SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 6:19am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Disposable Heroes Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Disposable Heroes  (currently 5467 views)
Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 10:02am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Disposable Heroes by Mike Shelton - Horror, Action - When a simple snatch and grab job goes horribly wrong, mobster Clark Cicero finds himself enlisted in a special division of the FBI. His first assignment is to recover the Necronomicon from the demons that guard it, before they can use it to unleash the army of dead and take over the world. 91 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Shelton  -  March 23rd, 2010, 3:17pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Shelton
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Hey Everyone,

This was formerly known as Project A.W.O.L in the WIP thread, and is my first dip into the horror/action genre.

Hope you enjoy it.


Mike


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 1 - 20
sfpunk
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
US
Posts
102
Posts Per Day
0.01
Mike, just found your script was posted and since it's snowing like crazy where I am I'll give it a read at some point. I'll try and give as much detailed feedback as I can although I'm not quite as good at it as some others on here but I'll do my best. I've been working on my script throughout the day since I can't go anywhere, but I will put aside a few hours to read yours. I'll post later on tonight with all the initial feedback I can come up with.

-Matt


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
sfpunk
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
US
Posts
102
Posts Per Day
0.01
Okay, so here is the feedback on your script that I promised you. Everything is in order, sorry if my feedback is long but I just wanted to point out anything that could possibly help you in the future.
-Quick question before I start, what software do you use to format? Looks like scriptwizard which is what I use

For anyone else that is going to read this script, my feedback contains SPOILERS

Format suggestions

-The only big thing is you don't capatilize anything in your action and description paragraphs other than names. I was under the impression that you have to capatilize all sounds and specific things (not just names) that you want attention drawn to. For example, one of your characters speaks over the loud speaker, and I just always thought that something like that should be caps. Correct me if I'm wrong.

-pg29
dialogue spills over to a new page without a continued or anything like that.

Okay, now to the story:

-First off, your beginning is very, very good. Does exactly what an opening sequence should do and that is to make the person want to read more. Nice. Very good dialogue with a little humor mixed it. Sets your tone well.

-pg5.
When Clark said what the christ are you doing? it just seemed weird to me. I've never heard anyone say that so you're probably trying to come up with your own phrase but it just didn't sound right to me. Sorry if I'm nitpicking but it was just something that bugged me. Go with the usual 'what the hell are you doing?' or some variation that sounds like something that is often said

-When the guy turns into the Vampire you have long action paragraphs. I don't know if this is a rule, probably more of a suggestion but I would break it down into shorter lines so you read down the page more rather than across. Again, if you're happy with how it reads and there's no rule to do what I said then ignore these comments but that is my suggestion.

-The question game around pg12 is a very nice touch. Again, good job in all the dialogue so far

-pg20
Again this may be a bit nitpicky but when Clark says Vampires and Werevolves don't exist it seems kind of strange. He just witnessed a vampire so he should believe in something like that. Maybe he should say something along the linfes of "oh you expect to believe the rest of those creatures exist too?"

-pg30 or so
this whole scene reminded me of the usual suspects. Certainly not a bad thing as I love that movie, just the way you described each man and their job made me think of that movie. Sorry if this isn't a helpful suggestion, just something to point out. Being compared to a great movie means you're on the right track.

-pg37
again, it would read alot better if you broke down your action paragraphs. I assume there are going to be a few of these coming up, so I won't say it everytime. This is my last suggestion for that as again, I don't know if it's just my personal preference.

-pg45
TEDDY
Man, that irony is a mother fucker.
I see your attempt at humor here and I guess it's funny, but it also seems a little too cool for the situation and out of place. There a few lines like that that seem funny but at the same time, overdone. Maybe wait for my opinions on those as I could be on my own about them being overdone.

-pg47
more dialogue spills over onto a new page

-pg58
I was actually waiting for a twist. I wouldn't say it was getting boring but it seemed your script was just lots of action and gangsta talk so I was waiting for the moment when a big twist came alone to move the story along. It's good that you sensed when to add it as like I said it seemed perfect timing to break the action right when it could have been turning stale.

