now see the foreshadowing in Player 3's words at the very beginning(which I won't give out for those who haven't read this piece yet).

Awsome twist by the way.  Never saw that one coming in a million years.

Another good script, Mike. I'm a bit of an online texas hold 'em nut so this caught my attention.

As Helio says, it'd make a good low budget short. I kind of saw the ending coming but I liked the  way Dante had a special deck of cards.

I think you got most of the jargon right but one thing stood out. At one point Cap says he has a Straight to the nine.  Ace kicker. The kicker is irrelevant if he has a straight, only the 5 best cards count.

Anyway, another enjoyable script. That's 3 out of 3 today.

Hey, Mike.  This will have (SPOILERS) right off the bat:

This was another nice one, again, with great dialogue that is so funny while looking completely tossed-off at the same time.  "Sigfried and Roy" and "Jack...and sh*t".  That stuff just cracked me up.

And, as I suspected, Cindy's comments should be taken on board.  He works his way into this game far too easily.

But I don't get all the people who were so surpised by the ending.  Maybe it's because horror is my favorite niche, but I knew right where this was going from the moment these characters began drawing breath.  I mean, not exactly where this was going, of course (the final frames held a nice surprise), but I was pretty close.

And it was the dude's name, "Inferno", and the foreshadowing mentioned by TIN, that gave it away for me.

I am not saying this isn't a good piece -- I liked it just fine -- but for me, I would change the name and lose the aforementioned line from Player 3.

You are not playing your cards "close to the vest" by putting these type of details out there.  Foreshadowing is one thing, but these are too straightforward, I think, and I suspect you are giving too much away too early.

Quoted from bert Hey, Mike.  This will have (SPOILERS) right off the bat: This was another nice one, again, with great dialogue that is so funny while looking completely tossed-off at the same time.  "Sigfried and Roy" and "Jack...and sh*t".  That stuff just cracked me up.

You know I can't write anything without throwing some stuff like that in.

Quoted from bert And, as I suspected, Cindy's comments should be taken on board.  He works his way into this game far too easily.

Yes, I truly know nothing about poker.

Quoted from bert You are not playing your cards "close to the vest" by putting these type of details out there.  Foreshadowing is one thing, but these are too straightforward, I think, and I suspect you are giving too much away too early.

I used the obvious tips as a way to get people thinking that this was going to be a soul selling type thing, so the actual ending would be even more of a surprise.  I guess it worked to a point, but it could still use some tweaking.

Thanks for the feedback.

Mike

it was realy enjoiable and easy to read, a nice short story.

This was a breeze to read, 19 pages went by pretty fast.

SPOILERSSSSSSS

To start, Players 1-3 deserve names, maybe not like Timothy Michael Adams the second, but cool nicknames like Black Jack, or Juggling Joker, or something.  They weren't just one line extras, and reading Player 1 Player 2 Player 3 can get confusing.

I don't know why, but I cracked up when Inferno introduced himself.  I also laughed during Starrbuck Star when Moloch said "And give my regards...to the inferno!"  I don't know why, I guess the word inferno just cracks me up for some reason.  That being said, I think you can formally introduce his name when he first enters the building, rather than waiting for him to say it.  I don't know how correct this is format-wise, but it just seems off to have him be TALL MAN for 3 pages, then INFERNO for the rest.  Maybe this can be clarified to me by someone.

When Cap gets the flush toward the end and starts smiling and giving himself away, I just don't think a poker player of his calibur would do that, even if he has nothing to lose.

"He throws his hands in the air and jumps up from the table."  "He lays his cards down on the table and continues to celebrate." Well, Cap is very energetic upon seeing the flush, so I don't see how he can throw his hands in the air, jump up, then neatly put the cards on the table without dropping one or something.  This is kinda pointless but it just kinda got me questioning  

I knew something big was going to happen at the end, but I didn't see this one coming a mile away.  Totally unexpected.  I knew Inferno was an odd name for someone, but it paid off in the end.   Jimmy Hoffa and AMELIA* Earhart, very nice touch to the end.  The one thing I'm left wondering is why these two were there?  I know they disappeared, but this guy is the devil, and as far as I know Hoffa and Earhart weren't folks that fit into Hell's description, but then again I never did any extended research on them so I don't know.  But hey, what a way to end a story!

