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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  All-Mart Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All-Mart by Robert Glenn Newcomer (bert) - Short, Horror - One boy's nightmare journey through everyone's favorite department store. 10 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  February 3rd, 2014, 3:10pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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!Contains Spoilers!

So let me get this straight...Night terrors, right? Hehe just kidding. Or is it day terrors? Well, whatever this kid has, even an active imagination, this script is messed up and I'm sure glad I'm not that kid.

I just never really understood the story though. What was wrong with the kid? Does he have an over-active imagination like I said? Is "All-Mart" taking over his mind? Or is it all simply just a dream?

You should have it to where when his mom is about to eat him and he wakes up from a nightmare and his mom walks in and she's like "Gerald, get dressed, we're going to Wal-Mart." or something. I don't know, but this was a good script. I liked it.

Sean
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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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WOW......cool script.  This felt like a really twisted episode of the twilight zone or amazing stories, I would love to see this made into a short film.  The part with the dolls all looking at gerald really creeped me out, reminded me of an episode of Seinfeld where George's fionce(or how ever you spell it), has a doll that looks exactly like his mother and it's always looking at him.

I liked the warthog lady and the part with the syringe, those were really effective, and the end, all I can say is great ending, I had a feeling something like that would happen, in fact I would have been dissapointed if it didn't.  anyways keep up the great writing.


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tomson
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Bert,
You creeped me out here and I'm sitting in the bright sunshine.
This one actually worked better for me than The Farm.
I really felt for the boy. Poor kid! Like a really bad nightmare.
You did good on the charachters inside ALL-Mart. The only ones missing would be the old "greeter" at the door and huge rear-ends in spandex.
Good job Bert!
Short and creepy.

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bert  -  April 1st, 2006, 8:12pm
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tomson
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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I had to think a little bit about the "social commentary".
This is all I could come up with,
Emperor has no clothes, only the boy sees the true evil of "All-Mart".
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bert
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys.  Glad this one seems to be working.

(SPOILERS)

TDW2N, it's supposed to be like a nightmare -- although there is a coherent story there, it's a bit jumbled -- and what is really going on is up to you.

So which do you find most frightening --

-- the idea that these things are real, but seen only by Gerald -- or the thought of some poor, psychotic kid who lives his life as one horrific episode after the other?

And thanks Drex and Tomson, too.  The clerk was supposed to be a "greeter" type -- he's 70+ with a pocketfull of stickers -- but maybe I should do something to make that more clear.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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tomson
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS:



You are right about the Clerk, he is the greeter. Stickers and all.
Scary part? Sense of claustrophobia and panic when everywhere you turn
nothing is as it should, feeling of evil closing in.
I'm telling you, you did a good job here
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert

So which do you find most frightening --

-- the idea that these things are real, but seen only by Gerald -- or the thought of some poor, psychotic kid who lives his life as one horrific episode after the other?


Both. That kid seriously needs some treatment. Is there a doctor in the house? Or better yet, a psychiatrist?

Sean
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rymatt
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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It is something intresting, it was like the Twilight Zone as others have mentioned. It was good.
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Turtle
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This was really fun/twisted/freaky but most of all it was a PAGE turner.It was wonderfully written and kept me wondering. A nice trip into a little kid's psyche.

I thought the descriptions were great, especially the " the place seems to have it's own horizon" part. Next time I visit the local wal-mart i have no doubt this little story will run rampant through my own messed up head.

This seemed to be a dream, that would fit nicely into a larger story, do you have any ideas of fleshing it out? It was like an opening that would definately draw me in!

I agree with Tomson

It creeped me out and I felt for the boy.Great job and thanks for jump starting my brain today!

---kotton


This account is no longer used. I am still on the boards as screamer.
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Antemasque
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know if this was meant but i laughed at a few scenes. I'm sure some of them were meant though. You have the horror with some comedy and that makes a perfect movie. (After seeing Slither last night it's hard to find something better then it) But this was good. I'll tell ya one thing... i'll never look at a Spiderman doll the same way again. Good work.

9/10
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Abe from LA
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Bert,

EEERIE.  Definitely a Twilight Zone story.   Again, another great anthology piece.  I like the idea that the story could go either way...  the kid's either a paranoid-schizo or that he is really seeing beneath a thin "feel good" veneer.