-pg64
spelling error, since it's in word it's underlined in red, so you'll see which one I mean, you probably missed them since alot of the slang words are underlined in red so it's an easy miss, only one on page 64 though

-pg69
more dialogue spilling over to the next page. Again, I won't point put them out from now on since you know they are there. Just be on the lookout for them.

-One bad thing I have noticed so far, is that you have lots of characters and it is extremely hard to keep track of them all. Maybe delete a few if they are not characters that are important as you don't want to confuse the reader with unnecessary details

-Your basic premise is very good and the dailogue is very well written but the action does seem stale after a while. Maybe it's because I'm not the biggest fan of action movies like this but the action parts go on for too long and at times it seems to be a lot of killing zombies and vampires with no new plot points coming out.(maybe you could fix this by making the action parts read quicker *winkwink*) I can imagine it all though on screen and it seems very good for this genre (a nice original take on it) but it does seem a bit repetitive, again maybe because I'm not the biggest fan of these movies but credit to you for continuing to keep me reading on.

-pg78
that was funny with the CD hitting the zombie. Again another nice little touch

-The ending was nicely done. It shows that you want the readers to feel bad for the mobsters that they were used and treated so badly when they did everything they were asked for to save the world and they still don't get any thanks (at least I hope that was your intentions) as that's the way I felt

Overal, I think your script was pretty good. You may want to wait for feedback from people that are more into your style as you may get more useful comments but I hope that at least some of the things I said helped. The main things I liked where the dialogue (although some parts where over done) and how the beginning ultimately drew me in and made me want to finish reading it. The bad things are that the action scenes were often hard to read through in paragraph form and the abundance of characters got me confused. I think you need a little bit more story to fill it out as in my opinion it got repetitive at times. Still, a very good effort at this genre and it should be a compliment to you that I could read the whole thing considering it's not really in my prefered genre. I hope my comments are of some use, I'll clarify or justify any of my opinions that are unclear if you need me to
thanks,

-Matt


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
Shelton
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Matt,

Thanks a lot for the in depth feedback.  I'll try to answer your questions, and address some of the things you noticed.



Quoted from sfpunk
-Quick question before I start, what software do you use to format? Looks like scriptwizard which is what I use


I use RoughDraft, then usually copy and paste it into word.

SPOILERS

Format suggestions


Quoted from sfpunk
-The only big thing is you don't capatilize anything in your action and description paragraphs other than names.


Yeah, I tend to not use what I call "BatMan-isms" (POW, CRASH, ZOOM, BIFF, and the like.  I'm not sure if it's proper or not.  If it is I should start using them.


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg29 dialogue spills over to a new page without a continued or anything like that.


Just after I finished this, I started the thread about format on page.  CONT'D's seem to be an up in the air topic at this point, and usually I'll bump everything down.


Quoted from sfpunk
-First off, your beginning is very, very good. Does exactly what an opening sequence should do and that is to make the person want to read more. Nice. Very good dialogue with a little humor mixed it. Sets your tone well.


Thanks.  I was hoping it would be an effective hook.


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg5. When Clark said what the christ are you doing? it just seemed weird to me.


It is a little odd I'll admit, but I have actually heard people say this from time to time.


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg20
Again this may be a bit nitpicky but when Clark says Vampires and Werevolves don't exist it seems kind of strange.


I was trying to make it look like Clark really didn't know what he saw.  When he talks to Paul, he calls it a "thing'.  I should have used psycho or something


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg30 or so
this whole scene reminded me of the usual suspects.

Yeah, I can see that.  Might have been in my subconscience too, since I used it with the O'Sheas.


[quote=sfpunk]-pg37
again, it would read alot better if you broke down your action paragraphs.


Yeah, I had a hard time figuring out where to break things up.  I write this as a way to work on my descriptions, so I'm hoping to improve on that.


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg45
TEDDY
Man, that irony is a mother fucker.


