SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:47am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Good Try, We Don't Like It Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Good Try, We Don't Like It  (currently 3051 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:06am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Good Try, We Don't Like It by Topher Ryves and Bruce Snyder - Comedy - A guy, Jerry, falls for his best friend, Audrey.  - rtf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:51am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
this is a rought draft of the script. Currently some of the formatting is off as well, and I'm going to have an html draft hopefully up soon.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 1 - 9
Shelton
Posted: January 16th, 2006, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
Topher and Bruce,

Just finished this up, and not bad.

I think Leon was the only genuinely funny character in the script, but the other ones could be if their quirks were played to a little more.

I think the best part of this, overall, was in the structure.  Character intros and goals, the roadblock, and then the climax all fit together nicely.  A few things I noticed.

Pg. 11 - SimplyScripts Plug....LOL

Leon's poem would be far too long to sit and watch.

Is it Bill or Ben?

The could of's, would of's, and should of's.  These should be changed to could've, would've, and should've.

I was rather pleased with the ending, as it strayed away from the usual formula.

Overall, a nice effort, but this really needs to be proofed, proofed, and then proofed again since the grammar and spelling issues fall on the heavy side.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 2 - 9
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 16th, 2006, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
Yeah I gathered it'd need a couple redraftings. It actually is Bill, so I'll make sure to go through and change that. I agree that the characters still need to be fleshed out too.

I do consider it a dramedy more then a pure comedy, so I think a lot of it is how I see it played out in my head. You know. I find the store scenes to be the funniest and are played for pure comedy.

Thanxs for the reveiw Mike, it helps.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 3 - 9
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 18th, 2006, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
anyone else care to read?

Please.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Chris_MacGuffin  -  January 20th, 2006, 12:02pm
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 4 - 9
Antemasque
Posted: January 31st, 2006, 9:55am Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
Alright Topher i promised you i would read this and i did. But i didn't see the 'spark' in it. Like the thing that keeps it moving. I read it all so i was entertained but not fully. Maybe a rewrite with some better ideas and what not could be used? I don't know but i think it could be much better.

6/10
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
Bluetone
Posted: February 22nd, 2006, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Jersey, Channel Islands
Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Topher,

Haven't read many scripts, so this is a layman's opinion.

I liked it overall, but I agree with the previous opinion. If you found an edge, then it could help drive it forward a touch more.

That's my humble opinion.

Peter
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: March 3rd, 2006, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
Thanks for the comments. I'm in the middle of drafting and casting.  I'm looking to begin filming sometime mid-late May. Any suggestions for how I could give this an edge?
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 7 - 9
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
The film is now in production and about 60 minutes of this have been filmed. I'm looking for people to help with the PR campaign.

Revision History (1 edits)
Chris_MacGuffin  -  August 23rd, 2006, 1:32pm
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 8 - 9
Higgonaitor
Posted: August 30th, 2006, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
934
Posts Per Day
0.13
Well, i know you statretd filming, but i read it anyway.

I ilike dit.  The nest part was Steve tackling Jerry nea the end, it was perfectly random, and just amazingly hilarious.  Some of your dialogue worked very well, where other parts fell flat, but tha is the sort of thing that gets smoothed out during filming.

Certain questions that have no question mark i found to be annoying.

I really liked the store manager, and think you should have another interviewing scene, perhaps build rellationships more their, if you can film any more.

I enjoyed it, so good job.

Tyler.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006