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The Gold Fishes (currently 2550 views) |
Don |
Posted: February 17th, 2006, 6:16pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The Gold Fishes by Helio J. Cordeiro - Short - You could be in trouble if you don’t pay attention to a note of warning. 6 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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dogglebe |
Posted: February 17th, 2006, 10:48pm |
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An amusing little tale, Helio. Kind of like a comical Twilight Zone episode. I found it a little predictable, in part due to the name of the piece. Maybe if you expanded it, you can make the 'surprise' a little more subtle.
Phil |
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Reply: 1 - 27 |
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spencerforhire |
Posted: February 18th, 2006, 12:54pm |
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New Write NOW! Perfect LATER!
LocationSnohomish, WA Posts206 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Helio
I agree with Phil. It was predictable to a point. You could have really expanded this one. The lady could have wound up joining the man in the fish bowl as she hung the picture. And they could have become fish with only their faces on the gold fish bodies. Go wild.
Spencer |
| I got nothing. |
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Reply: 2 - 27 |
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Helio |
Posted: February 18th, 2006, 3:11pm |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Hey spencer and dogglebe! Yeah I was too shy on this one. |
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Reply: 3 - 27 |
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datha |
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 9:50pm |
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Posts38 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
i like your short stories, (unfortunately 'cause of luck of time i can't read a lot of full scripts) they are strange, differant from another scripts, i wander if you have something long 100-105 page. |
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Reply: 4 - 27 |
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Helio |
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 10:39pm |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Thanks datha. Keep reading my shorts scripts that in return I will read yours.
I have two feature scripts posted here in Drama session. Oporto's Bride (in English) and A Última Sessão (the last show) - in portuguese. |
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Reply: 5 - 27 |
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Helio |
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 10:41pm |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Hey guys! I'm rewriting this script and I'll have a great and nice surprise for ya! Just wait a little! |
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Reply: 6 - 27 |
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I_M |
Posted: February 20th, 2006, 11:33pm |
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LocationCalifornia Posts131 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I can't read this one because I think it is PDF file. Is there a way you can put the script into a microsoft word document or something like that? |
| Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon. |
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Reply: 7 - 27 |
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Helio |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 8:04am |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
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Reply: 8 - 27 |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 10:14am |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
Pretty neat script, it fellt like something from amazing stories(God I wisht hey would bring that show back). easy read, a few grammer mistakes, but all in all a fun read. keep up the good work! |
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Reply: 9 - 27 |
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Helio |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 10:18am |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Thanks drexel! I'm rewriting it and soon I'll post the new version of it. |
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Reply: 10 - 27 |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 10:48am |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
AWESOME! Can't wait to read it! |
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Reply: 11 - 27 |
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Jimbo |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 2:26pm |
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LocationWashington State Posts65 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Helio, you amaze me each time with the scripts you write, and I truly mean this in a good kind of amazement. They are all so odd, and yet I get what they mean. I have a review here for you.
From what I heard, English is not your first language, and yet you still are pretty much top notch on it. In fact, sometimes it is impossible to tell the difference. You have great puncture and grammar to go along with a nicely told story.
This script had me laughing out loud at some points, and this whole thing was actually playing out in my head as it went along. You have a great way of getting people caught in your net of a story because of how well it is written.
Can you explain to me how he got in the painting? It confuses me. Was this all in his imagination or in someone else's. I don't get it.
Helio, keep up the good work, because I love every single piece you have posted on this site so far. Good luck with future projects, and I'm looking forward to reading and reviewing more of your scripts.
-Jimbo |
| No longer around. |
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Reply: 12 - 27 |
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Helio |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 3:12pm |
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Old Timer Better to die with vodka than with tedium!
Posts1284 Posts Per Day 0.19 |
Hey Jimbo!
Man, with more good comments like yours will make me inflate! Not too much because I can to explode!
Thanks, thanks and thanks!
I'm preparing a new version of it more long than this one about 10 pages. |
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Reply: 13 - 27 |
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Jimbo |
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 3:18pm |
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LocationWashington State Posts65 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Sounds great. I know I will give it a read. |
| No longer around. |
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Reply: 14 - 27 |
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