Just Teddy being Teddy.


Quoted from sfpunk
-I was actually waiting for a twist.


I could definitely tell that it needed something.  I'm glad you think it worked out.


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg64
spelling error.


Yep, definitely missang an "s".


Quoted from sfpunk
-One bad thing I have noticed so far, is that you have lots of characters and it is extremely hard to keep track of them all. Maybe delete a few if they are not characters that are important as you don't want to confuse the reader with unnecessary details.


Anyone inparticular that you felt was unnecessary?


Quoted from sfpunk
-pg78
that was funny with the CD hitting the zombie. Again another nice little touch.


Yeah I had a lot of fun writing that entire sequence.  I just found the cd thing to be spontaneous and funny.


Quoted from sfpunk
- Still, a very good effort at this genre and it should be a compliment to you that I could read the whole thing considering it's not really in my prefered genre.


Trust me, this was alittle out of my element as well, since I write mostly comedy scripts.


Quoted from sfpunk
-I hope my comments are of some use


Absolutely!  I appreciate any and all feedback, and I thank you for taking the time to not only read my script, but to go into so much detail regarding.

And additional thanks for confirming my suspicions about my descriptive paragraphs.  I'll have to chop them up a bit.

Mike



Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 4 - 20
sfpunk
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
US
Posts
102
Posts Per Day
0.01
I think there was a part when the hispanic gang mentioned a few people, I just found like alot of names of mobsters were being thrown out and I kept losing track of who was who. I believe it was around that part but I don't know. Maybe that was just me not reading carefully enough and it would work fine on the screen but that's just what I found. Again, you'll have to just wait till you get more reviews as for now everything is just one persons opinion. As for the dialogue thing I don't know about the usage of more and cont'd. The software I use has bumped dialogue that crosses two pages onto the next page. However, if it was a long one and it needed splitting between two I don't know what'd do. I'll have to check it out and see.

As for descriptions I also have a hard time with that but I tend to break up my action paragraphs more to make it easier to read and flow better. The only longer paragraphs I use are for setting the scene as you don't need to read through that as fast as you do action scenes.


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 20
Shelton
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49

Quoted from sfpunk
I think there was a part when the hispanic gang mentioned a few people, I just found like alot of names of mobsters were being thrown out and I kept losing track of who was who.


Yeah I had to add in a handful of bit parts there, and it probably got confusing because I named them all, even though it wasn't really necessary.

On another note, I'll be taking a look at the first part of your thriller either tonight or tomorrow.  I had meant to do it sooner, but I got sent to Minnesota for a couple of days for a work emergency.



Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 6 - 20
Jaykur22
Posted: January 18th, 2006, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Boston
Posts
77
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Mike

I’ve been cruising around the site.  I took a look at your script…I’ve written one full length screenplay as well so I wasn’t looking for formatting issues or anything ( cause I wouldn’t know either way).   I was paying more attention to your story I’m kinda a newbie at this, but I was told in order for me to get my stuff read the best way to start is to start reading others so I started off with yours hope you don’t mind.   I apologize ahead of time, if this is not what your looking for.  When people critique my work if it occurs I’d hope for them to tell me what they didn’t like or suggest changes, because I can do something with that, so that’s what I did here.

Anywho, let’s get going here.  

First off overall I found your screenplay good.  If I were to categorize myself into a preferred genre it would be action comedy, something like Blade 3 or rundown.  However, I did enjoy your screenplay it seemed pretty close to what I like.  I found the one liners funny and appropriate most of the time.  I was looking at how other have critiqued your work so I kinda copied them hope it’s what your looking for.

9- I don’t get the arm out thumb down gesture, I was trying to picture someone in the mafia doing this, it seemed slightly out of place.

10-when the mafia turns the gun on the cops, I was totally surprised, it seemed almost random, I never anticipated that and I wasn’t sure how to react.  It seemed like kinda a dumb response.  I’m not sure why the scene was important either, I may have missed the point, lemme know your thoughts.

