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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Magic Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Magic Man  (currently 2206 views)
Don
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Magic Man by John Newman - Drama - Charlie Shaman, a dissolute Magician, ends his final show by selecting a dying woman from the audience and making her disappear. Less than an hour later Police discover Charlie and the woman’s body in his hotel suite. An open-and-shut case, except for the irrefutable evidence (and laws of physics) that make it impossible for the body to be in the room in which it was discovered.  The only possible explanation, although certainly not one which you would wish to present to a jury, is that Charlie is no illusionist: his magic is real. Charlie is arrested, and through his interrogation tells the story of his past: of his abandonment at age eight; of the Step-Grandfather who teaches him how to bend reality to his will; and of the one tragedy that is beyond anyone’s power to correct.  “The Magic Man” is the story of an outsider; it is a story about the inescapable trinity of pain, love, and sacrifice that define us as human beings.  124 pages - doc, format


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sfpunk
Posted: March 13th, 2006, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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hey man
are you around to receive feedback? if you are post back here and I'll get to it
it sounds quite interesting and it's probably formatted so I'll give it a read sometime soon
-Matt


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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newman
Posted: March 15th, 2006, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Matt,
I check the board fairly regularly and appreciate any and all feedback; hope you like it.
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sfpunk
Posted: March 15th, 2006, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey John,
I'm going to type up all feedback as I read as that's what I do with all my reviews. I'll point out everything that is either good or bad. If it's a potential plot hole that is corrected later you'll know as I'll write down everything I notice. I hope what I have to say is helpfull. Sorry if anything is nitpicking, generally your formatting looks very good but if I notice anything about that I'll point that out too.

pg 1 -- I'm not quite sure if you need this blank screen at the beginning. I tried that in the beginning of one of my scripts and alot of people told me it didn't make for an effective hook or a 'grabber' as you need and I eventually ended up changing it. Unless this is pivotal for a plot twist or something later on I'd suggest re-working your opening and not having all that dialogue over blackness.

pg 3 -- I don't think this is neccesary but I always thought that when you introduced characters it's best to put their age and pivotal characterisits in parenthesis. It makes your script more concise and easier for industry people to read. I don't think you're violating any rules the way you have it but the way I described is the way I've been it done most often.

-- Also some of the information you put down can't be filmed. For example 'a typical hotel room given to show people by las vegas casino's'. You could get rid of that and just describe it as a normal hotel room and if anything is different say what and not give vague details that don't translate onto screen.

-- One big thing: Capitalize all characters names the first time they appear. That's a must.

CHARLIE
I guess I’m not your typical magician, huh?

People say I make them…uncomfortable.

there shouldn't be that line of space there like that. It should be on the next line directly underneath.

--- The same thing again happens on page 11. If you are trying to indicate a pause do it with the ... or use (pause) on that line of white space. Don't just leave a gap like you have.

pg11-- The first story issue I have is coming up here.  Carol doesn't seem to be very amazed at him just appearing next to her. I would add in something like carol asking "how did you get up here?" and then Charlie saying "that doesn't matter right now, all that matters is if you'd like to be part of my act or not". Obviously you can write it better than that but the way you have it just doesn't seem to be that realistic. His magic is very out there and amazing so you need to show that the audiene are amazed by it but skeptical at the same time otherwise you will lose us as we'll dismiss your story as being cheesey or unrealistic.

pg 12 -- dialogue formatting error again, this will be the last time I mention it. You should be able to hunt them out and fix them yourself.

pg 16 -- I am guessing there is something more going on to your script than in the description and that the magic scenes are not all they seem as again Carol throws the stool too easily. Even after what I had witnessed I wouldn't toss a stool at the audience. But, I like your writing style so far and the flashbacks so I will keep on reading to find out the deal with this magic show.

pg 27-- again your desciption is vague and seems like it couldn't really be filmed. When you speak of the connection and Charlie descending through Maria's mind I'm not quite sure what you want shown. Maybe clear that up a little bit.

pg 34 -- dialogue can't  be split between pages like that. The CHARLIE is on one page and the dialogue starts on another. You need to bump the name down to the next page or do something to fix that.

pg 39 -- you have the woman speaking labelled as woman but you said MAE scrutinizes him. Is mae the woman or am I missing something. If mae is the woman then you have to have the dialogue listed as Mae or write that the woman scrutinizes him and leave the name out.

pg 46 -- I liked the cattle prod line... pretty funny

-- There are alot of places in your script with too much white space. There should only ever be a max of one line between things.

----------Okay, so overal since I'm about half way through this I'll comment on what I think so far. Generally, it's pretty good. Your characters seem well developed at the minute other than Tom who to me seems to have come out of nowhere. Mona seemed hostile towards Charlie at first prompting him to make the grandma's being nice comment but we don't know if Tom was nice to him or not. The very first time we really get a feel for Tom he's being nice and helping Charlie. I think you should have showed him before with Mona. I think it could help your story if you develop Tom a little better since he seems to be a main character. Secondly, I'm still iffy about the audience reaction during the magic scenes and it seems too out of place. It seems you want this story to be rooted in reality somewhat but with the way the audience perceives his magic doesn't seem right. You need to indicate more skepticism.

Okay, I am at work right now and this is as much as I can read for the time but I will finish it up tomorrow. Like I said it's pretty good so far but there are some things I'd fix if I were you.
More to come

-Matt










My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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newman
Posted: March 16th, 2006, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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All good points Matt; I plan on giving the formatting a real clean up very shortly. The black screen at the start is a way of tying together a lot of action and information very quickly: the audience knows right off the bat that a murder has taken place but nobody can figure out how. This allows me to use the opening scenes to set up character and context and, most importantly, allows me to not have to show some things (which as you were correct to point out) would be difficult and expensive to film.
I really appreciate your feedback, and will take a look at the areas you have pointed out.
Thanks,
John
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