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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Demonic Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Demonic; Episode 101- The 'Demonic' by Brian Murdock - Series, Action, Sci Fi - The 'Demonic' are a race unknown to any humans. Who are they? What are they? The entire world has been turned to desert by them. Except for one city. Filled with refugees battling for their lives. - doc, format


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Shelton
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Brian,

Just got done with this.  


SPOILERS






Nice premise, but I'll have to wait for the next one to REALLY see what happens and what's going on since this seemed more like a character introduction episode, which I'll mention that you may have introduced a few too many here.  Considering that they are not leaving the station in this episode, you could hold off, and introduce some later.  This way you can really develop the ones that you do intro.

Some things I noticed:

Page 2:  Shane shoots a worried look on his face.  Usually a look is shot at someone else.

Page 3: Shane's shouting doesn't need to be capitalized.

Page 4: Val LAYS out three cards

Page 7: They killed my wife who was to wed me the next day.....Just sounds funny

Page 9: Of coarse (course) there is, Shane

Page 11: Blake hops off the latter (ladder).


And I think you should do a better job of describing the crazies and things(Demonics).  I just couldn't picture them.

Overall, like I said above, I think this is a good premise and I'll definitely check out the next one, but I think you can really tighten up your descriptions and dialogue a little, as well as end it a bit sooner.  It looked like you were going for a cliffhanger type ending, but it just didn't seem to fit.  Maybe end at the Demonics' arrival


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BigBadBrian
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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I see this episode does need to be tightened up. The second explains the Demonic more. Thank you for reading my script.

I'm looking for the script Disposable Heroes. Can you give me a link? I can't find it anywhere.

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Shelton
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Brian,

Hopefully this works.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1136214145/s-new/

If not, it's listed in the horror section toward the top.


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BigBadBrian
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks. Anyone else gonna give Demonic a read?
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Nixon
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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I'm almost done with the first episode, should have a review for you soon.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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Nixon
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this, it was a good way to start a series, but of course nothings perfect and there were a few things that bothered me.  

There are a few places where your descriptive paragraphs got a little confusing and you could improve on. One Example is:

"Blake who runs over to a small hole in the wall. When people get their weapons they start to fill up at the wall where there are small holes."

The dialogue, for the most part is fine, especially from between the Shane and Terri characters.

I'm looking forward to episode two.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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BigBadBrian
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Thank you. My review for you is coming shortly as well.
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bert
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 1:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey B.B.B.  Took a look at Episode 1 tonight.

There's a ton of typos in here, and this has the feel of an early draft.  The formatting (particularly the dialogue) is off, but all of that is easy to fix.

I seem to recall that you are reworking this episode, and that what is up now was submitted in haste. I will tell you that very, very seldom do people return to read rewritten material.  Make sure Episode 2 is as perfect as you can make it before you submit it.

You've got some nice action in the middle, and create a nice sense of dread with this malevolent "tower" that will surely play a role later.  Here are some things that I would change if this were mine:

(SPOILERS)

*  "Shawn" and "Shane":  These names are a little too close to each other.  It's confusing.
*  Shane's outburst is a little long, and (just being honest here) the wording is a bit immature.  Change this so it is not all CAPS, and shorten it by at least half, I think.
*  "The sun has now fallen behind the moon"?  What the heck does this mean?
*  Doors "creak", not "creek".  I usually don't beat up on spelling, but you are using this one quite a bit, and it is confusing when you describe a creek behind them.
*  You state that Mia "always sings".  She is not singing during this scene, is she?  It is incorrect to put these kind of details in the description.  The viewer will never see it.  You are supposed to establish this visually.  Show her singing at different points in the story and we'll get the point that way, gradually, as the story unfolds.
*  Shane needs to give Station 11 an "over and out" or something.  He just leaves the guy hanging.
*  You go into a lot of detail regarding their sleeping positions, and I am not sure you need to.  That, and the fact that it sounds an awful lot like some nightmarish hotel rooms from spring breaks past  
*  You definitely need to describe these "crazies" for us.  Are these the "desert people" or what?  How about bald and toothless, with thick sunglasses or something like that?  Whatever, but make them distinct and give us an image.
*  Hawke should not refer to Terri and Shane as "happy as clams".  Nobody is happy as a clam in this depressing scenario you've created, and I think you can wring more drama from their relationship if it is a troubled one.  In fact, I thought that was what you were going for.  
*  The end is a little abrupt.  You are clearly going for some kind of cliffhanger, but it feels like this scene is cut just a few seconds too early.  Is there something horrible beneath this cloak?  If so, have him remove the cloak, and make that our final scene.