The you ask a question I ask a question bit, was perfect.  Excellent.

13- You refer to jurisdiction and how the FBI takes over a case.  I’m not sure how accurate you’d want to be.  If accuracy is important to you I could talk a little with you on that, but from reading the rest I don’t feel that was your goal.  It was at this point I started to think about your balance of realism and make believe.  With a clearly fictitious work it’s my thinking you try and keep everything as accurate as possible especially if they have to swallow the idea of vampires etc.  But I can see how you may disagree and that’s also cool and works in a story.  What do you think about this?  

16- dr. fangs…cool…but based on your writing I think you could do even better…count fangs…I dunno just brainstorming.  Small detail but it crossed my mind.

As for how the “FBI” is dressed, I’m getting the vibe of a Men in Black ripoff.   I think an audience may agree.  I like how you combined the concepts of Hellboy and Men in Black I think it’s a cool mix of themes from those to movies, but with he suits to me I think people may see this as a copy cat.

23- “I will kill you quickly” this is the first time we meet a vampire in the movie, that speaks.  I think that line could be so much more powerful and funny based on your main characters response.  

Pistol whipping=hilarious

Safe cracker bit=very good

39 shot in the arm guy just gets a bandage, doesn’t seem like enough.  Nevermind the fact that these guys shoot the people that recruit them and its not really a big deal.  The whole scene was weird, I don’t get the point…

Disposable Heroes=Perfect

40- Don’t get me wrong I like the brothers and their movie quoting, great idea.  It works throughout the screenplay.  However by the time I got to dumb and dumber I felt you did it too much, it too small a time frame.  I think in that scene you do it a couple times and you need to cut one, not necessarily the Dumb and Dumber one but it just seemed like a bit much to me.

First rule of the mafia line=funny

I felt the first fight with DEAZA was anticlimactic and too quickly over.  I also didn’t completely understand what happened to him.  Was he hit by the car??  I get why it was so quick because he’s not dead and all but that’s what went through my head at the time.  So if you want it to be a surprise that he’s not dead I’d suggest adding a bit to the battle.

I’m lost as to why both O’shea’s are dead.

When the shoot DEAZA and put him in the trunk, they should shoot him multiple times.  It be much more surprising when he rips it open again, and it would fit perfectly with the lines that follow.

WOP SQUAD=big fan

I felt like Robley betrayal wasn’t very meaningful because I didn’t know him.  Just a thought

Ok here I might get critical…up to page 60 I felt like this could truly be a movie.  However at page 60 you lost me, I can’t put my finger on it exactly but it stopped being a good movie.  It could’ve been the characters, I’ve looked at it again, I don’t know what it is but for some reason right then you lost me….however by 80 and on I liked it again.  Do you get that vibe when you read it?   I think your story just is too neat and clean.  Things happen just so perfectly I dunno, there’s just something about that chunk of your story I found too coincidental.

79 typo “speed right deaza”

Personal opinion I don’t like vampires and werewolves coming out of the ground.  Doesn’t seem to fit, with previous films books, that doesn’t make it bad though.  However if you developed a reason why this is the case I could go with you on it.  You did an awesome job explaining how to kill them, but other then the fact that it’s an undead army I didn’t feel like you explained why these creatures were coming from the ground.  Take that for what it is, not sure what your thoughts are…

I had a difficult time picturing the ending inferno scene.

91 when they are talking about not telling the press.  I thought he’d say something like go ahead no one will believe you, you’ll be trading your jail cell for a padded room…Just an idea

92 typo I think “partner our dead”

93 typo “reports move towards the car”

I hope you find this helpful and not overly critical.  I did laugh.  I reread some other critiques, and thought of something.  Let me premise this sentence with a thought on stereotypes, I don’t mind if people using them, it doesn’t matter either way now…Have you considered not following the stereotype with the African American/Latino gangs, that might give you an all new dimension to humor.  The leaders may be less stereotypical and could comment on their language use, cars, etc.  If you don’t get what I’m saying I’ll re explain.

