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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The News Today Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The News Today by J.P.S. - Short - This is what happens when a mom holds on to her sensitive daughter for too long. - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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I_M
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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My second short.

The title has nothing to do with the story, I spaced out when I was writing this.

Well...I hope you like it.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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Helio
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey JPS, it is a nice and funny piece, but without Cut to -zoom in etc. Rewrite it and place it again, before others buddies see it.

Good work anyway.

Helio
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I_M
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Thanks...OK, I'm gonna take out the cut to and zoom stuff.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Co-Founder of The ImagiNation

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Also, take out the "We see"'s.  I personally don't have a problem with it but I know other people ont his site who refuse to read scripts if that's in there.


Newest Scripts

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Helio
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Could you see Nadine talking about these camera-moving-direction problems?
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I_M
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Yep. OK, changing right away.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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I_M
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Helio
Could you see Nadine talking about these camera-moving-direction problems?


Lol, yep.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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I_M
Posted: January 16th, 2006, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Any other suggestions?


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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I_M
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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I've taken out the cut to's and zoom to's and we see's.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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Gaara
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Pretty good script, the formatting seems okay and the story flows well.

But why put their exact age. Unless they all introduce themselves as 16 you could just has easily put that they were in their 'mid-teens'.

Also at the start you say that


Quoted Text
The year is 1990


How do we know this? Give a way for the year to appear on screen such as a subtitle or maybe show someone writing in a diary with the year 1990 on it. Something to show what year it is.


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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I_M
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Thanks for the feedback. I guess I'll put a subtitle.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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Antemasque
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

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Jeez. You should see the stuff i write when i space out. Some of it is pretty crazy.

Anyway funny little script you got here E.T.
I enjoyed it.  
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I_M
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Thanks...I'm going to search for one of your scripts and reveiw. I'll be searching...lol.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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Shelton
Posted: February 13th, 2006, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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E.T,

Don't know what to say here, except I can't classify this script.

Is it a comedy?  Is it some "Mommie Dearest" type script with the goofy mother?  At first I thought it was a comedy, and you were just overusing the "My daughter is a retard" bit, until she jammed a spoon in her mouth.  Then I was lost.

In terms of the retard thing.  In the classroom, why not make Tammy do something that would really give off that impression instead of drawing a picture of them going to Food 4 Less, how about she's eating paste or gluing her fingers together or something?

There's so much potential funny here that I think was missed.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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