Tingles and Everything by Corinne Camden - Short - At a wedding reception, a man and a woman debate on wether love really exists. 10 pages - fdr, format

Hi Corinne

I really enjoyed reading Tingles and Everything, it's a good little story and I like the characters..

I like the fact that you have woven a sense that a character is wounded, has a broken heart but love can heal and there is a life after a previous lost love.. This script has all the hallmarks of forgiveness, redemption and destinty and your characters dialogue is well written, feels right and provides conflict but at the same time drives the story forward.

Like I said, this is a good story and I like it very much. One of the things I admire about writing is when a writer captures the human spirit, reflects aspects of ourselves which is the good parts, which shows how we humans can show love, desire and yes, even tingles and everything..

Well done, I reckon you have a great little script here with lots of potential.

There are a few things in your script which need working on, mainly formatting issues but these are easily resolved..

After reading your script I discovered your second scene lasted for 5.75 pages and I would argue not to write scenes more than three pages in a screenplay so you need to work on a solution for this problem..

The length of all the other scenes, even the flashbacks are fine, just the above criticism with the long scene which you need to work on, make scene two shorter or find an alternative to split the scene in two somehow..

Here I'll mention some of the formatting problems I spotted.. Don't worry, these can be easily corrected..

PAGE 1

FADE IN:

Goes exactly where I've placed it on this page, tucked in to the left and finished with a colon.

Your first scene

Separate the place and time of day with a hyphen like so: and don't use a period after DAY or NIGHT

INT. WEDDING CEREMONY - DAY

Next, the action descriptions in this scene are bunched up together and could be separated into separate shots. This not only gives you more space on the page but also helps a director to see the shots as separate shots. Bunching text in large paragraph chunks tends to look busy and confusing. Separate the lines of description and it will look and read much better.. Here is an example:

MONTAGE  MARIE AND DAVID GETTING MARRIED:

Cheyenne coming down the aisle followed by Marie and her father.

David smiling with James by his side.

Marie giving her flowers to Cheyenne.

The priest starting the ceremony.

James smiling has he looks at his best friend.

Marie's mother crying.

Cheyenne rolling her eyes but trying to keep a fake smile.

David putting the ring on Marie's finger.

Marie putting the ring on David's finger.

The both of them kissing.

The above translate as separate shots

You need to do the same for your other scenes, break them up into smaller chunks so they resemble separate shots.

I wouldn’t use parenthetical descriptions if you can avoid it, just have your character’s dialogue speak for itself..

On a few occasions your parentheticals have got mixed-up with your dialogue,. In Final Draft there is a pull-down menu which formats this element of text which in your screenplay and this places the parenthetical description just under the name of the character and in open and closed single brackets. Like so:

CHEYENNE
(Uninterested)
It's a free country.

The above is on Page 1 and this is correct but on some occasions these have got mixed up on consecutive pages and these require you to sort these out and correct them.

You also don’t need to use the (CONT’D) option used on a CHARACTER’S name when he or she re-appears in the screenplay. This convention isn’t used anymore so you can switch this to the ‘off’ position in Final Draft..

In between character dialogue, your descriptions of what your characters are doing or reacting are not photographable and need to be. For example, on page 2

JAMES
(uncomfortable)
You know...'Click Click'.

Cheyenne doesn't get it.

JAMES (CONT'D)
Forget it.

You need to find an alternative to “Cheyenne doesn’t get it” because as an audience how do we know she doesn’t get it unless she says this? You cannot photograph this. Know what I mean?

As an example, you may try writing a reaction for this element within your scene like so:

JAMES
You know...'Click Click'.

Cheyenne has a confused look on her face.

JAMES
Forget it.

Above the parentheticals have gone and Cheyenne’s confusion can be photographed because of her facial gesture.

You need to go through your screenplay and do the same for all the other moments when your characters act and react to moments of conflict. If your characters think, have memories or ponder then all these moments cannot be photographed. You need to find actual alternatives of how your characters behave which communicates the same thing so this behavior can be photographed and this is then communicated to your watching audience.. The more you do this the better you get at it..

PAGE 4

James fakes playing the violin.

I know what you mean when you write the above but I would suggest you could writer this so we know exactly what you mean and again, this is another example of how to write a characters action so it translates to camera. Here is an example like so:

Jake mimes playing a sentimental violin for Cheyenne’s benefit.

The Above is a better description, it gives the image perfectly for both the actor and the cinema photographer and that the emotion in the action is directed to the character Cheyenne. If you think like this when you write then you’ll be concise but to the point and poetic at the same time..

When you use FLASHBACK then when the FLASHBACK finishes then write on a separate line like this for example:

END FLASHBACK

Or

FLASHBACK ENDS

Don’t use BACK TO THE PRESENT as this is incorrect.

Obviously this signifies the end of the flashback sequence and the examples I’ve given you are the correct format convention to use in a screenplay..

Lastly, don’t forget to split your paragraphs of action in your scenes as this makes it much easier for your reader to see those separate sentences as shots..

One last final thought, you uploaded a Final Draft format file and this is fine for me as I have Final Draft although I use Movie Magic Screenwriter myself. I would print your screenplay as an Adobe PDF file together with the title page within your screenplay as most SimplyScripts members have Adobe Acrobat installed and can read this file format. Not everybody on SimplyScripts has Final Draft.. Just a thought and you’ll get more reads when your script is in PDF format..

If you’d like help and or advice on your screenplay then you can email me anytime. My email details are in my avatar and I’ll help you take this to another draft if you’d like some help, I can also help you sort out your formatting issues which would aid you in your future script writing activities.. Email me anytime..

Great title and great little story, and I love the fact you have tied in a loose end into a new blossoming relationship, just like nature itself. Beautiful..

Well done.. I love this story and the characters.. I’ve fell in love with Cheyenne..

Kevan

This is the second script I read from you, and I must admit I really like the way you write. At last, it's not a pointless horror story or a video game remake. I won't judge the form of your script (everyone's got to learn in time) but I would point on the dialog. It was, for me, as I was watching a tennis match. It was refreshing and nice. Comedy is really your thing. I posted myself two romantic comedies and I'm real jealous of the way you do your characters talking. maybe Romantic comedy is a woman's thing? Let me know...

Michel