You asked about unnecessary characters.  I can tell you memorable ones.  The prisoner with the bible, the brother O’shea, the big dude, and the originally recruited guy.  Ironic I didn’t use their names but I read it a while ago and am lazy.  I also liked the cd thing that was cool…I know my thoughts are random so just ask and I’ll explain what doesn’t make sense.

I love your title…very cool.  


Mason: "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
Stan Goodspeed: "I'll do my best."
Mason: "You're best. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen!"
Stan Goodspeed: "Carla was the prom queen."
Mason: "Really?"
Stan Goodspeed: "Yeah!"
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
Shelton
Posted: January 18th, 2006, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Jay, thanks for the feedback, and I'm going to try and answer as many questions as I can.


Quoted from Jaykur22

9- I don’t get the arm out thumb down gesture, I was trying to picture someone in the mafia doing this, it seemed slightly out of place.


I can see what you mean.  Usually this is seen as a really slow movement, but I was going for the exact opposite.  Just a quick thumbs down to drive his point home.


Quoted from Jaykur22
10-when the mafia turns the gun on the cops, I was totally surprised, it seemed almost random, I never anticipated that and I wasn’t sure how to react.  It seemed like kinda a dumb response.  I’m not sure why the scene was important either, I may have missed the point, lemme know your thoughts.


It was the easiest and most justifiable way I could think of to kill them off at that point.



Quoted from Jaykur22

The you ask a question I ask a question bit, was perfect.  Excellent.


Thanks, I liked that scene myself.


Quoted from Jaykur22
13- You refer to jurisdiction and how the FBI takes over a case.  I’m not sure how accurate you’d want to be.


I'll admit to not doing any research there.



Quoted from Jaykur22
16- dr. fangs…cool

Dr. Teeth is a Muppet.  It was almost Count Chocula.



Quoted from Jaykur22
As for how the “FBI” is dressed, I’m getting the vibe of a Men in Black ripoff.


I figured most people would get that idea, or reservoir dogs, which was a bigger influence on me.

  

Quoted from Jaykur22
Pistol whipping=hilarious


Thanks, I thought it made for a quality kill.


Quoted from Jaykur22
Safe cracker bit=very good


I think Teddy was my favorite character to write overall.


Quoted from Jaykur22
39 shot in the arm guy just gets a bandage, doesn’t seem like enough.


It was more of a graze.  I'm horrible with descriptions.


Quoted from Jaykur22
40- Don’t get me wrong I like the brothers and their movie quoting, great idea.  It works throughout the screenplay.  However by the time I got to dumb and dumber I felt you did it too much, it too small a time frame.


You've confirmed my suspicions.  When I created those tow, I had a bad feeling that they would have to be used very sparingly, and when I kept thinking of movie lines that fit in certain spots, I knew they would have to go.



Quoted from Jaykur22
I felt the first fight with DEAZA was anticlimactic and too quickly over.  I also didn’t completely understand what happened to him.  Was he hit by the car??  


He was flying through the air, and was going to slam Paul through the windshield, but Clark's spinning of the car ruined his aim, causing him to slam into the passenger door himself.


Quoted from Jaykur22
I’m lost as to why both O’shea’s are dead.


Timmy took a bad hit and was unable to go on.  Due to the connection between the two brothers, Patrick stayed and went down with him.  Make sense?


Quoted from Jaykur22
Ok here I might get critical…up to page 60 I felt like this could truly be a movie.  However at page 60 you lost me, I can’t put my finger on it exactly but it stopped being a good movie...however by 80 and on I liked it again.

Yeah, there's a lot of different elements of the story going on here. The Pimps, the Mafia, the explanation of what's going on with Orthu, Deaza, and Robley, the thing with Bo.  A lot of stuff.


Quoted from Jaykur22
Personal opinion I don’t like vampires and werewolves coming out of the ground.


I just grew tired of having them dart out from everywhere, and I was looking for a cool visual to have a bunch of them appear at once.


