Andromeda by Jason Young - Short, Period Drama - The Ethiopian princess, Andromeda, is given thirty days to live as punishment for her mother’s insult to the goddess, Thetis. 6 pages - doc, format

Hey Jason!

Look, man you have to admit that your story is very weak, without inspiration. Re-write it, make it an exciting reading, take out the  'we sees,' 'angle on, zoom ins' etc otherwise nobody will read your script. The story itself is nice but not this way you wrote it. Sorry!

Jason

I was intrigued enough to read your short. A couple of things come to mind.

1. The dialog you have is great. You did a really good job with that.
2. You know the "we see" thing is debatable. I hear others on this board say don't use it because it takes us out of the story. I don't know. I have read produced big box office hits that were written with plenty of "we see" in the descriptions. Take that for what its worth. It's your style.
3. Seems you took a literary work and attempted to turn it into a movie script. Remember the rules are different. I suggest  you go back into your script and rewrite from the beginning. Only describe action and describe it in as short as you can. Your description is laced with over done sentences. Probably because this was a story first.
4. The wide angle, pull back, etc. should only be used if this is a final production script. If you are writing for SPEC then only use identifiers that tell us where the scene takes place. IE, INT. HELL - MIDNIGHT.

You have a script with much potential. Go back and work it into a diamond.

Spencer

You do realize that the story you are trying to write has already been done with the movie "Clash of the Titans". I really think you have a great concept for a more developed story version of the love affair between the two main characters but you worded it almost word for word from the movie. You have to rethink your story and write it completely different from the originial movie. I would like to see where you could go with this if you just let your imagination run wild.

If I remember correctly, this dialogue is indeed almost a word-for-word ripoff of Clash of the Titans.