Level One by Andrew Roby - Short, Western - Marv must find out who destroyed the General Store. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - html, format

SORT OF SPOILERS *******



You wrote "one mad stand" - you dropped the 's'. No description of Marv at all here?

You wrote "Marv picks up the shotgun and the box of shells and starts walking of in the distance" - You wrote of instead of "off"

Is "Emptiness" the name of a place or is it literally emptiness? I thought this had to be the location part in a slugline...?

Mighty interesting song you got here! LOL! More nods to the forum peeps, lol!!

You wrote - "So it was you. All along it was you!?! Why did you do it." But you forgot to put the ? at the end.

This was very short. A mighty interesting angle though, with it being a game and all, but it felt very rushed and a bit random to be honest with you. I think the western slang could have been stronger, to give it more of a western feel. I do think it has room for improvement, as I did like the concept. Just the delivery was a little weak, sorry.

Andy xxx

Well, first of all, I love the punchline at the end. I picked up that this is what was going on right from the get-go, but love how it was rounded out.

The dialogue was a little bad-grammared (Helio, is that you?) there at the beginning, and it stayed that way until you reached a bit with Guy Jackson, when the dialogue suddenly improved and became a lot more natural.

Several typos across the descriptions. "One man stands" , "He looks to the ground and sees" (no apostrophe), "starts walking off in the distance", and that's just the first scene.

So, it went by really, really quick, and felt more like a long joke than a story...but that was still a cool punchline.

George was acting a fool? This isn't the whole cheese thing, is it?

Hahahahha this is one f*cked up short. I loved the retry part, reminded me of a short that's on this site somewhere. The kid got messed with

I think (maybe) I might know who this is.  We'll see...

(SPOILERS)

*  Unlike George, I didn't see the end coming at all.  It was then that the title, and even the retry (which was funny) all made perfect sense.
*  What the heck is "EXT. EMPTINESS"?  I guess I can visualize that, but it's still kind of weird.
*  I think near the very end I might have lost the cursing.  It was a bit of a jolt.

It's so funny to me how these stories keep popping up out of the woodwork.  I didn't see this one coming at all.  Nice job, and hang 'em high haha!

This was a pretty interesting read, and quick, which is good when there's twenty scripts to go through.

Interesting premise, and a pretty good take on the whole thing, but I too could see it coming.

Good short, and a nice finish.

Good work here but I think that EXT. EMPTINESS is the same as EXT. DESERT (I think):

"The dialogue was a little bad-grammared (Helio, is that you?) there at the beginning, and it stayed that way until you reached a bit with Guy Jackson, when the dialogue suddenly improved and became a lot more natural."


THANK YOU VERY MUCH! What HIGGING are you traying to say with this Wilson?


PS Remarkable bad grammatical influence here, isn't it? I'll make history!

Quoted from Helio What HIGGING are you traying to say with this Wilson?

Higging?  I'm confused..
Anyway, to be completely honest, I was pretty confused the entire script, then at the end I was like, oh, well that kind of works... but you could definetely re-write it so that it actually seem s more like a video,a nd still leave people in the darka bout the twist.  one thing that annoyed me:
MARV
Whoever destroyed this good old
General Store at the Mill must die
a death, a horrible by me.

"must die a death"
as opposed to dieng a towel?
instead put "must suffer a death" or ,"must die."

alright, well, there ya go.

This is a very bizzare script. I thought the dialogue was corny and the premise could've been better executed. But after the twist, I saw the script in somewhat of a new, more positive, light. It was funny and worked well in the context of the script.

It was a decent effort given the time constraints but I do feel it could've been better. I have a feeling I know who the writer is also.

This scripts is not good. Sorry.  
But i give ya props on the ending.

3/10

Didn't appear that there was much time put into the grammar and spelling..

This was random, not particularly entertaining, but it was quick.  I didn't really like it.  It added nothing new to the recent slew of these referential scripts, and the dialogue was both random and stiff.

Points for avoiding use of a Tanuki though.

ooooooooooooooook.  Thank you for putting my name in this.......  

Haha I'm glad to see that what you got out of my Mercenary script was a few cuss words and a dude that kills people randomly.  I love my job.  

I really hope this was joke.

Hmmm, I'm undecided on this one.

SPOILERS

Once I reached the end I started thinking the dialogue was deliberately corny as a kind of dig at videogame dialogue (shakes fist)

Without that twist ending I'd have been pretty disappointed but it's actually a decent concept. I think you could have developed it further with some more references to games

You need to brush up on your descriptions and dialogue though. The poem was awful (I'm guessing that was your intention)

On the whole, pretty random and very short. The ending made up for it to some extent.