Quoted from Jaykur22
I had a difficult time picturing the ending inferno scene.


Yeah, there's a lot going on there, and again, descriptions are a work in progress for me.



Quoted from Jaykur22
Let me premise this sentence with a thought on stereotypes, I don’t mind if people using them, it doesn’t matter either way now…Have you considered not following the stereotype with the African American/Latino gangs.


I hadn't really thought about changing it like that.  I had the thought to use an urban gang to complement the mafia, so I came up with the Pimps and created T-Boo, another African American member, Two Hispanics, and one White.  I tried to keep things somewhat orderly, and the payoff in that was really in the "jumping car" scene and T-Boo with Bo.



Quoted from Jaykur22
You asked about unnecessary characters.  I can tell you memorable ones.  The prisoner with the bible, the brother O’shea, the big dude, and the originally recruited guy.


You didn't like Teddy?


Quoted from Jaykur22
I also liked the cd thing that was cool.


Yeah, I laughed a little as I wrote that.


Quoted from Jaykur22
I love your title…very cool.


I thank some of the other board members for getting on me about the original title from the WIp thread, and I thank you for the in-depth review.





Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 8 - 20
The boy who could fly
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1387
Posts Per Day
0.21
fun script.  I really liked the opening with clark and Jimmy, there's some really good dialog there.  One thing that didn't feel quite right in the script is after Jimmy is killed and clark is taken by the FBI, he doesn't seem like still freaked out of what just happened, even though it happened only a few hours before, I would think that he would be in a panic and still freaking after seeing a vampire rip apart his partner, he just seemd to have a kind of  "shit happenes" attitude, which maybe his character is like, but I think anyone, asshole or not, who just saw a vampire would be freaking out for a long time, but other than that I thought it was pretty good.  keep up the good work.


Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 9 - 20
Shelton
Posted: February 16th, 2006, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Drexel,

Thanks for looking, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I suppose Clark could use a little more freaking out.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 10 - 20
George Willson
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
3591
Posts Per Day
0.51
Ok, I read it.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Might watch your action paragraph lengths. You occasionally go over the 4 line limit. Just need to double space between some sentences in the long ones. It makes it easier to read.

Also, watch your use of "begins" and "starts to's" in the description. 90% of all action either happen or they don't. Clark cannot "begin to fire" at the control room. He fires at the control room or he doesn't (pg 39). You can't start to walk. You either walk or you don't. However, just to clarify, you can begin to eat your dinner...why? Because you can stop before the action is complete. It's in that tiny little 10% of actions that can be stopped before they are completed.

Nice intro. Got enough going on in those opening pages to grip the audience. Well done there. I'm hoping this whole transforming vampire bit gets a through explanation later on.

Dialogue: Pg 9 Vito says, "Need somethin' boss?" Redundant. Boss called, so he needs something.

Pg 13: "A copy of our interrogation" Is that the right word? Doesn't seem right, but I'm not a legal consultant. I'm thinking it should be something else.

Pg 16: You could trim the dialogue by leaving out "In layman's terms" since it is clear he is defining the word.

The FBI Interrogation scene: Everyhting you wanted to know about the backstory but were afraid to ask. This scene is 7 pages long. That's 4 minutes longer than the attention span of your target audience. It's all very static. Talking heads. Asking questions. Getting answers. I presume it's probably a grey room with a bare hanging lightbulb too. As interesting as the info is, the scene is very, very boring. This info needs to be delivered, but it needs to be done in a way that breaks it up with some kind of motion.

Think about The Terminator. That movie had an enormous backstory that was delivered by Kyle Reese in its entirety. How was it done? During a car chase against the Terminator. Kyle gives Sarah some tidbits, then holds off the Terminator. Gives some more. Steers some more. By the time the chase ends, we're pretty well done with the backstory and ready to move on.

