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I think Leon was the only genuinely funny character in the script, but the other ones could be if their quirks were played to a little more.
I think the best part of this, overall, was in the structure. Character intros and goals, the roadblock, and then the climax all fit together nicely. A few things I noticed.
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Leon's poem would be far too long to sit and watch.
Is it Bill or Ben?
The could of's, would of's, and should of's. These should be changed to could've, would've, and should've.
I was rather pleased with the ending, as it strayed away from the usual formula.
Overall, a nice effort, but this really needs to be proofed, proofed, and then proofed again since the grammar and spelling issues fall on the heavy side.
Yeah I gathered it'd need a couple redraftings. It actually is Bill, so I'll make sure to go through and change that. I agree that the characters still need to be fleshed out too.
I do consider it a dramedy more then a pure comedy, so I think a lot of it is how I see it played out in my head. You know. I find the store scenes to be the funniest and are played for pure comedy.
Alright Topher i promised you i would read this and i did. But i didn't see the 'spark' in it. Like the thing that keeps it moving. I read it all so i was entertained but not fully. Maybe a rewrite with some better ideas and what not could be used? I don't know but i think it could be much better.
Thanks for the comments. I'm in the middle of drafting and casting. I'm looking to begin filming sometime mid-late May. Any suggestions for how I could give this an edge?
Well, i know you statretd filming, but i read it anyway.
I ilike dit. The nest part was Steve tackling Jerry nea the end, it was perfectly random, and just amazingly hilarious. Some of your dialogue worked very well, where other parts fell flat, but tha is the sort of thing that gets smoothed out during filming.
Certain questions that have no question mark i found to be annoying.
I really liked the store manager, and think you should have another interviewing scene, perhaps build rellationships more their, if you can film any more.