The story has elements of "Living Doll" or Talking Tina, as I prefer to call it.  And "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" with William Shatner.

Some SPOILERS.

Random thoughts.  I never got the impression there were a lot of people in the store. No biggie here, just an observation.   You know how big I am on foreshadowing.  So I'm thinking that on Page 1, there is an opportunity to add a hint of things to come.   Maybe when the Spiderman Doll first talks, maybe he says something CRYPTIC.  Or maybe to hint at the kid's mental state, Gerald says something like, "Are you the real Spiderman?"

Another possibility is Mom saying something to Gerald early on that might suggest SHE is the reason for his instability.  Maybe something like "Now you've got a real playmate."

I like all the old baggers in the store.  Kinda familiar, kinda creepy.  I think to a little kid, old people can be nightmarish.

On Page 9, there is the scene where the old geezer asks if Gerald wants to buy the Spriderman. At first I thought it might be better for Gerald not to look at mom, but to recoil. That we see his fear.   Now I'm thinking it's OK as is, because we see that Mom is his security.  As long as she's there, he's safe.  EXCELLENT. Really sets up the final scene.

Before the final car scene, what if the old Greeter geezer is rearranging the clothes rack and finds something on the floor, inside the racks.  Something that could have belonged to mom.  But not obvious.

Then segueway into the kill scene.

Final scene. What if Spiderman says "I'm Spiderman. I'm gonna kill you."
Gerald screams for mom.  Before turning to reveal her monstrous face, she answers SPIDERMAN and not Gerald.

Then she turns to reveal her monstrous face and says that SHE is Gerald's mom and she is gonna kill him. Lunge.

That final scene kind of reminds me of the opening of Twilight Zone the movie. Remember when Akroyd says, you wanna see something scary.  And turns a calm, quiet moment into a chiller.

Really neat story here, Bert.  As in Salvage, you do an impeccable job with atmosphere and characters.  Some kid is gonna watch this film some day and never look at his grandparents the same way.

And those kids might not look at mom in the same light, either.  Touche.
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spencerforhire
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Bert

Great story. I was peeing my pants as I read. Had to look under my desk to see if Spiderman was there.

The title was great and the key point that made me click to read. If I were to give any suggestions I would say putting a five year old in a car seat is a bit over the top. I would make the kid a few years older, like maybe eight.

I loved the sticker guy. Great twist and change in meaning.

Certainly this is a good short and could be a great feature. Think about it. Your writing is fabulous.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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James McClung
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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Another great horror short, Bert. I honestly wasn't sure if it was going to work. I mean, horror... in a shopping mall? But I think you pulled it off. I felt a real Stephen King vibe throughout the whole thing but you managed to make it your own. The heighlight for me was the "sticker." Few problems here. The only thing is that I didn't see the social commentary in this. Maybe it just wasn't as in-your-face as in some films nowadays. Nice job with this one.


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bert
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Wow -- thanks rymatt and Kotton and Spencer -- and for your votes of confidence as to a feature -- I'm just not sure it's there, you know?  One of the things I was doing with this one was a low-budget horror short, which is something I was lacking.  If you bump this up to a feature, right away you lose the option of doing it on the cheap.


Quoted from Abe from LA
...we see that Mom is his security.  As long as she's there, he's safe...


Abe -- this is exactly what the reader is supposed to take away.  At least, in part.  Thanks alot for that.  You can't always trust your mother, huh?  As for Spiderman himself, I like keeping him mundane -- my kid actually has this doll -- it exists -- and these are the things it says.  And, yeah -- it's kind of creepy.

You've got some good ideas though, Abe -- and I can feel your thoughts struggling to bubble to the surface.  You gotta' let 'em out, man.  Time to start writing haha.

Andrew:  There are a few parts that could be played out as comic if the director wanted to take it in that direction.  Given your mind's eye, I am not surprised you visualized them in this way -- you are the first to comment on that.

James:  That "vibe" isn't by accident.  I grew up on that stuff, and I'll never deny his influence.  I like it when people see it.  And commentary is a subjective thing, of course.  There's a little bit on mothers, and a bit more on the big-box department stores.  And I actually like what Tomson came away with.

Anyways, thanks again, all.  I wasn't sure how this one would go over.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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