You need to deliver your critical info as well, but it has to be done in an engaging way and broken up with some kind of motion to keep the audience excited. Perhaps rather than explain everything, he is handed over to Green after a minimal amount of information. They go out on a small job to warm Clark up and make him believe. As they drive, Green gives some info as Clark asks questions. They spot one of their targets. Brief explanation about the movie thing and what they're chasing. They get out and battle this critter. Once over, Green gives a litle more info using their captive (or whatever they do with him) as proof which would sway Clark much more easily than the stale room. At the end, Clark could find out the real question he wants to know and that's the contents of the box and why they want it so bad. My two cents there. Moving on.

pg 27: The recently received news...there's gotta be a more dramatic way to get this news. It sounds liek they've had it for awhile, and haven't been doing anything about it. Kind of an "oh, how convenient" kind of moment.

Pg 28: the list: So far, we as an audience have very little idea of the threat here. We just saw Clark beat the crap out of a vampire, and so far, we know that Deaza is exactly the same way, so why do we need to misfits? It seems odd that the FBI would so easily agree to it.

Patrick and Timmy are amusing. Hoping some sort of backstory comes out to explain this little oddity.

Pg 40: "This upsets Bo, and he lets them know it." Um, how? This isn't something showable.

Pg 45: The heads rolling in. That was hilarious as morbid as it was.

Pg 46: Why did Deaza run? So far, these guys have done nothing to indicate they are in any way dangerous.

Pg 48: They say that Deaza flew away, and yet on pg 46, he runs away. Missed the bit where he flew.

Pg 50: Why did Deaza take Paul? Seems strange as well. Hoping there's a good explanation. Incidentally, the diner would have been a good place to intro us to Deaza and give him a little character before he ran/flew off.

?! Why did Deaza fly into a car and thereby relinquish the book? I don't get it.

Whoa, okay. I really don't get it. It looks like the Deaza crash down was for the sole purpose of creating a little chase to beef up the plot a little bit. Here's an alternative to fix this little section and keep the gist of what just happened but add a little sense and drama to it as well. Just my own thoughts. Deaza comes out and monologues like a good villain. Meanwhile, someone decides to creep into the kitchen where he came from since he doesn't have the book with him. They find the book and let everyone know. Everyone blazes guns causing Deaza to take cover. As they make their escape, Deaza could swoop down into the big guy (Bo, I think) who take his hit, and rolls Deaza into the side of the car, knocking him out. Big chase scene as is where Deaza finally swoops down and swipes the book with Robley.

Pg 61: Comment about making sure the body was dead. I was kinda wondering why they didn't pop a shot in his noggin.

Pg 63: It still seems a little unbelievable that they would walk instead of finding some sort of transportation even though on of them explains it...sort of.

The big chase that occurs in here involves running up against a lot of different creatures that the boys blow away really easily. It almost seems like they are just against numbers and there's no challenge to any of it. It would almost be a better thing for them to meet fewer enemies but run into more problems in dispatching them.

Pg 85: "Teddy removes Trent's arm from around him" When did Trent's arm get around Teddy?

Pg 86: The Catholic exorcism prayer is not found in the bible. It is a prayer found in a separate book of Catholic prayers. If he has a Catholic printing of the Bible, there is a slim chance this is in there, but I believe this would have to be specified early on, since most people would presume that Trent is carrying a standard Bible containing only the 66 Canon books.

Pg 94: Be nice to know how Deaza survived the fireball...or at least THAT he survived.

Ok, one thing as I've finished. They beat Deaza far too easily for him to be the villain. It seems with him gone, the villain's role shifts to this Orthu character, who we met not too long before the end. Whoever the real villain is in this story needs to be well-established from the beginning, well rounded throughout, and be a true menace at the end. Orthu appears to be the main enemy since he factors into the climax, so he needs to be setup really well from early in the story, show that he controls Deaza and his actions, and indicate what is going on behind the scenes. If not this, then Deaza needs to indicate that he is not in charge making us wonder who is since the bureau says Deaza's the guy.