Cap was very well developed.  He's the kind of greedy playboy that nobody likes and it was really good to see him get his at the end.  You also developed Inferno very well.  Even though he's the devil, you keep him mellow and chilled throughout the story.  His lines are intelligent and work well.  Actually, I think all of the dialogue was well done.

Overall, a breeze to read.  You avoided those jokes for this one to keep it a mysterious, thriller, maybe even dark comic genre.  Very well done!

Hey Mike,

I enjoyed reading this for the most part but had two major problems.

One, I don’t know squat about poker. When I see movies centering on card games I have to rely on the drama to kind of guide me in order to enjoy it. You did a good job of writing it such that it didn’t require extensive knowledge, which is good, but of course the reason I don’t know how to play is because it doesn’t really stimulate me.

Kind of like sports films only I’d rather see a poker film than a sports film. However, I’m sure my lack of knowledge diffused its effectiveness to some degree.

And two, you have some clichés that kind of hurt it in my opinion.

SPOILERS

Player 2 scratches his head in wonder. Later Cap furiously scratches his head. Do people actually do this? I know it’s been a film and TV cliché for many years but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen this in real life. I could be wrong.

If some rich guy with a briefcase full of money waltzed in and started kicking my butt at cards, I’d think he was a hustler. Yet no one suspected.

I could see the whole “it’s the devil” thing. It was very telegraphed. Naming him Dante, nicknamed Inferno, didn’t help disguise it. I was okay with that, though, because the character was well written up until…... horns? I thought he was going to have a tail and pitchfork.

I did enjoy it overall though. It seemed to me that maybe you were concentrating so hard on the basic premise of it (which was good) that you maybe rushed the actual dialogue and character development a bit.

Recap

Premise: good. Writing: good. Description: very good except for the head scratching (which kind of made me think of cartoons) and a devil with horns may as well have hoofed feet, a goatee and look like Bela Lugosi (actually that would be cool).

Greg,

Thanks a bunch for the feedback.  As far as I know, a character should be referred to by their general description (Tall Man, Cop, Hooker, etc.) until they are referred to by name.  I can see where you're coming from with the 3 page thing, but I was thinking of maintaining a little aura of mystery with him for a bit.

I didn't give Players 1-3 names because I didn't think they were that important to the story.

And I totally agree that inferno can be a funny word, but I think Bert's usage in Starrbuck Star is much funnier because of the pause, and it doesn't tip anything off.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson However, I’m sure my lack of knowledge diffused its effectiveness to some degree.

Probably not.  I myself, know nothing about poker, and most of my references were found through online research.

SPOILERS

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Player 2 scratches his head in wonder. Later Cap furiously scratches his head. Do people actually do this? I know it’s been a film and TV cliché for many years but I don’t believe I’ve ever seen this in real life. I could be wrong.

No, you're probably right.  I'm just one of those people who does a lot of talking with their hands, and it probably creeps into my characters.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I could see the whole “it’s the devil” thing. It was very telegraphed. Naming him Dante, nicknamed Inferno, didn’t help disguise it. I was okay with that, though, because the character was well written up until…... horns? I thought he was going to have a tail and pitchfork.

I tipped the devil a little bit (ok, maybe a lot) on purpose.  I was hoping that people would kinda get the devil thing in their minds and then presume that Cap was going to be offered to sell his soul for the buy in money, but then get thrown for a loop.  The horns under the hat was just a little more of a descriptive thing for me since I kinda pictured Inferno looking like Jason Lee in Dogma, only a little older.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I did enjoy it overall though. It seemed to me that maybe you were concentrating so hard on the basic premise of it (which was good) that you maybe rushed the actual dialogue and character development a bit.

  This whole script was rushed.  Three hours in the writing here, done during scattered breaks and lunchtime of a dead workday.


Thanks a lot for taking a look.


Mike