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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Appalachia Moderators: bert
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  Author    Appalachia  (currently 3136 views)
Don
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Appalachia by Jonathan Terry - Short - Sam Jenkins, a simple farmer fighting to produce a crop when winter hits his town early, faces a spreading epidemic that threatens not only his farm, but the fate of his entire family. - html, format


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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 17th, 2005, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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This is a little something I wrote during Thanksgiving break.  I really wanted to paint a picture of human emotion and internal turmoil, which is totally different than what I'm used to doing.

Hope everyone enjoys.

T.I.N.


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BigBadBrian
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 12:19am Report to Moderator
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T.I.N I am going to read this tomorrow.
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Spoilers Within…




The first scene is a little bit like a direct description from a book and you say it’s adapted so… And just so you know that really is copyright infringement I believe even for a fanfic.

Theirs being inspired and theirs copying and as writers copying something word for word should not be in our books unless we’re famous and adapting something but don’t want to change it like with Sin City.

The descriptions are too in depth, if it’s not necessary to the plot or the story cut it out.

As the sunlight hits his face, Sam puts a hand to his brow and shades his eyes.  A sudden chill runs up his body. His jaw stretches open in a huge YAWN, making his BREATH VISIBLE as he exhales.

This is what I mean; it reads like you took a whole passage from the book and put it in your script. If you didn’t you are good with descriptions but this many too soon will overwhelm the reader. Again it’s some beautiful description and a credit to you if you wrote this.

You don’t describe your characters much if at all either, I look for a visual comparison and you don’t give me much but for him being muscular.

Cows Moo in thanks? I never knew this.

Annabelle's emotions start to take the best of her.  A sob rises into her throat, tears quickly following. – How can you show this?

Annabelle’s speech in Jon’s bedroom is one of those on the nose dialogue things that hurt films, especially drama’s.

Why the descriptions of animal feces and human vomit? Can’t this stuff be done off screen and mentioned in dialogue?

One bullet.  But that's all he needs. – Too much description again, almost like a film noir.

I haven’t been telling you every scene that has way too much as it would make my review about 10 pages. Seriously all this extra details is useless and eventually other people will tell you the same thing unless they don’t care to be honest and just want reads. I’m not doing this for an exchange so who do you think is being more honest?

It’s kind of like a dramatic Cabin fever ha-ha of course if you hated that film you won’t take that as a compliment but it kind of is because I thought Cabin Fever was a good idea maybe not executed to a stellar film but the idea was good.

Overall it gets boring at times as you have way too much description doing way to much, without it the script may be a lot shorter, better paced and so on to make it something great.

The writing is good, don’t get me wrong but the description makes it boring. Good story, characters and plot.

If you do rewrites I guarantee it can only get better although people generally don’t enjoy reading something twice especially if the rewrites change very little.

Well that concludes my little review, good read and I hope the description is all yours and not lifted from a book because if so you’ve got a good career ahead in books and/or writing on some level.



Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Wesley.  I highly appreciate your review.

First off, let me assure you that I didn't steal any descriptions from the novel.  In fact, the only thing I used from the book was him setting himself on fire at the end(which was actually a woman in the novel).  I wasn't even sure if I had to give the author credit for that but I did anyway.  But, I will take that as a complement sees as how you thought I copied some of the descriptions.  The plot, characters, dialouge, and descriptions are all mine.

I totally understand about the descriptions.  I have always said way to much and its something I've struggled with.  I try despretly to say the important facts but I do tend to go off sometimes.

And the dialouge in Annabelle's scene is very on the nose but I didn't know any other way to show it.  I really wanted it to just be Annabelle talking and Sam watching, for dramatic effect.

Anyway, thanks so much for the constructive criticism and the good remarks.

T.I.N.


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Martin
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. I liked the the tone and the slow building sense of dread. You're a good descriptive writer but as Wesley says, you tend to describe a little too much. Sometimes you detail every single action. It's not necessary and it slows the reader down.

A couple of typos/notes:

'creaks' not 'creeks'

'shutters' not 'shudders'

'udders' not 'utters'

'Sam sits on the front porch, an AFGHAN wrapped around his shoulders.' I was confused by this being in caps. I thought you were introducing a character, either a type of dog or a man from Afghanistan

I liked the story. I'm not sure how much is yours since I haven't read the book, but it is a good story and your characters are pretty well developed.