The basics of the story are good, but it just needs a little work on execution. It is possible that the fight scenes with all the bad guys that go so quickly in the script can be extended in the shooting, but it might be nice to have a little danger or conflict beyond "They blow them all away and move on" kind of thing.

Keep up the good work.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
James McClung
Posted: February 26th, 2006, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
I read the opening scene of this yesterday. At first, I thought the combination of the gangster subgenre and supernatural horror was a little weird, granted original, but I see you've managed to pull it off. I'll have a review of the rest up hopefully tonight otherwise sometime this week. I've enjoyed what I've read so far and think I'll enjoy the rest.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
James McClung
Posted: February 26th, 2006, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3293
Posts Per Day
0.49
Okay, done.

This was a pretty good read. There've been movies about government agencies dealing with the supernatural but I don't think any of them have involved gangsters. I thought that was a nice touch. It also made the script much funnier since gangsters seem like they wouldn't have any patience dealing with vampires, werewolves, and zombies. I think that's good since comedy seems to be your staple.

A few things before getting to the good stuff...

pg. 12 - During the interrogation, Clark makes an attempt to avoid talking about his mob ties but quickly admits to the snatch and grab with Jimmy. I think it'd make more sense for him to offer some resistance first.

pg. 15 - Wouldn't Clark find it strange that the FBI knows that what attacked him was a vampire? I think he'd ask a question or two.

pg. 19 - I don't think Clark's the kind of guy to use "yay." I'd say change that.

I think the training was a bit too easy. I think it'd work better if Clark got banged up a little.

pg. 45 - "Man, that irony is a motherfucker." - Excellent line.

Also, it'd be cool is Bo said something at some point before he turns into a vampire. Think Silent Bob. In all of Kevin Smith's movies, whenever he decided to talk, it was either funny, insiteful, or a vital piece of information. Bo could do the same.

Now the good stuff...

A few people have said that there's a lot of characters to keep track of. I agree that you could lose some. Mostly a few minor characters like some of the less talkative Ace Pimps and Paulie Jr's crew. I think you could lose Trent as well since he and Clark are basically the same (they are brothers after all). You could take his religious schtick and transfer it to Teddy which would help set his character apart as well. I got Trent confused with Teddy a few times too.

I agree with George about establishing the villain at the begining of the story as well. I'd say go with Orthu since Daeza makes an excellent "enforcer" type.

Finally, the third act wasn't bad but it was a little tedious. It's pretty much action all the way until they get to the cave. A few scenes should stay the same (e.g. Bo getting bitten) but others could be reworked in order to be more interesting. Also, too much happens on the journey to the cave and not enough at the cave itself. Once they get there, it's too easy. They just read the passage and that's it. The whole time, Orthu is just kind of chilling out. I think you could take some of the action from the journey and integrate it into the final destination.

All in all, this was an enjoyable read for me. Some good laughs, good action, and some excellent references to other films. Good job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
Shelton
Posted: February 27th, 2006, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Thanks for the read George, and for looking at the beginning, James.

Yeah, this story has some issues, definitely.  I really wanted to do something different than I usually do, and this one had been on the backburner for quite some time.  Although this wasn't the second script I completed, it was the second project I started working on, long before my hiatus from writing that occurred a few years back.

Descriptions were a huge problem for me at the time, especially when it came to length.  I think that's why I put this one off for as long as I did, considering it was action, and I knew how important they would be.  Hopefully people have been able to spot improvement in my more recent works, and will see it in my rewrite of this.

I definitely agree with your issues regarding the Deaza character, and the lack of real conflict.  I have a few things jotted down that I hope will rectify that.

I think the confusion between the running/flying sequence on pages 46-48 is due to the second chase not being shown.  He runs out of the diner, but while Green and Teddy are chasing him is when he flies away.  

The bureau states that Deaza is the guy currently guarding the book, but he reports to a higher power, Orthu.

Overall, out of everything I've written, I'd say this one needs the most work.  Can't say that it surprises me too much since it is really out of genre for me, but is one step closer to having one feature for every genre.  At least something rough.

Thanks for reading.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006