So, nice job, Brian.  Maybe a few too many characters.  If it is not too late to hold some of these people back for episode 2, you might consider doing that.  But be sure to take your time with episode 2.  That's the main thing.  This one was a bit rushed, and it shows.  I look forward to checking out the next one.


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BigBadBrian
Posted: January 4th, 2006, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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Just a question, does anyone think episode 2 should be longer?
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greg
Posted: January 4th, 2006, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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It's a nice start, no question.  Center ALL of your dialogue.   Some of it starts right below the name and some of it starts next to the margin.  Gotta center it.  Besides that, the structure was pretty good.  Nice touch in slicing up the description.

On to the story.

You've got some nice imagery throughout the story, but at times I felt you really lacked.  The description of the Stations was just far too brief.  "This part of the giant city is just a big pile of rubble. Cars are smashed, stop signs bent, telephone poles have collapsed upon the ground."  The part that kinda gets me is the "giant city" line.  What does it look like?  Is it modern or futuristic?  Are there big buildings?  You got the specifics of the cars and poles and shtuff, but you should also include the general.

Shane: YOU BASTARDS! YOU STUPID! STUPID! BASTARDS! I HATE YOU! YOUíRE GOING TO GET IT! I SWEAR ON MY BROTHERíS BODY, YOU WILL DIE! DIE! AND ROT IN HELL LIKE WHERE YOU SHOULD BE!  This sounds more Shakespearic than it does threatening.  I'd put something like "YOU STUPID BASTARDS!  I SWEAR ON MY BROTHER'S BODY I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!" or something like that.  "you're going to get it" sounds really corny.

There are far too many characters in this, but it's mostly an introduction episode so I don't know how I can really get ya on this.  I like Hawke and Delaware but I think you should keep them strictly buddy-buddy.  I think the whole Delaware wanting him kinda throws it off.  I can see them as kick-ass monster killing rebels, but nothing more.

Franco, the guy obsessed with his dog, haha.  Nice touch of humor with him and his home movies.

You already said you're gonna get more into the Demonics in episode 2, so that's alright.  I think it's customary to say OVER after every transmission.

"I guarantee you will all be plagued." I found this more humorous than threatening.  None of the others are talking in poetic language, so I'd try to avoid shtuff like this.  One tiny line that caught me is when Ji says: No we are not.  Don't be like George Lucas, use a conjunction, please!!!

I think I disagree with Nixon.  The dialogue between Terri and Shane was kind of weak.  Some of it just isn't believable. "Look, canít you just come and enjoy dinner with us without acting like such a baby." Eh, I see that these guys are hardasses, but even if his bro did just die, would someone really say that?  I don't know, I really don't.

Overall, it's a good start and I think you got a nice concept here.  A little more description on the settings in future episodes would be nice though.  And to answer your question, 23 episodes is the standard length for a sitcom or something.  If you'd want this to air on Sci-fi or something, I'd write closer to 50 pages.  Maybe combine episodes 2 and 1, because there are ALOT of characters in this one and maybe the extra 30 pages can help.  Keep it up!


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BigBadBrian
Posted: January 4th, 2006, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you. Episode 2 is going to be longer.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: January 5th, 2006, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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This one is still on my list of to do's. I'll try and get to it tonight.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 106 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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BigBadBrian
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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I thank all who have read and given reviews. It is greatly appreciated by me.
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