The scene with Annabelle in the child's room is too expository. Everything is well described but the dialogue is pure exposition. Try removing the dialogue entirely, you'll find we get the idea that they lost a child from their actions alone.

I thought the flashback near the end with all the vomit and blood was a little too much.

Overall, it's a good script that kept my interest despite being overly descriptive at times.

Good work
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review Dr. Mabuse.  I really glad you digged the building of suspense.  That was exactly what I was going for.  And about the Afghan being in caps, in an earlier draft it played a small role in things but I disgarded it later on.  Sorry if I confused you.

I'll reiterate this once more, because I confused a lot of people.  The ONLY thing I took from the novel was the man setting himself and his home of fire.  Everything else is mine but I felt I should give the author credit for the idea.

Anyway, Thanks again.  Glad you enjoyed it.


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greg
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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I was going to ask how much of this was yours, but since you only took that sequence, I don't know if you technically need to say "based on blah blah blah."  But whatever.  Anyway, here's some in-depth shtuff.

SPOILERS

*First and foremost, the ending.  I have two interpretations of this, so help me out here.  First, they don't actually say it, but was this the mad cow virus?  Interpretation 1: Sam had this virus all along and passed it to Jonathan, then it went to the cows, horses, Annabelle, and eventually killed him.  Interpretation 2: That teddy bear at the end threw me off.  Maybe THAT was the carrier of the virus which killed Jonathan and then went on its way to everything else.
*Work on your apostrophes.  There are several instances where you write "its" whereas it should be "it's."  Same with "your" when it should be "you're."  I'm an apostrophe freak, so these things eat away at me.
*The beginning is kind of slow, but it does build the mystery of what's going on.
*Annabelle's dialogue in Jonathan's room-too much if you ask me.  If she's going to be talking in there, chizzle it to just 2 powerful sentences or something.
*"I forbid you to think about this matter anymore." Reword that.
*I loved your visual descriptions of the virus in action with the vomit, blood, rotting, maggots, etc.  I'm really sick like that
*It was pretty saddening at the end when Annabelle passed, and I especially like how you dealed with Sam and didn't add in stupid lines like "OOOOH NOOO WAAAAH!" Sometimes actions speak more than words. Kudos to you!
*Your descriptions were kind of wordy, but it didn't bother me since they drew a clear picture in my mind of what was going on, and you didn't push them beyond 4 lines.

Overall, I was very impressed by this piece of work.  You're a very good writer, just work on your apostrophes and you'll be grammatically perfect.  This kind of reminded me of the movie "Signs," which I enjoyed very much. Ironically you got M. Night Shymalalaman as your avatar picture. Great work!


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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks a ton Greg.  Actually, now that you mentioned it, I wrote this piece as if M. Night was directing it.  He does that kind, slow camera movement/dialouge sort of thing which would be perfect for this piece.

As far as the virus.  It was not specifically mad cow.  It was just something I made up on the spot.  And Jonathan did not have the virus, nor did the bear(which was just there for a dramatic effect).  The cow was the carrier from the start and past it own.  It was Sam's neglectance that was everyone's downfall.

Grammer has never been my strong suit....just ask my English professor.  

Thanks


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sfpunk
Posted: December 21st, 2005, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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very good stuff, I don't really have anything to say other than what's being said except for the fact that you should write more in this style. You said it's a new thing for you but you pull if off well. The pacing seems ideal for how you write so it's something I'd recommend you do again. You just need an idea that you expand into a feature length.


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Shelton
Posted: December 21st, 2005, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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T.I.N,

Nice work here.  Right from the get-go I couldn't help but feel sorry for these people, and I thought it was a well rounded story concerning pestilence and plague.

Here's a couple of nitpicky things I noticed and some suggestions.

"The cows "MOO" in thanks."  I'm completely at a loss here.

"Somethings are better left to more qualified people".  SOME THINGS - 2 words.

"A virus is that dangerous?"  This should be broken up into 2 questions.

You go from Dr. Myers in the house saying "The virus will eat anything in it's path" right to the front porch where he says "So how bout that weather?"  They just don't seem to work right next to each other.  There should be something in between.

Household is one word.

