59th and Main by Ken Kabatoff - Short - George needs a way to make his life more enjoyable. - rtf, format

Hi Ken, just finished reading this. Not sure about the ending, maybe there was something I missed.

SPOILERS

Liberty was Summer´s sister, friend, or what? Why did she leave with George so happily in front of Summer´s face?

Format was good but there are some minor details that could be improved:

-When introducing a character, give us an idea of his/her age.
-There´s no need to use CONT´D when breaking dialogue lines by action. As far as I know, it´s now considered old school so you can loose it for a faster read.
- "Summer walks into the kitchen, George quickly takes a seat on the couch.

INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT MOMENT"

Summer walks from one location (LIVING ROOM) to another (KITCHEN) and you don´t reflect this with your sluglines. If you want to show Summer entering the kitchen you should use a separate slug. You can also write that "she leaves the living room" without need to write another slug for a location where nothing interesting happens.

Also "THAT MOMENT" doesn´t ring right. Here´s my suggestion.

1) Summer walks into...

INT. KITCHEN
and opens the fridge.

INT. LIVING ROOM
George quickly takes a seat on the couch.

SUMMER (O.S.)
So where are we going exactly?

2)Summer leaves the living room, George quickly takes a seat on the couch.

SUMMER (O.S.)
So where are we going exactly?

-You can´t have dialogue in the same line that a parenthical. Maybe format got screwed while submiting the script... but just in case:

"GEORGE
(quickly)So where is this Marco's?"

This should be:
"GEORGE
(quickly)
So where is this Marco's?"

-Another "That Moment" slug you could loose:

"GEORGE
No reason. Can I talk to you outside for a sec.

George gets up and walks out the door, he waits for her.

EXT. SUMMER'S APARTMENT - THAT MOMENT"

Instead you could write:

GEORGE
No reason. Can I talk to you outside for a sec?

EXT. SUMMER'S APARTMENT - LATER"

And then comes their dialogue.

Well, sorry that my comments were more format than story oriented, but that´s all I´ve got to offer to improve your work. Hope it helps.

To me, it seems like you have the makings of a good script, but it seems very rushed. The dialogue was very plain to me. I was also very confused about Liberty. Is she Summer's daughter or sister? I got really confused about that. Also, the endnig is very weird. Nothing was resolved. Just keep working on it, and I'm sure it'll turn out great.

Alanah~

Hi, I just finished reading the script. I agree with the post above in that it sounds like it could be good, but it just seemed like you cranked it out too fast. Perhaps if you could change some of the dialogue and spice it up a bit, it could flow a little bit more. Maybe make the whole awkward breaking-up scenario a little comic. I dunno, just a suggestion. I got a sense of George’s nervousness with the whole awkward and broken up dialogue but then the end threw me off.

More importantly I would recommend to try and explain each character in more detail, including maybe age and just overall appearances. I honestly had no idea about who Liberty was. From the sound of things I thought maybe she was Summer’s daughter but than at the end when George went up to her room and woke her up to go to brunch, I got confused. So just try and paint a clearer picture of who these characters are and I think that will clear up some confusion.