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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Devil's Ride Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Devil's Ride  (currently 2149 views)
Don
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Devil's Ride, The by Lonzo Lucas II - Horror - Elston Jenkins gets the gift of a lifetime, a motorcycle with a curse, only his childhood friend can save him, or can he? 93 pages - rtf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 24th, 2009, 5:57pm
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grademan
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey. I read your script and have the following observations.

1.     Use PDF format for review copies on this and other sites if possible. It locks page breaks and other formatting where you want them to be.

2.     First page errors: Identifying your ACTS is not necessary. Identifying your title again is not necessary. Putting a quotation mark at the end of every dialogue line is not necessary. Looks like you missed these during clean-up. In the opening paragraph of action we are introduced the character’s thoughts about “how blessed he is” which is something that cannot be filmed and therefore irrelevant.

3.     Naming conventions: Capitalize the characters name when you introduce - the names do not need to be in all caps after that except for the character name above their dialogue. It is very confusing for an actor to read her parts when the character’s name is capitalized everywhere you see it.  

4.     Be careful to indent your character’s name and dialogue so it is separate from the action and slug lines. Use INT. and EXT. to consistently identify locations in your slugs.

5     “Sike!” is spelled “Psych!”

These format errors make it difficult for me to read your script.

The story idea of a “Christine” on two wheels combined with “Ghost Rider” was interesting but not compelling.  I’m not sure how to exactly help you with that but here are a few ideas.

1.     Get to the fact that Elston and Cranston are childhood friends earlier. They should spend some time together as friends. Or at least with more of a back story.

2.     The ghost kid was annoying with his many appearances.

3.     The dialogue was trite and overused at times, capice?

4.     The sliver of chromium being a demonic key to our world is questionable
since chromium is a modern day metal. The climactic battle between the two warriors could have been foreshadowed.

5.     The ending was somewhat predictable. He was already a con and couldn’t expect a good ending for this.

MODIFIED after I read the entire script. Not much better to add unfortunately.

Gary

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grademan  -  April 24th, 2009, 12:21pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2009, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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No slugs until page 5!  I guess you've got 1 on page 1, but it's included in the prose.  You missed a whole bunch in the next 5 pages.

Look at your opening paragraph.  You've got a "sentence" in there that's like 4 lines long and is actually like a triple run on.  At first I thought you hadn't used any punctuation at all, but then I realized it's just a really badly written sentence.

Sorry, but that's as far as I'm going to be able to go.  Read some scripts in here and posts reviews...that way, you may be able to get someone to give you a complete read and critique, which you need very badly.

Best of luck.
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