The ladies "oh" to themselves?  This is kinda like the cow thing.

"Well I don't have a warrant so I can search the house."  CAN'T or warrant to search the house fits better.

I would totally eliminate the flashback and bank scenes.  When Sam coughs up the blood, it's obvious that he has the virus.  It doesn't need to be explained further through flashback.

The bank?  Well this guy is supposed to have fallen on some pretty hard times, so I doubt he would have enough money in the bank to warrant going there, and even then he's just going to burn himself up anyway.  Unless it's the money for his housefire.  Then he could close out his account and get like 15 bucks or something.

Overall, I think you did a really good job here, but I do have to agree with the previous posters regarding descriptions.  Most of them are great, but there are a few that have just a little too much.

Anyway, nice job, and keep up the good work!

Mike  


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Jonathan Terry
Posted: December 22nd, 2005, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review, Mike.  It is greatly appreciated.

As for the cow thing, it is most likely the curse of using too much description.  What I meant by this is simply what it says.  When I offer my dog some food it jumps around, barks, and licks my face to get the food.  I would say that my dog is "barking desperatly to get the food."  Its the same thing here.

As far as the bank, he was withdrawing all his funds to buy the gasoline.  Didn't know if you picked that up.

Thanks again.

T.I.N.


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George Willson
Posted: January 1st, 2006, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I ead your short and overall, I liked it. It had that air of ominousness that a good little suspense story should. I started taking notes as I read, but then decided to read it through and double check what's already been said. I would say it's high time for a rewrite so new readers can comment on new things and not just rehash what's gone before.

One thing that needs a lot of work are your descriptions, which I don't necessarily find too descriptive, but they have things in them that the camera cannot see. When you write descriptions, picture the scene and only write what the camera can actually show on screen. Things like the temperature (it is freezing), past actions (she lost the baby), emotions or inner workings of the body cannot be portrayed on screen and so the script becomes more difficult to picture. When I read, I try to "see" the actions happening and when I read "she lost the baby," I don't know what to picture because you just told me something instead of describing it.

I also second what has been said about the exposition about losing the baby. It seemed to run on a little long, and about the flashback being unnecessary.

Good job on this one. Give it a rewrite though so you can have people focus on other things that perhaps aren't so obvious.


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George Willson
Posted: January 1st, 2006, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jonathan Terry
As for the cow thing, it is most likely the curse of using too much description.  What I meant by this is simply what it says.  When I offer my dog some food it jumps around, barks, and licks my face to get the food.  I would say that my dog is "barking desperatly to get the food."  Its the same thing here.


I just noticed this, and thought I'd comment on it. Which do you think works better as a description?

I offer food to my dog. It barks desperately to get the food.
--or--
I offer food to my dog. It jumps around, barks, and licks my face.

In the first example, I picture a dog barking at you. I see it standing on the floor or ground and just yapping away non-stop. It might even be behind a fence because it is a dangerous dog and you're inching a bowl towards it that it desperately wants.

In the second, I picture a very playful dog leaping around in an excited fashion, perhaps stopping for a moment to bark, but then going into its playful spasms again. The second example, in my opinion, is far more effective than the first.

Just my two cents...and Wes, sorry about the second post, but my two posts are, in reality, completely unrelated so modifying the previous to accommodate this addition would relaly be non-sensical. Thought I'd say that before you commented on back-to-back posts...again.


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Jonathan Terry
Posted: January 1st, 2006, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks George for reading this.  I appreciate the comments.

As far as the descriptions, the only reason I said those was to make it clear what was happening.  Take it as me giving emphasis on the situation.  Sam steps outside, he looks at the sky and his breath shows.  Maybe I should have left it out and it really isn't necessary but I don't see the harm in it.

The reason I put "She lost the baby," is because Sam pulls back the sheets to see the bed covered in blood.  How else am I suppose to relay the message that this is because she lost the baby?  Dialouge wounldn't work because it is the climax and irrelevent dialouge would only chop it up.  Once again, I could have left this out but I wanted to make a point that his negligence caused his family's death.

Once again, thank you.  I doubt I'll do rewrites on this unless I, or someone else, were to film it.  It was just something off the top of my head I wrote during Thanksgiving break.

Thanks a million.  

T.I.N.


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